More of me trying to understand
- Thread starter Lostbasil
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River
Well-known member
Okay, I see you've posted elsewhere, but before reading your previous posts I thought I'd just respond to this one in abstraction from the others which I have not yet read. Maybe, then, I'll get more backstory by having a look at the others.
"If he says to me that I am the love of his life, then why does he need to continue to form new relationships?"
I don't know anything about him, so I cannot answer that question. I can say that many poly folk are simply capable of fully and deeply loving more than one person simultaneously. Most of us poly folk don't buy into the notion that a love shared with another is a love divided -- as in the case of pie or cake or a sandwich. In other words, most of us poly folk, in opening ourselves to loving others, are not offering less love to our established partner/s. In fact, for some of us, by opening our love to another we are simply opening our ability and capacity for loving -- which very likely would spill over to whomever is already an established partner.
Some of us also -- very basically speaking -- have a need to love others and not just one romantic partner. Probably especially after a relationship has been solidly established and is solid, grounded, healthy ... on its legs, so to speak. For some of us, the phrase "variety is the spice of life" applies to loving relationships, too. It's not that one relationship is insufficient. It's just that a strong loving relationship -- for some of us -- feels like a strong basis for reaching out and making other connections and bonds as well.
I could go on, but why write an essay? I can do the back-and-forth thing instead.
Any questions?
I understand why you struggle with that, Lostbasil.
But another way to look at it... if you're the love of his life, why does he need friends? Why does he need coworkers? Why does he need family members?
I get that to many people, romantic relationships aren't the same as other types of relationships, but they are all still relationships. Connections with other human beings.
You're the love of his life. If someone said that to me, I would take it to mean they have deeper feelings for me than they've had for others, and possibly that if they wanted to have a full life with someone (cohabiting, entangling finances, etc.), I would be the one with whom they would most likely do that. But that wouldn't preclude him having feelings for others. Only that I'm at a different level in his mind and heart than those others.
Sometimes it just doesn't make sense. A few weeks after S2 broke up with me and embarked on his new relationship with someone else, he told me I'm the closest he's ever found to a soul mate. But he ended the romantic and sexual parts of our relationship back in May, and then ended everything with me, including most aspects of our friendship, for this other woman. He said that to me two months ago, and I've only seen him once since then, for about a minute and a half so he could return my laptop computer. If I'm his soul mate, why doesn't he talk to me? (Answer: Because it pissed off his girlfriend.)
But another way to look at it... if you're the love of his life, why does he need friends? Why does he need coworkers? Why does he need family members?
I get that to many people, romantic relationships aren't the same as other types of relationships, but they are all still relationships. Connections with other human beings.
You're the love of his life. If someone said that to me, I would take it to mean they have deeper feelings for me than they've had for others, and possibly that if they wanted to have a full life with someone (cohabiting, entangling finances, etc.), I would be the one with whom they would most likely do that. But that wouldn't preclude him having feelings for others. Only that I'm at a different level in his mind and heart than those others.
Sometimes it just doesn't make sense. A few weeks after S2 broke up with me and embarked on his new relationship with someone else, he told me I'm the closest he's ever found to a soul mate. But he ended the romantic and sexual parts of our relationship back in May, and then ended everything with me, including most aspects of our friendship, for this other woman. He said that to me two months ago, and I've only seen him once since then, for about a minute and a half so he could return my laptop computer. If I'm his soul mate, why doesn't he talk to me? (Answer: Because it pissed off his girlfriend.)
Yes, it is. It's very difficult to shake the mindset of "He's replacing me" in favor of thinking "He's keeping me even if he adds others." But that's pretty much how it works for polyamorous people. They don't try to replace people, because it's impossible to replace anyone. They just enjoy connections with more than one person.
When I started polyamory-ing, my boyfriend Guy was primarily a long-distance partner. Because of that, and because they were sort of friends, Hubby didn't have a problem with Guy. When I started seeing S2, though, I was involved with someone who lives near enough for me to see him at least once or twice a week, and that was difficult for Hubby to wrap his head around at first.
What helped him was when I said "You aren't more important than him. He isn't more important than you. You're both important to me in different ways." As a bit more time went on, Hubby recognized that with S2, I was able to have needs/wants met that Hubby was unable or unwilling to meet, such as going to parties, taking long drives, and cuddling on the couch watching TV. All things S2 greatly enjoyed doing, and that I enjoy, that Hubby flat out refuses to even consider doing. Likewise now, with Woody...Woody has a wide social network. I want to have more friends. Hubby doesn't know anyone except me and the guys he works with, and prefers it that way. Woody helps me to meet my need to widen my own social network, because that's something Hubby is unable to do.
But Hubby is able to talk me down from PTSD meltdowns and flashbacks. He's able to read my body language to know how I'm responding to something sexual, sometimes even before *I* know. He has taken the time to learn what PTSD, anxiety, and depression look like for me, and to learn how to help me when those things impact me. Most importantly, Hubby is the one with whom my life is fully entangled; he works, sometimes two jobs, to take care of my kids and me because I am unable to work. Those are things he gives me that no other partner would be able--or probably willing--to do.
No one person can be EVERYTHING to someone else. But everyone brings something unique and different to each person in their life. There might be things you aren't able to give your partner that another partner can give him. But on the other hand, there are unquestionably things you bring to him that no other partner could, and that's why he wouldn't replace you.
When I started polyamory-ing, my boyfriend Guy was primarily a long-distance partner. Because of that, and because they were sort of friends, Hubby didn't have a problem with Guy. When I started seeing S2, though, I was involved with someone who lives near enough for me to see him at least once or twice a week, and that was difficult for Hubby to wrap his head around at first.
What helped him was when I said "You aren't more important than him. He isn't more important than you. You're both important to me in different ways." As a bit more time went on, Hubby recognized that with S2, I was able to have needs/wants met that Hubby was unable or unwilling to meet, such as going to parties, taking long drives, and cuddling on the couch watching TV. All things S2 greatly enjoyed doing, and that I enjoy, that Hubby flat out refuses to even consider doing. Likewise now, with Woody...Woody has a wide social network. I want to have more friends. Hubby doesn't know anyone except me and the guys he works with, and prefers it that way. Woody helps me to meet my need to widen my own social network, because that's something Hubby is unable to do.
But Hubby is able to talk me down from PTSD meltdowns and flashbacks. He's able to read my body language to know how I'm responding to something sexual, sometimes even before *I* know. He has taken the time to learn what PTSD, anxiety, and depression look like for me, and to learn how to help me when those things impact me. Most importantly, Hubby is the one with whom my life is fully entangled; he works, sometimes two jobs, to take care of my kids and me because I am unable to work. Those are things he gives me that no other partner would be able--or probably willing--to do.
No one person can be EVERYTHING to someone else. But everyone brings something unique and different to each person in their life. There might be things you aren't able to give your partner that another partner can give him. But on the other hand, there are unquestionably things you bring to him that no other partner could, and that's why he wouldn't replace you.
PinkPig
Well-known member
Have you asked him this question? I don't think I'm hard-wired for poly in that I don't have a deep desire to have multiple partners (unlike my partner, Blue, who does have that desire.) But, I've also been in a functional triad where I deeply cared for two people simultaneously so I know I do have the capacity to love multiple people. (And I had an emotional/romantic but non-sexual relationship during my marriage that did not detract from my love for my then husband.) The best way I can describe it from my limited experience is that it's love multiplied, not divided. Loving Snow did not detract from my love for Blue. In many ways, it amplified my love because there's just something about seeing/feeling the love between them grow while my love for each of them grew.
What I can tell you is that the desire to love others does not diminish the desire to love the one. If poly were a math equation, the equation would be one of exponentials, not one of subtraction or division. More love begets more love
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River
Well-known member
More love begets more love
I've experienced this as true, though never in such a way as to have ever had two (or more) simultaneous loverly relationships which were solidly, maturely developed.
The other person (apart from my long term partner) always bails out before that happens.
Sometimes I think I'll grow old and die before anyone else will come into my life in a "romantic" relationship. And I have a look at the "emoticons" to the right of my screen as I type and consider putting up a
... but that won't work. Nor will a or a or a ... or even a or a or a ... nor even a or a or a .It makes no sense to be sad for very long, nor angry or hurt. So I'll just do my best to remain open -- and loving.
Why can't the blind guy see? Cuz he's blind.
Why can't the deaf guy hear? Cuz he's deaf.
Why does the BF want more relationships? Because the BF wants more relationships.
You could stop digging so deep into it like YOU are not enough somehow. You are totally enough.
If he wants to bake cookies with LostBasil, baking cookies with HelloRosemary is not the same. It's baking cookies with HelloRosemary. It is NOT LostBasil. People are not interchangeable like spatulas or cookie sheets. You are unique persons. Nowhere in the world can he get baking cookies with LostBasil than with you.
What do you need from you to make peace with that worry so you can let it go?
What do you need from him to make peace with it and let it go? To change his phrasing to "I love you" rather than this "you are the love of my life" phrasing because it is trigger-y?
Galagirl
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River
Well-known member
Have you asked him this question?
I don't have to ask him. I know his reasons, but I still can't understand them.
I'm jealous and possessive and I hate that I am. But I love him.
What I need from me: to stop feeling so possessive and jealous.
What I need from him: nothing more than he's already given and shown me.
I believe feelings ensue after behavior. (doing or thinking)
What are you doing/thinking right before the possessive and jealous feelings pop up?
Could any of the page 5 or 6 things help?
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
So... when he says triggery things you are not going to ask him to say it differently so it does not trigger?
Galagirl
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I can see the trouble that would brew from a poly person telling a mono person a hierarchial phrase like "you are the love of my life".
Might as well say:
"I'm going to live in a way that undermines everything you rely on for relationship stability. I'm going to do it in pursuit of associations that will matter much less to me."
Might as well say:
"I'm going to live in a way that undermines everything you rely on for relationship stability. I'm going to do it in pursuit of associations that will matter much less to me."
The feelings pop up when I think of him with another women. So I try not to think about it. That strategy is a huge failure. Thank you for the link. I appreciate it.
PinkPig
Well-known member
Blue has on occasion said similar phrases to me. I've told him that it makes me uncomfortable and I'd prefer that he didn't tell me such things. Tell me you love me, want me in your life, tell me the ways that I enrich your life but don't tell me that you've never loved anyone like you love me, that I'm the love of your life, or that I'm the best thing that's happened to you. I'm working really hard to divest myself of the "soul" mate, happily-ever after monogamous image and all the trappings that go with it. Saying phrases that just reinforce the images I'm trying to let go of trigger my fear that the next girlfriend will be the game changer....the one he loves more than me, wants more than me, the one who is even better for his life than me.
As Galagirl said, each of us is unique. It's not a comparison thing. We are not interchangeable or replaceable. To me, such phrases imply that we are interchangeable or replaceable; therefore, they leave me in fear that I will be replaced. Blue understands that now and has stopped using such phrases. Have you tried telling your bf that you'd prefer he not use hierarchical language that reinforces a monogamous mindset?
I have asked him in the past that I don't want to hear about his other relationships. This is definitely a triggers thing. He respects that. Once in a while he says something, but I dont think he does it intentionally. Him telling me about his strong feelings for me is not triggery. But it does make me think.
AWonderland
New member
I am feeling a bit of the same feelings. I understand polyamory in theory, I think there are wonderful benefits, but when it comes to the reality I'm not sure it is for me. Are you at all interested in finding a 2nd partner for yourself?
Have you determined what the true feeling behind your jealousy is? A fear of him leaving? Neglect? Loss of time? Once that can be identified I think it's easier to work on the jealousy, but it is tough. It is really hard for me to not think of my husband being with another woman when I know he is.
Have you determined what the true feeling behind your jealousy is? A fear of him leaving? Neglect? Loss of time? Once that can be identified I think it's easier to work on the jealousy, but it is tough. It is really hard for me to not think of my husband being with another woman when I know he is.
PinkPig
Well-known member
We are all different, so this advice may totally not work for you. But, for me, it's the fear of the unknown that's scariest. Blue & I prefer kitchen table poly. Meeting his other gfs helped me feel more secure. Reality is usually less intimidating than the image I build in my mind.
Not over saturating you with details about his other relationships is good. You don't need that. But merely thinking about other women is not the thought right before the feelings. I am going to guess the thought process might be more like...
"He's off with Jane today. (She's so much better than me!)" and then Whoosh! Here comes feeling bad about yourself.
But I also meant ask him to say a plain "I love you so much!" rather than "You are the love of my life" to express his exuberance.
The first is just expressing lots of love. The second is expressing lots of love AND that of those loves you hold a "position." With your current state, you aren't going to take it like "Whee! He's over the moon today!"
I suspect you will take it like "OMG! Now I have to worry about falling off the pedestal!"
Galagirl
"He's off with Jane today. (She's so much better than me!)" and then Whoosh! Here comes feeling bad about yourself.
But I also meant ask him to say a plain "I love you so much!" rather than "You are the love of my life" to express his exuberance.
The first is just expressing lots of love. The second is expressing lots of love AND that of those loves you hold a "position." With your current state, you aren't going to take it like "Whee! He's over the moon today!"
I suspect you will take it like "OMG! Now I have to worry about falling off the pedestal!"
Galagirl
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