Mono/poly-- question about ED

R

Rubyxoxo

New member
Has any mono female experienced their spouse/partner going soft on them when having sex, like literally every time, but the male seemingly haas a non-problematic sexual relationship with their other poly partner?

He says it’s an age thing. I think it’s an attraction thing (although he's reassured me it's not, but I’m convinced he said that so as not to upset me). Clearly I want to trust what he’s saying, but find it hard to accept that I might just not be what he desires. Such a hard thing to grapple between trusting his word and succumbing to my own self doubts.

Any ideas from the male polys of the group at all? TIA.
 
Hello Rubyxoxo,

This sounds like an NRE problem. Your spouse/partner is so smitten by his other poly partner, that he is excited about her and can't think about much else. It's like the honeymoon stage in that relationship. Hopefully in time things will equal out.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Rubyxoxo said:
Have any females experienced your spouse/partner going soft on them when having sex, like literally every time, but the male seemingly having a non-problematic sexual relationship with their other poly partner? He says it’s an age thing. I think it’s an attraction thing. Clearly I want to trust what he’s saying, but find it hard to accept that I might just not be what he desires. Such a hard thing to grapple between trusting his word and succumbing to my own self doubts. Any ideas from the male polys of the group at all? Tia
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Hi Ruby,

Is this a new partner for your partner? Is he new to poly, as well? One of the important things to be able to do in poly is to keep meeting the needs of your established partner(s), even when you have a new partner and are experiencing new relationship energy craziness/horniness.
 
Penis problems are a man with penis thing. These things are normal. The MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do is not take it personally. Do not do anything to question him about it. Instead, transition to some other sexual activity until it wakes back up again. I've had a partner lose his erection three times in one session, just to have an amazing orgasm after two hours of lovemaking.

Here's the thing. There is so much focus placed on erections by women and by the men themselves. So many things can cause a momentary issue, but once it happens the first time, it's more likely to happen again.

Men will start to have negative self-talk in their heads, worried that it will happen again, and invariably will cause it to happen.

There's a great podcast called Pillow Talks that goes over this very well.

https://vmtherapy.com/episode47

It may seem coincidental that he is dating someone new and this started out of the blue, but don't let your head create a narrative that just isn't true. Yes, vaginas are different, but he has loved yours for years, and that doesn't just go away. If he was not attracted to you, he wouldn't be having sex with you in the first place. Believe me, penises don't go soft mid-way because you've suddenly become unattractive in the last two minutes (unless you are saying something that turns him off, or are doing something that turns him off). Sometimes it's just biology, other times it's psychology, or the talk in his head, but it's not attraction, or lack of attraction.
 
Most of the time, for me at least, it has everything to do with the worries in my head about bills, work, I forgot to call to have the furnace serviced. When was the last time the septic tank was pumped? Did I remember to pack the belt that matches the shoes I'm wearing to that client meeting on Tuesday? And so on. I have trouble settling my mind. I've pointed out to my wife that when she lets me have a little time to do something enjoyable, like go for a walk or a paddle, I come back relaxed and ready to rock her world.

Anecdotally, some other things that have resulted in a bad performance from me:
Her giving me a hand job like she is trying whisk eggs into foam and then expecting I'm going to have any sensation left for vaginal intercourse.
Biting me so hard on the shoulder I expect to have teeth marks in my collarbone because she is afraid of making too much noise while orgasming and waking the kids.
Answering her phone while we are in the middle of it.
Asking, "Is there something wrong? Why haven't you cum yet?"
 
Oooooh-- so, not from my primary, but a definite issue with MANY of my paramours-- it *is* partially an age thing. It is also an environmental thing:
How many drinks has he had?
How tired is he?
How much stress on the very day of your connection?
What has he been eating?
How are his workouts?
Etc., etc., etc.

I'll give you a lot of things to ponder. None of this is medical expert advice, just experience. And none of it is specifically connected to the rest of it, because it's a list in my head so... here:

  1. Women also get erections, if you think about it. The swelling of our clitoris that accompanies sex is the same thing. It is just less mechanically necessary to providing a good time as PinV fun. Knowing this about myself, I'm super aware of how often I have been SUPER INTO a man and the desire for sex to happen, and my body simply will not biologically respond in the way I want it to. Go down on me? Sure, you'll be down there all day. She ain't home. But because I'm a woman, I can enjoy everything, and the man can enjoy ME, without me having an orgasm and without me ever fully responding to his touch. When it is the other way around, it shouldn't be different, but we all know it is. So maybe keep that in mind, as a person with a vagina. Consider if you've ever been fully THERE, but your clit isn't. Hm?
  2. You might want to encourage your partner to have his testosterone checked. This is the quickest fix for SO MANY issues "aging" men face and it isn't a terribly big deal, nor big deal to treat. Could change his life. (I'm on T as a woman. It has changed MY life.)
  3. Sex with nesting partners necessarily includes the very un-sexy LIFE part. It just does. My husband recently said (about his new gf): "I'm literally never going to spend the night with her. She doesn't need to see my pre-bed game, nor my wake-up game. You know it isn't sexy. I know it isn't sexy. And I'm sorry, but that's not a door I want to open with a relationship I'm keeping at this level. Sorry honey, you get ALL of me and she never will."
  4. Okay, so, on an orgasm-only level? Yeah.... bummer, right? Haha. BUT, on an intimacy level? Sorry, there's no comparison between what you can have with your nesting partner and everyone else. IT IS DEEPLY INTIMATE to live with another human and make a life with them. Accepting this, owning it, and then shifting it to the bedroom doesn't look the same as sex with other partners, but it *can* be very very sexy on a different level. Deeply sexy and deeply satisfying, and maybe not all the time, but also not gone forever.
None of it is personal, although all of it is deeply personal. I hate that I'm saying it this way. I'm like your husband. I wish my juices would ready-flow the second *my* super-hot husband puts things into go-mode. They don't always.

We've discovered tons of things to work with this, including testosterone for me, including changing the environment (hotel and out of town and no kids and no immediate stress sex? 10 out of 10, recommend). He will sometimes take Cialis when he's with partners or threesomes, and he knows he needs to keep it up, but might not be fully in the that headspace, and that also works.

Also, we've played with many other levels of physical intimacy and discovered that PinV isn't the only way to skin a cat for either of us. There is SO MUCH FUN to be explored in our bodies. I highly encourage curiosity and openness and letting go of any/all expectations.

@indelicate.coaching on IG has a fab video series on her website all about intimacy and it's pretty cheap and totally good. https://www.indelicatecoaching.com/challenge-page/eca060be-0c7b-4664-8961-71d61ddd6626
@bde.moves is a queer sex coach who's content is so spot on and widely applicable that even though she doesn't target my dynamic specifically, she often provides insight that I've found useful.
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi Ruby,

Is this a new partner for your partner? Is he new to poly, as well? One of the important things to be able to do in poly is to keep meeting the needs of your established partner(s), even when you have a new partner and are experiencing new relationship energy craziness/horniness.
Click to expand...
Yes, it's a new partner for my partner.

I agree with what you said. And we said this before she even came on the scene, about not neglecting each other's needs and remaining mindful.

It seems like he hasn’t computed that and has had a one track mind. Maybe that’s what hormones do to a person?! Maybe I’m wrong. I should bring it up in conversation. But so far, I've been scared to, in case my worse fears about his attraction to me are confirmed
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Rubyxoxo,

This sounds like an NRE problem. Your spouse/partner is so smitten by his other poly partner, that he is excited about her and can't think about much else. It's like the honeymoon stage in that relationship. Hopefully in time things will equal out.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
I have
kdt26417 said:
Hello Rubyxoxo,

This sounds like an NRE problem. Your spouse/partner is so smitten by his other poly partner, that he is excited about her and can't think about much else. It's like the honeymoon stage in that relationship. Hopefully in time things will equal out.

Regards,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
I knew something about NRE in the beginning and expected it somewhat. Maybe I naively thought it was more of a mental feeling than a physically outward effect. But every day is a school day!!
 
Erections can be as much a mental thing as a physical thing. If he's with you, but all he's thinking about is that he'd rather be with her (that's the NRE talking), then it's no surprise if he goes soft on you. The nice thing about NRE is that it's temporary. But you'll have to be patient, it could last anywhere from three months to three years.
 
Rubyxoxo said:
Yes, it's a new partner for my partner.

I agree with what you said. And we said this before she even came on the scene, about not neglecting each other's needs and remaining mindful.

It seems like he hasn’t computed that, and has had a one track mind. Maybe that’s what hormones do to a person?! Maybe I’m wrong. I should bring it up in conversation. But so far, I've been scared to, in case my worse fears about his attraction to me are confirmed.
Click to expand...
Hey Ruby,

Welcome to the forum.

How long were you and your spouse or partner mono prior to opening up? What were the factors or circumstances surrounding your transition to poly or an open relationship? Did you both educate yourselves on journey you chose to take, and discuss the risks (the situation you find yourself in being one of them)?

I don’t think I'd waste time chasing any physical or medical causation, because if that were an issue it would present itself with his other partner.

IMO, figuring out the mental or psychological cause could be much harder/more painful to solve.
 
Rubyxoxo said:
I knew something about NRE in the beginning and expected it somewhat. Maybe I naively thought it was more of a mental feeling than a physically outward effect. But every day is a school day!!
Click to expand...
Yes, it's definitely a learning curve. So, he's just been with this new partner for a short time. He's not used to transitioning back and forth between two lovers. He's confused, and so is his penis.

Penises get confused. I once dated a guy who was going through a divorce. (He hadn't moved out yet, but they were sleeping separately and not having sex.) He was really into me, and I liked him a lot, so on our third date we decided to have sex. He was very enthusiastic about it, about touching me and pleasuring me, but his penis stayed soft. I didn't make any kind of deal about it. We did other fun sexual things. I was satisfied and he enjoyed himself.

The next time we had sex, he got hard (although it might have been intermittent, I don't remember exactly). So we were able to do PIV. But he was unable to cum.

The third time was a charm. Fun outercourse, fun intercourse, and he was able to orgasm. It was just a bit of a process, but I was sympathetic and accepting. My patience paid off and all was well in the end.

So maybe that approach would work with your husband, even though you are on the other side of the equation. One doesn't become a successful poly lover overnight, even though one might crave the practice very much.
 
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