Moving in...much trepidation

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DeadinCarolina

New member
Hello everyone,

I'm a long time lurker here...this is my first post. It's going to be long, admittedly, so thanks to everyone who reads it through.

So here's my story. I am married and I have two partners (husband and boyfriend). I "came out" as poly to my parents about a year ago, pretty much right as we opened the relationship. My parents did not take it well. In fact, it was probably one of the most awful conflicts I've ever experienced. My father was skeptical of the arrangement, stating that he didn't think it was sustainable. He's an old hippie type...he states that he's seen open relationships that had failed miserably. So, though he is skeptical, he is not hostile, and our relationship is still good. However, my mother is extremely religious and closed minded. In retrospect, it was pretty dumb of me to "come out" to her, but I have trouble being dishonest or hiding aspects of my life to important people. After I told her, she pretty much spiraled out of control. She sunk into a depression and took every opportunity to lash out at me. She called me names, and stated that she wished she was young enough to have more children (I am an only child) so that she could "start over." She blamed me for her depression, told me that I was ruining my life (and hers,) and basically made me feel like crap for attempting to live my life the way I want. This lasted for several months. To date, our relationship has improved slightly. She no longer calls me names or anything, but our relationship is still not amazing.

So...

My boyfriend and I haven't been together very long (~7 months), but we're very serious. He lives about 3 hours away. He wants to be a co-primary partner, but it hasn't been able to happen due to the distance. Our polycule has decided that it would be best if he moved in with my husband and I. I'm excited, but I know this will involve telling my parents. I don't know if I can take another half-a-year emotional onslaught from my mother. I don't know if this will be the "last straw," so to speak, for her. She may decide to end the relationship with me. I know it seems stupid after all the childish things she's done or said to me in anger, but I still want a relationship with her. My family has always been small (again, only child) and I'm scared to think that this act will dissolve it.

Also, since the relationship with my boyfriend is so new, I'm worried that if things don't work out with the move, for whatever reason, I will have ruined my family dynamic permanently. I'm young, and I guess I don't have any prior experience with this sort of thing. I don't have a large history of going against my parents wishes. This is probably the first big thing that I've disagreed with my parents on.

I guess I'm looking for advice...or a similar story...or just support, maybe. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
 
would it be possible for him to stay with you temporarily until he found a job and a place near you? I don't think it's ever wrong to come out. even if she's angry at you you should be able to live the life you want. you should never have to feel like you need a live in the closet, that's not living that's hiding. you should never pretend to be someone else to make your family happy, because it's still the years from your life and I mean that you're not happy
 
I think seven months is way too soon to move in together. You hardly know someone at that point, really, and living together is a whole different ball game from dating - how long was it before you and hubs moved in with each other?

It is generally recommended to wait until a relationship makes it to a year before taking such a big step as cohabitation. That way you will have gotten to know each other better and experienced all the traumatic holidays, birthdays, change of seasons, and whatnot without the added stress of adjusting your living situation.

There really is no need to rush into it, especially in light of the fact that the dust still hasn't settled with your parents. You can discuss and plan how the finances will be handled, but be patient and slow down. That's my advice.
 
nycindie: Yeah, I agree that it's a bit soon. I'm worried about that. Honestly, my husband and I didn't move in together until after we were married (obviously, not because of some odd conservative reason). We spent a lot of time in his apartment though, sleep overs and the like. However, we were together 2 years before we were married.

I've posed to the boyfriend that if things don't work with us all living together, he could always move out and get a place close by in town. It's my ideal situation, though, with everyone living together. I think I would feel like I was living a double life in a way, if I split time between two households. But I'll do whatever is best for the relationships.

The boyfriend and I are intensely committed to each other. I know it's partially due to huge doses of NRE ("I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FORRREVVERRRR!!!!!"). Like I said, some of the intensity of it is due to the newness, but I've committed myself to the relationship. When the NRE wears off, I'm still willing to put the work in to make it "forever." Our relationship started off VERY rocky, so I feel that I have a good grasp on his negative traits, and I know he's not all roses. He knows I'm not either. I know everyone says that "my relationship is different!!!!" though. :/
 
I'd agree with NYCindie. At least one year of dating before moving in together. And that means regular dating, not long distance, see each other rarely, dating.

Many if not most people here manage quite well being poly and not having both lovers live with them. What if your husband met someone and moved her/him in? How many people could you stand seeing you in your nightclothes before coffee? Or bringing home their friends? Or their annoying immature drunk brother? Or leaving towels on the floor and greasy pizza boxes on the counter? Or not cleaning their cat's litter box? Or whatever. Living together does not mean happily ever after.

I was 20 miles from my gf, and we dated for 4 years before moving in together. Our work schedules allowed us to spend about half the week together until then, but we still didn't rush the actual moving in together. As a result we've now been living together for over 1 1/2 years and have had no problem blending our lives 24/7. We've both dated others in those 5 1/2 years but have had no desire to move anyone in with us. Yet.
 
Have him move closer, but get his own place

I agree that it's too soon. I'd suggest having him move closer, but still have his own place. He could always look for a place that would allow a month to month lease or a 6 month lease instead of something longer term. But considering how short of a time you've been dating and the distance, it would make more sense if you had a period of time dating where he was local so you could have a better idea of how it would impact your relationship dynamic with your husband. Not to mention, you could use that time to test the waters with co-habitation. If you have a guest room, he could start staying with you guys for several days at a time, or a week, or 2 weeks and see how things go. But moving him in this soon, and on top of that having the family dynamic.... that just seems like asking for problems.

As for the family situation, while I can understand being close to family and wanting to maintain a relationship with them, if they can't love you for who you are, then they're only going to be huring you, and that's not a relationship that you want to have with anyone. No matter when you tell your mom, it probably won't go over well. But hopefully she'll eventually get over it and realize that if she wants you to be a part of her life, then she'll have to keep her opinions to herself.
 
I, myself, am a "dive in" kind of girl. I don't think that you can ever really know someone until you live with them. (Then again, I am an introvert who prefers to be home rather than anywhere else.) We tease Dude that he is a "U-haul lesbian" because he, like me, tends to cohabitate right away.:p

To be fair - I've only had 2 serious relationships, the 2 that I am still in, but both started with moving in right away and have worked out fine. It's obviously not for everyone, but ...
 
Yes, Jane, just because it is possible it could work, does not mean it is probable.

Especially in this case, with the OP worried about her mother's extreme negative reaction. She spiralled out of control into a deep depression just hearing about this guy. Would probably be better for all concerned if he moved nearby, they started dating, and then if all worked out, he passes that test, the mom adjusts to him being around, he might move in after some time has passed. He can still be a co-primary (if that really works out) if he's a half mile away or whatever.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
I, myself, am a "dive in" kind of girl. I don't think that you can ever really know someone until you live with them. (Then again, I am an introvert who prefers to be home rather than anywhere else. tease Dude that he is a "U-haul lesbian" because he, like me, tends to cohabitate right away.:p

To be fair - I've only had 2 serious relationships, the 2 that I am still in, but both started with moving in right away and have worked out fine. It's obviously not for everyone, but ...
Click to expand...

That's how it was with nate and me. I met him and a week later I was staying with him until I found a place for both if us to move in to. I had a good feeling about him and I was right. 5 months later we bought a house. My ex husband and I dated at job corps and when we graduated and moved it was to my town where we got a place together.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
I, myself, am a "dive in" kind of girl. I don't think that you can ever really know someone until you live with them. (Then again, I am an introvert who prefers to be home rather than anywhere else.) We tease Dude that he is a "U-haul lesbian" because he, like me, tends to cohabitate right away.:p

To be fair - I've only had 2 serious relationships, the 2 that I am still in, but both started with moving in right away and have worked out fine. It's obviously not for everyone, but ...
Click to expand...

But I agree in the OP situation I wouldnt move him in full time
 
Hi DeadinCarolina,

It always makes me nervous when someone switches straight from an LDR into living together. However, people have obviously made that sort of thing work in the past, so maybe you will too.

As for your parents: I myself am not out with my family about being poly. I'm not afraid to be out, but my (two) poly companions are afraid of outing us, therefore I abide by their wishes and keep it in the closet.

On the other hand, my parents do know I have left the church, and I'll bet that didn't set well with either of them. But I also tired of being beholden to them and their wishes, and decided it was high time to start living my own life the way I wanted to, not the way they wanted me to. So, if that meant they were going to disown me, then so be it.

Actually my attitude was even colder than that. I was mad at my parents because I felt they had treated me shitty, as a kid and even as an adult, and I was in the mood to disown them. I didn't go that far, but I did stop calling them "Mom" and "Dad." I use their first given names now. And they know (by experience) that if they give me crap about anything, especially about the way I live, I'll swiftly stop talking to them. They've learned to mind their p's and q's with me. They've been trained.

So my situation is different than yours, in that I don't care if I lose my parents, but you do care. Because of that, I guess you are going to be beholden to your mom and there's not much you can do about that.

The thing is, we can't always have everything that we want in life. Sometimes we *have* to choose. You may end up in a situation where you find that you have to choose between your mom's love and between the poly life that is so important to you. Which is it going to be if you have to choose?

As children, we wish and/or believe that our parents will always love us unconditionally. However, as we get older, we come to realize that our parents are only human and as such, they might not always love us unconditionally. Your mom is starting to place conditions on her love for you. That is an awful thing for you to experience -- no matter how you choose to respond to it. So I am sympathetic.

I can only hope that your mom will eventually accept your boyfriend as a part of your life.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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