Monogamous conditioning

Tulip said:
I wonder if anyone could help me address this bit of monogamous conditioning which I found expressed in the article below:

https://psiloveyou.xyz/why-polyamory-is-hard-for-me-60aece11dcad

Below are some of the quotes that are similar to how I feel, in the sense that I have been conditioned to feel like this and even though I can rationalize this to be false and really don't want to be held hostage to this conditioning, emotionally I still get these 'feelings' that this author is talking about.

"Men are told they are valuable when they sleep around. Women are told they are valuable when they find The One and keep them."

"Women are conditioned to aspire to having one committed partner. That makes us win, better, valuable, whatever. Our value is determined by our ability to “keep our man,” and there’s something degrading to that value in having a partner who sleeps with other people.

"It’s an embarrassment for me to say that my partner is out on a date with someone else. It feels like I’ve done something wrong, like I’m lesser, like I haven’t done my job right or he’d be by my side."

So this yes, I feel like if people find out they will think I am frigid, ugly or generally shit in some way and I know we shouldn't worry what people think but I cant seem to get the icky feelings to go away and its frustrating - how do you do it?
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Thanks for your honesty. Like all of us we have been brainwashed by a worldly system that doesn't work for the masses. To build a new house one first has to demolish the old one. Remember you are not your thoughts. Your thoughts unless renewed and transformed with conform to the values within the culture. Ask yourself why you believe those lies, and remember one of the golden rules in Poly.

"Dont make this about you"
 
Tulip said:
... Professor marston is now on my watchlist - thanks hedgehog!
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Hope you enjoy. One thing I should probably try to reinforce is the idea that polyamory is a term created by a woman to facilitate her freedom to love the way she feels is right for her. At it's heart it is therefore anti-patriarchal. It is also about emotional well being first. It is about changing the things the article expressed a dissatisfaction for.

However the writer of the article appears to have had a number of experiences where the real world of poly culture has clashed with poly ideals. I totally get this. My experience is that the poly community is deeply divided into warring cliques based largely on personal opinions. So for you to feel unsafe is perfectly justifiable. It can get nasty, particularly when polyamory is used as a tool to facilitate some self-serving sexual or power-based agenda.

Navigating this minefield is possible, but it can also put one at odds with different cliques, and sometimes and honest open discussion on all this isn't even possible. I really wish it was about belonging to one big family united by a universal love. Sadly, that's not the case in the real world. Depending on the situation, you can just as easily find yourself excommunicated as accepted. The best tools for navigating are to have patience, be well informed, listen more than you talk, and use your emotional and intellectual intelligence.
 
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I finally got around to reading the article in the OP. I do not feel as conditioned by the patriarchy as the author does. I have always rebelled against it. Yes, always. Even as a kid, I was outside the box as much as I could be. I just got more prickly about it, the older I got.

Maybe because I am and always have been non-binary and pansexual (of course, I didn't have words for this as a younger person. But that doesn't mean I wasn't those things). So the cis/het/mono expectations never held a real attraction for me.

But just because I am aware of the box and continually fight to stand outside it, does not mean it doesn't exist. And does not mean others, eg: men, even so called liberal leftie "woke" men, do not live inside it anyway. The below rings so true:

... getting laid as a ... woman is not hard. Finding love, partnership, commitment and, even rarer — genuine respect — that’s hard.

I can pretty much get laid whenever I want to, no strings attached. If I want strings, it’s like pulling teeth, and I’m deeply shamed for it both directly and indirectly. I’ve “caught feelings,” like a disease. I’m “trying to tie him down,” like a cattle rancher. I’m the problem. It’s shameful for me to want commitment and depth of care. If I want genuine respect for myself as a full person who encompasses more than a body? Forget it.

I don’t feel the need to have sex with more than one person, because chances are, I won’t receive love or respect from the new sexual connection — I’ll just get fucked and discarded. Yes, this goes for “woke” men just as much as bros. PSA Woke Boys: Y’all haven’t deconstructed shit.
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I do not quite relate to the part, "I don't feel the need to have sex with more than one person." I do love to have sex with more than one person. But I need appreciation and respect along with it. I don't want to be with a guy for one night, for several months, or even years, just to find out he really is deeply unconcerned with and uninterested in me as a person, especially once his NRE fades. He was only interested in me to get his rocks off. In the end, I was nothing more than a cum dumpster. My value, my talents, my compassion, my ideas as a person only enhanced my interest as a sex toy. Once he got his fill of my sex style, my other qualities were no longer of value.

I worry that men are listening to me because they want to fuck me, not because they’re interested in what I have to say. I worry they spend time with me because they want to fuck me, not because they authentically like my company.

I'm not opposed to polyamory. I'm just opposed to feeling unsafe.
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