I have been in a situationship that I could really use some advice on. To start, me and my partner matched online exactly 2 years ago in September. We didn't go on our first date until November and we really clicked instantly. He asked me to be his girlfriend in February and we remained monogamous for a full year and some change.
In October of last year, I expressed feelings of regret, an emptiness concerning my sexuality as a pansexual woman, and seeking experiences and connections with other women, so proposed having an open relationship. We laid down a few boundaries, but now reflecting on it, didn't lay down enough boundaries, expectations, and comfort levels and how often we should revisit those conversations, as our thoughts and feelings changed over time.
The open relationship was very one-sided, in the sense that I started seeking different people to meet and go on dates with. Inevitably, over the course of six months, I have a partner now, with a few dates under my belt. But overall our communication was great and our relationship was thriving in every way.
Seeing that this was our first experience with trying anything other than monogamy, there was inevitable jealousy and frustration. That only came when I asked about just hanging out with an old high school friend. (He and I had done theater together in high school some years back.)
Admittedly, I wasn't being attentive to his intrusive thoughts and expressions of jealousy from the dates with my friend, which over time left a bad impression on him and turned into resentment and anger.
In combination with his cis friends hounding him to try to meet someone, he made the plunge. So at that point we were 6 months in. I have one partner and my friend who just enjoys spending time with me. He, on the other hand, wasn't doing anything other then messaging one women here through text, as well as actively looking in dating apps, but overall, not taking things too seriously, which was emotionally manageable for me. But soon, over the course of a month, things moved very quickly (at least from my perspective) from texting. A week later they met and had dinner, skip a week and they are now meeting at his place, skip another week to finally proposing sex.
The transition from "She's only a friend; I am not interested in sex with her," to "I have her paperwork and we are going to be sleeping with each other our next meeting," was very jarring and fast for me. Of course, considering this was my first experience going through those feelings, I wasn't showing my best colors and was consistently having intrusive thoughts and bouts of anger/sadness over the jealousy I was experiencing. After the initial meeting, they proceeded to have sex another 3 times over the course of a month and half, before we reached an emotional breaking point.
The consistent neglect and disregard for my feelings was at this point being done out of spite and jealousy because of the negative thoughts he was having still. He basically told me because of my disregard of his feelings, and the fear of him losing me to a woman, he felt that finally going through with it could possibly push down those feelings. But rather then a supportive and reassuring approach after he started, what I actually received was reassurance one moment, but then, in the same breath, because he was tired of seeing me cry and be in distress would tell me to "Just deal with it," "This is something you'll have to get over on your own."
After a month and a half me breaking down crying far too often, and the dynamic placing strain on our connection and overall relationship, he decided to cut off his partner for good. But that same night he gave me an ultimatum of choosing him or one of my partners (with which I had built a genuine connection at this point, being months and months in). This choice felt extremely unfair and heartbreaking, considering I told him from the very beginning that this was what I wanted. It felt unfair for him to make me choose.
I never gave a direct response, but he could tell I didn't want to choose, and this set him off, because it felt like I was choosing her over him. Since then, we have been in limbo. We are not dating publicly, but still spending most of our days together going on dates, and overall moving as if things haven’t changed. But because of all of the mental and emotional stress from a month and a half of crying and consistent heated arguments. as well as him admitting that he used a whole person as a weapon to get back at me because I wasn't being attentive to his feelings regarding the man, as well as maliciously detailing his sexual experiences with her and actively telling me the things that get him off that I just can't do for him (he would always say women didn't threaten him but men were a different story), I haven't felt the spark or wanted to sleep with him or my partner. It's been 3 months since then and I haven't hardly had sex with either of them because of how romantically and emotionally disconnected I've been feeling from my primary relationship.
The crossroads I am at right now is simply deciding if the trauma I felt for so long has left too much of a wound for me to try again with him. He expressed about 2 weeks ago that he is only interested in a polyamorous relationship with me as his primary partner that he would build a life with and marry, but also have other connections, sexual or not.
In theory, this sounds like exactly what I want right now, because of my yearning feelings of exploration and meeting different people, as well as the life stage I am at, being 24. But because I was never properly reassured or validated, and given time to adjust to the changes and feelings (mind you, he was coping for months, while I only had 3 weeks), I am still struggling with the insecurity and jealousy. But I know I can grow from this. It's just that I am afraid, to say the least.
When I hurt, I hurt deeply, especially when it's from the people who say they care for and love me. I am struggling with my decision because I want things to be done right this time, but I am afraid of the same outcome.
I have fears that I'll get hurt again, even though he has expressed to me the things we will actively do better and has apologized for what was done and said over that period.
So tell me-- what do you guys think?
In October of last year, I expressed feelings of regret, an emptiness concerning my sexuality as a pansexual woman, and seeking experiences and connections with other women, so proposed having an open relationship. We laid down a few boundaries, but now reflecting on it, didn't lay down enough boundaries, expectations, and comfort levels and how often we should revisit those conversations, as our thoughts and feelings changed over time.
The open relationship was very one-sided, in the sense that I started seeking different people to meet and go on dates with. Inevitably, over the course of six months, I have a partner now, with a few dates under my belt. But overall our communication was great and our relationship was thriving in every way.
Seeing that this was our first experience with trying anything other than monogamy, there was inevitable jealousy and frustration. That only came when I asked about just hanging out with an old high school friend. (He and I had done theater together in high school some years back.)
Admittedly, I wasn't being attentive to his intrusive thoughts and expressions of jealousy from the dates with my friend, which over time left a bad impression on him and turned into resentment and anger.
In combination with his cis friends hounding him to try to meet someone, he made the plunge. So at that point we were 6 months in. I have one partner and my friend who just enjoys spending time with me. He, on the other hand, wasn't doing anything other then messaging one women here through text, as well as actively looking in dating apps, but overall, not taking things too seriously, which was emotionally manageable for me. But soon, over the course of a month, things moved very quickly (at least from my perspective) from texting. A week later they met and had dinner, skip a week and they are now meeting at his place, skip another week to finally proposing sex.
The transition from "She's only a friend; I am not interested in sex with her," to "I have her paperwork and we are going to be sleeping with each other our next meeting," was very jarring and fast for me. Of course, considering this was my first experience going through those feelings, I wasn't showing my best colors and was consistently having intrusive thoughts and bouts of anger/sadness over the jealousy I was experiencing. After the initial meeting, they proceeded to have sex another 3 times over the course of a month and half, before we reached an emotional breaking point.
The consistent neglect and disregard for my feelings was at this point being done out of spite and jealousy because of the negative thoughts he was having still. He basically told me because of my disregard of his feelings, and the fear of him losing me to a woman, he felt that finally going through with it could possibly push down those feelings. But rather then a supportive and reassuring approach after he started, what I actually received was reassurance one moment, but then, in the same breath, because he was tired of seeing me cry and be in distress would tell me to "Just deal with it," "This is something you'll have to get over on your own."
After a month and a half me breaking down crying far too often, and the dynamic placing strain on our connection and overall relationship, he decided to cut off his partner for good. But that same night he gave me an ultimatum of choosing him or one of my partners (with which I had built a genuine connection at this point, being months and months in). This choice felt extremely unfair and heartbreaking, considering I told him from the very beginning that this was what I wanted. It felt unfair for him to make me choose.
I never gave a direct response, but he could tell I didn't want to choose, and this set him off, because it felt like I was choosing her over him. Since then, we have been in limbo. We are not dating publicly, but still spending most of our days together going on dates, and overall moving as if things haven’t changed. But because of all of the mental and emotional stress from a month and a half of crying and consistent heated arguments. as well as him admitting that he used a whole person as a weapon to get back at me because I wasn't being attentive to his feelings regarding the man, as well as maliciously detailing his sexual experiences with her and actively telling me the things that get him off that I just can't do for him (he would always say women didn't threaten him but men were a different story), I haven't felt the spark or wanted to sleep with him or my partner. It's been 3 months since then and I haven't hardly had sex with either of them because of how romantically and emotionally disconnected I've been feeling from my primary relationship.
The crossroads I am at right now is simply deciding if the trauma I felt for so long has left too much of a wound for me to try again with him. He expressed about 2 weeks ago that he is only interested in a polyamorous relationship with me as his primary partner that he would build a life with and marry, but also have other connections, sexual or not.
In theory, this sounds like exactly what I want right now, because of my yearning feelings of exploration and meeting different people, as well as the life stage I am at, being 24. But because I was never properly reassured or validated, and given time to adjust to the changes and feelings (mind you, he was coping for months, while I only had 3 weeks), I am still struggling with the insecurity and jealousy. But I know I can grow from this. It's just that I am afraid, to say the least.
When I hurt, I hurt deeply, especially when it's from the people who say they care for and love me. I am struggling with my decision because I want things to be done right this time, but I am afraid of the same outcome.
I have fears that I'll get hurt again, even though he has expressed to me the things we will actively do better and has apologized for what was done and said over that period.
So tell me-- what do you guys think?
