Mono Husband With Poly Wife

LovingNom

New member
Hello,
I am not sure if I am even Mono or not but I know that, I want to talk to the Poly community about my Wife of 11 years finding someone she wants to have a relationship with other than me. I am having some difficulties emotionally and mentally, however, all I want to do is make her happy. Where do I start and where do I go, she is asking me if I am fine with it and my first direct answer after a lot of thinking was no, but I see how much that hurt her and it made me rethink my views on this and want to talk to someone about it other then reading and dwelling. She said she is fine with my "No" answer but I just that the look of hurt on her face, so how do I fix this and go forward. I am looking to speak with a therapist but the wait time is 6 months on that. She is my entire world and I just want her to be happy.

Sorry, I am just spewing this all out there. I am a bad person cause I feel like one....
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You are not a bad person. I could be wrong in my guess. But to me it sounds like you are simply experiencing a tough thing. Like you don't want to break up, but you don't want to be doing this poly thing she wants. But you want to make her happy. But you want to be happy too and not sure doing this is happy for you.

Like you are in this tough crossroads place where all the things cannot be. So... you are going to have to answer to your highest value then. Because you cannot have it all.

Where do I start and where do I go, she is asking me if I am fine with it and my first direct answer after a lot of thinking was no,

Being honest is good. At this point in time? No. You are not ok with it.

but I see how much that hurt her and it made me rethink my views on this and want to talk to someone about it other then reading and dwelling.

You don't mention what YOU want in your romantic relationships.

She said she is fine with my "No" answer but I just that the look of hurt on her face, so how do I fix this and go forward.

What is there to fix? If she's disappointed that you don't want to go there, but she respects your no?

It's ok for her to be sad about it for a while and do her emotional management around that.

Maybe there's a middle place where you work to become more open to hearing about her poly thoughts and feelings so she doesn't go around bottled up. It becomes a bit more open for her. But it stays just you and her so it is closed enough for you.

I am looking to speak with a therapist but the wait time is 6 months on that.

I don't know if this helps you any to find another one with a sooner opening.



She is my entire world and I just want her to be happy.

Well... what do you want for your happiness?

If this is a crossroads place in the marriage where you prefer monogamy and she want to explore poly? Then the most loving thing you can do for BOTH might be to consider letting go of the marriage so you can save the people.

Then she can be free TO pursue poly things she wants. And you can be free FROM poly things you do not want.

I suggest you do your soul searching. I don't think it's a healthy thing if you choose subsume yourself to the relationship. Like she's happy doing poly and then you wind up miserable doing it because deep down, you didn't really want to be doing it. You were just doing it "to make her happy" or "save the marriage" or "avoid a break up."

YKWIM? If she loves you, she's not going to want you hurting yourself like that. Self neglect is not good.

You have to be able to say "I love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me." So tread with caution here. It's ok to do the work of serious consideration. But if after all the consideration you still land on "No. I really don't want to be doing that" -- DON'T DO POLY. Be super honest with yourself and with her.

Galagirl
 
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LovingNom

New member
You are not a bad person. I could be wrong in my guess. But to me it sounds like you are simply experiencing a tough thing. Like you don't want to break up, but you don't want to be doing this poly thing she wants. But you want to make her happy. But you want to be happy too and not sure doing this is happy for you.

Like you are in this tough crossroads place where all the things cannot be. So... you are going to have to answer to your highest value then. Because you cannot have it all.



Being honest is good. At this point in time? No. You are not ok with it.



You don't mention what YOU want in your romantic relationships.



What is there to fix? If she's disappointed that you don't want to go there, but she respects your no?

It's ok for her to be sad about it for a while and do her emotional management around that.

Maybe there's a middle place where you work to become more open to hearing about her poly thoughts and feelings so she doesn't go around bottled up. It becomes a bit more open for her. But it stays just you and her so it is closed enough for you.



I don't know if this helps you any to find another one with a sooner opening.





Well... what do you want for your happiness?

If this is a crossroads place in the marriage where you prefer monogamy and she want to explore poly? Then the most loving thing you can do for BOTH might be to consider letting go of the marriage so you can save the people.

Then she can be free TO pursue poly things she wants. And you can be free FROM poly things you do not want.

I suggest you do your soul searching. I don't think it's a healthy thing if you choose subsume yourself to the relationship. Like she's happy doing poly and then you wind up miserable doing it because deep down, you didn't really want to be doing it. You were just doing it "to make her happy" or "save the marriage" or "avoid a break up.

YKWIM? If she loves you, she's not going to want you hurting yourself like that.

You have to be able to say "I love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me." So tread with caution here. It's ok to do the work of serious consideration. But if after all the consideration you still land on "No. I really don't want to be doing that" -- DON'T DO POLY. Be super honest with yourself and with her.

Galagirl
Thank you for the response, I don't honestly know how I feel cause I keep flopping back and forth on it, She has been my only love in my life and I never actually explored who I am either so I am going to try and do some soul searching myself and see what I feel after talking about her feelings more and learning about her wants in the whole thing. Thank you for your input it helped me a lot with thinking about what to do and where we need to start.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings LovingNom,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I would estimate that you are about 10% poly, and about 90% mono. You have a slight thought that you may be able to stand poly, but mostly you do not want poly in your life -- and that's okay. Poly is not for everyone.

Now the 10% polyness may be enough to allow you to be happy for your wife being poly; however, it will not be easy. You may end up with a mono/poly situation, where you are mono, and she is poly. That is possible, that can happen. Or you may end up with a poly/poly situation, but right at this moment you can only stand a mono/mono situation. You just don't want her to be hurt, you want her to be happy.

There's a few resources that might help you wrap your mind around poly. Have a look.
Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Decided to creep the boards and saw this. I also see it's been a few months. How are you doing Nom? Poly is rough when you aren't expecting it and suddenly there it is in your face. Been there. Also, with the therapist, keep calling and checking availability. People cancel appointments all the time. Check in like once a week and see if anything has freed up. You might just get lucky.
Anyway... hope you're doing well and taking things at a comfortable speed. Best of luck!
 
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