Mono Marriage Recently Transitioned - Wife Approaches New Relationships Differently..

A few years ago, I had a relationship with a lovely women, but eventually I ruined it because I tried to make it an exact copy of the relationship I had with my wife, so it became to me a poor imitation of my relationship with my wife, and for the girl a real trial.

My point is ... if you try and make or even influence your wife to have relationships the way YOU think they should be, the most likely is they will fail. You must let her find her own partners, discover her own boundaries, make her own mistakes. If your thing is deep intimate relationships and hers is not well you must try to learn to celebrate that difference.
 
Looking for some suggestions...

My wife has been pushing for us to talk about her relationship with this new man (I will call him "B") over the last couple of days. After feeling like my repeated attempts to set a boundary were being rebuffed, I got frustrated and we had a very heated argument about the degree of intimacy that we could agree on in her relationship with B. I can feel this sick feeling coming up every time I think about my wife and B being intimate. I have never seen the two of them kiss, but I'm aware that this is going on outside of my presence, and I can accept that. But, for some reason, I cannot get past this block when it comes to sexual intimacy.

I honestly did not expect this to happen when we approached this point. I have two clear incentives for promoting their relationship. I want my wife to be happy, and it's clear to me that she is falling for B and wants to follow her feelings and desires. I want my relationship with G to continue to grow and I want to, eventually, be free to express my love for her without excessive limitations. Logically, it all makes sense, and I understand why I want to let this happen. But emotionally, I am a wreck. I barely slept last night and am completely drained this morning. Combined with the recent developments in my relationship with G, the last few days have been an emotional roller coaster for me.

I asked my wife for time to try and sort all of these feelings out. To figure out why this bothers me to the extent that it does. While she was frustrated at my hesitance in opening the boundaries further (I can completely understand), she agreed to give me the time I need to figure this all out. I was careful to not agree to a certain time frame and made it clear that I have no idea how long, or even if, I will be able to move past this. While we have been identifying as polyamorous for months now, this is the first time either of us has had to consider and process the reality of our partner having sex with another lover of the opposite sex.

In addition, I have a much better understanding of M (my gf's husband) and his own confusion, jealousy, and hesitancy in opening his relationship to an equivalent level. I didn't have a frame of reference to his situation before now, and I feel for him deeply. I sincerely hope we are both able to overcome these fears and move forward with our relationships.

So where do I go from here? Any suggestions for how I should approach tackling this emotional muck that is coming to the surface for me? How I can identify what is triggering this and try to see it for what it most likely is, an irrational fear?
 
I don't know what to tell you other than this:

1) Gradual exposure. Like bit by bit more and more happens.

2) Jump in. Like get it over with.

3) Bow out of the situation, and then she's free to deal with it without taking you into consideration. You are free from having to deal with it because it becomes "Does not apply."

4) Avoid. She does not share sex with him. ​

I don't think you are after #3. And she's not after #4. So I gray them out.

So it's basically pick between 1 and 2. Which approach suits you better? Then you flesh out the details of HOW to execute it. Just that before details, you have to know what you are shooting for and what feels balanced enough. Only you guys can discern this.

Maybe you want a counselor appt to help you sort it out? What bugs you about it? Then work out what is "balanced enough" with your wife.


Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I don't know what to tell you other than this:

1) Gradual exposure. Like bit by bit more and more happens.

2) Jump in. Like get it over with.

3) Bow out of the situation, and then she's free to deal with it without taking you into consideration. You are free from having to deal with it because it becomes "Does not apply."

4) Avoid. She does not share sex with him. ​

I don't think you are after #3. And she's not after #4. So I gray them out.

So it's basically pick between 1 and 2. Which approach suits you better? Then you flesh out the details of HOW to execute it. Just that before details, you have to know what you are shooting for and what feels balanced enough. Only you guys can discern this.

Maybe you want a counselor appt to help you sort it out? What bugs you about it? Then work out what is "balanced enough" with your wife.


Galagirl
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There were definitely times in my relationship that I wanted 1, but for a whole host of reasons 2 happened. Now with hindsight this was undoubtedly the best thing. Not saying its for everyone but sometime its best to confront your biggest challenges rather than drip feed fear and uncertainty.
 
Hi Drakkaras,

In case I didn't show you these in some earlier thread, here are some jealousy-related links you might want to check out:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

You're probably dealing with fear and insecurity as well but I think the above links will also address that.

Ask yourself, what's the worst thing that could happen as your wife and B become more involved with each other? What scares you the most?
 
I think the best thing to remind oneself of is that, no matter what kind of agreement, contract (marriage), or commitment is made between two people, each is their own person and does not belong to the other. You've said that you want your wife to explore her sexuality within the boundaries you two have agreed upon, and you want her to be happy. Well, keep in mind that her sexuality and her happiness is up to her, not you. You can want all kinds of things for her, but her happiness and satisfaction will depend on what she wants. When your totally entwined lives start becoming more separate, it is not a threat to you. I think the hardest thing for a married couple to let go of is the idea that they belong to each other. Feeling sick about what she wants to do with her own body tells me you are too attached to her in an unhealthy way.
 
I'm warming up to the idea of my wife being intimate with B... The thought does not produce such negative gut feelings anymore, and I am very close to giving my blessing. Luckily, she has been understanding about my discomfort and has been patient with me as we go through this process. Both she and B have been tested for STDs and the reality of this situation is apparent. It still scares me, there are still plenty of unknowns, but I don't want to let fear hold us back from what has already proven to be a truly wonderful way of life. I imagine it will only become better as we advance our individual relationships further. I want her to be able to experience that. I expect it will happen in the very near future.

On a related note, my own relationship with my partner is evolving rapidly. That story can be found HERE for anyone interested. I'm hoping that my willingness to set my fears aside and offer my support to my wife in her relationship with B might encourage my partner's husband to do the same. He has a multitude of personal issues to deal with in this process that I, fortunately, do not. But perhaps by showing him it is possible to open a relationship in this manner and still be as committed as ever, some of his own insecurities might be relieved. I can hope...
 
Good to hear that you guys are continuing to make progress.
 
Drakkaras said:
I'm hoping that my willingness to set my fears aside and offer my support to my wife in her relationship with B might encourage my partner's husband to do the same.
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Wonderful attitude! You are the guy to set a good example... I truly hope you all will find a balance in your lives.
 
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