Mono/poly or what

Could your partner, because of his dating history have brought poly up and made that stipulation as some sort of safety valve for what he thought the future would bring. Knowing his own cycles and patterns he was prepping for that...unfortunately or fortunately it didn't happen and the reverse actually bit him in the ass.
Just a thought.
 
dingedheart said:
Could your partner, because of his dating history have brought poly up and made that stipulation as some sort of safety valve for what he thought the future would bring. Knowing his own cycles and patterns he was prepping for that...unfortunately or fortunately it didn't happen and the reverse actually bit him in the ass.
Just a thought.
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So you're suggesting he would have been referring to fucking around when he talked about us being poly? I find it quite hard to believe since I'm the one who has been more interested in slutness than him.

However, I have admit that it was polyamory that actually bit ME in the ass, initially I was thinking about some casual sex outside of my marriage and then I actually stumble upon a person I want to be with.

He was always saying that he doesn't see the point in fucking around, that he'd prefer meaningful, deep relationships (that would include sex).

Oh the irony.
 
No I wasn't suggesting he was referring to fucking around. I was trying to come up with a logical reason why someone who talked about poly as a long term option or plan, stipulated that as a condition of marriage (now come to find out had poly relationships in the past ) ....why that person...would get so up set and call you selfish and say he can't handle it now that you want to move in that direction.
 
It's hard to understand. The only option is that he didn't think it through when he suggested it to me. A classic case of cold feet maybe?

I think it's quite irresponsible. If you say something to your lover please be serious about it. People don't function in a vacuum, your actions have consequences.

Now the biggest sorrow for me is that I'm not sure if I can, after all this work, return to being monoamorous.

Or rather, I think I'm not in a monoamorous relationship at the moment because I love one and have feelings for another. This isn't monoamory from where I'm standing.

Of course it doesn't mean that I'm not going to respect his feelings when I figure out what I'm going to do.

To me, being in a monoamorous relationship means that you keep a tight leash on your heart and don't let any crushes develop. If you cross the line and develop feelings for others, it changes the dynamic in the relationship for good. Be it then that you are open and honest about it and start building polyamorous relationships, or be it that you cheat. But in any case, it's not monoamory.

Any thoughts on this?
 
Sonic said:
To me, being in a monoamorous relationship means that you keep a tight leash on your heart and don't let any crushes develop. Any thoughts on this?
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If you have to keep your heart on a leash, you might be in a monogamous relationship but you aren't monogamous. I can't imagine that situation would be healthy for either of you.

It looks to me like your husband was really hoping for a very one sided open relationship...a One Penis Policy.

Sometimes you just have to trial these things by fire so to speak. Maybe that's what needs to happen. Otherwise you could end up living your life without being you.
 
Sonic said:
To me, being in a monoamorous relationship means that you keep a tight leash on your heart and don't let any crushes develop. If you cross the line and develop feelings for others, it changes the dynamic in the relationship for good. Be it then that you are open and honest about it and start building polyamorous relationships, or be it that you cheat. But in any case, it's not monoamory.

Any thoughts on this?
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Yes, that would be the case I think. Something I have discovered over time is that monogamy is societaly based on monoamoury. By its nature it creates this relationship dynamic. Really though, most people develop feelings for others all the time. Its what is done with those feelings that is the question really in terms of the difference between poly and mono.

Sometimes poly indicates a lifestyle choice and sometimes an orientation. For example my Mono is monoamourous. Its tested and true to this point. It makes him monogamous as an identity, not as a lifestyle choice.

I think people can be monogamous and be polyamourous depending on stage and choice in life as a lifestyle choice. They can also be monoamorous and be monogamous as an identity, but it stands to reason that they wouldn't be monoamourous and in a polyamorous. They could be in a poly relationship dynamic maybe, as Mono is.
 
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MonoVCPHG said:
Sometimes you just have to trial these things by fire so to speak. Maybe that's what needs to happen. Otherwise you could end up living your life without being you.
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That's true, and I think it applies to my partner as well He's just too scared to try!

How to convince him? :confused:
 
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