Might be my final post

notsureatall said:
Asked her about her questions and comments about this guy. Said she has no interest in him at all. Realises he is into her, and was just curious at my response to knowing this guy wants her.
Click to expand...
I like to trust people. So that's it. It was just more fantasy play.
A case where she is interested will come, but perhaps it's not this one after all.

Btw how did you answer her original question? Did you say you're absolutely NOT ok?
 
dingedheart said:
That seems far-fetched, given the circumstances.

My next thought is why or how he got that “noticeably“ into her. Did she have fun eating a banana in his office in a short tight skirt, like Sharon Stone, sans panties? Or is some of this story fabricated to get a reaction? Which seems equally crazy.
Click to expand...
It's really confusing. I don't know.
 
Tinwen said:
On one hand, I'm tempted to say that's quite normal. Most newbies to polyamory have double-standards that need to be examined first. You can point that out to her.

On the other hand, it still might be the case that she doesn't care because this is a fantasy. I wonder if she would dare find out whether he is interested at all, if you ok'd it [DON'T].
Click to expand...
She seems convinced he's interested. I do wonder if he's said something.
 
This may not be helpful to you. I hope in some fashion, it is.

I was in a long-term married relationship and went through something similar, although, maybe not quite as intense. The beginning of my tale was about 25 years ago. My wife made the same suggestions to me about being with other people. When she mentioned this I was very surprised. It came out of nowhere. I was very reluctant, and at the same time, very interested.

So, off we went down this path with me being with other women, swinger clubs, meeting couples, etc. We kept this up on and off for a few years. To make a long and hurtful story short, it ultimately ended in disaster. The sordid details are not that important anyway, except to say I received a lot of pressure in weird ways from my wife in the beginning and many times across the years. I have never been able to piece it all together as to why so many things were ok then not-ok; this was ok, but that was not. Ultimately, it was about more fundamental issues than having relations with other people. The sex stuff may have been more of a symptom than the issue.

Reading your posts has helped me rethink those early interactions and potentially explain many lingering confusions and hurt feelings. In hindsight, we simply did not communicate well. She didn't communicate to explain what was happening with her (like already being with others). I did not communicate either and ensure we were really talking apples to apples. I was complicit and mostly having fun. I have to own that. It is water under my bridge now, but I would tell my old self (meaning my previous self. As Dylan said, "I'm younger than that now.") to have the right conversations, no matter what, no matter how difficult.
 
Last edited:
KND said:
This may not be helpful to you. I hope in some fashion, it is.

I was in a long-term married relationship and went through something similar, although, maybe not quite as intense. The beginning of my tale was about 25 years ago. My wife made the same suggestions to me about being with other people. When she mentioned this I was very surprised. It came out of nowhere. I was very reluctant, and at the same time, very interested.

So, off we went down this path with me being with other women, swinger clubs, meeting couples, etc. We kept this up on and off for a few years. To make a long and hurtful story short, it ultimately ended in disaster. The sordid details are not that important anyway, except to say I received a lot of pressure in weird ways from my wife in the beginning and many times across the years. I have never been able to piece it all together as to why so many things were ok then not-ok; this was ok, but that was not. Ultimately, it was about more fundamental issues than having relations with other people. The sex stuff may have been more of a symptom than the issue.

Reading your posts has helped me rethink those early interactions and potentially explain many lingering confusions and hurt feelings. In hindsight, we simply did not communicate well. She didn't communicate to explain what was happening with her (like already being with others). I did not communicate either and ensure we were really talking apples to apples. I was complicit and mostly having fun. I have to own that. It is water under my bridge now, but I would tell my old self (meaning my previous self. As Dylan said, "I'm younger than that now.") to have the right conversations, no matter what, no matter how difficult.
Click to expand...
I've tried, so often and it leaves me more confused. Maybe you would have encountered the same thing. Regardless, I appreciate you sharing this. I feel like I'm on a similar path.
 
  • Like
Reactions: KND
notsureatall said:
I've tried, so often and it leaves me more confused. Maybe you would have encountered the same thing. Regardless, I appreciate you sharing this. I feel like I'm on a similar path.
Click to expand...
Two people need to be there for the right conversation to happen:(
 
Tinwen said:
Two people need to be there for the right conversation to happen:(
Click to expand...
I don't want to leave her over this. If she could be clear about her fantasies maybe we could have a genuine mid ground that works for both of us. The one big thing she occasionally comes back to is that she wants the freedom to explore but could never let me. I think that's part of the loop
 
notsureatall said:
I don't want to leave her over this. If she could be clear about her fantasies maybe we could have a genuine mid ground that works for both of us. The one big thing she occasionally comes back to is that she wants the freedom to explore but could never let me. I think that's part of the loop
Click to expand...
Never let you explore, or did you mean to write "never leave" you?
 
notsureatall said:
I don't want to leave her over this. If she could be clear about her fantasies maybe we could have a genuine mid ground that works for both of us. The one big thing she occasionally comes back to is that she wants the freedom to explore but could never let me. I think that's part of the loop
Click to expand...
Some people agree to "open on one side only" and others don't. I personally think what's good for the goose is good for the gander, but there's no one hard and fast rule. I wouldn't agree to anything you are unhappy with, though.
 
notsureatall said:
yeah. thats it.
Click to expand...
But you're intrigued by the idea? That's why you're here doing all the research instead of just telling her that no, you are not up to any of this?
 
Tinwen said:
But you're intrigued by the idea? That's why you're here doing all the research instead of just telling her that no, you are not up to any of this?
Click to expand...
I used to just say no. I was totally close minded. The topic kept coming up and I ended up finding here are doing research. However I found trying to talk to her that things go in loops and I don’t think she’s emotionally capable of anything like this. I also am not willing to accept a one sided agreement and she’s too jealous to budge.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top