Mono Husband trying to be understanding

vinsanity0

Active member
When you say it's not her fault do you mean it's your fault for letting her control who you date? It's not surprising you don't feel good about all this.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Spitfire gave me her blessing to go "all the way" if I felt the situation called for it. A: I don't fuck on the first date. B: Now I feel guilty because I'm still not ready for her to even kiss another guy.


You don't have to fuck on the first date.

It's not really up to you how she shares her body. When she shares hugs, kisses, sex, etc with a new partner. If she dates men, women, etc. You can make agreements to practice safer sex. You expect that sooner or later she will date someone she wants to be lovers with.

Just like it's not really up to her how you share your body. If you date men, women, etc. You can agree to practice safer sex. And she can expect that sooner or later you will date someone that you want to be lovers with.

It's not like SURPRISE right? That people share love and share sex with their other partners in polyamory it?

Both of you will be comfortable with some things at the start. Both of you will not be comfortable with other things at the start. It is what it is.

So now I find myself in this position where I'm not talking to anyone, and I'm watching Spitfire juggle conversation with 3 or 4 guys and a couple of women. I'm jealous of her success. Did you know that with OKCupid the program only counts likes up to 100. Then it goes to 100+. I have 12. I knew that as a woman she would have way better success but come on! Also she showed me a guy that had just started talking to her. It was a guy that I had liked a week earlier. Getting a little more jealous.

Maybe you guys share LESS about your dating progress? Cuz right now hearing so much leads to envy.

Have you talked about when something is "newsworthy?" Esp if she's online dating lots, do you want to hear about eeeevery little thing? Or just tell you if it's changed from "dating potential" to something more?

Just a bit of a rant... she not comfortable with me dating females, limiting me to the small percentage of men that are gay/bi/pan, and then proceeds to fish out of the same pool. Grrrrrr. I know that's not her fault but it's annoying as hell.

Well the guy was interested in both of you. It happens.

But if it bugs you not to also date women? Give her the heads up that you plan to expand your dating pool and then start dating women too.

On a good note, things have never been better between me and Spitfire. We have really good talks almost everyday. Our sex life has spiked. The kids are happier because we're happier. I've lost 12 pounds already and now I've added running to my workouts. I feel good physically.

Glad to hear it!


Life would be great except for the jealousy and the bleak outlook on my poly life keeps dragging down my mood.

A) Stop hearing so much about her dating stuff. Esp if it sparks envy feelings.

B) Start dating women too to increase your dating pool. Expect her to deal with her discomforting things watching you date. Just as you deal with your discomforting things watching her date.

You are going to learn things about each other as both date other people.

Like you learned she's ok with sex on a first date. You aren't. And that's ok to be different than each other. You are not the same person. You are each individuals. Who also happen to be a couple with kids.

Galagirl
 
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BrokenArrow

Member
I feel like I need to explain the nature of my relationship a little better.

Spitfire and I are new to this and taking things slowly. We love each other very much. We want to maintain a healthy relationship and a good environment for our children. In the spirit of that, we are doing our best to respect the difficulties that we're each facing and not throw them in each others faces. Treading all over each others feelings doesn't seem like a great way to ease into things. Going slow has given us both the opportunity to let go of a lot of our hangups, but there are still a few issues we're working out. Obviously.

I understand and can respect that some people go a different way here. That's cool. I get that people won't always relate to what I've got going on but do please try to understand where I'm coming from.

GalaGirl:
It's not about controlling each other's bodies. It's about letting the other person know what actions will cause you emotional pain right now and working together toward getting over that so we can move forward. We both have a lot to unpack and a lifetime of societal brainwashing to unravel. I don't want to control her, but I also don't want to let her walk all over my feelings and leave me all fucked up.
Likewise she does not want me to do that to her nor would I want to. There's something to be said for ripping a band-aid off but it's better to let the wound heal first.
You're probably right about me knowing too much about these guys but I find that the more I hear about them and how she feels about each one the more comfortable I feel about them being with her. For now that's just how I'm wired.
Well the guy was interested in both of you. It happens.
The guy was not interested in me. Just Spitfire. I'm just being a jealous loser.


And that's it. I think I've spoken to the current status of my relationship a little better. I hope that makes the snapshot a little clearer for all of you.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Vinsanity:
Sorry I missed replying to you but I think my above reply explains my feelings on it. I appreciate your concern though. Thanks for taking my interests into consideration!
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Moving day

Taking this thing over to the "Life stories and blogs" section. I'm hoping that there are people seeing this who maybe found some comfort in reading about someone going through the same thing they are. If you're still reading and haven't lost heart after finding I made the switch to poly, hang in there. I'll randomly update on where I'm at and how things are going. Hopefully it won't end with my marriage falling apart and my whole life collapsing around me. Guess we'll just have to stay tuned (myself included).

"Mono Couple becomes Poly Couple"
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=462435#post462435
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
It's not about controlling each other's bodies. It's about letting the other person know what actions will cause you emotional pain right now and working together toward getting over that so we can move forward. We both have a lot to unpack and a lifetime of societal brainwashing to unravel. I don't want to control her, but I also don't want to let her walk all over my feelings and leave me all fucked up. Likewise she does not want me to do that to her nor would I want to.

Certainly. But these... call them "stepping stone" agreements... if they are causing you more pain? Then maybe renegotiate. At least "this is the stepping stone agreement for 3 mos, 6 mos." Whatever timeframe, but a timeframe.

Then even if it stinks to have a smaller dating pool right now, you can remind yourself you are doing it so you aren't rubbing anything in her face and it DOES come to an end where you do get to date more people. YKWIM?

Then you make the next set of "stepping stone" agreements for the next period of time. Maybe this helps you.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/14_steps_to_opening_a_relationship.pdf

I will try to read you on your blog thread. I hope over time things pan out.

Galagirl
 
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BrokenArrow

Member
you can remind yourself you are doing it so you aren't rubbing anything in her face and it DOES come to an end where you do get to date more people.

Good point! I can look at it as my noble sacrifice. lol
While that is amusing it does actually make me feel better about it.
 
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