Monogamous in a Polyamorous Relationship

[Reyzur]

Hello everyone,

I am looking for any advice regarding my situation. I also hope to provide enough history and detail to paint the larger picture for those so inclined to listen to my story.

My name is Ricky. I have been in a relationship with Jimmy since 2015. We were best friends for a few years before we decided to date. For the first 2 years of our dating relationship, we kept it hidden from our friends, who knew us as being best friends. We decided on this due to our dynamic of being best friends who argued often. This was our “safety net” should we end up not working out. During this time, we kept an open relationship. After 2 years, we finally told our friends that we were dating.

Two years into the relationship, Jimmy poses the idea of trying polyamory. I was not thrilled with the idea, but I was open to him seeing other guys. I let Jimmy know that I would remain monogamous. My own rules on the situation was that I did not want to know who the other person is, or what they did together. These rules were based on my own tendencies to be jealous. Jimmy dated a few guys here and there, but eventually stopped.

Three years into the relationship, Jimmy and I agree to tell our friends about our polyamorous relationship. One mutual friend, Mike, confessed interest to me and asked Jimmy permission to date me. Jimmy was open to it. This relationship ended half a year later.

Four years into the relationship (2019), Jimmy encourages me to give polyamory a try and date others. Despite my stance that I would prefer to remain monogamous, I gave it a try. Began dating Tai in the fall and I began experiencing new relationship energy (NRE).

Conflict:

• Jimmy is also interested in Tai. During a night event with friends, Jimmy took Tai outside for a chat. After the chat, Tai comes back inside and hugs me the remainder of the night. The next day, Jimmy tells me that he confessed interest to Tai. I began to cry and got upset as to how he could do such a thing. Jimmy is also upset at this point. Conclusion: Where I was open to a V-polycule, Jimmy is looking for a triad.
• Currently experiencing the NRE with Tai, while also enjoying the ORE with Jimmy. Deep down inside, however, I know that I am still monogamous inside. Jimmy is not open to being monogamous. What should I do?

Extras:

• 90% of our mutual friends think that the relationship between Jimmy and I isn’t going to last. My own best friends have been warning me from the start.
• Jimmy has underlying anger issues and PTSD among other things. I have become his “rock” and worry about what he would do without me. Plenty of red flags here. We both sought counseling separately.
• A mutual friend told me that Jimmy confessed his ulterior motive for pushing me to be polyamorous. It is in the hope that I find someone new and leave the relationship to be happy with someone else. I confronted Jimmy about this. Jimmy said that it was true, but that he also hopes that I would stay with him. He loves me and wants me to stay, but feels I would be happier with someone else.
• Jimmy and I are RDP, living together, and have mutual financial accounts.
• Jimmy and I have almost broken up 3 times now. The most recent argument was this past Sunday. I exclaimed, “We are not breaking up while we’re in a pandemic. If we break up, it’ll be with clear thoughts and not under the pressure of these times.”

 

[vinsanity0]

Hi. I'm confused. You say Jimmy dated, but he stopped. Does that mean he doesn't date anymore? Is Tai the only person he has shown interest in? Jimmy wanted you to be poly so you'd find someone else? That's pretty twisted. But now he wants you to stay? Other than your interest in Tai, you'd prefer monogamy? Why do you feel you have to do poly? Is it that you will have a problem with Jimmy dating again, if he does?

 

[Reyzur]

Hi. I'm confused. You say Jimmy dated, but he stopped. Does that mean he doesn't date anymore? Is Tai the only person he has shown interest in? Jimmy wanted you to be poly so you'd find someone else? That's pretty twisted. But now he wants you to stay? Other than your interest in Tai, you'd prefer monogamy? Why do you feel you have to do poly? Is it that you will have a problem with Jimmy dating again, if he does?

Q1&Q2 - Jimmy stopped dating for a bit due to work/school. During the past year, he's been on the dating scene, but no catch/bites, as far as I am aware.

Q3 - Of the people I attempted to date, yes. Including those that he has attempted to date, I don't know. He hasn't had much success as of late.

Q4 - That is what he's told me, yes. He goes back and forth with what he wants. Probably issues with self-esteem, but he's also very sarcastic. He's always talking about how I'm too good for him, that I should leave him, that I'm crazy for even being with him, etc. I've always brushed it off as self-esteem issues, and that I just need to be diligent in assuring him that I love him.

Q5 - I think so? I really like Tai at this point in time. I am just not sure where this is going to lead. I think I prefer monogamy. My jealousy is a big factor, maybe.

Q6&Q7 - I opened up to the idea of polyamory for Jimmy. I don't think I would mind him dating again. But I do have a problem with him going after Tai.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

Let me repeat back what I understand to make sure I get it right. You correct me if I get things wrong ok? I quote just to visually block it off.

PEOPLE

• You
• Jimmy, your BF.
• Tai, your other BF

BACKGROUND

• You and Jimmy argue lots – even when you were friends and not dating.
• Your best friends don't think it will last. It's been a tumultuous relationship.

RECENT PAST

• 2015-2017 – You and Jimmy start dating but hide it from friends as a safety net. It was an open relationship. (What safety net? Safe from what? Why hide your relationship for two years?)
• 2017 – You tell the friends you are dating. Jimmy suggests polyamory. You decline.
  • You are up for things being open relationship where Jimmy hooks up with other guys, but you don't want to hook up yourself.
  • You also don't want to know about his other sex partners.
  • (You later learned from a mutual friend that Jimmy confessed his ulterior motive for pushing you to be polyamorous is that Jimmy wants you to find a new person and break up with him. Jimmy later confessed this was true.)
• 2018 – You and Jimmy tell friends you practice polyamory now.
  • You start dating mutual friend Mike but the relationship with Mike ends after 6 mos.
• Fall 2019 – Jimmy wants you to give poly a try again and date others. You prefer monogamy, but hit it off with Tai.
  • Although you and Jimmy have been doing polyamory, you haven't been clear about agreements.
    • When Jimmy hits on Tai and wants to date him too? It leads to conflict between you and Jimmy.
    • Jimmy wants a triad. You do not want to triad.
    • You can deal with a V but still prefer monogamy.

PROBLEMS

• Deep down you prefer monogamy. You aren't doing it. (Why not?)
• Jimmy doesn't want to do monogamy so he's not compatible with what you want deep down. Although you and Jimmy argue a lot and have almost broken up 3 times, you don't actually break up. (Why not?)

TODAY

• Do you end it with Jimmy and be monogamous with Tai?
• End it with both and seek a monogamous partner who actually wants what you want?

PROBLEMS WITH BREAKING UP

• Jimmy and you are RDP, living together, and have mutual financial accounts. That takes time to untangle.
  
• You don't want to break up during a pandemic

So... where is your head right now?

Is it that you know you probably are best not dating Jimmy anymore but pandemic time and entangled finances and things make it a tough time to actually break up?

What's your desired outcome? Like set Jimmy and Tai aside for a moment... what's YOUR preference for your romantic life? What would you want?

You kinda sound like you have been going along with whatever with Jimmy just to get to date Jimmy when really what you prefer is monogamy -- loving just 1 sweetie, and being in a relationship shape where it is (you and your sweetie) and that's it. No other people.

Is that true?

Galagirl

 

[Reyzur]

Deep down you prefer monogamy. You aren't doing it. (Why not?)

I figured that I would be able to remain monogamous while he practiced polyamory, given the rule that I am not involved with his partners.

Jimmy doesn't want to do monogamy so he's not compatible with what you want deep down. Although you and Jimmy argue a lot and have almost broken up 3 times, you don't actually break up. (Why not?)

I keep telling myself that he will change and improve. He's made improvements over the years, just not quite there yet. I am also afraid of what he will do without me. He keeps mentioning how much he needs me and that no one else would deal with his ****.

So... where is your head right now?

I'm more and more inclined to leave. I've ignored the red flags long enough. Your "let me repeat back what I understand" was a real eye opener for me.

Is it that you know you probably are best not dating Jimmy anymore but pandemic time and entangled finances and things make it a tough time to actually break up?

Honestly, I know I would be fine. Our lease ends in 2 months and I can handle my own independence. I worry that he would quit school/everything and go home (or worse, suicide). The 2nd time we almost broke up, I gave him a 2nd chance to turn it around. He failed school that semester due to the stress of me almost ending it. The 3rd time, I feel like I would have been okay ending it. But if we were to end it, I wanted to be sure if was NOT due to the pandemic. I also may have a skewed sense of loyalty and "true to his word." When I said we would make it work, we will make it work.

What's your desired outcome? Like set Jimmy and Tai aside for a moment... what's YOUR preference for your romantic life? What would you want?

I have slowly figured out that I just want to have 1 person I can devote myself to. Someone who is my equal and just as independent and passionate about life as I can be.

You kinda sound like you have been going along with whatever with Jimmy just to get to date Jimmy when really what you prefer is monogamy -- loving just 1 sweetie, and being in a relationship shape where it is (you and your sweetie) and that's it. No other people.

Is that true?

This was the icing on the cake. I need to end the whole "I can compromise for anything/I can be open to anything" and get what I want.

Extra comment: We were planning on moving in with some friends at the end of our lease. One of the friends questioned me, "Just wondering how your guy's issues would affect possible cohabitating plans." This got me really thinking that if I'm going to make a change, I need to get the right timing.

 

[GalaGirl]

I mean this kindly, ok?

SHORT VERSION

To be honest? I think at the end of the 2 mos lease, you could break up and let it end since you seem to lean toward leaving.

Be ok with Jimmy learning to deal with himself. You do not exist to be his "life raft" -- that's no way to spend YOUR life. Like someone else's keeper or "constant prop him upper."

LONG VERSION

Probably issues with self-esteem, but he's also very sarcastic. He's always talking about how I'm too good for him, that I should leave him, that I'm crazy for even being with him, etc.

Ok, could BELIEVE him then. That he is not fit to date right now. So stop dating him.

If he is his own self bully? He needs to work that out with a therapist and get REALLY better. Not keep using you like a crutch while also dishing out hurtful words towards you and putting you down for staying and devaluing you. That takes a toll on YOUR mental health.

I've always brushed it off as self-esteem issues, and that I just need to be diligent in assuring him that I love him.

Why? It becomes like filling the never ending black hole and it becomes a drag for you. Like you try to fill his bucket and it never gets filled because he's the one punching holes in it.

I keep telling myself that he will change and improve. He's made improvements over the years, just not quite there yet.

Ok, so basically you can expect this to stay about the same. And you aren't happy here.

I am also afraid of what he will do without me. He keeps mentioning how much he needs me and that no one else would deal with his ****.

You do not have to be his enabler or emotional punching bag. Does it occur to you that is WHY he wants you hanging around? Because nobody else would put up with it? And since you do, then he doesn't ACTUALLY have to change anything or seek care? He can say he's gonna, but then not really?

What happened to his therapist? Is he still going?

I worry that he would quit school/everything and go home (or worse, suicide).

Well, if he quits school? He has to figure out what to do next.

If he goes home? He has to figure out what comes next.

If he is at risk for suicide? He could seek help and do something about it. You could point him to resources where you live like https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or others if his therapist is not helping or he's not wanting to be honest with his therapist.

Whatever his issues, you did not cause them, you cannot cure them, and if Jimmy himself is not going to take personal responsibility for himself, his care and well being? You are not obligated to. Could ask Jimmy to please take care of himself.

And you take care of you and leave.

I'm more and more inclined to leave. I've ignored the red flags long enough. Your "let me repeat back what I understand" was a real eye opener for me.

Could go ahead do what YOU want. You could leave so you can be free of all this. You encourage Jimmy to get professional help, and you leave. Because you are not professional help. And you have given it several years of a fair shake at it. And still nothing. So no point in going for more of the same merry-go-round ride.

I also may have a skewed sense of loyalty and "true to his word." When I said we would make it work, we will make it work.

You can only do your fair share of the work. If Jimmy is not doing his fair share of the work? Then "we" are not working on it.

It's just YOU trying to hold it all up by yourself. Trying to make a kite fly that just won't fly. Eventually you get tired of doing it. It sounds like you are there. Just coming to terms with it maybe.

Make peace that you have done all you could. You held up your end of the stick. But if Jimmy didn't do his fair share? That's on him, and that isn't your fault or your responsibility.

I have slowly figured out that I just want to have 1 person I can devote myself to. Someone who is my equal and just as independent and passionate about life as I can be.

Does Jimmy make the cut? Doesn't sound like it to me.

I encourage you to do some soul searching and thinking. With this lease ending in 2 mos, it's a chance at a fresh start. Maybe you want to take it?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Ricky,

It sounds like Jimmy wants a triad with you, Jimmy, and Tai. It kind of sounds like Tai is up for a triad too, but you do not want a triad. You would have settled for a V configuration, but what you really want is exclusive monogamy. Jimmy wants polyamory, both for himself and for you, and he wants a configuration that is incompatible with the kind of configuration you could accept. And you might be willing to have a mono/poly relationship, where you are monogamous but Jimmy is polyamorous, but Jimmy doesn't want that. He wants you to be polyamorous too. I think what I am trying to get at is that you and Jimmy have a nasty snarl of incompatibility tied around this mono/poly issue. You could be compatible in every other way, but you are not compatible in the mono/poly area. I don't see that changing in the future. I think it will cause a lot of friction and unhappiness in your life together.

It sounds like you are staying with Jimmy mostly to prevent Jimmy from doing something rash like committing suicide. For some perspective on this issue, read the Fable of the Bridge. At what point does your responsibility end? Can Jimmy get therapy? Can he be monogamous with you? Can he do so and be happy? Can you be happy if he is not happy? Are you really helping him by propping him up? What can he do to help himself, with your help? Can he learn to be stronger inside? Is he willing to learn to be stronger? How much does he rely on you? How does this dependence affect you? Does it stop you from pursuing the monogamous life you desire? Can you give Jimmy the triad he wants? Can you do that and be happy? Will Jimmy be happy if you are unhappy? What (if anything) are you willing to sacrifice?

It seems that Jimmy has left the choice in your hands.
I do sympathize.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

P.S. What's RDP?

 

[Magdlyn]

To be honest, I think at the end of the 2 months lease, you could break up and let it end, since you seem to be leaning toward leaving. Be OK with Jimmy learning to deal with himself. You do not exist to be his "life raft." That's no way to spend YOUR life, like someone else's keeper or "constant prop him upper."

You could BELIEVE him. He is not fit to date right now. So stop dating him. If he is his own self bully, he needs to work that out with a therapist and get REALLY better, not keep using you like a crutch while also dishing out hurtful words towards you , and putting you down for staying and devaluing yourself. That takes a toll on YOUR mental health.

It becomes like filling the never ending black hole, which is a drag for you. It's like you are trying to fill his bucket, but it never gets filled, because he's the one punching holes in it. Basically you can expect this to stay about the same. You aren't happy here.

You do not have to be his enabler or emotional punching bag. Does it occur to you that that is WHY he wants you hanging around, because nobody else would put up with it? And since you do, he doesn't ACTUALLY have to change anything or seek care. He can say he's going to, but then he doesn't.

What happened to his therapist, is he still going?

- If he quits school, he has to figure out what to do next.
- If he goes home, he has to figure out what comes next.
- If he is at risk for suicide, he could seek help and do something about it.

You could point him to resources where you live like https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or others, if his therapist is not helping, or he's not being honest with his therapist.

Whatever his issues, you did not cause them, and you cannot cure them. If Jimmy himself is not going to take personal responsibility for himself, his care and well being, you are not obligated to. You could ask Jimmy to please take care of himself.

And you could take care of yourself, and leave. You could go ahead and do what YOU want. You could leave so you can be free of all this. You could encourage Jimmy to get professional help, and then leave, because you are not professional help. You have given it several years of a fair shake at it, and still nothing improved. So there is no point in taking more of the same merry-go-round ride.

You can only do your fair share of the work. If Jimmy is not doing his fair share of the work, then "we" are not working on it. It's just YOU trying to hold it all up by yourself, trying to make a kite fly that just won't fly. Eventually you get tired of doing it. It sounds like you are there, just coming to terms with it, maybe.

Make peace with yourself that you have done all you could. You held up your end of the stick. But if Jimmy didn't do his fair share, that's on him, and that isn't your fault or your responsibility. Does Jimmy make the cut? It doesn't sound like it to me.

I encourage you to do some soul searching and thinking. With this lease ending in 2 months, it's a chance at a fresh start. Maybe you want to take it?

I just want to second this post. I was married to a guy with low self esteem. It stemmed from the way he was raised. He expressed himself using passive aggressive tactics. He felt unloved no matter how much I expressed my love, no matter what I did to show my love. We went to couples counseling with 3 different counselors over 3 decades, and nothing helped. He couldn't break out of his pit of feeling unworthy and "lesser than" anyone else in my life- our children, my friends, other family, even celebrities such as actors and musicians I liked.

It took a long time for me to leave. I thought it was my duty as a wife to "prop him up." But I finally was too unhappy and despite being 52, I broke up with him. I am so glad I did. I almost immediately found a much better partner, and we've been together 11 years now! I never knew what love really was until I got out of that soul sucking marriage.

 

[fuchka]

Vigorous nods to GalaGirl and Mags above. Good questions by Kevin too. (But I imagine they are more for you to think about... There's no expectation for you to answer them all on this thread.)

I just wanted to reiterate from my own experience, too, that there's a trap in being cast in the role of a rescuer - the Only Person who will put up with / support / understand someone.

Not sure about you, Ricky, but I have a tendency to take pride in that role sometimes. To feel like: YES, I can be the understanding one. I can be the rock for someone... to a point. But if I'm not careful, I entrench myself and - to some extent - my own self worth in being that rock. And it feels like I'm going against some principles or honour or commitment to back away from that role. Whereas it might actually be unhealthy for me to remain in that dynamic.

I especially liked this para from GalaGirl:

Make peace that you have done all you could. You held up your end of the stick. But if Jimmy didn't do his fair share? That's on him, and that isn't your fault or your responsibility.

Jimmy is setting up a twisted scenario where if you leave him he gets to pull an "I told you so" on you. I told you I was unlovable, that you'd prefer Tai, that you'd be better off without me, that you couldn't handle me. It makes him right about all the self-hatred and it hollows out the love you had and have for him. But that's his actions, his hollowing out. You've given him something whole. If you decide to break up, there's a good chance you'll need to keep remembering that, for your own healing.

Also, if Jimmy has directly or indirectly made you feel like leaving him would result in him killing himself, which would be on you - this is psychologically abusive to you. A possible mental health crisis for him triggered by you making a valid choice for yourself (to leave a relationship) would never be your fault. Leaving always has to be an option. Otherwise you're not in a relationship by choice.

 

[Reyzur]

GalaGirl - Thank you for your kind advice. Jimmy stopped seeing his therapist after the pandemic started. I encouraged him to make an appointment, even if it was a video conference, but he refuses to do so. The metaphor of the black hole is exactly what it feels like. I have expressed that to him as well, though I used the example of a vase with a hole at the bottom. You are right, I should not settle for being an emotional punching bag.

Kevin - RDP is registered domestic partners. Learned that term when filing taxes. Thank you for the story "The Fable of the Bridge". It really put things in perspective. Also appreciate all the rhetorical questions I need to ask myself.

Mags - Thank you for sharing and being open about yourself. I can't imagine allowing myself to go through this for so long.

fuchka - I am not sure if I consider myself to be a "rescuer" at heart, but I do take pride in saying, "But I can be!" (I am an achiever). I've always prided myself with, "I have loads of patience. I have self esteem. I can handle this." But I suppose just because "I can" doesn't mean "I should". Thank you on the reminder that I had done what I can, and I shouldn't forget that. I worry about the guilt I would have should something happen. I've had years of that fear. Jimmy is a veteran with PTSD and had been given suicide referrals for psychology/psychiatry. He refuses to go.

I spoke to a few friends yesterday as well. One of them mentioned, "Jimmy told me you left him for Tai back in February. He was pretty happy about it." Ugh, his sarcasm goes too far... I think I'm sure I want to end it, and this lease ending is a good chance. But I worry about my ability to carry through. I took him back the last time I tried to break up.

But also, when is a good chance to bring it up? It's only April 10. Final exams are May 11-15. Lease ends in June. I want to do it after final exams so prevent him from failing again. But I also feel that if I'd made up my mind, I should do it now. I'd also want him to have enough time to figure out his housing situation. I am almost certain he will quit everything and go home, but in the off chance that he stays to complete school, he's going to need to find a place. Part of me also wants to wait until the next inevitable argument. When his sarcasm comes up (We should break up. You should go be with Tai), I would just agree with him rather than my usual rebuttal (No, we will make this work).

 

[FallenAngelina]

I worry about the guilt I would have should something happen. I've had years of that fear. Jimmy is a veteran with PTSD and had been given suicide referrals for psychology/psychiatry. He refuses to go.

I was engaged to a bright young man who did commit suicide. Jimmy's PTSD and suicidal thinking is his and there is absolutely nothing that you can or should spare him. You cannot save him from himself with your herculean support. It just cannot be done. The role of the white knight is awfully seductive and intoxicating - and if you have been struggling for years with the fear of guilt, then you've definitely got some white knighting going on. Jimmy's PTSD stuff is his. Your codependent "strong one" issue is yours. Individuals cannot save one another from themselves. Try it. Can't be done. When sustained positive change happens, it is always because the individual worked on him/herself. The best support is not propping or even "being there," but confidence in your partner that he can do his own work.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Ricky,

Thanks for the info on RDP. It sounds like my post was helpful to you, that is good to hear. Jimmy has a certain amount of responsibility for his own well-being, he needs to go to those suicide referrals for psychology/psychiatry. If he doesn't go, then he is responsible for that decision and its consequences. And you can still be his friend even if you break up with him. But that has to be your decision, I can only make suggestions. Good luck and I hope you'll keep us posted on things.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I worry about the guilt I would have should something happen. I've had years of that fear. Jimmy is a veteran with PTSD and had been given suicide referrals for psychology/psychiatry. He refuses to go.

If Jimmy refuses to go despite referrals and refuses to see his therapist over teleconference? That is HIS choice and HIS doing. It is nothing you did or can do or can change. He needs professional care to help him if/when he's willing to do the work and you are not it. And if he refuses professional care? It's not your job to be his life raft. You cannot MAKE him be willing.

Don't get so caught up in a possible future outcome that you get paralyzed in the present. (If it DID happen? You could get help with your survivor guilt should that come to pass.)

I don't know how far the RDP rights go. But since you want to leave, and not get MORE entangled with Jimmy? Leave it to his family to sort out. You could call his next of kin and alert them.

I spoke to a few friends yesterday as well. One of them mentioned, "Jimmy told me you left him for Tai back in February. He was pretty happy about it." Ugh, his sarcasm goes too far... I think I'm sure I want to end it, and this lease ending is a good chance. But I worry about my ability to carry through. I took him back the last time I tried to break up.

That sounds messed up.

Don't take him back. If you know he plays on your heart strings and you fall for it? It has to be just total break up then. It cannot be "exes and good friends" if he's going hoover you back in.

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/hoovering

But also, when is a good chance to bring it up? It's only April 10. Final exams are May 11-15. Lease ends in June. I want to do it after final exams so prevent him from failing again. But I also feel that if I'd made up my mind, I should do it now. I'd also want him to have enough time to figure out his housing situation. I am almost certain he will quit everything and go home, but in the off chance that he stays to complete school, he's going to need to find a place.

Could tell him now and let the chips fall where they may. If he almost failed before and didn't do the work now? Then he's gonna fail whether you are there or not. If he DID do his work? Then he should be fine with a break up because exams are a whole month out. Don't let him blame shift his poor academics on to you. His school is his job to be doing. Not yours.

He can also get it together and decide things. (He can find his next place to live and keep on with school) or (he can quit school and go home). Again, HIS choices to make. Nothing to do with you.

Be ok with him choosing his stuff for himself. Even if you wouldn't pick what he picks? Not your choice to make. HIS choices are HIS to make.

You making your choice to take care of YOU, is not you hurting HIM. It is not abandoning him or being mean to him. That is expecting you and him to each behave like an adult and make your own choices for yourselves.

Part of me also wants to wait until the next inevitable argument. When his sarcasm comes up (We should break up. You should go be with Tai), I would just agree with him rather than my usual rebuttal (No, we will make this work).

Could do that also. Up to you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. No break up is FUN. I do think if it has to come to a break up? Parting ways clean, quick, and respectfully as possible is the way to go. Better to linger in the healing place than in the dragging it out on and on and on space.

Galagirl

 

[fuchka]

Oooh yeah, I've got a "achiever" thing going on too, which is what can catch me in these dynamics. So perhaps we are similar on that front. I enjoy being capable, able to cope. Anyway, that's just my stuff that I've had to work through in relationships. You certainly have something keeping you in this structure, and your own therapy and/or personal reflection might help you unravel this and where it's coming from.

Re breakup timing, based on what you said I would wait for finals to be over if possible. The breakup and moving house may be unavoidable. Advance warning might help a little but is it worth jeopardising exams over? Or just add another difficulty to the mix? Regardless, I would avoid myself getting entangled in a further lease so I'd prioritise that. Where I live, tenants would need to give some notice of vacating a lease before the end date, and if we don't give the landlord notice, a fixed term lease automatically becomes a month-to-month thing on its end date. (We don't just move out by default). In your situation I'd make sure I use this lease ending to untangle myself, as GalaGirl suggested. So whatever it took to achieve that, while being as compassionate as possible to Jimmy given finals and him needing to find a new place too.

Questions around timing when to breakup shouldn't impact your decision, though. Thinking can get fuzzy when you mix up the two issues. There might not be a good time to do it. There might not even be a less bad time to do it. But if you need to do it, it has to be done. You do your best.

 

[Magdlyn]

More info on "White Knight Syndrome." Just ignore the attempts at explaining how both genders in a MF relationship might act.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-...me-playing-the-rescuer-in-your-relationships/