Welcome to the boards.
The "hoops" your experiencing are possibly less about the places you've been posting, and more what you are trying to engage in. You should definitely read and spend some time thinking and talking about "
So someone called you a unicorn hunter," as well as doing a search on these boards for "triads," and "thirds."
HBB, otherwise known as Hot Bi Babes, are arguably the most sought-after people in all the polyverse. Many, if not most (myself included) will have nothing to do with a couple seeking to date as a unit. It's a recipe for spectacular failure and heartbreak for the "unicorn." Triads that start like this end, in pretty much every case I've witnessed, heard about, and read about, horribly and explosively (and not because the "unicorn" is a bad person, but because this kind of relationship is unrealistic, at best, and often devolves into what could be considered repressive, confining, and/or emotionally abusive).
We get many, many couples here who write almost the exact same intro you do, and you'll get the same advice: date separately. If one of you finds a bi girlfriend and that GF happens to also click with the other of you, that's great. The very few triads that go well form naturally, and have a much higher chance of working out well for all parties involved.
First off thank you for the welcome as well as the reply!
We already understand the hurdles that are ahead of us, and I have actually already read that article about a month ago but i appreciate the info none the less! It made alot of great points, and i completely agreed with the part about how most couples are only seeking out a third to fill the gaps or repair their own relationship. Therefore this becomes a situation where the "unicorn" is being molded into something they arent in order to patch a relationship that seems to be failing.
I completely understand this and could see how this happens regularly. HOWEVER this has NEVER been our intention, nor do we have any gaps or flaws in our own relationship that we need to shove a unicorn into in order to repair. Again I understand that when a majority of "unicorn hunters" pull the same schemes, and cause the views of couples seeking a third to become jaded however i do not believe that me and my wife should be automatically prejudged based SOLELY on the fact that we simply wish to expand our relationship, kinda feels like prejudice in a community that should be more understanding to peoples wants and needs in life than mainstream society.
Me and my wife are happily married, secure in our relationship with one another to be honest with eachother and have open communication about our needs and desires. If we decide as a couple that we are both mutually interested in taking the time, and patience to search for that 1 special person, who wants to join a couple, not just for sex, or to repair a failing marriage, but to simply be an equal part in that relationship, as long as all of us are comfortable and understanding of eachother, i mean a LT relationship will never last if their isn't some kind of a deeper connection and understanding of one another something more than just sexual attraction amirite? We know what it is we are looking for, not some plaything, not something we can mold to be like us or to fit into what we establish as the ideal relationship, but someone who can share in our life, and we can share in theirs.
Yet because of this stigma it seems that is attached to poly MF couples seeking a third, well a third woman because i get the feeling the reply would have been fairly different if it were a man we were searching for. So because of said stigma, even tho we know what we want, we will just get told that we are better off doing something that makes US feel uncomfortable and is not what we are searching for as a couple? because....well just because?
We are not looking to each have our own partners and go off with them on our own to have our own private side relationships
this does not interest us and never has
even if there is some slim prospect that i or she could somehow find a bi chick who may be willing to join a couple?
just as unicorns are defended for their right to not be pressured into being someone they aren't or to be turned into those mess of emotions used as a tool to keep a marriage together. (which again i completely agree that this happens when it shouldn't and that it is not yours or theirs or anyones fault for these stigmas to exist but the couples themselves creating these bad reputations.
but do we as couples not deserve the same respect and rights? to not be forced or pressured into something that makes us uncomfortable simply because someone tells us to? or because its easier? or because there is some stigma attached to us couples in the poly community that is used against us and used to judge us before ever taking the 5-10 mins to have a conversation with those people and see what they are really all about?
We understand it won't be easy to find what it is we are looking for
we know it will take time, even years
but that's all a part of this crazy thing called life
and even if it took 15-20-35 years for us to finally find that special someone that gets us, that clicks with us, that understands
then its all worth it, and until then me and her will continue to fill each other's lives with love and happiness
also please do not take my reply the wrong way
i do appreciate your words of advice and i take them seriously
and i completely understand the points you are making and blame no one for our own uphill battle but the few bad eggs who always ruin it for the rest of the class.
It just gets frustrating when we do our best to be understanding and accepting of others peoples opinions and the way they want to live their lives, because who are we to tell you how to live? as a human being you deserve that simple respect.
and yet in return all we get told is
give up on unicorns and just have an open marriage and date seperately
it can be extremely aggravating when this happens everytime you reach out to the poly community, not even for help, but just to say "hi"
we are 2 who want to become 3
not 2 who want 1 on the side
not sets of 1 trying to become sets of 2
we share everything we have in this life with each other and if others can't respect our relationship enough to understand that and not try to change what gives us happiness then that's your opinion and your allowed to it but we won't sacrifice what we have just because we are automatically piled in with some stereotype.
again im sorry if im coming off as rude, or ranting i honestly dont mean to
and i really do appreciate this site, your opinion the info, and the poly community.
Am still thankful to have found this place and we wish you all nothing but the best
sorry i went on a bit of a rant there please don't take it personally and don't hold it to harshly against us i know you all wish for nothing more than to just help one another <3
P.S. i know my intro was horrible and it probably came off this way but we aren't necessarily here to hunt down unicorns or solely just to find a partner
mostly here because every other poly community we have been a part of simply to be more involved in discussions ended up being horrible, nothing but smut everywhere, no respect for a couples boundaries, or any members boundaries, nor any member seemed to take the time to read or learn anything about that person before message, just the usual dick pic and sext type messages hoping for an easy lay. so again we completely understand that there is a stigma that you have to be aware of.
i really really do appreciate this sites insight and will be the first to admit that even tho me and my wife our secure in knowing what we both want and are also aware that we must be understanding of whoever joins us wants, we are still fairly new (3-4 years) to the poly community, so we take the advice of people who have been living this lifestyle far longer than us seriously and respect what you have to say on the matter <3
" The very few triads that go well form naturally, and have a much higher chance of working out well for all parties involved" completely agree and this is actually the route we have been going down for the past year with a close and long time friend.
so sorry for the huge block of text
thank you so much greenacres for the warm welcome
the wise insight and words of advice
and most of all
for reading this mess of a reply
<3
