I (26F mono) met a 41 year old poly woman in August. She added me from a dating app, knowing I was monogamous. (She added me because she found me cute.) She has a boyfriend and I was very suspicious at first. I asked a lot of questions and assumed they just wanted me as a 3rd, like a lot of people on those apps do, but that didn't seem to be the case. She did say IF I wanted him involved, then he could be. I am lesbian, btw. I did not want him to have any involvement.
Bear in mind we are in separate countries. She is in America and I am in England.
So, throughout these months, she made me feel very special and so loved, something I have been craving for a long time. I usually just have short flings of sexting girls with not much else to it. She would make me feel beautiful and cared for, for the most part. She'd send me so many songs to listen to. It could be ones important to her, or ones that she said were "us", so I would really have to listen to the lyrics. She'd send me things to watch and send me multiple snapchats of her, and videos throughout the day, and tell me about random things. It was really cute. I don't usually go for older women, but she was crazy hot, beautiful, intriguing and not the typical 41 year old. She definitely seemed younger. (She is bipolar and potentially autistic.)
She'd beg for my attention and was sometimes needy if I didn't respond for a while, because she's a brat. She gave me a lot of attention. At night she would get very horny. She used to send me nudes a lot.
She drank every night. She would often tell me she loved me and we had a few nights where we said the most deepest things to each other. It felt so intimate and surreal. I was falling for her from very early on. She even told me she was addicted to me, as I was to her. This only ever really seemed to happen when she was drunk, though, so I was always like "Are you sure you're not just saying this because you're buzzed rn?" She would deny, but part of me feels it was just that.
Some arguments happened because I would get jealous of her speaking to other people, and sending them nudes, etc. She would also hate when I would talk about me talking to other girls. She did not want to hear it. Some days she seemed jealous, other days she wasn't bothered if I had other girls. I don't know how that works for someone who is poly. I've been trying to understand the world of poly, but I can't seem to, unfortunately.
She was pretty new to poly when I met her; before her current boyfriend, she was with an abusive husband for 18 years, who controlled her. I think that's what made her lean into poly, because she has full control over whatever she does now.
There were a few red flags along the road. She seemed to intentionally hurt me a few times, knowing how upset it made me. She would act oblivious and uncaring. Then if I expressed the hurt it made me feel, she would bring up her ex, how she's heard much worse from him and compare me to him. It was gaslighting and manipulation. She would then give a phony "I'm sorry," but never really seem to mean it.
For the last 2-3 months she started to act differently towards me, wasn't sending me selfies and videos like before, less nudes... She wouldn't send them spontaneously anymore, and would even avoid when asked. She wasn't sharing songs with me or anything like before, barely initiated the convos, had less enthusiasm and wasn't all that lovey with me. She began to stop saying I love you first. (SHE USED TO SEND MULTIPLE VIDEOS OF HER SAYING IT. It started to feel like she was just saying it with no meaning attached to it, like it was a fun thing for her).
Anyway, I felt the vibe and energy change, and every time I questioned her about it she would be so nonchalant and gaslight me into thinking it hadn't changed. It made me feel crazy. She always had excuses, which i would respect. But something was definitely off. I realised it was because she had started talking to another girl, a girl who lives in her state. That is when the energy changed.
Skip to now, we argued just after Christmas because I was trying to engage sexually with her because it had been a while, and she kept avoiding with jokes and would give me false hope about how she was going to do something, but never did. At this point she hadn't sent me nudes for over a week and she told me that she had sent other people them. That broke me. I said she's "just a whore" out of anger and how she doesn't love me anymore and that someone's replaced me, I can feel it. Every time I said these things she wouldn't deny anything, and it only made me feel worse. I cried so much. She became so cold and said "I would" when I said "You would just carry on sexting them anyway". She had no care for how I felt. I stopped talking to her for a few days. Her snapchat score of course carried on going up and up, a lot.
Skip to a few days ago, I messaged her. She kept leaving me on seen. I apologised for what I called her. She was very upset with it, it hurt her a lot. (Her ex always used to call her that.) I felt very bad... but at the same time, it feels true because of how promiscuous she is. I wanted an apology from her because the other day she said, "I'm sorry you feel that way," as I was really hurting because of her behaviour towards me. I said that isn't even an apology, it's what narcissists say, and it's a form of manipulation! She did not care. (I think she's learned a lot of these traits from her ex.)
After me wanting things to go back normal and her not showing me any form of love or affection, she revealed to me that she was going to be staying with that girl she'd been talking to since October...a day before she's going there?! She then says they are dating.
My heart shattered. I had a panic attack. My gut was right all along. That's why she hasn't been into me anymore. She stopped saving my selfies to chat like we'd both always done. She never complimented me anymore or made me feel good about myself. She just love-bombed and discarded me.
I asked why didn't she tell me all this time and she came up with a lame excuse about how upset I've been with my ex best friend, so she obviously didn't want to hurt me even more. BUT this was happening even before my friend issues. All she did was use me and abandon me when something better came along. During all of this and me being so upset, spilling my heart out with paragraphs, she was the most nonchalant disinterested person ever. She only sent me a single sentence or a few words to each thing. She didn't take ANY of it in and was only responding selectively. I wanted reassurance, i wanted SOMETHING that would make me feel better. She gave me nothing.
I said "You didn't save my selfie because you don't find me attractive anymore," and she didn't deny it. I was practically begging her to just be straight up and ADMIT and tell me she's not into me anymore. I don't know why she just couldn't do that! She left me hanging there with false hope and slow replyies to me as I'm overthinking and breaking down. It was like i was speaking to a brick wall! It hurt like nothing else I have experienced before.
She told me she does love me, but why won't she say what changed?! She said this is a bad time of year for her, she gets seasonal depression and is stressed about money, etc. But how does that equate to not showing me the same love and attention she once did? Because this new girl is getting all of that! How is that even fair? Nothing ever gets resolved with her because she shuts down and stonewalls me and then it's always me having to say sorry.
I am truly heartbroken. I never thought I was going to get this attached to her. I never want to be attached to anyone else ever again. She knew how broken I already was from my past. She promised me she'd never hurt me and that i could trust her. She was my safe space :'(
I uninstalled Snapchat so we can't speak anymore, because it only breaks me more. Knowing that she's now staying with this girl she's known for less than me really kills me. I thought poly people are supposed to show everyone the same amount of love and attention and have no favourites? I was replaced and it fucking kills me. That has always been my biggest fear. I was played, betrayed and lied to. It wouldn't have hit me so hard if she was just straight up and honest with me and told me from the get go, instead of stringing me along, completely oblivious, as I tell her how much I love her and want her. I really don't know if i can heal and move on from her. I feel so in love with the image she portrayed herself to be (as well as my own delusions).
I feel so humiliated.
She was the only person I spoke to daily. I'm incredibly lonely and now i am even worse off. i wish i never accepted her add in the first place. 4-5 months of my life was wasted. She meant more to me than what I did to her. She isn't going to miss me, I will be the one missing her and that is the sad truth. She got bored of me. It was clear as day.
I'm sorry for how long this is, it's felt good to vent this all out. If you've somehow read all of this, thank you so much for taking the time to. I know I have been toxic myself in this. I'm not saying everything has been her fault. But I need to know if her treatment towards me was normal...
Edit: Here is part of the conversation we had before I went no contact: (swipe)
Bear in mind we are in separate countries. She is in America and I am in England.
So, throughout these months, she made me feel very special and so loved, something I have been craving for a long time. I usually just have short flings of sexting girls with not much else to it. She would make me feel beautiful and cared for, for the most part. She'd send me so many songs to listen to. It could be ones important to her, or ones that she said were "us", so I would really have to listen to the lyrics. She'd send me things to watch and send me multiple snapchats of her, and videos throughout the day, and tell me about random things. It was really cute. I don't usually go for older women, but she was crazy hot, beautiful, intriguing and not the typical 41 year old. She definitely seemed younger. (She is bipolar and potentially autistic.)
She'd beg for my attention and was sometimes needy if I didn't respond for a while, because she's a brat. She gave me a lot of attention. At night she would get very horny. She used to send me nudes a lot.
She drank every night. She would often tell me she loved me and we had a few nights where we said the most deepest things to each other. It felt so intimate and surreal. I was falling for her from very early on. She even told me she was addicted to me, as I was to her. This only ever really seemed to happen when she was drunk, though, so I was always like "Are you sure you're not just saying this because you're buzzed rn?" She would deny, but part of me feels it was just that.
Some arguments happened because I would get jealous of her speaking to other people, and sending them nudes, etc. She would also hate when I would talk about me talking to other girls. She did not want to hear it. Some days she seemed jealous, other days she wasn't bothered if I had other girls. I don't know how that works for someone who is poly. I've been trying to understand the world of poly, but I can't seem to, unfortunately.
She was pretty new to poly when I met her; before her current boyfriend, she was with an abusive husband for 18 years, who controlled her. I think that's what made her lean into poly, because she has full control over whatever she does now.
There were a few red flags along the road. She seemed to intentionally hurt me a few times, knowing how upset it made me. She would act oblivious and uncaring. Then if I expressed the hurt it made me feel, she would bring up her ex, how she's heard much worse from him and compare me to him. It was gaslighting and manipulation. She would then give a phony "I'm sorry," but never really seem to mean it.
For the last 2-3 months she started to act differently towards me, wasn't sending me selfies and videos like before, less nudes... She wouldn't send them spontaneously anymore, and would even avoid when asked. She wasn't sharing songs with me or anything like before, barely initiated the convos, had less enthusiasm and wasn't all that lovey with me. She began to stop saying I love you first. (SHE USED TO SEND MULTIPLE VIDEOS OF HER SAYING IT. It started to feel like she was just saying it with no meaning attached to it, like it was a fun thing for her).
Anyway, I felt the vibe and energy change, and every time I questioned her about it she would be so nonchalant and gaslight me into thinking it hadn't changed. It made me feel crazy. She always had excuses, which i would respect. But something was definitely off. I realised it was because she had started talking to another girl, a girl who lives in her state. That is when the energy changed.
Skip to now, we argued just after Christmas because I was trying to engage sexually with her because it had been a while, and she kept avoiding with jokes and would give me false hope about how she was going to do something, but never did. At this point she hadn't sent me nudes for over a week and she told me that she had sent other people them. That broke me. I said she's "just a whore" out of anger and how she doesn't love me anymore and that someone's replaced me, I can feel it. Every time I said these things she wouldn't deny anything, and it only made me feel worse. I cried so much. She became so cold and said "I would" when I said "You would just carry on sexting them anyway". She had no care for how I felt. I stopped talking to her for a few days. Her snapchat score of course carried on going up and up, a lot.
Skip to a few days ago, I messaged her. She kept leaving me on seen. I apologised for what I called her. She was very upset with it, it hurt her a lot. (Her ex always used to call her that.) I felt very bad... but at the same time, it feels true because of how promiscuous she is. I wanted an apology from her because the other day she said, "I'm sorry you feel that way," as I was really hurting because of her behaviour towards me. I said that isn't even an apology, it's what narcissists say, and it's a form of manipulation! She did not care. (I think she's learned a lot of these traits from her ex.)
After me wanting things to go back normal and her not showing me any form of love or affection, she revealed to me that she was going to be staying with that girl she'd been talking to since October...a day before she's going there?! She then says they are dating.
My heart shattered. I had a panic attack. My gut was right all along. That's why she hasn't been into me anymore. She stopped saving my selfies to chat like we'd both always done. She never complimented me anymore or made me feel good about myself. She just love-bombed and discarded me.
I asked why didn't she tell me all this time and she came up with a lame excuse about how upset I've been with my ex best friend, so she obviously didn't want to hurt me even more. BUT this was happening even before my friend issues. All she did was use me and abandon me when something better came along. During all of this and me being so upset, spilling my heart out with paragraphs, she was the most nonchalant disinterested person ever. She only sent me a single sentence or a few words to each thing. She didn't take ANY of it in and was only responding selectively. I wanted reassurance, i wanted SOMETHING that would make me feel better. She gave me nothing.
I said "You didn't save my selfie because you don't find me attractive anymore," and she didn't deny it. I was practically begging her to just be straight up and ADMIT and tell me she's not into me anymore. I don't know why she just couldn't do that! She left me hanging there with false hope and slow replyies to me as I'm overthinking and breaking down. It was like i was speaking to a brick wall! It hurt like nothing else I have experienced before.
She told me she does love me, but why won't she say what changed?! She said this is a bad time of year for her, she gets seasonal depression and is stressed about money, etc. But how does that equate to not showing me the same love and attention she once did? Because this new girl is getting all of that! How is that even fair? Nothing ever gets resolved with her because she shuts down and stonewalls me and then it's always me having to say sorry.
I am truly heartbroken. I never thought I was going to get this attached to her. I never want to be attached to anyone else ever again. She knew how broken I already was from my past. She promised me she'd never hurt me and that i could trust her. She was my safe space :'(
I uninstalled Snapchat so we can't speak anymore, because it only breaks me more. Knowing that she's now staying with this girl she's known for less than me really kills me. I thought poly people are supposed to show everyone the same amount of love and attention and have no favourites? I was replaced and it fucking kills me. That has always been my biggest fear. I was played, betrayed and lied to. It wouldn't have hit me so hard if she was just straight up and honest with me and told me from the get go, instead of stringing me along, completely oblivious, as I tell her how much I love her and want her. I really don't know if i can heal and move on from her. I feel so in love with the image she portrayed herself to be (as well as my own delusions).
I feel so humiliated.She was the only person I spoke to daily. I'm incredibly lonely and now i am even worse off. i wish i never accepted her add in the first place. 4-5 months of my life was wasted. She meant more to me than what I did to her. She isn't going to miss me, I will be the one missing her and that is the sad truth. She got bored of me. It was clear as day.
I'm sorry for how long this is, it's felt good to vent this all out. If you've somehow read all of this, thank you so much for taking the time to. I know I have been toxic myself in this. I'm not saying everything has been her fault. But I need to know if her treatment towards me was normal...
Edit: Here is part of the conversation we had before I went no contact: (swipe)
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but from what I've known of her online, she doesn't seem like a narcissist.
