Mono woman with poly husband

H

Hugging Trees

New member
I've been married 21 years. My husband came out as poly 11 years ago. It has been tough for us both, but we adore each other and will never separate. My husband has said many times that he wishes he was not poly, as life would be much easier. I have no desire to be with anyone else. He has also said, he knows that he is a hypocrite, but he couldn't bear for me to be with anyone else.

I am struggling with his current relationship. She is a short flight away. She is a wonderful woman. I really do think she is a good person. She is younger, beautiful, extremely talented and has had a very exciting life. They have a LOT of common interests too.

My husband reassures me daily that I will always be his love for our lifetime, but I worry that she is such an amazing person that I will eventually not be interesting enough for him. I am 51, normal weight and have a very average appearance. I am far from beautiful, but far from unattractive (I hope). Does anyone have any words of encouragement to help me get through this?
 
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Okay. It's good that you and husband are on the same page. You have no desire to date anyone else. He wouldn't want you to date anyone else, because he is an admitted hypocrite.

To many polyamorists, you are not an ethically poly person if you can't deal with your partner(s) dating others, and you just want the fun of it for yourself. The same goes for men who are okay with their wives/gfs dating other women, but no men (one penis policy). But again, luckily, this is moot, since you feel you are strictly monogamous yourself.

However, being mono, you can't seem to fully believe your husband could love two different people for their unique qualities, and must eventually choose the "better" woman, in this case, your younger, perhaps more conventionally attractive metamour. You compare yourself to her, find her more attractive and interesting than you, so figure your time with your husband is limited.

Your husband is polyamorous. He is not happy with himself to be poly, maybe because he feels he is hurting you. (Apparently he is). But his lot is he doesn't want to choose, and he doesn't have to choose! He finds much to love in both of you. He's been with you 21 years, and came out as poly 11 years ago, and yet, you still don't trust him because you don't understand how poly works?

You don't believe you hold a candle to the new person?
How long have they been dating?
Are they already fully in love, or is it just NRE (infatuation) at this point?
Were his former partners not as young, beautiful, companionable?
What more could your husband do for you to reassure you that he's never going to choose someone else over you?
 
I find your fears very understandable. But, as Magdlyn suggests, hopefully the question of choosing is not even on your husband's mind.

The best advice I can think of is, take good care of your relationship together (both of you), and don't focus on the other woman. Find things to enjoy, and don't let needs go unmet, then it doesn't matter what they have together. It's almost never about the metamour.
 
Hello Hugging Trees,

Your husband has strong feelings for both you and his other relationship, I don't think he will ever trade one for the other. He just has a lot of love to give, there is enough for more than one person. My only concern is that he won't give you the same freedom, it is nice that he recognizes the hypocrisy, but that doesn't make it okay. Maybe you have more love to give too. Anyway, I hope you will get through this, it sounds like the two of you love each other very much.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Hugging Tree,

Your message touches me a lot. I feel sad for you that your husband wouldn't accept if you had a relationship with someone else. To me, this is not polyamorous behavior at all. The irony is that you talk like a polyamorous person. The way you describe your husband's lover, it sounds like compersion to me, deep love for your partner without jealousy. What you said is beautiful. ❤️

Are you sure polyamory wouldn't be a good fit for you? There are different ways to connect with others in a loving way that you may not have thought of. I know it's not the point of your post, but I just hope you wouldn't have come to believe you are monogamist because of some unconscious pressure coming from your husband.

Now to answer your question. I know it can be hard to understand, not only your husband can love someone else than you, but it can also increase his love for you. I don't see why he would leave you after all those years. Wouldn't have he done it a long time ago if he wasn't happy with you? We don't stop loving a child when we get a second one who's younger, cuter and smarter. You are part of his life, and I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you.
 
Musso said:
Hi Hugging Tree,

Your message touches me a lot. I feel sad for you that your husband wouldn't accept if you had a relationship with someone else. To me this is not a polyamorous behavior at all. The irony is that you talk like a polyamorous person. The way you describe your husband's lover, it sounds like compersion to me, deep love for your partner without jealousy. What you said is beautiful ❤️

Are you sure polyamory wouldn't be a good fit for you? There are different ways to connect with others in a loving way that you may not have thought of. I know it's not the point of your post but I just hope you wouldn't have come to believe you are monogamist because of some unconscious pressure coming from your husband.

Now to answer your question. I know it can be hard to understand but not only your husband can love someone else than you but it can also increase his love for you. I don't see why he would leave you after all those years. Wouldn't have he done it a long time ago if he wasn't happy with you? We don't stop loving a child when we get a second one who's younger, cuter and smarter. You are part of his life and I'm sure he doesn't want to lose you.
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It is just so hard the way he talks about her-- "She and I have everything in common," "She is an amazing woman." And he talks about her all the time.

I just can never be in 2nd place. That would hurt so badly. 1st place, 2nd place; I know that is terrible of me to say, but that is how I feel right now.
 
Hugging Trees said:
It is just so hard the way he talks about her-- "She and I have everything in common," "She is an amazing woman." And he talks about her all the time.
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Ask him firmly to stop talking about her to you. There is nothing you need to know except that he is practicing safer sex. If you two have been in a polyamorous relationship for 11 years, I am surprised you and he don't know that this kind of oversharing is not acceptable. If he's that excited about it, he can tell someone else, or journal, or something. If this hurts you, speak up! Advocate for yourself.
Hugging Trees said:
I just can never be in 2nd place. That would hurt so badly. 1st place, 2nd place... I know that is terrible of me to say, but that is how I feel right now.
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This is not "terrible of you to say," at all. Your feelings are valid. You sound like you are experiencing "poly hell." Please read this article. I am sure it will help your perspective.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com
 
It really sounds like you’ve been navigating something emotionally complex with an incredible amount of honesty, loyalty, and love. Twenty-one years of marriage, and the fact that you and your husband still choose each other every day, says a lot about the depth of your relationship.

It also makes complete sense that his current relationship is stirring up insecurity and worry. You’re human, and anyone in your position, even the most confident person, would feel the weight of comparison. But something important stands out in everything you wrote: your husband consistently reassures you, openly acknowledges the challenges, and is very clear that you are his lifelong partner. That kind of transparency and commitment isn’t something people just say lightly after two decades together.

It’s also worth remembering this: someone else being talented, beautiful, or exciting doesn’t reduce your value or your place in his life. You’re not “less interesting.” You’re the person he built a life with, the one who knows him more deeply than anyone else, the one he turns to with vulnerability. Long-term love has layers and strength that new relationships simply do not replace, they exist alongside them, not instead of them.

And please don’t dismiss yourself. Being “normal weight” or “average” doesn’t say anything about the connection, history, stability, and emotional safety you bring. You are not competing with anyone, you’re a pillar in your husband’s life, not a contestant in a beauty or excitement contest.
Your feelings are valid, and you’re not wrong for having them. But you are also so much more valuable, interesting, and loved than your worries are telling you. The fact that you’re approaching this with empathy toward his partner, rather than resentment, speaks volumes about your strength and your character.

You’re doing better than you give yourself credit for, and you’re not alone in what you’re feeling.
 
It feels like new relationship energy to me, he sounds a bit blinded. Have they seen each other for more than 1-2 years?

Like others said, all your feelings are valid. Maybe it's time for discussing about boundaries with him if you're no longer comfortable with how you feel in the relationship. Maybe he needs to give you more attention as well.

You don't have to suffer. I can't see how he wouldn't want to help you if you tell him how you feel in the same loving way you're telling us. Like others said, it's unacceptable to share that much about her, unless you'd be in a kitchen table setup, but even that. Is it really necessary to tell you how much he likes her?
 
I'm sorry this is happening like this.

Definitely read the "poly hell" article.

I just can never be in 2nd place. That would hurt so badly. 1st place, 2nd place... I know that is terrible of me to say, but that is how I feel right now.
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It's not terrible. It's human. You are clinging to the idea of a primary-secondary model, where you are the primary, because you don't want polyamory at all. You want monogamy. You want your marriage to be enough, and you shouldn’t have to compete emotionally with someone else for that.


It is just so hard the way he talks about her: "She and I have everything in common," "She is an amazing woman." And he talks about her all the time.
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This is where you get to say "Husband, I don't want to hear about you NRE for Lady. Tell Lady. I only want to know about our calendar and safer sex practices being used." (NRE = New Relationship Energy).

I also think this is where you get to tell husband, "I consider this open on BOTH sides. I don't want to date right now. But if I change my mind, I have the option to do so."

He might not like hearing that, but I think you could say it anyway, so this is fair on both sides. Right now, fe is asking you to do ALL the emotional labor of dealing with his poly dating, while he never has to do the same in the other direction. It's fresh.

And then he's going to do mushy-gushy about Lady at you? That is annoying and tone deaf.

Does he thinks he's got you so sewn up he can behave poorly at you and expects you to just take it?

My husband reassures me daily that I will always be his love for our lifetime, but I worry that she is such an amazing person that I will eventually not be interesting enough for him.
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Well, you are being realistic. Sometimes people do fall out of love and break up, even after decades together. You don't WANT to break up. But you make the plan for how you will cope should the occasion arise. Then you can be calm and handle it, either way.

Right now, from where I sit, I think if he admits he's a hypocrite about wanting to date but not wanting you to date? What if he's a hypocrite about you being the love of his lifetime then? Your trust in his word got shook up. And his NRE babble is also shaking you up.

From a practical perspective, if he's kind of phoning it in with you and taking you for granted, you might discover someone else treats you better and you like it. Is that why he doesn't want you dating, so you don't discover better elsewhere, so you don't raise the bar on your personal standards and start expecting him to treat you better too?

If you don't really want to be in a poly V, you might have to put a timeframe on this, that if this doesn't feel better by X date, you will bow out. Then he can keep going with this thing, and you can be free of it.

Your marriage vows were for monogamy. There's nothing wrong in wanting that. You can't MAKE him stick with the old deal if he doesn't want it anymore. You can't force him. That deal is over.

At the same time, he can't MAKE you sign up for some new deal called "polyamory" if you don't want it. He can't make you do things either.

I'm sorry you deal in this, though. It sounds super hard. :(

Galagirl
 
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