Just journaling here, my friends all went to sleep but I can't. I don't know, I just need to feel like someone is listening so I'm leaning on random strangers I guess.
It hurts.
I told her the other day it wasn't going to work, that I cannot do polly. It was terring me up to try and put myself in a mindset to still be with her where I didn't feel used.
She is at work now. One of our dogs is just sitting in the hallway at her bedroom door. I went to comfort him and tell him she'll be back, but just started crying because maybe that's only true this time? I like to think she'll be able to get a place where she can keep the dogs, they love her more for sure. His little heart will be broken.
I can't leave her this place. She cannot afford the mortgage, and while she put the maximum into retirement all of these years I cashed mine out early so we could afford the down payment on it. I saw the market was inflating and it was going to shut us out of living near family. Her family is over at least once a week, sometimes more. I couldn't let that happen to her.
We have this graden gnome with an automatic light staff and some glowing mushrooms in our front yard that she got me. When we first started dating we had a gnome and farie theme.
I don't know why this shit makes me cry but I can't stop.
I know if she was here she would say, "It's your choice to leave." and it is, but it's also not. I know she thinks she is poly because she has such a big heart overflowing with love to give but it's not. It just isn't. I do deserve better/more and I need to go through with this.
My journal from 4/21 sums it up. I need to keep this as a weapon to use against myself when I think of backing down. It so pointedly illustrates why I have to leave.
[deleted] I am editing this part out. It felt good to share but it's not something I should broadcast like this.
I keep telling the dog that it's O.K. and we just have to make it to falling asleep.
Am I allowed to take sleeping pills? (not talking OD here, I know self harm is probably a concern people are having right now. I just mean to knock me out and let me fast forward until my chemicals have had a chance to rebalance.) Is that substance abuse?
Is this what being single is going to be like? All alone in this house of memories?
I just have to make it through to the other side. I don't even have to do anything really. It just takes time, and time moves all on its own.
I cannot, for the life of me, think of anything to make this pass easier. As a CIS mono man I share my feelings with my friends more than most - but when it gets this low... we just don't. We can only share with one another when there's some concievable advice they could offer or solution they could suggest. There's no solution here. We turn to our wives or our girlfriends here but... I can't.
So I guess it's strangers on the internet and my dogs.
12 years.
Shit.
It just hurts. WHy doesn't she care. How can she just forget me like that? What did I do or not do to deserve this?
It's funny. I tell myself I am a Nihilist because I know, deep down, there is no why to anything. We just want to find order. Here I am seeking a why. On some level, I am an absurdist. I know there is no reason, no right or wrong - but deep inside I still feel those things must exist.
When I first started calling myself an Atheist it was the same. I was mad at religion and at God so I said it out of spite but at night I'd still pray. I'd still aim the questions of 'why' at a figure.
Will this pass like that? From absurdism into true nihilism? Will I internalize what my rational mind tells me that deeply? What will that look like? Will I be more at peace? Will it be a content peace or a sorrowful one?
I wish I could get mad now. Mad at her. Mad at some the concept of Poly or Wicca or at him. Mad at myself. It's none of those things really. This isn't the poly community, ya'll are just being healthy about your needs. She is poly but she's something else too. I don't know what. Maybe it's an anti-social disorder, maybe it's addiction, maybe it's just garden variety selfishness. Can I be angry with her for that? No, because I don't understand it yet, and if I did I would probably want to help her not pass judgement on her. I can't blame him, he was told this was poly and had my blessing.
Whew.
I think I am empty now. ~3 hours. That's not too bad. That seems to be about how much crying I have in me at any one time. I need to keep track of that so when the next one comes I can tell myself that's the target. Just stay steady for 3 hours and I'll get through the other side.
Also, maybe it just came at the right time, but reflecting on philosphy helped. I should try that earlier next time, maybe it is a topic capable of holding my attention even when I am in a mood like this.
It hurts.
I told her the other day it wasn't going to work, that I cannot do polly. It was terring me up to try and put myself in a mindset to still be with her where I didn't feel used.
She is at work now. One of our dogs is just sitting in the hallway at her bedroom door. I went to comfort him and tell him she'll be back, but just started crying because maybe that's only true this time? I like to think she'll be able to get a place where she can keep the dogs, they love her more for sure. His little heart will be broken.
I can't leave her this place. She cannot afford the mortgage, and while she put the maximum into retirement all of these years I cashed mine out early so we could afford the down payment on it. I saw the market was inflating and it was going to shut us out of living near family. Her family is over at least once a week, sometimes more. I couldn't let that happen to her.
We have this graden gnome with an automatic light staff and some glowing mushrooms in our front yard that she got me. When we first started dating we had a gnome and farie theme.
I don't know why this shit makes me cry but I can't stop.
I know if she was here she would say, "It's your choice to leave." and it is, but it's also not. I know she thinks she is poly because she has such a big heart overflowing with love to give but it's not. It just isn't. I do deserve better/more and I need to go through with this.
My journal from 4/21 sums it up. I need to keep this as a weapon to use against myself when I think of backing down. It so pointedly illustrates why I have to leave.
[deleted] I am editing this part out. It felt good to share but it's not something I should broadcast like this.
I keep telling the dog that it's O.K. and we just have to make it to falling asleep.
Am I allowed to take sleeping pills? (not talking OD here, I know self harm is probably a concern people are having right now. I just mean to knock me out and let me fast forward until my chemicals have had a chance to rebalance.) Is that substance abuse?
Is this what being single is going to be like? All alone in this house of memories?
I just have to make it through to the other side. I don't even have to do anything really. It just takes time, and time moves all on its own.
I cannot, for the life of me, think of anything to make this pass easier. As a CIS mono man I share my feelings with my friends more than most - but when it gets this low... we just don't. We can only share with one another when there's some concievable advice they could offer or solution they could suggest. There's no solution here. We turn to our wives or our girlfriends here but... I can't.
So I guess it's strangers on the internet and my dogs.
12 years.
Shit.
It just hurts. WHy doesn't she care. How can she just forget me like that? What did I do or not do to deserve this?
It's funny. I tell myself I am a Nihilist because I know, deep down, there is no why to anything. We just want to find order. Here I am seeking a why. On some level, I am an absurdist. I know there is no reason, no right or wrong - but deep inside I still feel those things must exist.
When I first started calling myself an Atheist it was the same. I was mad at religion and at God so I said it out of spite but at night I'd still pray. I'd still aim the questions of 'why' at a figure.
Will this pass like that? From absurdism into true nihilism? Will I internalize what my rational mind tells me that deeply? What will that look like? Will I be more at peace? Will it be a content peace or a sorrowful one?
I wish I could get mad now. Mad at her. Mad at some the concept of Poly or Wicca or at him. Mad at myself. It's none of those things really. This isn't the poly community, ya'll are just being healthy about your needs. She is poly but she's something else too. I don't know what. Maybe it's an anti-social disorder, maybe it's addiction, maybe it's just garden variety selfishness. Can I be angry with her for that? No, because I don't understand it yet, and if I did I would probably want to help her not pass judgement on her. I can't blame him, he was told this was poly and had my blessing.
Whew.
I think I am empty now. ~3 hours. That's not too bad. That seems to be about how much crying I have in me at any one time. I need to keep track of that so when the next one comes I can tell myself that's the target. Just stay steady for 3 hours and I'll get through the other side.
Also, maybe it just came at the right time, but reflecting on philosphy helped. I should try that earlier next time, maybe it is a topic capable of holding my attention even when I am in a mood like this.
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