Metamour seriously violated my trust - what now?

VidereNos

New member
Let me start by giving a bit of context:

I’ve been actively polyamorous for nearly 8 years. I have a healthy and thriving kitchen table style polycule. The majority of my metamours are and have always been close friends of mine, if not relationships in their own right.

I have been with my nesting partner for nearly 3 years, but we were friends for years before that. When we first met, he was recovering from a very nasty breakup with his high school sweetheart and considered himself to be monogamous. Except - he was still sleeping with that high school sweetheart when he and I started dating, and wanted her to be his partner, too.

Now, I’ve always had some reservations about this woman - we’ll call her A. Nesting Partner’s breakup with her was extremely nasty, and he had described his past relationship with her as emotionally abusive. None of our friends who knew them when they were dating speak well of A. I’ve been concerned that A will fall into old habits and hurt my nesting partner. However, his relationship with her is his choice, so I’ve done my best to support him and judge her as she is now, on her current merits.

So. Cut to now. She’s decided to embrace polyamory, and has done extensive work on improving herself and being a better person. We’ve met and hung out several times, and were it not for Covid, she’d probably be a fixture in our house. I’d developed a tentative trust for her and was starting to like her.

Something important to know: I am chronically ill and disabled. I am considered both high risk and immunocompromised. I take extensive precautions to avoid exposure to Covid, and my partners take similar precautions.

Yesterday morning, my nesting partner told me he was bringing over A. We’d just gone through a post-holiday quarantine period, and hadn’t seen A since early November. I was excited to see her, and was looking forward to it, as I was just in the process of stitching her Christmas gift.


She arrives, we’re pleased to see each other. A is cuddling with my nesting partner on the couch until he goes for his run. We’re hanging out, listening to an audio drama, when A receives a vídeo call from her sister. The first thing A’s sister asks is “How are you feeling? Is the fever gone?”

“Yeah!” A says. “I’m feeling much better now!” Then she sidebars to me: “I had a fever last night.”

So, to be clear, she had a fever, in the middle of a pandemic, and then the next day, came to spend a few days in the home of someone who is both immunocompromised and high risk for Covid. And didn’t tell my nesting partner or I beforehand.

I did not yell or even raise my voice, but after she had gotten off the phone and my nesting partner had returned, I explained that I was upset, because while not everything is covid, A had no way of knowing.

My nesting partner took her to get tested this morning, and the results were very fortunately negative. He then wisely took her home.

Still, I am quite angry that she put us at risk like that. More, I’m angry because she didn’t give us the relevant information necessary for us to decide what risks or precautions we are or aren’t willing to take, with life and death stakes. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust her after this, and I know my nesting partner’s feelings are also complicated by this now.

I will talk to my nesting partner about this in more detail, but I’m not sure how it’s best for me to proceed. If he wants to keep seeing her, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to move past this incident to be friendly towards her. I’ve never been in a situation like this before, and I’m not sure what boundaries are best to draw going forward. Does anyone have any advice?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry this happened.

I'm glad it was negative. At the same time?

“Yeah!” A says. “I’m feeling much better now!” Then she sidebars to me: “I had a fever last night.”

So, to be clear, she had a fever, in the middle of a pandemic, and then the next day, came to spend a few days in the home of someone who is both immunocompromised and high risk for Covid. And didn’t tell my nesting partner or I beforehand.

When I read that I wondered... since this matters highly to you...

Did YOU ask her before she came over?

I think it's like sex hygiene.

If I go "Has there been anyone else since the last time we shared sex?"

And DH goes "Listen, before we share sex again, I need to tell you that there was..."

That way BOTH people are looking out for it. Rather than 1 person or zero people. And even if he forgets? I am asking because this is MY body and I'm responsible for it.

In this event?

Your nesting partner could have said "Hey, I want to invite you. But before your come over to the nest... has there been any recent illness things?" since he lives in this nest and he was the one inviting her.

A. could have said "Hey, thanks for inviting me. Before I come over to the nest... I need you to know that I had a fever."

And you could have said to both nesting partner and A. "Hey, glad nesting partner invited you/You invited her. Looking forward to seeing you/her and exchanging presents. But before you/she can come over... has there been any recent illness things I need to know about?"

Then it is 3 people looking out for it rather than zero.

I get you are upset, but you have to be the one to watch out for your chronic health stuff.

I am a chronic patient and I know that while my family members who live here will try to help and remember? Ultimately, the buck stops here with ME because I'm the one living in this body.

Galagirl
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I too do kitchen table style poly, so I understand that you feel betrayed. However, I agree with GalaGirl - it’s up to you to keep you safe. If your partner or metamour isn’t telling you as soon as they walk in the door anything about recent contacts and illnesses, then that needs to be the first question out of your mouth when you see them.

I’m sorry this happened.

If she had a negative test this morning but a fever yesterday - she needs to retest. It can take several days to get a positive after the first symptoms show up.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello VidereNos,

I don't think A meant to intentionally put you at risk; she was just very, very inconsiderate. I would consider her unsafe to be around for the time being, and would not welcome her into my home at least until the Covid crisis has gone away. If your nesting partner wants to keep seeing her, he can do so at her home. That seems more than reasonable to me.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

icesong

Moderator
I don't think A meant to intentionally put you at risk; she was just very, very inconsiderate. I would consider her unsafe to be around for the time being, and would not welcome her into my home at least until the Covid crisis has gone away. If your nesting partner wants to keep seeing her, he can do so at her home. That seems more than reasonable to me.

That... doesn't help at all? Not if the nesting partner is coming back home anyway, not if you don't trust someone COVID wise...
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
If your nesting partner wants to keep seeing her, he can do so at her home. That seems more than reasonable to me.

This wouldn’t keep anyone from spreading Covid!
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
I'm curious if your partner checked in about potential symptoms or exposures, too. We also to kitchen table style poly, and we have a standing agreement - if anyone feels sickly or has a potential exposure, we let everyone involved know and discuss comfort levels in that situation. Do you have that standing agreement (that has actually been discussed, not assumed)? If not, it's time to.

A may legitimately not realise what she did. To her, a fever might just be a fever while to you it's a potential death sentence. Communicate your concerns to your partner (or, preferably to A if you're comfortable so no miscommunication happens) to ensure your home is safe.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
This has nothing to do with polyamory, this is a pandemic safety discussion. The fact that you are romantic with your roommate, or that your roommate is romantic with someone else, has nothing to do with anything in my opinion.

Every person who lives in the same place needs to agree on, and enforce with zero tolerance, the plan. If this isn't the case, and it sounds like it isn't, the person with the most strict exposure tolerance needs to figure out how to either change their environment or their tolerance. It doesn't sound like you are interested in changing your tolerance, so your roommate needs to pull their head out of their ass or you need to figure out a way to protect yourself from them.

Since I'm guessing you don't want to change your living environment, I hope that your roommate understands what their part was in this, and intend to never do that again.

I realize that you were framing this as a polyamory question because you have a predisposition to not trust your metamour. Be honest with yourself that you just don't like this person and you don't want them around. I would recommend against getting your health concerns and your relationship bias mixed up, because your decision making will be muddled if you don't.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Be normal and pls never say kitchen table style polycule. there that'll fix ur problems

What does "be normal" mean?
Can you clarify what your concern is with the term they used?
 

icesong

Moderator
This has nothing to do with polyamory, this is a pandemic safety discussion. The fact that you are romantic with your roommate, or that your roommate is romantic with someone else, has nothing to do with anything in my opinion.
Not *entirely* true. Even for something as highly transmissible and airborne as this, it's not 100% even for people that live together. Or even for romantic partners, but the (presumably in many cases) closer physical contact between romantically involved people than roommates make the percentages higher. At least I tend to assume my risks are "if my partner or my kid gets it, I'm 95% likely to, if my meta gets it, I have a bit more of a chance not to if I isolate from partner for a bit." But I'm a pretty physically affectionate person with partners and kid, and not with others.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
I can't understand how anyone would go anywhere, to visit anyone, if they had a fever the night before! I can't imagine NOT telling a partner & his household that you had a fever. That is very bizarre and clueless behavior for January 2021.

It sounds like she had the rapid test? Unfortunately it has a high false negative rate--she should get a better test done.

OP, I can understand the polyamory angle. It wouldn't matter so much if you no longer trust your platonic roommate's girlfriend--you could make plans to move out or whatever. I can see why you're upset.

I don't necessarily think this means your metamour is completely untrustworthy about anything--it just means she is incredibly clueless and stupid about pandemic stuff. I would avoid extrapolating anything about her general character or connecting it to your previous opinion of her before she became a healthier poly person.

But, okay, given that she doesn't understand basic pandemic safety or how that impacts a high-risk person--you can decide how you want to proceed. Are you uncomfortable with her visiting again during the pandemic? Is it worth discussing COVID safety with her in more detail?

I don't think the burden was on you to ask, unprompted, if she had COVID symptoms before she came over! You're not a workplace or a doctor's office where you have to give everyone a questionnaire before they come in the door.

But, there should have been discussions about COVID safety beforehand. I wonder if your partner's communication with her about COVID safety wasn't clear? Had she been quarantining before coming to visit? What was the pre-arranged plan for COVID safety for her visit?
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Even for something as highly transmissible and airborne as this, it's not 100% even for people that live together.

Granted; people who live together and are making out and cuddling are closer and presumably more likely (by at least some percentage) to transmit an airborne virus than people who live with each other and don't cuddle and make out, but they are still in the same home, and pass each other in the hall, have casual conversations with each other in the kitchen, and have ample opportunity to breath in each others spittle. That wasn't really the thrust of the point, but I can't argue with your probably correct technicality.

The point I was attempting to make is that this is a health issue with the person they live with, not with some other person your roommate is bringing around. I don't have a deal with all of the people my partner knows when it comes to not bringing a potential death sentence into my home, I have that deal with my partner. If they bring a walking virus machine into my apartment, the important part isn't whether or not there was some breakup in their past, but the fact that they brought a walking virus machine into my apartment.

I was suggesting not conflating the issues, because they are both important and shouldn't be confused with one another.
 
I don`t want to disagree with the warnings of caution during a pandemic, however I find a few comments quite harsh.

If A (the metamour) hasn`t been able to see her partner since November, she might have just not thought too much about potential risks outside of the "finally-again-A-NestingPartner-time" - which is careless, but untimately more a sign of how she does/works poly.
The offhand way she went about it to me sound like a sort of "blissfull ignorance" - she just didn`t consider OPs condition in her actions. I believe how "normal" behaviour like that is in a polycule strongly depends on your way of doing/ structuring the relations.
Personally, I`d say that she is not necessarily responsible to keep her meta safe, that responsibility falls upon the hinge (NestingPartner) and OP herself. Maybe NestingPartner didn`t communicate as clearly as they thought that this was a life-or-death sort of issue?
Another point is, that the time A got with NestingPartner was also with OP - was that communicated clearly by NestingPartner?
A might have thought she´d be alone with NestingPartner for most of the time and therefore just not considered her interactions with OP that much.
Also, maybe A though she would not be able to see NestingPartner for antother two weeks if she was a potential risk and needed to quarantine Therefore A might have subconsciously surpressed thinking about her health, so maybe finding ways in which A and NestingPartner are allowed to interact during "wonkey situations" (like window visits or walks with masks on and handholding with gloves) could mitigate that fear and allow her to be more open?

I agree with the general sentiment that a gentle but serious talk is warranted, but I`d say that the person to talk to might be NestingPartner. Trusting a meta to keep one safe is not a requirement in my book, trusting your hinge-partner is and it is their responsibility to mediate if their behaviour is endangering to either of their partners.
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Let me start by giving a bit of context:

I’ve been actively polyamorous for nearly 8 years. I have a healthy and thriving kitchen table style polycule. The majority of my metamours are and have always been close friends of mine, if not relationships in their own right.

I have been with my nesting partner for nearly 3 years, but we were friends for years before that. When we first met, he was recovering from a very nasty breakup with his high school sweetheart and considered himself to be monogamous. Except - he was still sleeping with that high school sweetheart when he and I started dating, and wanted her to be his partner, too.

Now, I’ve always had some reservations about this woman - we’ll call her A. Nesting Partner’s breakup with her was extremely nasty, and he had described his past relationship with her as emotionally abusive. None of our friends who knew them when they were dating speak well of A. I’ve been concerned that A will fall into old habits and hurt my nesting partner. However, his relationship with her is his choice, so I’ve done my best to support him and judge her as she is now, on her current merits.

So. Cut to now. She’s decided to embrace polyamory, and has done extensive work on improving herself and being a better person. We’ve met and hung out several times, and were it not for Covid, she’d probably be a fixture in our house. I’d developed a tentative trust for her and was starting to like her.

Something important to know: I am chronically ill and disabled. I am considered both high risk and immunocompromised. I take extensive precautions to avoid exposure to Covid, and my partners take similar precautions.

Yesterday morning, my nesting partner told me he was bringing over A. We’d just gone through a post-holiday quarantine period, and hadn’t seen A since early November. I was excited to see her, and was looking forward to it, as I was just in the process of stitching her Christmas gift.


She arrives, we’re pleased to see each other. A is cuddling with my nesting partner on the couch until he goes for his run. We’re hanging out, listening to an audio drama, when A receives a vídeo call from her sister. The first thing A’s sister asks is “How are you feeling? Is the fever gone?”

“Yeah!” A says. “I’m feeling much better now!” Then she sidebars to me: “I had a fever last night.”

So, to be clear, she had a fever, in the middle of a pandemic, and then the next day, came to spend a few days in the home of someone who is both immunocompromised and high risk for Covid. And didn’t tell my nesting partner or I beforehand.

I did not yell or even raise my voice, but after she had gotten off the phone and my nesting partner had returned, I explained that I was upset, because while not everything is covid, A had no way of knowing.

My nesting partner took her to get tested this morning, and the results were very fortunately negative. He then wisely took her home.

Still, I am quite angry that she put us at risk like that. More, I’m angry because she didn’t give us the relevant information necessary for us to decide what risks or precautions we are or aren’t willing to take, with life and death stakes. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust her after this, and I know my nesting partner’s feelings are also complicated by this now.

I will talk to my nesting partner about this in more detail, but I’m not sure how it’s best for me to proceed. If he wants to keep seeing her, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to move past this incident to be friendly towards her. I’ve never been in a situation like this before, and I’m not sure what boundaries are best to draw going forward. Does anyone have any advice?

What I find most interesting about this post is that we are (sort of) being directed to view this as a covid issue. However, we were given a whole backstory of the person's alleged misdeeds, despite a claim that you only wish to judge them on "now".

It makes me question if we are supposed to react differently if you had a better perception of this person.

I think not, right?

Because it's just about the covid.

High school sweetheart vs current nesting partner is a difficult polycule to have. Complicated. That monkey on some people's back which keeps hinting that really, HSS should be NP and the primary relationship.

I'm not saying that's right but the backstory makes me think that this isn't really about the covid.
 
Top