Mono-poly dilemma. Help.

yoitszs

New member
I am married to my high school sweetheart. Love him like crazy, but around 5 years ago I discovered I'm polyamorous and told him. We both have ADHD and for him, changes are a massive turmoil of emotions. I traveled abroad for a couple of months after telling him and after we both agreed to certain terms. Came back with a relationship, super happy with everything, thinking that my marriage was also thriving because he's been super nice over chat. When I come back he burst into tears, saying that he was not ready, and that we should divorce. We talked and decided we'd be back to mono again. That was 5 years ago, and after a thousand kinda-forced conversations about it, he admitted that he's not against being poly for any of us but just the change of pace makes him horribly anxious. So, I worded out for him "you don't want me to be poly because you are not okay with yourself and you can't stand it yet". Him being ND makes it super difficult to talk to sometimes and get to an agreement. I love him dearly, but while I keep waiting years for him to be "ready" I keep falling for people and having heartbreaks on my own because I can't talk about it with anybody else. I've been with him for 13 years, he's been amazing to me, but this is overwhelming for me. Any advice?
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

FWIW, some things to reflect on in case it helps you sort. You don't actually have to answer it here.

Does he want to "get ready?" What work is he doing? Reading books? Podcasts? Seeking poly counselor? Going to poly classes/workshop/educational events?

Does he want to remain monogamous? But doesn't tell you that clearly or directly? Because he wants to keep you around? So it benefits him to be "working on it" in a non-concrete way. So he doesn't have to change AND you still stick around?

What are you overwhelmed by? The difficulty in having conversations with him and doing most of the emotional labor to get things out of him? Wanting to move on to polyamory? Struggling with maybe having outgrown this relationship even though you still care about him? Something else?

You have been waiting years. What if he NEVER wants to change to polyamory. Are you ok with that?

What do you want from a romantic partner? Does he still make the cut?

What does he want from a romantic partner? Do you still make the cut?

He was willing to divorce so you could move on. Is that still true? Is it true for you too? Or is contemplating that change the one that is hard for you because he's been the major relationship of your teens/adulthood?

What would be your desired outcomes?

I encourage you to think about what it is you would like and then have the needed conversations with partner and/or safe people to talk to. That stuck out for me -- that you have nobody to talk to about this "overwhelmed" stuff.
 
Hello yoitszs,

It's been five years. I think it's time to ask yourself, how long are you willing to wait, for him to be ready for poly? ten years? fifty? more? He's not putting much of a light at the end of the tunnel, so it's kind of up to you to establish that light. So you know how long you'll wait, and that there will be an end to the waiting.

Have the two of you tried a marriage counselor? Such a person might be able to help you communicate more effectively with each other. It sounds to me like the two of you are a perfect match for each other -- other than this one little thing. But is it little? Maybe a counselor could help you figure out how big it is. You did use the word "overwhelming."

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
I am married to my high school sweetheart. Love him like crazy, but around 5 years ago I discovered I'm polyamorous and told him.
What was that light bulb moment.

We both have ADHD and for him, changes are a massive turmoil of emotions. I traveled abroad for a couple of months after telling him and after we both agreed to certain terms. Came back with a relationship, super happy with everything, thinking that my marriage was also thriving because he's been super nice over chat. When I come back he burst into tears, saying that he was not ready, and that we should divorce. We talked and decided we'd be back to mono again. That was 5 years ago, and after a thousand kinda-forced conversations about it, he admitted that he's not against being poly for any of us but just the change of pace makes him horribly anxious.
after a 1000 forced conversations and 5 yrs maybe you need to admit he might not be a good candidate for a poly relationship. YOU realize this is the very tip of the poly spear right. If he’s horribly anxious now he’s going to be 10times more anxious once he becomes one of ( x) .

So, I worded out for him "you don't want me to be poly because you are not okay with yourself and you can't stand it yet". Him being ND makes it super difficult to talk to sometimes and get to an agreement.
what’s ND? ANYWAY you slice this you’re never going to get a joyful yes out of him unless you say and and he nods in agreement. Are there kids in the mix ? Just trying to assess what’s at stake besides this guys mental health. If you crush him and his spirit will that effect your kids if you have any ?


I love him dearly, but while I keep waiting years for him to be "ready" I keep falling for people and having heartbreaks on my own because I can't talk about it with anybody else. I've been with him for 13 years, he's been amazing to me, but this is overwhelming for me. Any advice?
i don’t want to put words in your mouth but this reads like I love him but I’m not in love with him and the people I am in love with keep slipping away. I’d cut him loose life’s too short. He’s not going to change and if he does he’s going to be a shell of the person he was and you’re not going to change. Chalk it up to shelf life or incompatibility You pick.
I mean you can try to force feed him all the poly info but what’s more painful …drowning at the end of the poly fire hose or trial run OR just agreeing in the incompatibility of a relationship structure ?
 
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