Moody

[BathedInSalt]

I get in these moods where I know I'm motivated by fear of being hurt by heartbreak.

It shows up as a need for reassurance, that need makes me feel "needy" and I hate it. I'm a strong independent woman dammit, I don't "need" anything from anyone- except that I do, I need hugs and someone to tell me it's all gonna be ok- once in a while.

I need verbal and physical reassurance to feel really secure again.

That reassurance is driven by insecurity (I'm not good enough)

That insecurity is driven by the fear of heartbreak.

I know I am damn well good enough.
I know heartbreak won't kill me, but it sure hurts a ton.

I'm not sure what to do about the reassurance, I need a new perspective here.
I can't expect a partner just to provide the perfect level of reassurance that I need overnight. It's take years to express my needs to Dean.

This moodiness shows up whenever things start to get real in my heart and mind about a relationship.
I'm already scared of an end I am nowhere near.

I'd like to stop this cycle.

Have any of you experienced anything like this before?
Have any pointers?
I should mention that as I age my generalized anxiety has increased and part of that is at play here. Worry. Anxiety.

I'm telling myself that I'm ok asking for my needs to be met, not to place a value judgement on them, but when will that actually sink in?

I also had a bit of insomnia tonight, working on 2 hrs of sleep with a full day of work ahead of me that starts in an hour. I understand this plays a role.

Thank you in advance.

 

[PhoenixStGeorge]

I suffer from sometimes mentally disruptive insecurities, too. I am most confident at work and at sex parties, two places where I know I do a very "good job", as it were. But I require a lot of support from my partners, which often feels like too much to ask, and in fairness, I think is.

(I should mention I'm battling a good few mental issues, I see a therapist, psychologist, acupuncturist, and am on meds for "mood leveling," as no one gives me a diagnosis on that one, though it's prescribed for BPD, and depression.). My mental problems have been catastrophic in the past year, for the first time in my life. I'm 35.)

Hy husband, too, had quite a learning curve when it came to truly understanding where my insecurities come from and how to help me when they arise. When my GF and I have communication trouble, he is instrumental in helping explain to here some of my conflict or crazy in ways that I can't. He gives me great wingman advice too.

It's a lot to ask but he's happy to do that. It feeds his joy in helping both of us have more love and pleasure in our lives. Truly compersive for all things. And I am forever working on needing him less for that. He says "I knew what I was getting into." and I say "yeah, you didn't know i'm this crazy." And he smiles, hugs and kisses me, and I feel a bit better. I always feel better with a hug from him.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle with inner conflict right now. I don't know if any of this could help you any. Perhaps seeing a different POV on this stuff helps some.

I have anxiety. I deal with it by just being business like about things. Some things I cannot help. Like hurricanes blowing through. Lots of stress. But I do not control weather.

Some things I CAN help. I'm not going to spend a lot of time doing internal agonizing cranking up optional stress. Why do this to myself? I rather skip it.

I also had a bit of insomnia tonight, working on 2 hrs of sleep with a full day of work ahead of me that starts in an hour. I understand this plays a role.

If I saw that coming up on my work schedule? Knowing that I get all stressy and prone to overthinking/anxiety if I don't get good quality sleep? I'd plan ahead to GET that sleep. And I'd simplify all tasks. Pizza for dinner on paper plates so I don't have to cook or do dishes. Let some things GO to make space for some yoga and "help me sleep" activities. From changing my schedule, to take some chamomile tea or even sleep meds.

I need hugs and someone to tell me it's all gonna be ok- once in a while.

Nothing wrong with that. We all have that need.

When I feel low I ask spouse for a hug. It's fair. When he's low, he asks me for one.

You seem to accept that sometimes you just need a hug once in a while.

So why make it bigger than it has to be? Ask for what you need and go get help. There. Hug. Get to feel better.

Sooner or later someone will ask you for something. And you can take a turn being the helper then. You cannot always be the helper person and never the recipient. Why hog all the helper turns?

I'm a strong independent woman dammit, I don't "need" anything from anyone- except that I do, I need hugs and someone to tell me it's all gonna be ok- once in a while.

Two things....

1) Why do you talk to yourself like scolding or chastizing? Why the "dammit?"

2) Why is "independent" the goal at this stage of your life?

To me it is little kids who are all "I want to do it by myself!" That's age appropriate then. They start out dependent. Then move on to independent. Learning to walk by themselves, tie their own shoes, and all that.

But as adults, don't we outgrow that "do it all myself?" phase? Couldn't we change the goal to becoming a strong, healthy, interdependent person? Someone who contributes things to the bigger world in exchange for the things you receive from the world?

Is that not a fair bargain to you?

Even the most "independent" living person still needs people somewhere. I don't do my own dentistry. I take the car in to the mechanic when it clunks. Some farmer somewhere grows the food I buy to eat. Some worker make the clothes and shoes I buy to wear too. Through my work and volunteering I give things to the world that others need and use.

So fair enough. Sometimes I need the things. Sometimes someone else does.

Nobody is being a "big needy baby" or anything. We are all productive adults living in in interdependent society. It's just Life.

I'm telling myself that I'm ok asking for my needs to be met, not to place a value judgement on them, but when will that actually sink in?

When you DO what you say. Rather than just SAY what you say.

When you notice you have a need and just go ask for help with it. Without taking the side head trip.

Or you have the side head trip... and ask for what you need ANYWAY. Working THROUGH it even though initially uncomfortable so eventually you can just do it without taking the side head trip. If right now, you have to spend 3 days doing head trip before you go ask for what you need? Fine. Next time try for less. Maybe 2 days. Then maybe 1 day. Then maybe half a day. Be ok being a person in progress. Keep moving it forward so eventually the "time in the middle" doing head trip shrinks and you can just notice you need something and then you go ask.

When I need a hug? I ask spouse. I don't agonize over it. I don't label it things like "needy, or not independent enough" or whatever. I feel low? I need hug? I ask for one.

When he needs one? He asks me.

I think that's a fair enough trade in our interdependent relationship. I suppose you could ask yourself what is unfair about having a deal like that with your partners. Is that not what you want eventually? Mutual support and understanding?

This moodiness shows up whenever things start to get real in my heart and mind about a relationship.
I'm already scared of an end I am nowhere near.

I'd like to stop this cycle.

Then why are you busy telling yourself that you cannot cope? Should things end? Yeah, break ups hurt.

You have a choice about what you tell yourself about break ups.

1) "That would stink! Ack! I will not be able to cope!" So you fuel the fear, the head side trips, the agonizing, the unwillingness to reveal vulnerability to a partner, etc.

2) "That would stink! But I'll cope if/when that happens. I can handle the things that happen in my Life." So you fuel stability and calm and taking things as they come, one thing at a time.

Which one do you want to be fueling?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

I have to say, there are times when anxiety gets to be so severe that I can't stand it, and I don't know what would help. I take Zyprexa which helps overall, but it does not take the edge off of the worst of it. Just saying I know how it is ...