Mono Marriage Recently Transitioned - Wife Approaches New Relationships Differently..

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Drakkaras

New member
Hello all,

I've been a somewhat active poster around here for the last couple of months. I've received a lot of encouraging and honest feedback from the forum regarding my situation and I was hoping I could pose a different question to you all. If you want to know more about my situation than what I will share here, please take a look.

To sum it up, my wife and I (9 years in a mono relationship, with a few occurrences of casual sexual encounters, always together) recently transitioned into a polyamorous relationship. I have been pursuing a secondary relationship with another woman who is also married and we had been functioning as a quad for some time, which is all discussed in great detail in the thread linked above. My wife has been hot and cold with our "quad" and recently informed the other two people involved that she is not interested in furthering those relationships beyond friendship at the current time.

After all of that, my wife has started to explore other external relationships, outside of the friends we have made so far. She has joined dating websites, FetLife, and is generally "on the hunt". Logically, I completely agree that she should be afforded the same opportunities and freedoms I have been allowed in our relationship up to this point, but emotionally I am a little freaked out... She has a date planned this evening and I have not yet met the guy she is going out with. We discussed boundaries and previously had agreed that kissing would be a hard boundary for now (nothing beyond kissing), until we are able to open them up bit by bit. I tried to bring up my concerns about how I would be much more comfortable with the two of them spending time together and potentially being intimate if I could at least meet the guy, but she rebuffed my concerns and stated that she "needs to be able to find out if there is an attraction and that's (kissing) the only way to do it." I'm planning to meet the guy in a few days at a game night event so it's not a huge problem, but I guess I was just a little shocked that she wasn't willing to wait a few days even after I shared my discomfort...

It's becoming very clear that my wife and I have opposing approaches to practicing a poly lifestyle. She is excited by the idea of dating and exploring new people, of the chase and casual sexual interactions; I, on the other hand, am heavily invested in fostering an ongoing relationship with one other person who I am already very close with, I have no desire to seek other partners and definitely am not interested in meaningless casual sex (in my eyes, that's what it would be). These seem like diametrically opposed views and I am starting to worry that this may not be something we can work out... We are both highly communicative and have always been able to solve problems in our relationship, but this is entirely new to me.

I'm just hoping that some of you might have had a similar experience or were able to reconcile opposing views on poly relationships with your primary. Please feel free to respond with any insights, experiences, or suggestions you might have.

As always, your responses are much appreciated.

-Drakkaras
 
Drakkaras said:
please take a look.



After all of that, my wife has started to explore other external relationships, outside of the friends we have made so far. She has joined dating websites, FetLife, and is generally "on the hunt". Logically, I completely agree that she should be afforded the same opportunities and freedoms I have been allowed in our relationship up to this point, but emotionally I am a little freaked out... She has a date planned this evening and I have not yet met the guy she is going out with. We discussed boundaries and previously had agreed that kissing would be a hard boundary for now (nothing beyond kissing), until we are able to open them up bit by bit. I tried to bring up my concerns about how I would be much more comfortable with the two of them spending time together and potentially being intimate if I could at least meet the guy, but she rebuffed my concerns...
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I read your other thread as it developed, Drakkaras. I understand you've been mono but have "played together" casually from time to time. Now that your wife wants to play casually independently, you're freaking out. You want her to stay in your nice cosy quad-like thing so you can keep an eye on her.

Times, they are a-changing.

I am glad she rebuffed your request to meet this guy she is about to have a first date with, and also told you she has the right to kiss him if she wants. Meeting him could be superfluous if she just wants casual sex, or if he turns out to be a dud. Why do you need to spend the night sussing out a guy who might be a dud and history after the first date? In my experience, at least half the first dates I went on were also the last dates.

Maybe he and she will want you to meet him after she sees him another time or two. But sometimes metamours don't want to meet. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

It's becoming very clear that my wife and I have opposing approaches to practicing a poly lifestyle. She is excited by the idea of dating and exploring new people, of the chase and casual sexual interactions; I, on the other hand, am heavily invested in fostering an ongoing relationship with one other person who I am already very close with, I have no desire to seek other partners and definitely am not interested in meaningless casual sex (in my eyes, that's what it would be). These seem like diametrically opposed views and I am starting to worry that this may not be something we can work out... We are both highly communicative and have always been able to solve problems in our relationship, but this is entirely new to me.
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You seem to be expressing a very pessimistic attitude. You're also changing, you have a full on love affair going with another woman for the first time. Your wife hasn't found another serious partner yet, and is going to explore. Maybe after some time of casually dating, she will find a serious other partner. One can get tired of first dates and fucking strangers, after all. (I did.)

You say your communication is great! Awesome! Keep it up. But you will need to let go of your couple-centric attitude if you want to show respect for your wife (and her potential partners). And thinking of the sex she will have as "meaningless" is a bit demeaning right out of the box. It will have meaning for her after all. What is that meaning? Time will tell.

You love her. Give her some time to let this new phase unfold. Marriages evolve over time. If she is choosing partners often that you find sketchy or dangerous, address that. If she is not meeting your relationship needs if she has several dates with others each week, address that. If she wants to spend a weekend with a new guy and you aren't ready for that much separation, say so.

Meanwhile she has her fun with whoever, you have your different kind of fun with your gf and your slow advance of sexual intimacy (since her husband is requiring that, and you have both agreed to that).
 
Sounds like you're satisfied in your quad, but you've got to understand, your wife isn't. She's looking for something that fulfills HER the way the quad/your gf fulfills you.

Quite frankly, I'd NEVER agree to a first date with my potential lover AND my potential lover's significant other. You wouldn't bring the kids with you on a first date, or your mother. Why bring the spouse?
 
I am sorry you are struggling.

I am not sure if it helps any but to me it sounds like the problem isn't that you two have different personalities and different approaches. Some people share intimate things like hugs, kisses, sex, etc after they know the person. Some people share those things to GET TO KNOW the person. Different approaches. That just is what it is. People come with varying styles and personalities.

To me the core problem seems to be this:

I guess I was just a little shocked that she wasn't willing to wait a few days even after I shared my discomfort...
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You felt uncomfortable and needed to feel safe (?) -- perhaps wanted some empathy or reassurance she considers your feelings?

You suggested one way you thought of that could get that met -- to meet the dude first.

She said no, thanks. You were meeting the dude in a few days anyway. But then she did not offer reassurance in another way. Maybe because she thought you were talking about (meeting dude) and did not realize you were trying to talk about (core need stuff.) One of those "cannot see the forest for the trees" moments.

Because the core need (empathy/reassurance?) was not met yet, right now you feel out on an emotional limb.

How good are you at articulating needs to her?

Could you circle from the list what those needs might be? And then put forth one way to meet the need? And ask to hear her suggestions for meeting the need?

Because I can say "I need a blanket" but the core need is NOT blanket. The core need is "I feel cold. I need to be warmer so I can be comfortable. I want to solve it by getting a blanket." Maybe my spouse has no blanket, but we are going shopping for linens on the weekend. So that solves the blanket issue from his perspective -- Just hang on, and we'll buy me whichever one I want. He thinks the problem is "lack of blanket."

But that doesn't solve my need NOW for "warmth so I can feel comfortable." That is what the problem is to me. I have not explained my need well.

If we sit there going on about blankets we are not taking a step back to brainstorm about turning the AC warmer, taking a hot shower, drinking some tea, cuddling, etc. Which also could warm me up and meet my need to feel more comfortable NOW. Even without a blanket.

Are you able to see what I mean about articulating the core need?

If your core need is for your spouse to reassure and comfort you when you feel weird so you can feel safe enough? Talking about if/when you meet metas is not taking a step back to examine other ways that could get your need met.

I'd suggest you think about how you bring your needs up. Make sure you are articulating the core NEED first. Offer your suggestions for solving it and ask if she's got other ideas for solving it. Work it out. YKWIM? Don't get stuck on "blanket" but dig down to what the core need might be so you can brainstorm a selection of ways to solve it, and then you can pick out the best of the lot.

Maybe spend the next few days thinking it over and make a date to talk after her date with the dude. You get a time out to gather your thoughts together, she gets a time out to go have a first date.

Logically, I completely agree that she should be afforded the same opportunities and freedoms I have been allowed in our relationship up to this point, but emotionally I am a little freaked out
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Which is why I think your core need is about asking for her help to settle your ruffled emotions, and not exactly about meeting the dude. :eek:

You do not have to feel comfortable to be SAFE. Growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone -- we expand to make a new comfort zone. You guys are new to poly and experiencing growing pains. If you can keep them on the side of "Not exactly comfortable, but not killing me either" it should weather out and settle down in time.

It's normal to feel a little weird. The "old normal" is gone, the "new normal" is not entirely established here yet. The space in between feels shaky sometimes.

Maybe you wanted her to validate that -- that it is ok to feel a little weird, she's not going any where, she still loves you. You guys just have different styles. And that is ok.

Talk to each other about what feels "challenging but safe enough" and what feels "overwhelmed to the max."

Maybe some of these help you talk:
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Hope that helps!

Galagirl
 
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Hi Drakkaras,

It sounds like you're worried that you and your wife won't be able to work things out because you have differing styles of open/poly. But, considering that there are poly/mono couples who make their differing relationship models work together every day, you shouldn't have to panic. No two people are alike. People with all kinds of differences have been able to work with each other. You should take an optimistic view and have faith that you and your wife can work things out too.

It sounds like she wants her relationships to be more casual and compartmentalized. Consider that she is working out a compromise with you by having you meet whomever she's dating. The compromise you could work out is to let her have a few dates (and kisses) with any one person before having you meet that person. Give a little, take a little.

Give yourself some time to get used to her new mode of operation. It's all new to you right now, so it's no surprise if you feel like the earth has turned to jello beneath your feet. It will get easier.

You might want to consider seeing a poly-friendly therapist. Do it if this difference between you and your wife becomes a bigger and bigger problem for you. Everyone needs professional help from time to time.

Keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree with the others. I don't see the difference in your & your wife's approaches as incompatible. They're just differences. And while, it is tempting to want to meet your wife's dates before they actually date... there are a number of reasons why this won't work in the long-term.

Like others have said, the majority of 'first dates' don't develop into a relationship. Assuming she averages a date or two/week, that's a lot of 'pre-dates'! That's also a lot of pressure on your wife and the other guy for something that may not develop beyond the first or second date! And, I assume it would probably reduce your wife's dating pool because I can't see every guy agreeing to meet you before he even meets/goes out with your wife. The last reason is actually for your benefit. Say you & the guy hit it off... but the relationship between your wife & the guy fizzles out... Now you're potentially losing a new friendship...or in for some potential awkwardness between guy & wife.

Like galagirl, I think what you're really needing is reassurance that your wife still loves and desires you. The blanket analogy is a good one. A little reassurance from your wife before, and after her dates would probably go a long way in making you feel more comfortable, imo.

My partner, Blue, is great about showing me through his actions and words how much he loves and values me & our relationship. When feelings of insecurity come up, I like to think about all ways he expresses his love for me. It helps! And, I work on me :) ZigZag has a lot of great coping skills for handling the insecurity, jealousy, and fears, in this post. Maybe you could incorporate a few of those into your life? Another idea might be to spend time with your gf or her/her family while your wife is out?
 
For some people, deep relationships develop after friendship and slow advancement to sex. For others, deep relationships develop after being physical first. I am the latter. For me, it's a waste of time and energy to go out with someone several times and not see if there is physical chemistry as well as emotional/intellectual chemistry. It sounds like your wife is more like me, and perhaps you prefer to develop friendships first (although you were swinging and look what happened - out of a prior goal of having purely recreational sex partners, you fell in love).

Do not discount her dates as being only able to turn out as casual FWBs just because she doesn't want things to start the way you think is best. Dating is dating, and usually it takes a lot of dates with different people to find one gem. For most women, this usually means going out often and kissing a few frogs before anyone clicks well.

Besides, what is wrong with her having a friend with benefits or casual sex buddies - without you around? Some of my most meaningful and loving relationships have been with men who were friends with benefits, and a totally entwined partnership would simply not work for me at all. And you're her husband, not her supervisor, you don't need to approve of the people she finds herself attracted to. As long as she meets them in public places and lets you know where she is going, and checks in with you when the date is over, you have no need to worry about her safety. If an ongoing thing starts to happen and he is willing to meet you, great, but he might not want to become a buddy of yours - and that is his right.

So, if you are serious about incorporating polyamory into your life, remember that everyone has different comfort levels and preferences about how to manage multiple relationships.

In any relationship, whether mono or poly, each person's autonomy and agency in making their own choices is extremely important and should be honored. Each of you having two different approaches to developing loving relationship doesn't necessarily signal disaster - it just means you need to try and see things from your partner's perspective, have empathy and respect, and realize your way is not the only way.
 
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Another measure of safety I take is to get the man's full name and his hometown before we meet, and text that info to my partner and my sister, so on the very odd chance anything goes wrong, they know what to tell the police to track the guy down! hehe

Of course, he could lie, but that's never happened in dating about 3 dozen guys. One time I had a first date with a guy who showed me his driver's license to prove to me he was who he said he was!:eek:
 
Thanks for the replies... I didn't like reading some of them, but the truth can hurt sometimes.

The date came and went, my wife didn't get murdered, she kissed the guy, and we talked about it afterwards. And the earth keeps spinning.

I think the "newness" of it all is what threw me for a loop. I don't want to be best friends with her partners; that is not the goal for me. I just want to be able to get a sense, even if only for a few moments, of who the person is. I suppose that comes from a lack of confidence in my wife's ability to screen her potential partners. She is not the most cautious person in the world, and she tends to lead with her sexuality, which could send the wrong message to people who don't know her... It's all a bit scary to me. There is a part of me that is jealous and insecure and selfish, but I've been able to address those feelings as they come up. I just want her to be safe more than anything else.

And I agree, maybe I don't need to meet every guy she goes on a date with. In reality, that is a pretty ridiculous request to make, and you all did a fantastic job of pointing out the reasons why this would be a bad idea. I tend to catastrophize, and my mind immediately jumps to the worst-case scenarios: he's going to rape her, he's going to murder her, I'll never see her again, etc. If it's not obvious, I have a very hard time trusting people, especially when I don't know them. I made it through the night, and I doubt the next date will be as difficult, but I was definitely losing my shit for a few hours when it was going on. I try to be an optimistic person, but when new and unfamiliar people are involved, I usually assume the worst.

Luckily, I was able to spend the evening with my gf and her family, but it all kind of hit me when I got home and tried to get some sleep... That wasn't happening.

I printed off two copies of the needs inventory GalaGirl linked. I'm going to ask my wife to go through the list with me and for us to circle the ones that are most important to each of us. I hope that will help her to understand why I'm asking for the things I am. I think having the person's full name and an idea of where they are going could be a simple concession that would help me to feel more at ease with the idea...

Thanks for all of the support and suggestions. I'm sure we will figure it out.
 
Drakkaras said:
I think having the person's full name and an idea of where they are going could be a simple concession that would help me to feel more at ease with the idea...
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Yes, this could work, as Magdlyn has proved. However, when I date, I never ever give my full name to a person I have never met before, nor do I send a picture of my face in advance. Those are my personal security guidelines: never reveal too much about myself to an Internet stranger. Think about this from the new guy's perspective: his identity would be revealed not only to the person he has been corresponding with but also to someone he knows nothing about... not very safe at all.

Could your wife have someone else as a "backup system"? I have often told the details (when, where, for how long) about my dates to my brother, if I sense that my partners would be jealous and/or worry about me. My brother (poly himself, too) does not have the jealousy issues as a partner might and he definitely has my best interest in mind.
 
These things you wrote pop out at me so I lift them up again:

  • I lack confidence in my wife's ability to screen her potential partners. She is not the most cautious person in the world, and she tends to lead with her sexuality, which could send the wrong message to people who don't know her.
  • I just want her to be safe more than anything else.

Look, she has a different relational style that you. It is what it is.

You live with your wife. If in the PAST she's demonstrated that she's a poor judge of character? That's the core thing to you?

To me it sounds like you and wife could have a conversation about "safe enough" when she's out.

She needs space to demonstrate she CAN screen her date people now, in the PRESENT day.
So you in turn can grow your confidence in her ability and in her judgement. She is NOT like she was in the past any more.

Growth happens on the edges of the comfort zone.

I think having the person's full name and an idea of where they are going could be a simple concession that would help me to feel more at ease with the idea...
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Could talk about what you need to feel ok enough, safe enough then.

Behaviors you might be willing to do to help yourself:

  • Identify when you are going off into cognitive distortions like catastrophizing.
  • Practicing self reassurance, self validation.
  • Expressing how you feel clearly and what it is you are actually asking for

Behaviors she might be willing to do to help you:

  • Maybe she agrees that first dates happen in public spaces, not secluded ones.
  • Maybe she agrees she drives her own car rather than get in a car with stranger.
  • Maybe she leaves name of the date and contact info and when she's expected back in case something happens.
  • Maybe she agrees to text when she arrives and when she's coming home to help alleviate your worry.

Even as a single student many years ago I'd leave where I was going with name and number and when I expect to be back on the fridge pad so my roommate could figure it out if I was missing and tell my parents. That's just basic polite / safe stuff.

Now we get to do that stuff with cel phone technology with texts. Maybe you guys look at tools like KiteString too.

https://www.kitestring.io

Whatever the guideline things you two agree to -- sort it out. Maybe over time you guys let some go and just keep "the main ones" -- whichever those turn out to be.

So she can be free enough dating as a married person in her own style, but you can feel ok enough too.

It is ok for things to feel weird, new, or scary. But not ok to let that blow up out of proportion. Talk with her and you guys figure out how to best get through this transition time with both of you getting needs met.

Galagirl
 
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Drakkaras said:
I try to be an optimistic person, but when new and unfamiliar people are involved, I usually assume the worst.
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If I were your therapist, I'd encourage you to focus deeply on this. You're laying an awful lot at the feet of your wife, the faceless other men, etc. and your misery really doesn't have much to do with their particular behavior. Yes, you can get some temporary relief from going over checklists with your wife, attempting to keep her behavior contained into a box that you've pre-approved, but the peace this will give you is short lived, at best. No matter if your wife leads with her head, her heart or her sexuality as you say, she is an autonomous person and if you're relying on predictable, controllable, pre-approved behavior from her (or anyone) you're in for massive disappointment and plenty of anxiety along the way.

If this were me, I'd ask myself: Do I want to live in a world where I'm always assuming the worst? Why do I do this and how is this cutting me off from thoroughly enjoying my relationships? Why am I afraid of new people? Why do I feel they must prove themselves worthy and what does that even mean? How can I become more happy in general? How can I turn from expecting the worst to assuming the best? How can I be a person who feels at home in the world and doesn't need the people close to me to adhere to my list of rules in order for me to relax and enjoy the delicious mysteries that life has to offer?

There is an alternative to sifting and sorting the "rules" and guidelines and that is just trusting that your wife will bring people into her life that are good - not perfect, just basic good people who also want a positive interaction.
 
Drakkaras said:
... I suppose that comes from a lack of confidence in my wife's ability to screen her potential partners. She is not the most cautious person in the world, and she tends to lead with her sexuality, which could send the wrong message to people who don't know her... It's all a bit scary to me. There is a part of me that is jealous and insecure and selfish, but I've been able to address those feelings as they come up. I just want her to be safe more than anything else.

And I agree, maybe I don't need to meet every guy she goes on a date with. In reality, that is a pretty ridiculous request to make, and you all did a fantastic job of pointing out the reasons why this would be a bad idea. I tend to catastrophize, and my mind immediately jumps to the worst-case scenarios: he's going to rape her, he's going to murder her, I'll never see her again, etc. If it's not obvious, I have a very hard time trusting people, especially when I don't know them. I made it through the night, and I doubt the next date will be as difficult, but I was definitely losing my shit for a few hours when it was going on. I try to be an optimistic person, but when new and unfamiliar people are involved, I usually assume the worst.
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Do you trust your wife's instincts? Does she usually show good judgment? Is she a good judge of people? I bolded the above sentence because it seems to me that you do trust your wife generally. You just distrust everyone else around her. I've seen quite a few men who distrust other men intensely, who assume almost automatically that other men are out to 'steal' or hurt their loved ones. But the thing is, most men don't rape, abuse or violate anyone. You are one of those men who don't rape, abuse, or violate anyone. Why wouldn't other men be like you?

And it seems to me that you and your wife have very different views on risk taking. She seems more willing to take a bit more risk, be more 'out there' while you would just really rather not and confine things to your current circle. Neither of you are 'wrong', just different. Attitude towards risk seems like a good thing to have a discussion about - not to change each other but just to understand each other better.

And I have to say as a woman who is willing to take more risks and who often is quite open about sexuality, I suspect your wife already does a great deal of risk assessment. She's decided on a higher level of possible risk than you but that doesn't make her foolhardy or even less cautious. (Now if she consistently has poor judgement about friendships, or just in general - well that's another ball of wax. But I don't get that sense from your posts.) If she is someone who listens to her inner instincts and acts on them, then she will almost certainly be just fine and safe. (And you know you can't protect her from emotional or mental harm? And vice versa? That's not possible in a monogamous relationship and it's doubly true in poly/open ones. The main risks you face aren't physical harm at all but being rejected by potential partners, the heartbreak when relationships end, societal skepticism towards poly and open relationships, and so on.)

Look, people (not just men) have been telling women for millennia to tamp down their sexuality as something bad might happen to them because of how men would react to that sexuality. This fails utterly to keep women safe. But it does allow people to control women's sexuality. I gently suggest to you that your fear of other men around your wife, and your discomfort about her 'leading with her sexuality', is partly about your lack of control over how she expresses herself as a sexual being. Please note that I am *not* saying you are being controlling. You have very different ways of experiencing sexuality (you need it to be emotionally connecting before sexual intimacy and she seems to be able to connect sexually first) and different ways of managing risks but often our deepest fears are about what we cannot control. And your wife's sexuality is one of those things.
 
Opalescent, that was an incredible post!
 
It seems I simply need to trust my wife to make decisions regarding who she chooses as a partner, just as I would trust her to make decisions regarding anything else in our lives. My wife has never really dated (she had one serious relationship before meeting me, and we have been together for the last 10 years) so this is not only new to her as it relates to practicing polyamory, but also to dating other people in general. I may have a very cynical view of the world, and specifically of other men, but my view is informed by what I see around my every day and the other men I have known. I know that not all of them are disgusting pigs, but enough are that it makes me concerned. I just need to let her succeed, or fail, by making her own choices and dealing with her own consequences. I will always be there to support her and love her if things don't go well, but it's not for me to decide if she takes the plunge or not. This part of it is proving to be more difficult for me than I imagined it would be...

I've always been a bit of a loner. That's not going to change any time soon. But I have been enjoying the company of others more recently, and I've been making an effort to spend more time around friends. The relationships I've built with my gf and her husband have genuinely renewed much of my faith in humanity and my ability to be myself around other people. I need to give my wife the chance to find another person she feels the same way with. They may be just like me, they may be nothing like me, but it's not my decision in the end.

And I am definitely not a risk taker when it comes to the stability of my life. I do not like change, I do not like when plans go awry. I love to take calculated risks; roller coasters, sky diving, etc., but when I can't predict the likely outcome, I become very rigid and uncomfortable. I'm working on this, and I know that viewing things this way is going to make a poly marriage incredibly difficult.

As frustrating and confusing as it can be at times, I am glad that this transition has caused me to take a closer look at myself and my relationships. It's very hard to keep the status quo when everything around you is changing. Again, I sincerely appreciate the responses. Please know that I am taking a great deal away from what you all have offered.

-Drakkaras
 
Drakkaras, the openness with which you look at yourself, and with which you take in comments/advice that may be challenging, is inspiring. It's not always easy (at least for me, and I suspect for many people) to take such challenges with grace, though I strive to do so, and reading your responses helps me to remember that it's often the most challenging responses that provide the best advice and insights!

As far as safety, while I am a risk taker, I am also pragmatic in realizing not everyone is a great person. So, my risks are calculated. Sometimes I take higher risks because I think the payoff is greater, but at those times I also practice being safer. For example, I often hike solo. This freaks people out, a lot. I am what most consider small and unimposing looking, so the fear is I'll be accosted and all kinds of unpleasant things could happen. The statistical reality is, though, that I am in far more danger simply driving to my hiking spots than I am of being kidnapped and raped once I am there. So, I drive safely. The second danger is that I would possibly become injured and unable to make my way out. So, I alert someone what trail I am taking/route I am hiking, when I will be starting, and when I expect to be back. I also take reasonable supplies for the types of injuries I would most likely expect that would disable me (so, I take extra water and food goo/bars, as well as an emergency blanket, in case I am out in the elements for longer than anticipated, for example). When I first started dating my current male partner, he FREAKED OUT that I would go alone. We discussed the situation, the actual dangers presented (rather than the very unlikely, dramatic ones), and how I mitigate them. While not thrilled, he was much more comfortable. Over time, he's seen that, while I do take risks, I also am not willy-nilly about things and prepare reasonably. This same thing applies to meeting new people.

Safety is, I agree, a real thing for women to worry about in our society; but, as another poster points out, most women go out in public regularly without being accosted. There are as great a risk in what your wife likely does every day, such as driving to work, as their is in anything else. So, take a step back and think about what is a really dramatic and unlikely scenario, vs. what is far more likely. It's almost certain your wife is aware that women, unfortunately, face safety issues, and so she's likely more attuned and aware of those situations than she is, say, the danger in the guy driving like an ass in the lane next to her. In general, does your wife make good life choices, and prepare for possibilities? Does she generally show good judgement in new situations? If so, then it's likely those skills will transfer over into meeting people and dating.
 
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This might be a tangent, but reading the last few posts reminded me of something, so maybe it isn't too tangential...

Before I was about to get married, my ex-husband and I had dinner at a local restaurant with my sister and a woman friend of hers (both of whom were meeting my soon-to-be husband for the first time).

After the dinner, the four of us were walking home from the restaurant and we were all kind of spread apart on the sidewalk, so I guess it looked like the ladies were alone. A couple of young, drunk-ish guys were heading in our direction and made some sexist, idiotic remarks, and a few wolf-calls, stupid shit like that. My ex went wild. He walked over and actually accosted them. Both of them. We women were flabbergasted (and I was especially embarrassed that this was my sister's first time meeting him). He was a very strong guy and I guess his adrenaline took over because he beat the both of them up - not seriously, but they were bruised and humiliated. We`women had to break it up.

My ex came away with a gash on his head and wound up losing a lens from his glasses, which we had to go back and look for afterwards. Ugh. I was furious.

When I asked my ex what in hell made him do that -- because he was never that kind of a brute, so I was stymied -- he talked about how he hated the disrespectful things those guys said and that he was offended that someone would say things like that to the women, but especially to a woman about to become "his wife." He felt that he needed to defend us, somehow.

All I could tell him was, "Do you not know how many times a day a woman hears that kind of shit? If I let myself get that upset every time some guy made stupid remarks or advances, my stomach would be in knots and I would never leave the house." I explained to him that I just ignore people like that, don't even give them the time of day. But what really irritated me the most was how he talked about me like I was his property and they had made such an egregious error by being offensive to "his wife," that he felt he had to resort to physical violence.

I made sure to inform him in no uncertain terms that I am my own woman and did not need him to defend me unless I ask him to.

Now, this is an extreme example, but if you think your wife has never had to rebuff anyone, you are probably mistaken. Guys act like assholes to women everywhere, and it happens in school, in the workplace, the grocery store, the streets. I am sure she's had to say "no," whether verbally or through a look or action, somewhere along the line. She can't have grown to be an adult without some sense of how to take care of herself. And to be fearful for her because she comes across as a sexual being is quite denigrating. All my life I've been told to turn down the sexual vibe I give off as if it is going to get me in trouble, but I am not the problem - you see?
 
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Thanks, nycindie. You bring up a good point. I want my wife to be free to explore her sexuality within the boundaries we have both agreed on, and I am not going to stop her from doing so. I guess it is difficult for me to understand the frequency with which men make those sorts of comments to women. Because I would never say or do things like that, and the men I choose to invite into my life would never say or do things like that, I don't really have a frame of reference there. I'm sure she has had to rebuff those comments and advances in the past, and she will again. It's still scary though!

My wife and I have spent some more time talking about our thoughts and feelings on her pursuing a relationship with this new person, and I'm feeling pretty good about it at this point. I'm working on that trust thing, a little bit at a time.
 
That's the ticket; keep working on it. Your heart is in the right place and you'll get there.
 
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