Monoamorous Male in love with polyamorous Female

[HelpNeeded]

This is my first post on such a forum and I'm not quite sure how this is all going to work or if I'm just going to end up venting, but here goes.

I recently starting to date this wonderful woman about 2 weeks ago and she makes me feel the happiest I've ever been, and I know that feels like a cliche and maybe things went too fast. I've just never felt like this with a woman before and she just feels so compatible. I've already fallen in love with her oh so quickly.

She currently has a husband, a boyfriend, a fwb, and me(boyfriend #2). I've never loved someone in more than one relationship. She tells me she loves to be loved and each person in her life gives her something she doesn't get from the others. And being strictly monoamorous to this point and only having monoamorous relationships as examples it's just hard to grasp the concept i guess. I just wish I could be her everything and meet all of her needs. She's told me that her marriage is more of an arranged marriage where the man wanted someone to keep company with and she needed someone with good health insurance, so I guess there is hopes for that as well.

I've also let her know how I feel about wanting a family and kids one day. And in my head would be confusing and probably not possible unless she were to leave her husband, but that isn't what i'm trying to force. Just want things to evolve naturally.

I don't think I could be polyamorous just because I usually only fall in love with one person and invest everything I have to give to that one person. This is just very emotional for me and I've not had to deal with something like this before. i'm not sure what to ask or what advice can be given.

I'm just afraid I'm going to hurt her or want too much of her time that she won't be able to give me. And I just don't know. I apologize for my ignorance on this topic and I guess every polyamorous relationship is different. I was just hoping on maybe some advice of people in similar situations.

 

[vinsanity0]

I've never been in that situation because I've never been truly monogamous. However, I'm getting a vibe from your post that I hope is wrong.

Do not go into this thinking she is somehow going to change. She's not going to become mono just.because you want a family. She's not going to realize all she needs is your love.

Lose the idea that you are "not enough". For a great many of us, enough is not really a concept.

At this point you should have no expectations because you have no real idea what poly is. Read and learn and ask us questions. You will get a variety of answers on any one topic because poly is different for everyone.

 

[ElMango]

Thank you for coming to the forums, hopefully we help you figure stuff out.

Not all relationships last forever; but thy can bring good into our lives regardless of their duration.

As Vinsanity said, don't go into this hoping she will change and become mono, or have children with you. This relationship is still very new, all of the emotions are very high and fresh and full of NRE.

This relationship could end completely, you both go your own ways.

It could grow into many different things.

Give it some thought, some time, and openly and honestly talk to her. But keep in mind she will not stop being poly for you. You must decide if functioning in some capacity inside a poly relationship will work for you.

 

[Evie]

At this stage I'd simply urge you not to demand too much of her time or attention. For goodness sake do not constantly text or call her. Love expands, time does not. Do her the courtesy of managing your own self when you are not with her or in a deliberate conversation with her. You wouldn't enjoy one of her other partners intruding on your time with her, don't be that guy.

On a positive note, remember that despite her already pretty full dance card, she has chosen you. She likes you. This is a great start. Enjoy getting to know her, ease up on the family planning

 

[GalaGirl]

I mean this kindly, ok?

She tells me she loves to be loved and each person in her life gives her something she doesn't get from the others.

So she wants/needs many loves and wants the things each one brings to the table. She does not want 1 love.

I just wish I could be her everything and meet all of her needs.

You want/need to be her 1 love.

You guys have mutually exclusive wants from the sound of it.

Not compatible.

I've also let her know how I feel about wanting a family and kids one day. And in my head would be confusing and probably not possible unless she were to leave her husband, but that isn't what i'm trying to force.

If you want/need marriage, she's already married. You aren't wanting to force a break up. So this is not the woman for you marriage wise either.

I don't think I could be polyamorous just because I usually only fall in love with one person and invest everything I have to give to that one person. This is just very emotional for me and I've not had to deal with something like this before.

You coudl decide you don't want to deal with it now, either. Could choose to part ways peacefully before you get even more attached. Esp since it's already so emotional for you just 2 weeks in.

Not everyone you date will be a long haul runner.

I'm just afraid I'm going to hurt her or want too much of her time that she won't be able to give me.

It's almost like you worry more about hurting her (when she's used to having more than one partner) than hurting yourself. Is that true?

If you are ok enjoying a short run knowing it isn't going to be a long run because of the incompatibilities? Like a summer romance or something? Date for a while and then part at the parting time. Enjoy it for what it is.

But if it is gonna tear you up doing that? Part ways sooner rather than later. Skip it.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello HelpNeeded,

There are a couple of things I can think of that might be going on here; one or both of them might be the case. First, there is the fact that we live in a very mononormative society. We are taught and trained and programmed to only want/idealize monogamy, and to fear/look down on nonmonogamy. You may be experiencing some of this social conditioning right now. The way you have been brought up is clanging a bell in your head and saying, "Oh no! This is nonmonogamy. A very very *bad* thing." It may take you awhile to overcome this conditioning. Time and exposure. You have not seen nonmonogamy before, not like this. It may take you awhile to get used to it.

Second, you may be internally hardwired for monogamy. Poly might not be in you, even if you can deprogram yourself. As for whether you can stand to be *in* a polyamorous arrangement, that depends on just how monogamous you are. If you are 75% monogamous (and 25% polyamorous), you may be able to stand a polyamorous arrangement even though it will take some effort. If you are 99% or 100% monogamous, you probably won't be happy (in the long run) having a poly partner. The fact that you are able to enjoy a poly relationship *right now* suggests that you may be a little bit less monogamous, like maybe 90%. (There is no "correct" percentage.)

Like the others, I suggest that you go ahead and enjoy this relationship for what it is right now, while not insisting that it be permanent. Your long-term wants/needs/goals/desires include marriage and children, and these are not things your current girlfriend can offer you. It is a very positive relationship for you right now, so there is no need to cut the ties immediately. But if you find yourself eventually feeling restless, don't try to force yourself to be in this relationship for life. In theory you could become poly yourself and continue dating her while marrying someone else, but you sound predominantly mono so as it stands, that is an unlikely possibility.

Hopefully the posts in this thread have been helpful to you so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.