Moving from adultery to polyamory - help!

I believe that NeonKaos was referring to your husband's change of heart/mind/stand on the situation as being "too easy." (Correct me if I'm wrong please, NK.)

I would be wary myself. Vincent has hung on and clung tight to these particular women (by your words/description). It does seem a little quick for him to read what we have posted in response, and then agree to let them go just like that-- *snapping fingers*

Not casting aspersions here. It just seems odd that he would be so determined, up until he reads the posts of a bunch of strangers on the situation. I hope my feelings are wrong, though.
 
FlameKat said:
I believe that NeonKaos was referring to your husband's change of heart/mind/stand on the situation being "too easy." (Correct me if I'm wrong please, NK.)

I would be wary myself. He has hung on and clung tight to these particular women (by your words/description). It does seem a little quick for him to read what we have posted in response and then agree to let them go, just like that-- *snapping fingers*

Not casting aspersions here. It just seems odd that he would be so determined, up until he reads the posts of a bunch of strangers on the situation.

I hope my feelings are wrong, though.
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Yes, that is what I meant by "too easy."

I haven't heard his side of the story, but I think it's odd how he did a complete 180-degree change virtually overnight, as though a switch got flipped.

Perhaps he did get a wake-up call from reading this forum. Maybe he did suddenly decide to get on the right track.

As I said before, time will tell, and actions speak louder than words.

If it were me, I would want to talk to each of these other women myself, with him in the same room, or on the phone, and both of you let them know it's over, so that everyone gets the same story.

This man needs to re-earn your trust, over time and through actions, before you will have the type of solid foundation necessary to pursue other relationships.

Oh yeah, and you both need to focus on your children, especially the new baby, not go looking for people to date.
 
NeonKaos said:
You both need to focus on your children, especially the new baby, not go looking for people to date.
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I agree with what Neon said, especially this! I'm so very saddened you both got married and yet had such problems right away. Maybe even though you personally found the wedding meaningful, something about the commitment after 11 years of just living together freaked him out. Did you two vow to be monogamous, or was there some other kind of expectation?

ETA, I see you are in France. Are either of you French? I know traditionally French culture allows for a spouse and a lover, sort of don't-ask-don't-tell-type things, or sometime acknowledged. Does this enter into it at all, I wonder?
 
I do hope you read more than your own thread to get some support. There is no need to go it alone, now that Vincent can't use the excuse of "They don't know. They are monogamous." I hope he knows that we are here to support him also, if he chooses to do the work to build a better relationship foundation, that is.
 
My husband and I found a wonderful counselor. I'm not sure we could have gotten through some of the roughest times without her. She has really helped us nail down some of our issues, and help keep us real with our new polyamorous arrangement.

I try very hard not to judge a cheater, since I've been there. A lot of pain came from my actions, but a lot of good came, too.

I am a good person, but I have hurt people along the way. One thing I am grateful for is the forgiveness and understanding my husband has never failed to give. I do not deserve him! But who among us is deserving of mercy, anyway?
 
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