Mono dating/in love with (possible) poly

H

Hugh_doory

New member
Hey, new here, would love some advice!

I have been mono for the first 30 years of my life. I have started dating a girl who is in a poly relationship and I’ve fallen madly in love with her. I’m struggling a bit. She and her partner have been together for a year. He was the one who wanted to be poly, and she went along with it because she liked the concept of poly and couldn’t lose him (as far as I’ve pieced together!)

She was struggling (as he had another partner who was an ex). She is enjoying it more now that she is dating me, but she still doesn’t know if poly is for her.

I don’t know if I can do this. I love her, so I want to try, but I am struggling with the concept, and wondering if she actually wants this or if she just can’t let go of him, and then I am wondering if I am not just putting myself in the exact same position.

We have a very strong bond and things are going amazingly, but I would like to see her more and am not sure how I feel about things long term.

Any advice for monos joining an established couple, or any advice about whether this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen? I am not intending to break them up, but trying to keep seeing her whilst she figures out what she wants, and then it will be my turn to work out what I want.
 
As with any new relationship, mono or poly, right now you’re in the NRE phase. So I’m not surprised it’s intense and confusing. However, rather than waiting to see what she wants and then work out what you want, I suggest you spend time now working out what you want. If you’re open to poly, but not sure, get some books, read lots of the articles recommended on the forum, and learn more about it. Then, if she does want to stay poly, you will know and understand much more about how it can work for you. Or you may decide it will never work for you, no matter how wonderful she is. But don’t just give away your agency. Good luck.
 
For mono-couples to poly, it usually takes a few months to a year to do some research, and 2 or 3 years for transition, so at least give yourself the time and space to figure it out for yourself as well and what is best for YOU.

You won't know how Lady and Partner will come out of this, so better to have it ready for yourself, because how long are you willing to wait? Months? Years? Like MoPoly said, you have agency in this.
 
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Thanks, both.

I think I’m gonna gracefully bow out, and wish her the best in the most heartfelt way I can. Maybe this has taught me that poly is more about people being free, and sometimes that’s about letting them go. And also that I shouldn’t be so prepared to sacrifice myself for love. Idk...

Thanks again. :)
 
No one should be doing poly just to avoid losing a poly partner. You should only date polyamorously if you really feel it fulfills who you are. You have more love to give. You want to give your love, time and effort to more than one partner.

Or, if you are mono but want to date a poly person, only do it if you are truly okay with getting less of their time than you might from a mono partner, and are truly happy to have them fulfill themselves.

If you're still here and still wondering about poly, even if you've decided to break up with this woman, here are the mentioned reading resources, plus a podcast about poly:

 
Hello Hugh_doory,

Poly is not for everyone, you have to figure out if it's right for you. You can't do it just because the girl you're dating is doing it, and you're just going along. It has to be because you like the idea of polyamory independently, to where even if this girl wasn't in your life, you would still be interested in trying poly.

I wouldn't go so far as to think that this is a disaster waiting to happen, I think the worst possible outcome is that you and she may end up breaking up. I would, however, suggest that you go ahead and work out in your mind how you really feel about polyamory, don't wait for your girlfriend to decide first. Hopefully Polyamory.com can help you in your ruminations.

It sounds like you have worked out the best answer for you. That's the best you can do in this situation. Do wish her the best in the most heartfelt way you can, and if she were here, I would offer her advice similar to what I offered you. Poly is not for everyone, and you're right, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to set them free.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Just as an FYI update to all the lush souls that took the time to reply;
I planned a really lovely way to end things, it was super sad, but then we had a ‘last date’ and went for a meal (also super sad) but it felt so like the wrong choice so then discussed everything in super vulnerable detail, and then something in me changed or I gave up something deep and now we’re gonna try and make it work out of a place of honesty and vulnerability.

Then I had some crazy dream about clouds and support and woke up understanding that if I want to love her, I have to accept everything including her relationship with her current bf and just love it all as a facet of her.

So yeh. Felt powerful and beautiful and thanks for all the advice.
Sure I’ll be back as I know this path ain’t gonna be easy, but it’s sure as hell a path with heart and that’s I all I ask for any path that this crazy life sends me on.
 
Thanks for that update, it sounds like you've decided to give it a go after all. Definitely keep us posted on your evolving situation, and let us know if/as new questions arise for you. We are rooting for you, good luck!
 
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