Mono Husband trying to be understanding

When you say it's not her fault do you mean it's your fault for letting her control who you date? It's not surprising you don't feel good about all this.
 
Spitfire gave me her blessing to go "all the way" if I felt the situation called for it. A: I don't fuck on the first date. B: Now I feel guilty because I'm still not ready for her to even kiss another guy.


You don't have to fuck on the first date.

It's not really up to you how she shares her body. When she shares hugs, kisses, sex, etc with a new partner. If she dates men, women, etc. You can make agreements to practice safer sex. You expect that sooner or later she will date someone she wants to be lovers with.

Just like it's not really up to her how you share your body. If you date men, women, etc. You can agree to practice safer sex. And she can expect that sooner or later you will date someone that you want to be lovers with.

It's not like SURPRISE right? That people share love and share sex with their other partners in polyamory it?

Both of you will be comfortable with some things at the start. Both of you will not be comfortable with other things at the start. It is what it is.

So now I find myself in this position where I'm not talking to anyone, and I'm watching Spitfire juggle conversation with 3 or 4 guys and a couple of women. I'm jealous of her success. Did you know that with OKCupid the program only counts likes up to 100. Then it goes to 100+. I have 12. I knew that as a woman she would have way better success but come on! Also she showed me a guy that had just started talking to her. It was a guy that I had liked a week earlier. Getting a little more jealous.

Maybe you guys share LESS about your dating progress? Cuz right now hearing so much leads to envy.

Have you talked about when something is "newsworthy?" Esp if she's online dating lots, do you want to hear about eeeevery little thing? Or just tell you if it's changed from "dating potential" to something more?

Just a bit of a rant... she not comfortable with me dating females, limiting me to the small percentage of men that are gay/bi/pan, and then proceeds to fish out of the same pool. Grrrrrr. I know that's not her fault but it's annoying as hell.

Well the guy was interested in both of you. It happens.

But if it bugs you not to also date women? Give her the heads up that you plan to expand your dating pool and then start dating women too.

On a good note, things have never been better between me and Spitfire. We have really good talks almost everyday. Our sex life has spiked. The kids are happier because we're happier. I've lost 12 pounds already and now I've added running to my workouts. I feel good physically.

Glad to hear it!


Life would be great except for the jealousy and the bleak outlook on my poly life keeps dragging down my mood.

A) Stop hearing so much about her dating stuff. Esp if it sparks envy feelings.

B) Start dating women too to increase your dating pool. Expect her to deal with her discomforting things watching you date. Just as you deal with your discomforting things watching her date.

You are going to learn things about each other as both date other people.

Like you learned she's ok with sex on a first date. You aren't. And that's ok to be different than each other. You are not the same person. You are each individuals. Who also happen to be a couple with kids.

Galagirl
 
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I feel like I need to explain the nature of my relationship a little better.

Spitfire and I are new to this and taking things slowly. We love each other very much. We want to maintain a healthy relationship and a good environment for our children. In the spirit of that, we are doing our best to respect the difficulties that we're each facing and not throw them in each others faces. Treading all over each others feelings doesn't seem like a great way to ease into things. Going slow has given us both the opportunity to let go of a lot of our hangups, but there are still a few issues we're working out. Obviously.

I understand and can respect that some people go a different way here. That's cool. I get that people won't always relate to what I've got going on but do please try to understand where I'm coming from.

GalaGirl:
It's not about controlling each other's bodies. It's about letting the other person know what actions will cause you emotional pain right now and working together toward getting over that so we can move forward. We both have a lot to unpack and a lifetime of societal brainwashing to unravel. I don't want to control her, but I also don't want to let her walk all over my feelings and leave me all fucked up.
Likewise she does not want me to do that to her nor would I want to. There's something to be said for ripping a band-aid off but it's better to let the wound heal first.
You're probably right about me knowing too much about these guys but I find that the more I hear about them and how she feels about each one the more comfortable I feel about them being with her. For now that's just how I'm wired.
Well the guy was interested in both of you. It happens.
The guy was not interested in me. Just Spitfire. I'm just being a jealous loser.


And that's it. I think I've spoken to the current status of my relationship a little better. I hope that makes the snapshot a little clearer for all of you.
 
Vinsanity:
Sorry I missed replying to you but I think my above reply explains my feelings on it. I appreciate your concern though. Thanks for taking my interests into consideration!
 
Moving day

Taking this thing over to the "Life stories and blogs" section. I'm hoping that there are people seeing this who maybe found some comfort in reading about someone going through the same thing they are. If you're still reading and haven't lost heart after finding I made the switch to poly, hang in there. I'll randomly update on where I'm at and how things are going. Hopefully it won't end with my marriage falling apart and my whole life collapsing around me. Guess we'll just have to stay tuned (myself included).

"Mono Couple becomes Poly Couple"
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=462435#post462435
 
It's not about controlling each other's bodies. It's about letting the other person know what actions will cause you emotional pain right now and working together toward getting over that so we can move forward. We both have a lot to unpack and a lifetime of societal brainwashing to unravel. I don't want to control her, but I also don't want to let her walk all over my feelings and leave me all fucked up. Likewise she does not want me to do that to her nor would I want to.

Certainly. But these... call them "stepping stone" agreements... if they are causing you more pain? Then maybe renegotiate. At least "this is the stepping stone agreement for 3 mos, 6 mos." Whatever timeframe, but a timeframe.

Then even if it stinks to have a smaller dating pool right now, you can remind yourself you are doing it so you aren't rubbing anything in her face and it DOES come to an end where you do get to date more people. YKWIM?

Then you make the next set of "stepping stone" agreements for the next period of time. Maybe this helps you.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/14_steps_to_opening_a_relationship.pdf

I will try to read you on your blog thread. I hope over time things pan out.

Galagirl
 
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you can remind yourself you are doing it so you aren't rubbing anything in her face and it DOES come to an end where you do get to date more people.

Good point! I can look at it as my noble sacrifice. lol
While that is amusing it does actually make me feel better about it.
 
Hi there BrokenArrow,

I know this post is a few years late, but I know what you are going through as I went through the same, as well. The problem with these sites, books, and relationship experts/therapists is that none of them know how to address the real and inevitable imbalance that will come with a open/poly relationship. If I knew a year earlier what I knew now, I would have been more assertive when it comes to articulating my boundaries, my expectations of her and me and, what I want out of the change in our relationship. So this post is to help future people who feel reluctant to enter into an poly/open relationship and give them the tools to navigate.

The truth is, most experts keep saying, “have open communication." I do support having open and honest communication, but that statement is too broad and not very specific. So, first thing, when you both are discussing it, you find out what/why the SO feels is important to be in a P/O/R. What about P/O/R will fulfill their needs that can’t be achieved by you? What are the expectations and result?

I would also express my fear of a relationship imbalance. For example, I knew she was going to have way more partners then me. I’m not a jealous person and did want to see her fulfilled and happy, But I’m realistic and know men will struggle to find partners. The inevitable frustration will come, not because she had more sex than me, but rather, my expectation of having some of my sexual fantasies not being fulfilled. If it’s sex, companionship, intimacy or kinkiness you want in the P/O/R, but only your SO is getting it, that’s an imbalance. Talk about boundaries from both sides. For example, safe sex is paramount. Set some conditions. Below is a list of conditions that need to be included in your discussion if you are going to start a poly/open relationship.

Condition 1: Only one violation of boundaries/limits is allowed, and then the experiment is over. For example, early in my P/O/R, it was clear I was struggling to find dates, while my SO had already had many encounters. Because I didn’t want to end the joy and happiness my SO was having, I did my best to be supportive of her. I tried to be patient. Being a good sport, I even roleplayed as a cuckold to my SO. The roleplay was fun at first, but got old very fast. The violation happened when my SO was telling me about all her lovers. A few partners of hers in particular, she was not on birth control when she had sex with them. She told me she had unprotected sex and allowed them to ejaculate inside her. She wanted to feel the fear of getting pregnant. I exploded the moment she said that. She immediately changed her story to say it was made up and she said it to get me to feel insecure, as that’s how a cuckold should feel. Again, part of me didn’t want to be the one to stifle her exploration. But in the back of my mind, I knew there was truth to the violation.

Condition 2: A Sunset Date. Make it very clear that this is not a permanent lifestyle change. This a testing of the waters or an experiment to the change in your relationship. Agree on a date when the experiment ends, and a cooldown time period to go back to how the relationship originally was. During the cooldown stage, you discuss what worked, what didn’t work, changes if you want to continue, end the experiment or end the relationship. If I knew than, I would have told my SO that I didn’t want to continue this arrangement, but if she wanted to, she could do it without me. Having a Sunset Date forces all parties to come to the table and talk. If your SO already has what she wants, there’s never going to be honest and meaningful communication. In an imbalanced relationship, the one with the most leverage will placate and dismiss as their way of communicating.

Condition 3: Yellow flag warning. At the start, your SO may or may not hit the ground running. The speed and success of your SO can be disheartening for you. After two or three months have passed, and frustration sets in, maybe it’s a good time to throw up a yellow flag, to make very clear to your SO your feelings of displeasure. This is very important when your SO is moving fast and having lots of fun. They can forget, neglect, or not fully acknowledge your feelings. You might feel like you are hindering SO's happiness, but your feelings are just as important. This is an important tool for communication., Don't be afraid to use it.

Condition 4: Your SO will have to be proactive in helping you find partners. As weird as this may sound, if your SO wants this to work and be successful. the SO is going to have to do some work. For example, there is nothing better than an endorsement or stamp of approval from another woman. Your female SO will have to be your wingman. You two can go to a singles bar. SO helps break the ice with other women by dropping messages that this man was an old lover, and the best partner second only to her husband. SO is in an open marriage. SO is looking for a different partner, but this man would be a great hook up for you.

Condition 5: Escort. If you are struggling to find a partner, but not looking for a relationship and just wanting to fulfill kinky sex, hiring an escort should be an option. However, kinky sex can be expensive. This suggestion maybe be unsavory, but try to be open minded. You may ask your SO to contribute to a “sex jar” where, if the SO is having lots of sex, she could put $50 or $100 into the jar for every encounter she has, and you use the money for an escort.

Condition 6: your relationship with SO is primary. I noticed a change in our sex life after we started P/O/R, and it wasn’t for the better for me. The years before we started, we experimented and explored our sexuality together. About a month into it, the sex with my SO was vanilla. She had no interest in doing any of the kinky sex I want. She absolutely didn’t want to do the nasty sex she’d been doing with her partners. It was clear her sexual needs and those of her partners were being prioritized above mine and that should not happen.

Another example, my SO was gone at least one day a week, sometimes two or three, and once a whole week. Adding up, she was absent from my life for about four months. I consider myself an independent person, and never obsessed over her absence. But her absence was not work-related, nor was there an emergency. If I knew to use a yellow flag warning, this would have been a good reason to do it.

Also, the times when she was home with me, she never showed any extra attention or joy of being back with me. I knew for a while, but didn’t want to acknowledge it, that my SO compartmentalized my role in our P/O/R. I was there to only be her safe and secure home, which was not the expectations she or I voiced in the beginning. I did my best to communicate these feelings and how the changes in our relationship were affecting me. But part of communication is also hearing, and my SO didn't want to hear it.
 
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Condition 2: A Sunset Date. Make it very clear that this is not a permanent lifestyle change. This a testing of the waters or an experiment to the change in your relationship. Agree on a date when the experiment ends
This must be told to all potential partners, as they have a right to not engage in this type of relationship. I would never get involved with someone with this rule. People are not disposable.

Condition 4: Your SO will have to be proactive in helping you find partners
Hell NO! a partner should NEVER be responsible for finding partners for their other partner. You need to take responsibility for meeting and connecting on your own. Nor should you have an equality policy where one can’t date unless the other has a date. If you need these things, then you have way more personal work to be doing than spending time dating. These are big red flags that poly people will run from. Humans are not things to be played with or manipulated.

You may ask your SO to contribute to a “sex jar” where, if the SO is having lots of sex, she could put $50 or $100 into the jar for every encounter she has, and you use the money for an escort
Hiring a prostitute is between you and your partner. It's NOT polyamory. But having your partner FUND your tryst with a prostitute is beyond sickening. Now you are just doing a prostitution ring where your partner needs to charge her partners (not poly) so you can pay yours. So many things wrong with that.


Condition 6: your relationship with SO is primary. I noticed a change in our sex life after we started P/O/R, and it wasn’t for the better for me. The years before we started, we experimented and explored our sexuality together. About a month into it, the sex with my SO was vanilla. She had no interest in doing any of the kinky sex I want. She absolutely didn’t want to do the nasty sex she’d been doing with her partners. It was clear her sexual needs and those of her partners were being prioritized above mine and that should not happen
This is a risk of poly. It usually stems from an original relationship that was not as solid as the people in it thought. You need to work on your relationship. Relationships fail because they aren't healthy or solid or fulfilling, not because someone is introduced. Note that introducing someone just makes it more clear to one partner that it wasn't working but it isn't the actual cause.

Also, the times when she was home with me, she never showed any extra attention or joy of being back with me. I knew for a while, but didn’t want to acknowledge it, that my SO compartmentalized my role in our P/O/R. I was there to only be her safe and secure home, which was not the expectations she or I voiced in the beginning. I did my best to communicate these feelings and how the changes in our relationship were affecting me. But part of communication is also hearing, and my SO didn't want to hear it.
It sounds like she wasn't happy in the relationship, or was full of NRE and neglected you and your relationship, or is monogamous and fell in love with someone else, which resulted in the unfortunate falling out of love with you. Only being in love with more than one person at a time is the sure way to know you are poly.

It sounds like you had a horrible experience in poly. It's also possible you both jumped into poly without lots of research, education, or poly therapy, which is a very common mistake of couples. So many think it's as easy as just starting to date and that they can quit it as soon as someone is unhappy. It just doesn't work that way. Poly takes a TON of personal work, partner work, and education that is ongoing, to be successful at it.

What are the expectations and result?
Then accept that it will not go the way you want or expect, and ask if you are skilled enough to negotiate any pitfall that comes up.

rather, my expectation of having some of my sexual fantasies not being fulfilled.
Again, poly is having relationships with actual people. You might not get your fantasies fulfilled. This is not your partner's problem. You are better looking on Fetlife for that, as opposed to doing poly.

Below is a list of conditions that need to be included in your discussion if you are going to start a poly/open relationship.
For anything beyond conditions regarding safety, you should question entering poly to begin with. Being poly is about autonomy, not control. If you feel the need to control the situation, or your partner, DO NOT BECOME POLYAMOROUS! Feeling the need to control your partner in any way is unhealthy and can be abusive. I'd recommend counseling to find out why you feel that need.
 
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