Millhuas' mental health

Millhuas

Member
Starting this thread as journal of my mental health. I may ask for advice I may not. Though the intention is to keep active participation on my growth as a human being how well I can quell and assimilate my turmoils. If some one does read this and has question about me I will answer within my wheel house of comfort. I believe there's power to be a force great support given to someone when they can be an anonymous shoulder to cry on. I have been that for many people and it has caused me to neglect my own mental health, emotional needs, and relationships goals/expectations.

If someone reads my story here as I write it and it helps them, I am glad. I haven't been on this community for long, though it has already been very warm, soft, and loving unconditionally. I want to be a permanent member to help people but I need to help myself first.
 
I deserve to be happy. I deserve love that is unconditional. I deserve to feel valued, important, and wanted.

With those out of the way, tomorrow I am calling my insurance company to lookup mental health benefits and to do a provider search. I also have an entrance exam for college in the morning. These are the mechanical things I need to do tomorrow.

My emotional chore for tomorrow is this. I will lay out my expectations of communication with my wife. She's asleep now after an a stressful eventful weekend and I will let her rest.

What I want is for her and I to address a heavy subject within our relationship each week that has caused stress on me. The first subject will be a hard pill to swallow, pointing out the large picture and breaking down what has caused it.

I feel like I have been carrying the emotional weight of our relationship by myself for longer than we have been married. I don't know how long I have exactly or when it started but I want to address this.

Despite my concerns and pains I love my wife and I know that her reasons and intentions are valid but that does not change the pain I have bottled.

I want to end the post by describing myself. I feel lost at times. I am drowning and cannot breathe. Other times I find myself laughing for no reason, take note I do not feel joy when doing this. And finally I find myself having lucid moments of extreme clarity devoid of emotion. I will feel the pain of previous relationships. I felt when I was raped, when I was later abandoned, when my house was broken into, when I was scared of being killed, and when I was raped by having my consent manipulated be another couple under false pretenses. And I feel the pain of being neglected by girlfriend/fiance/spouse because she is too tired, sick, or busy to spend time with me while I drop everything I am doing to please her despite also being tired, sick, or busy.

I am afraid being alone. I am afraid of only being loved with conditions in place. I am afraid being replaced. I am afraid of not being enough.


I am scared, but I am ready to be more. These discordant pieces of me need to be whole.

I will be taking steps to better myself. No I don't want to be better, I want to be happy, wanted, to know without doubt that I am loved unconditionally.

I also will need my wife to show that she is aware of her part in our relationship because I cannot allow myself to bear this weight any longer. I am killing myself to make everyone else happy. I want to know that others are willing to make me happy and I want to feel empowered in making myself happy.

I will end this post by showing the actual first step I took in being me. I painted this as gift to my wife for Christmas and it is my coming out piece.
 

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Ok. Just finished day one. I have scheduled my first appointment with a therapist for next Tuesday. The internet went while trying to take my assessments for college so I will now be enrolling summer classes. Silver lining the money that would have gone to spring semester can go to a car instead. So now we can check finding money for a car off the to do list. I've scheduled an appointment to get my vaccine booster this Thursday too.

My wife and I also sat down a spoke with each other on what we want from each other and our selves going further into our marriage.

We know that regardless of who we see, we are each others rock in a storm. She and I know that no other person could mean to us what we do. I have struggled with self worth and it's time to air all my dirty laundry.
 
Day two, we spoke about financial obligations and expectations. And working together to lessen the impact of major spending. My wife has promised to be more present and not pouring so much of herself into her job that she doesn't have enough emotional where with all to be active in our marriage.

My wife and I, the last few days, have noticed an almost pendulum esque swing of my emotions where they disassociate themselves from what event has caused them. Laughing deeply when I should be crying, being angry when something relaxing has happened, occasional burst of emotional emptiness accompanied by extreme awareness.

Therapy starts next Tuesday and I will be discussing all this in depth.
 
Day Three

Ok, early post today. Will probably make an edit later tonight. I have been answering questions on what I feel and why. And whether I wanted to be polyam or if I was only accommodating my spouses wishes. Here's a recap of the questions I've asked myself.

Q:Am I hurt? Why?
A: yes, I feel disproportionate towards the effort received from my spouse at an emotional and sexual level.

Q: Why do I feel this way? What are some examples?
A: I feel that my time isn't valued. I feel like I am ignored. I feel like I lack power in my consent.

Example #1: I am asked for my opinion on a large life decision. Let's say moving. I always wanted to live on the shore, to be close to water, to see the sunrise off of the ocean. My wife wants to be available to see her family when she wants to. She is scared of leaving the connections she has made behind. I am willing to negotiate. I am willing to move somewhere that is near her family where I can swim in vast bodies of water. I am willing to split expenses to have her and her family brought together on a more regular basis than we do now. After many hard discussions she say she cannot move and wishes to stay where we are now. The discussion ends. I feel this situation is only to her benefit.

Example #2: Three months into our marriage, we have opened our relationship. She asks about seeing a friend who I am very close to. The friend has already said to my wife that my consent is needed before he will continue beyond a friendship with her into a romantic relationship. I am asked by my wife, after saying yes she tells me to really think on it return to the subject in 48 hrs. I think on it further and am not okay with that particular situation and have a response ready in 24 hrs. When telling her she gets upset and blames me for limiting her happiness and restrict how she can love. I tell her that if my consent holds no meaning than I am not a part of her life nor the decisions she makes. I let her know I am willing to open but we need to establish boundaries. Two weeks later she tells me that she is going to close off the relationship with my friend. He does not know about the argument my wife and I had. I tell her thank and that I trust her. I ask the following how it went and she hadn't closed it yet. This pattern continued for two months and ultimately my friend and my wife just didn't work out for whatever reason. She didn't take the actions she promised to address my pain, my feelings of betrayal, and the robbing of my consent.

Q:Are their other reasons why I am hurt?
A:Yes

Q:What are those reasons?
A: I have past traumas that I have only addressed the action and not the emotion.

Q:What are those traumas?
A:My first Girlfriend who would later be my first fiance raped me. A woman who I loved and lived with abandoned me. A past lover used me for financial gain and left me. The girlfriend I had before meeting my wife threatens her life and mine with violence. The first couple we shared in a polyam relationship groomed our consent.

Q: Do I want to resolve what has caused the pain I feel?
A: Yes

Q: Do I want to let go of my pain?
A: Yes

Q:Can I let go of my pain?
A: no

Q:Why do I feel that I can't let go.
A:I don't feel that I have had emotional closure.

Q:What will give me this closure I seek?
A: I don't know.

Q:Can I forgive my rapist?
A: I don't know.

Q: Can I forgive being abandoned?
A: Yes

Q: Can I forgive being used?
A: Yes

Q: Can I forgive being threatened?
A: Yes

Q: Can I forgive having my consent groomed into approval?
A: I don't know

Q: Can I forgive what happened in my first example.
A: yes, though only with promise that we will compromise to meet both our needs.

Q:Can I forgive what happened in my second example?
A: I don't know

Q: Why can't I forgive these actions?
A: I feel violated and don't trust them not to happen again. My consent didn't matter, and neither did my voice at the time.

Q:Could I be willing to move if the parties involved made reparations?
A: Yes

Q: What reparations could be made?
A: My friend must be made aware of the situation, and I need her word that it will never happen again.

Q: Can you promise to move on?
A: I don't know

Q: Do I feel guilty speaking to other people?
A: Not anymore

Q: Am I able to accept that my wife will have sex with others?
A: Yes

Q: Am I able to accept that my wife will love others?
A: Yes

Q: Do I trust my wife to be emotional present with me to the same degree that allows herself to be with others?
A: No

Q: Why do I feel this way?
A: I feel she has struggled in the past to allow herself time to be present in our relationship. She has made promises to be more active with us at a deeper level and has only seen them through for short term durations.

Q: Am I willing to compromise?
A: Yes, I need quality time together that shows effort beyond convenience.

Q: What is my proposal for compromise and why?
A: 2 hours hear and there are an easy way to show quality time when convenient. I am not comfortable with my wife spending long extended periods of quality time where she can devote herself to having undivided attention on the needs and growth of someone else's relationship when I feel that doesn't have the ability or willingness to spend that level of quality time with me. I feel like I only matter when it is convenient.
 
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You're beginning to unpack some good stuff here. Tip I'm nicking from @GalaGirl ...use "think" when it's a thought and "feel" when it's an emotion. Emotions are the things that you feel in the body. Thoughts are things you hear/see in your head. I'd suggest you are using "feel" way too much above and a lot of that could be replaced with "think." GG is better at explaining how this, so I've tagged her so maybe she can link to something useful.
 
It comes out of Non-Violent Communication process. Like slowing things down to a slow motion movie. Here's the simple sheet.


Here's one with more notes.


While some situations are confusing, no need to ADD to the confusion by mixing up words. We don't always have control over situations. Some get thrust up on us. We do have control over how we choose to react/respond to the thing.

Be it a simple thing or a complicated thing? Something happened first to start the process. So describing events in chronological order, and then with the right words for each part sometimes helps point toward new things to try.

"I know" -- things you know. I know my name. My phone number. I know my address. I do not "think" or "feel" this. I KNOW it.

"I observe/I experience" -- that describes "the thing" or "the event." The original stimulus. I don't think it is raining. I see it. I observe it out the window. RAIN.

"I think/ I do" thinking or action behavior in reaction/response to the thing. (Sometimes the behavior we think/do happens so fast we don't even realize we are doing it. But when one can clearly identify thoughts? See what action they did? One can change their mind about how to handle it next time. )

"Then I feel ____" is whatever feeling ensues. Fun feelings or less fun feelings? In time they all pass, so long as one changes the behavior.

If you want to feel something different? Then you have to change the thinking/action behavior in order for a new feeling to ensue.

If I see it is raining, and I choose to go run to my car without pausing for umbrella? If I end up in the wet of my clothes and drippy car seat? I made the choice. Ugh feelings will ensue. I feel grumpy.

I could have stopped. Chosen to pause to get umbrella and choose being tardy (smaller ugh) than choose showing up on time all wet (big ugh). In future I could stash a small tote umbrella in purse so I can be dry AND on time. Or leaver earlier so I have some buffer time to solve unexpected problems.

But if I describe the event to myself with muddy words and not even in order...

I THINK it is raining (I didn't LOOK?)
I think I feel cranky (I'm so disconnected from my feelings I can't say "I'm wet, It feels cold and ugh. So I am cranky at the discomfort?)
I FEEL like I went outside in the rain to my car (I don't know where I am/go?)


Well, none of that suggests future solutions as clearly in a 1 person situation, right?

Make it a communication issue/complex situation with more than one person in it, and with everyone using words interchangeably and the events out of order and you can see how it can get really muddied up really fast, right? People get hot headed, frustrated, etc.

When dealing/communicating with others? One may have to detangle what is "my stuff" from "their stuff" from "our stuff -- shared responsibilities." So it helps in that detangling to list events in order, be clear, and not use words interchangeably for YOUR parts of the situation making. Use "I statements" rather than "you statements."

It sounds nitpicky, but if everything is one bucket, how can anyone sort things out, think of new solutions to try? See where things went wrong in a group and who could do what to which parts?

I observe/experience for the situation / the thing I get myself into.
  • I do/think in reaction /response to the thing.
    • Then feelings of ___ ensue in me.
      • If nice to feel, keep doing that thinking or action behavior.
      • If not nice, change the doing or thinking behavior. See if new feelings ensue.

Ultimately a person is NOT their situation, their thoughts or their feelings. They are themselves.

The person in the driver's seat who is getting into situations that they will EXPERIENCE/OBSERVE.

Then DOING the thinking or action behavior in reaction or response to said situation.

Then FEELING whatever emotions ensue from their behavior choices.

Then they pick the next choice.

Hope that makes sense.

GG
 
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Here's how I'd write it in case it helps you any. I grey out stuff and replace with blue.

This is your value/need:

  • I need quality time together that shows effort beyond convenience

This is the behavior you want to ask her to change.

  • She only spends time with me when it is convenient.

You suggested solution:

  • 2 hours hear and there are an easy way to show quality time when convenient.

If what you need is REGULAR TIME spent with you in order to feel seen/valued, ask for what you need. You do not ask for her to stop treating you at her convenience by asking her to fit you in... at her convenience.

Q: Do I trust my wife to be emotionally present with me to the same degree that allows herself to be with others?
A: No

Q: Why do I feel this way?
A: in the past she has not made time to be present in our relationship. She has made promises to be more active with us at a deeper level and has only seen them through for short term durations. I don't trust her because she doesn't regularly follow through.

Q: Am I willing to compromise? Am I willing to make a suggestion?
( What you are doing is offering a suggestion. The word "compromise" is something else. )


A: I need quality time together that shows effort beyond convenience. I have a suggestion.

Q: What is my suggestion and why?

A: 2 hours hear and there are an easy way to show quality time when convenient. I am not comfortable with my wife spending long extended periods of quality time where she can devote herself to having undivided attention on the needs and growth of someone else's relationship when I feel that doesn't have the ability or willingness to spend that level of quality time with me. I feel like I only matter when it is convenient.

This makes no sense. You want to NOT be a matter of convenience and you are asking her to "fit you in here and there at her convenience."

I suggest you ask more directly for what you need and become more confident in articulating it. I suggest using the NVC process.


NVC PROCESS

Identify need to your own self clearly. This took you a while, but you got there.

  • I need regular quality time together that shows effort beyond convenience.
State observation to spouse:
  • Could we talk? (obtain consent or make appointment)
  • (when consent is given or appointment time to talk comes...) When I see you willing to make the time in your schedule to spend regular time with others and not with me?
State Feeling:

I feel taken for granted/neglected...

State need:

...because I need regular quality time with you on the schedule to feel close. Not just here and there like an after thought.

Make request:

Could you please be willing to schedule regular time on the calendar with me? At least for this quarter? Then try a different time the next quarter til we figure out the regular times that work best?



Could try that and see if it serves you better. It is a reasonable and rational request that attempts to meet your actual need.

If you'd like to read more, my fav of the NVC books is this one.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Here's how I'd write it in case it helps you any. I grey out stuff and replace with blue.

This is your value/need:

  • I need quality time together that shows effort beyond convenience

This is the behavior you want to ask her to change.

  • She only spends time with me when it is convenient.

You suggested solution:

  • 2 hours hear and there are an easy way to show quality time when convenient.

If what you need is REGULAR TIME spent with you in order to feel seen/valued, ask for what you need. You do not ask for her to stop treating you at her convenience by asking her to fit you in... at her convenience.

Q: Do I trust my wife to be emotionally present with me to the same degree that allows herself to be with others?
A: No

Q: Why do I feel this way?
A: in the past she has not made time to be present in our relationship. She has made promises to be more active with us at a deeper level and has only seen them through for short term durations. I don't trust her because she doesn't regularly follow through.

Q: Am I willing to compromise? Am I willing to make a suggestion?
( What you are doing is offering a suggestion. The word "compromise" is something else. )


A: I need quality time together that shows effort beyond convenience. I have a suggestion.

Q: What is my suggestion and why?

A: 2 hours hear and there are an easy way to show quality time when convenient. I am not comfortable with my wife spending long extended periods of quality time where she can devote herself to having undivided attention on the needs and growth of someone else's relationship when I feel that doesn't have the ability or willingness to spend that level of quality time with me. I feel like I only matter when it is convenient.

This makes no sense. You want to NOT be a matter of convenience and you are asking her to "fit you in here and there at her convenience."

I suggest you ask more directly for what you need and become more confident in articulating it. I suggest using the NVC process.


NVC PROCESS

Identify need to your own self clearly. This took you a while, but you got there.

  • I need regular quality time together that shows effort beyond convenience.
State observation to spouse:
  • Could we talk? (obtain consent or make appointment)
  • (when consent is given or appointment time to talk comes...) When I see you willing to make the time in your schedule to spend regular time with others and not with me?
State Feeling:

I feel taken for granted/neglected...

State need:

...because I need regular quality time with you on the schedule to feel close. Not just here and there like an after thought.

Make request:

Could you please be willing to schedule regular time on the calendar with me? At least for this quarter? Then try a different time the next quarter til we figure out the regular times that work best?



Could try that and see if it serves you better. It is a reasonable and rational request that attempts to meet your actual need.

If you'd like to read more, my fav of the NVC books is this one.

GL!
Galagirl
Thanks, so much for the help. I was wanting to use this as a conduit to throw emotions and hurt at a medium to get what I feel, think, want, and dislike put out. Like writing letters to your abuser and burning them. I get where reading them, it may seem disjointed. That is because my thoughts are disjointed and jumbled. I just put the words down that are on my mind as they are on my mind. I try to take my time and have intention in the way I speak on most occasions. And for this particular thread, I can't really slow down what I'm putting in it as then I have time to censor the thoughts and that prevent reading later in it's most unchanged form. I'm gonna take the advice when speaking certainly, though you may not see it in this thread.
 
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Your blog -- you use the tool how you want to.

But yes, when actually making requests of spouse? Could consider NVC method if it is useful to you.

GG
 
Visiting family, my wife and I have had some really strong communication lately. Not too much to report for the day. Been pretty stable. The vaccine booster kicked my ass but other than that, nothing to tell ATM.
 
Happy holidays, still no new developments today. Currently not feeling sad. And also not having inconsistent emotions either. Good in my opinion.
 
Tomorrows the big day, I start my therapy. It got moved up and I haven't a new therapist scheduled. I've also reconnected with a few friends. One I have spoken to since we were children. I like her a lot, don't know if it's just rose tinted glasses or actual us today. I do think that she likes me as well. She knows I'm Poly, and Demi/Omni. At the very least I'm glad she's back in my life as a friend. My other friend I worked with only three maybe four years ago. She and I used to work night shift at special needs facility, we would talk for probably four hours a night. Yeah, she's good stock when it comes through being a decent human being. I've missed both of them.
 
I had my intake with my therapist. I answered a few questions, we got to know each other, and outline what I initially want to address with my therapy.

I do struggle with vindictive twists on my nature. Where remember something and will have vindictive impulses due to the memory. This happens despite being aware that it may be a fond or neutral encounter or experience.

I also dislike being tired. I don't hold it against anyone when they are tired either. However, when someone allows tiredness to interfere with their life and with mine I take issue.
Example: throughout the day we flirt, sext, role-play, and make plans to have some intimacy. When one partner gets home they tired and cannot get aroused, fine I can deal. However, when they are too tired to have sex, though they allow themselves get up every hour for at least an hour at least three times to do something else before actually getting sleep, the situation changes. They are no longer to do anything. Instead, they are too tired to do anything with me.

This has been an issue in our marriage and in our relationship for too long, and today I addressed it.

I told my wife that if we are going to accept being too tired as reason to either reject or not pursue intimacy, than we are going to address the issue at hand. If she is tired, she needs sleep. If I am tired l, I need to sleep.

I told that while she may not mean to come off as too tired to spend time with me, intention doesn't remove effect. She has a bad habit of mismanaging time, this led to her overexerting and not having any energy for quality time at all, for like two years steady. I know it isn't easy to hear but often times when people grow distant it isn't because of just one person.

I've been made aware of what I have done and am addressing it, she must be willing to do the same. A lot her absenteeism in our marriage the last year has been blamed on large project with work that took place over the whole year. I understand when someone has been busy and is overworked, however she volunteered the timeframe that caused her to not be at home, and she also refused to take the time needed to properly recover so that she could be present.

when you combine an established pattern of rejecting intimacy to instead do other things, refusing to allow others to assist or take part in said things, and then a sudden change on the dynamic with a reopening of the relationship, how is anyone supposed to be able to adjust to a better situation. I don't blame you for the timing of when we opened. I don't blame you for anything. I just want shouldered accountability for the drifting that has taken place in "us".

Habits are hard to break and they always take a first step.

I know I have a habit of shouldering all the blame for a situation with out addressing who is at fault for actions. I say this because it is important to recognize my shortcomings if I every want to overcome them. I again only ask that you be willing to do the same.

I love you Kara, goodnight.
 
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Today, I had my first date with someone other than my wife. No hard moments where my emotions, senses, and thoughts cold not be communicated properly. It's a nice change. I grow tired of feeling a particular way inside and looks ng a different way outside.

My friend and I are going to regularly spend time together each Tuesday.
 
Every Wednesday, I spend time with my best friend. He's pretty great, very straight, and all fun to be with. He makes you feel confident in opening up to him. I am aware of a crush that I have, and I am aware that it is not reciprocated. I value our friendship too much to skew the line with sexuality and titles. He's my best friend, and I value all the time we spend together l, regardless of the way it is spent.
 
NGL today was ass. Every plan I have tried to make for today has fallen through. Just feels like a huge waste of time. Ready to get this weekend over with.
 
Been spending the time leading up to the ball drop in a depressive state. I recognize that what is happening should make me happy. My wife has been looking up activities and events we can do for/with each other. It means so much for her to surprise me with a list of things to choose from to do together. I want to laugh, smile, and beam from ear to ear with joy, but I just feel sad and exhausted.
 
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