VidereNos
New member
Let me start by giving a bit of context:
I’ve been actively polyamorous for nearly 8 years. I have a healthy and thriving kitchen table style polycule. The majority of my metamours are and have always been close friends of mine, if not relationships in their own right.
I have been with my nesting partner for nearly 3 years, but we were friends for years before that. When we first met, he was recovering from a very nasty breakup with his high school sweetheart and considered himself to be monogamous. Except - he was still sleeping with that high school sweetheart when he and I started dating, and wanted her to be his partner, too.
Now, I’ve always had some reservations about this woman - we’ll call her A. Nesting Partner’s breakup with her was extremely nasty, and he had described his past relationship with her as emotionally abusive. None of our friends who knew them when they were dating speak well of A. I’ve been concerned that A will fall into old habits and hurt my nesting partner. However, his relationship with her is his choice, so I’ve done my best to support him and judge her as she is now, on her current merits.
So. Cut to now. She’s decided to embrace polyamory, and has done extensive work on improving herself and being a better person. We’ve met and hung out several times, and were it not for Covid, she’d probably be a fixture in our house. I’d developed a tentative trust for her and was starting to like her.
Something important to know: I am chronically ill and disabled. I am considered both high risk and immunocompromised. I take extensive precautions to avoid exposure to Covid, and my partners take similar precautions.
Yesterday morning, my nesting partner told me he was bringing over A. We’d just gone through a post-holiday quarantine period, and hadn’t seen A since early November. I was excited to see her, and was looking forward to it, as I was just in the process of stitching her Christmas gift.
She arrives, we’re pleased to see each other. A is cuddling with my nesting partner on the couch until he goes for his run. We’re hanging out, listening to an audio drama, when A receives a vídeo call from her sister. The first thing A’s sister asks is “How are you feeling? Is the fever gone?”
“Yeah!” A says. “I’m feeling much better now!” Then she sidebars to me: “I had a fever last night.”
So, to be clear, she had a fever, in the middle of a pandemic, and then the next day, came to spend a few days in the home of someone who is both immunocompromised and high risk for Covid. And didn’t tell my nesting partner or I beforehand.
I did not yell or even raise my voice, but after she had gotten off the phone and my nesting partner had returned, I explained that I was upset, because while not everything is covid, A had no way of knowing.
My nesting partner took her to get tested this morning, and the results were very fortunately negative. He then wisely took her home.
Still, I am quite angry that she put us at risk like that. More, I’m angry because she didn’t give us the relevant information necessary for us to decide what risks or precautions we are or aren’t willing to take, with life and death stakes. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust her after this, and I know my nesting partner’s feelings are also complicated by this now.
I will talk to my nesting partner about this in more detail, but I’m not sure how it’s best for me to proceed. If he wants to keep seeing her, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to move past this incident to be friendly towards her. I’ve never been in a situation like this before, and I’m not sure what boundaries are best to draw going forward. Does anyone have any advice?
I’ve been actively polyamorous for nearly 8 years. I have a healthy and thriving kitchen table style polycule. The majority of my metamours are and have always been close friends of mine, if not relationships in their own right.
I have been with my nesting partner for nearly 3 years, but we were friends for years before that. When we first met, he was recovering from a very nasty breakup with his high school sweetheart and considered himself to be monogamous. Except - he was still sleeping with that high school sweetheart when he and I started dating, and wanted her to be his partner, too.
Now, I’ve always had some reservations about this woman - we’ll call her A. Nesting Partner’s breakup with her was extremely nasty, and he had described his past relationship with her as emotionally abusive. None of our friends who knew them when they were dating speak well of A. I’ve been concerned that A will fall into old habits and hurt my nesting partner. However, his relationship with her is his choice, so I’ve done my best to support him and judge her as she is now, on her current merits.
So. Cut to now. She’s decided to embrace polyamory, and has done extensive work on improving herself and being a better person. We’ve met and hung out several times, and were it not for Covid, she’d probably be a fixture in our house. I’d developed a tentative trust for her and was starting to like her.
Something important to know: I am chronically ill and disabled. I am considered both high risk and immunocompromised. I take extensive precautions to avoid exposure to Covid, and my partners take similar precautions.
Yesterday morning, my nesting partner told me he was bringing over A. We’d just gone through a post-holiday quarantine period, and hadn’t seen A since early November. I was excited to see her, and was looking forward to it, as I was just in the process of stitching her Christmas gift.
She arrives, we’re pleased to see each other. A is cuddling with my nesting partner on the couch until he goes for his run. We’re hanging out, listening to an audio drama, when A receives a vídeo call from her sister. The first thing A’s sister asks is “How are you feeling? Is the fever gone?”
“Yeah!” A says. “I’m feeling much better now!” Then she sidebars to me: “I had a fever last night.”
So, to be clear, she had a fever, in the middle of a pandemic, and then the next day, came to spend a few days in the home of someone who is both immunocompromised and high risk for Covid. And didn’t tell my nesting partner or I beforehand.
I did not yell or even raise my voice, but after she had gotten off the phone and my nesting partner had returned, I explained that I was upset, because while not everything is covid, A had no way of knowing.
My nesting partner took her to get tested this morning, and the results were very fortunately negative. He then wisely took her home.
Still, I am quite angry that she put us at risk like that. More, I’m angry because she didn’t give us the relevant information necessary for us to decide what risks or precautions we are or aren’t willing to take, with life and death stakes. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust her after this, and I know my nesting partner’s feelings are also complicated by this now.
I will talk to my nesting partner about this in more detail, but I’m not sure how it’s best for me to proceed. If he wants to keep seeing her, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to move past this incident to be friendly towards her. I’ve never been in a situation like this before, and I’m not sure what boundaries are best to draw going forward. Does anyone have any advice?