vinsanity0
Active member
When you say it's not her fault do you mean it's your fault for letting her control who you date? It's not surprising you don't feel good about all this.
You don't have to fuck on the first date.Spitfire gave me her blessing to go "all the way" if I felt the situation called for it. A: I don't fuck on the first date. B: Now I feel guilty because I'm still not ready for her to even kiss another guy.
So now I find myself in this position where I'm not talking to anyone, and I'm watching Spitfire juggle conversations with three or four guys and a couple of women. I'm jealous of her success. Did you know that with OKCupid the program only counts likes up to 100, then it goes to 100+? I have 12. I knew that as a woman she would have way better success, but come on! Also, she showed me a guy that had just started talking to her. It was a guy that I had liked a week earlier. I'm getting a little more jealous.
She not comfortable with me dating females, limiting me to the small percentage of men that are gay/bi/pan, and then proceeds to fish out of the same pool. Grrrrrr. I know that's not her fault, but it's annoying as hell.
On a good note, things have never been better between me and Spitfire. We have really good talks almost every day. Our sex life has spiked. The kids are happier because we're happier. I've lost 12 pounds already and now I've added running to my workouts. I feel good physically.
Life would be great except for the jealousy and how the bleak outlook on my poly life keeps dragging down my mood.
The guy was not interested in me. Just Spitfire. I'm just being a jealous loser.Well the guy was interested in both of you. It happens.
It's not about controlling each other's bodies. It's about letting the other person know what actions will cause you emotional pain right now and working together toward getting over that so we can move forward. We both have a lot to unpack and a lifetime of societal brainwashing to unravel. I don't want to control her, but I also don't want to let her walk all over my feelings and leave me all fucked up. Likewise she does not want me to do that to her nor would I want to.
you can remind yourself you are doing it so you aren't rubbing anything in her face and it DOES come to an end where you do get to date more people.
This must be told to all potential partners, as they have a right to not engage in this type of relationship. I would never get involved with someone with this rule. People are not disposable.Condition 2: A Sunset Date. Make it very clear that this is not a permanent lifestyle change. This a testing of the waters or an experiment to the change in your relationship. Agree on a date when the experiment ends
Hell NO! a partner should NEVER be responsible for finding partners for their other partner. You need to take responsibility for meeting and connecting on your own. Nor should you have an equality policy where one can’t date unless the other has a date. If you need these things, then you have way more personal work to be doing than spending time dating. These are big red flags that poly people will run from. Humans are not things to be played with or manipulated.Condition 4: Your SO will have to be proactive in helping you find partners
Hiring a prostitute is between you and your partner. It's NOT polyamory. But having your partner FUND your tryst with a prostitute is beyond sickening. Now you are just doing a prostitution ring where your partner needs to charge her partners (not poly) so you can pay yours. So many things wrong with that.You may ask your SO to contribute to a “sex jar” where, if the SO is having lots of sex, she could put $50 or $100 into the jar for every encounter she has, and you use the money for an escort
This is a risk of poly. It usually stems from an original relationship that was not as solid as the people in it thought. You need to work on your relationship. Relationships fail because they aren't healthy or solid or fulfilling, not because someone is introduced. Note that introducing someone just makes it more clear to one partner that it wasn't working but it isn't the actual cause.Condition 6: your relationship with SO is primary. I noticed a change in our sex life after we started P/O/R, and it wasn’t for the better for me. The years before we started, we experimented and explored our sexuality together. About a month into it, the sex with my SO was vanilla. She had no interest in doing any of the kinky sex I want. She absolutely didn’t want to do the nasty sex she’d been doing with her partners. It was clear her sexual needs and those of her partners were being prioritized above mine and that should not happen
It sounds like she wasn't happy in the relationship, or was full of NRE and neglected you and your relationship, or is monogamous and fell in love with someone else, which resulted in the unfortunate falling out of love with you. Only being in love with more than one person at a time is the sure way to know you are poly.Also, the times when she was home with me, she never showed any extra attention or joy of being back with me. I knew for a while, but didn’t want to acknowledge it, that my SO compartmentalized my role in our P/O/R. I was there to only be her safe and secure home, which was not the expectations she or I voiced in the beginning. I did my best to communicate these feelings and how the changes in our relationship were affecting me. But part of communication is also hearing, and my SO didn't want to hear it.
Then accept that it will not go the way you want or expect, and ask if you are skilled enough to negotiate any pitfall that comes up.What are the expectations and result?
Again, poly is having relationships with actual people. You might not get your fantasies fulfilled. This is not your partner's problem. You are better looking on Fetlife for that, as opposed to doing poly.rather, my expectation of having some of my sexual fantasies not being fulfilled.
For anything beyond conditions regarding safety, you should question entering poly to begin with. Being poly is about autonomy, not control. If you feel the need to control the situation, or your partner, DO NOT BECOME POLYAMOROUS! Feeling the need to control your partner in any way is unhealthy and can be abusive. I'd recommend counseling to find out why you feel that need.Below is a list of conditions that need to be included in your discussion if you are going to start a poly/open relationship.
No worries. Not like this thread was in it's prime. In case you didn't read this through into the next thread, let me drop a few spoilers....This post was back in 2020, and in 2022 my wife came out to me as poly after an emotional affair. This is all new to me the world. I took the time to read this post. There are advice from the moderator that does resonate with me. Clearly, I am not male, but I am solitude.. hold a lot of feelings inside. I've been studying Polysecure to understand attachment styles.. I definitely lean to dismissive and fear-avoidant and some not much preoccupied behaviors. Depending on the context for each. I do feel like contributed to my wife coming out as poly. She needs so much attention that I can not provide. I am trying to lean into her seeing other people, but I struggle with the amorous part. I really don't want my wife to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and sleep overs. Sorry.. I made this post about me..![]()
I'm so sorry to hear. I appreciate the post. We, well, she is looking into a Poly-therapist. I think it will be more of her giving up something and it won't be good for her to try and give up who she is if poly is really what she wants. It would be like my mom forcing me into a hetero relationship when I know I am 95% gay. So I am trying to understand my wife from that perspective. It's hard.No worries. Not like this thread was in it's prime. In case you didn't read this through into the next thread, let me drop a few spoilers....
My whole marriage went off the rails, things got real ugly, long drawn out divorce, and now every couple of weeks I get long texted wild personal attacks from someone I wish I could completely cut out of my life.
If you don't have a therapist, I recommend getting one to help you work through all those feelings you're holding inside.