It comes out of Non-Violent Communication process. Like slowing things down to a slow motion movie. Here's the simple sheet.
Express and receive communication empathically using the four-part Nonviolent Communication process developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Here's one with more notes.
While some situations are confusing, no need to ADD to the confusion by mixing up words. We don't always have control over situations. Some get thrust up on us. We do have control over how we choose to react/respond to the thing.
Be it a simple thing or a complicated thing? Something
happened first to start the process. So describing events in chronological order, and then with the right words for each part sometimes helps point toward new things to try.
"I know" -- things you know. I know my name. My phone number. I know my address. I do not "think" or "feel" this. I KNOW it.
"I observe/I experience" -- that describes "the thing" or "the event." The original stimulus. I don't think it is raining. I see it. I observe it out the window. RAIN.
"I think/ I do" thinking or action behavior in reaction/response to the thing. (Sometimes the behavior we think/do happens so fast we don't even realize we are doing it. But when one can clearly identify thoughts? See what action they did? One can change their mind about how to handle it next time. )
"Then I feel ____" is whatever feeling ensues. Fun feelings or less fun feelings? In time they all pass, so long as one changes the behavior.
If you want to feel something different? Then you have to change the thinking/action behavior in order for a new feeling to ensue.
If I see it is raining, and I choose to go run to my car without pausing for umbrella? If I end up in the wet of my clothes and drippy car seat? I made the choice. Ugh feelings will ensue. I feel grumpy.
I could have stopped. Chosen to pause to get umbrella and choose being tardy (smaller ugh) than choose showing up on time all wet (big ugh). In future I could stash a small tote umbrella in purse so I can be dry AND on time. Or leaver earlier so I have some buffer time to solve unexpected problems.
But if I describe the event to myself with muddy words and not even in order...
I THINK it is raining (I didn't LOOK?)
I think I feel cranky (I'm so disconnected from my feelings I can't say "I'm wet, It feels cold and ugh. So I am cranky at the discomfort?)
I FEEL like I went outside in the rain to my car (I don't know where I am/go?)
Well, none of that suggests future solutions as clearly in a 1 person situation, right?
Make it a communication issue/complex situation with more than one person in it, and with everyone using words interchangeably and the events out of order and you can see how it can get really muddied up really fast, right? People get hot headed, frustrated, etc.
When dealing/communicating with others? One may have to detangle what is "my stuff" from "their stuff" from "our stuff -- shared responsibilities." So it helps in that detangling to list events in order, be clear, and not use words interchangeably for YOUR parts of the situation making. Use "I statements" rather than "you statements."
It sounds nitpicky, but if everything is one bucket, how can anyone sort things out, think of new solutions to try? See where things went wrong in a group and who could do what to which parts?
I observe/experience for the situation / the thing I get myself into.
- I do/think in reaction /response to the thing.
- Then feelings of ___ ensue in me.
- If nice to feel, keep doing that thinking or action behavior.
- If not nice, change the doing or thinking behavior. See if new feelings ensue.
Ultimately a person is NOT their situation, their thoughts or their feelings. They are themselves.
The person in the driver's seat who is getting into situations that they will EXPERIENCE/OBSERVE.
Then DOING the thinking or action behavior in reaction or response to said situation.
Then FEELING whatever emotions ensue from their behavior choices.
Then they pick the next choice.
Hope that makes sense.