Moving out to save a relationship?

[doglover0217]

I'm wondering if anyone has a story or insight to share on moving out of an apartment shared with a partner (or in my case partners).

I am currently in a V that began more as a triad, but a variety of things led to our relationship evolving (including scheduling, sexual preferences, an intense move compacted by having to adapt to an apartment that is 1/3 of the size of our old apartment and also in a new city).

It's difficult to articulate so hopefully this makes sense:
Our hinge, Red, and Blue have been together for several years. Their relationship has been open almost from the beginning but largely contained to sexual openness rather than emotional. I met Red and we instantly connected very deeply, and are still as intensely connected 3 years later. I moved in with them after about 8 months (which was really fast, but it made sense financially), then we all made a bigger move to another city a year after that.

Fast forward to being in a new city for a little over a year. I have been struggling to communicate and ask for things I need, like space and privacy. Our new apartment is so small we often step on each other and it's very rare that any person is alone in any room of the apartment. Additionally, I have been struggling to catch up to their level of openness. Red and Blue had several years to work on their openness, but I'm new to polyamory and have struggled to learn the skills I need to process emotions like jealousy, insecurity, etc.

I am essentially monogamous to Red, partially because it’s what I have wanted (most of the time), partially because I haven't had the capacity to look for other connections with the amount of work maintaining this relationship, and partially because I've struggled on a personal level with my sense of self and not knowing what I want/need (and therefore not being able to communicate it). Red has two partners, and at the end of most days I wish I had the emotional space to find another connection as well.

One idea I have proposed is that I move out. Blue has been open to it but without stating a definite opinion. Red is adamantly against it and says that it would create a lot of work. Red would have to choose to spend time between me and Blue; our finances would be split and thus strained; Red wouldn't get to wake up next to me or come home to me; logistics of planned events and vacations would be strained. Red essentially sees the obstacles it will create. I acknowledge that it will be extremely challenging and will take a lot of work, but I believe the issues we have to work on can’t be addressed in our current state.

My reasons for proposing moving out are that I firmly believe it would give me space to learn the skills I need to be in this relationship. I also think it would help me and Red take a more focused approach to what is wrong in our dyad. My reason IS NOT to pretend to be single and do whatever I want whenever I want (which is what I think Red is scared of). I've also expressed that I'm proposing it as a temporary arrangement, rather than a permanent arrangement.

Red and I are going to see a couples therapist to see if we can work on some of the issues or at least learn how to listen and understand each other better. I’m also beginning with a new therapist to learn how to better advocate for myself and express what I want/need.

Does anyone have any stories or relevant insight? I know moving out is hard, but I'm wondering if anyone can share specific struggles, failures, successes, etc?

 

[GalaGirl]

My reasons for proposing moving out are that I firmly believe it would give me space to learn the skills I need to be in this relationship. I also think it would help me and Red take a more focused approach to what is wrong in our dyad.

I could see that.

Red would have to choose to spend time between me and Blue; our finances would be split and thus strained; Red wouldn't get to wake up next to me or come home to me; logistics of planned events and vacations would be strained. Red essentially sees the obstacles it will create. I acknowledge that it will be extremely challenging and will take a lot of work, but I believe the issues we have to work on can’t be addressed in our current state.

The only concern there to me is finances. If you can find a friend to be a roomie with -- it could ease the financial burden on you.

The rest? Are loss of privileges to me. Which are not problems. (Not sure if this article helps -- it lists some possible problems from living together.)

For instance if Red spends the night at your new place, he can come home and wake up next to you there.

Logistics WOULD have to be planned. Rather than assumed or taken for granted because you are "automatically" around since you also live there.

Red has to choose to spend time with you or Blue anyway. Perhaps it is not as obvious of a choice right now when all live in the same house. Because time with one blends into time with the other since Red just has to walk into another room. Or because you all do a lot of all 3 together.

But perhaps that ability to take some things for granted from living together has let to some of the dyad problems. Like lazy relating. (Not saying that Red is lazy, just an example of a possible dyad problem.)

I’m also beginning with a new therapist to learn how to better advocate for myself and express what I want/need.

If you are trying to work on yourself and be more assertive? And you think this decision is the best/healthiest decision for you? This is what you want/need?
There you go. Your first opportunity to make your own choices.

I suppose you could give couples therapy a whirl, but if things are not better in X months? Move out. Try that instead. Or perhaps a combo of living apart plus couple therapy.

You already know what doing more of same (living together, no counseling) leads you. It leads to you not thrilled with the dyad. This has been going on a while so perhaps you just need to go ahead and move. Make the changes YOU need to feel better.

I am essentially monogamous to Red, partially because it’s what I have wanted (most of the time), partially because I haven't had the capacity to look for other connections with the amount of work maintaining this relationship, and partially because I've struggled on a personal level with my sense of self and not knowing what I want/need (and therefore not being able to communicate it). Red has two partners, and at the end of most days I wish I had the emotional space to find another connection as well.

Only you can decide if the relationship with a live-in Red is more work than it it worth. Maybe it would be a better balance for you if you lived apart so you didn't have to be tending to it quite so much. Then you aren't so drained and you have energy to connect with others.

Are you "carrying" Red? Doing more than your fair share in the dyad?

Galagirl

 

[Dagferi]

First and foremost you need to do what is right for you.

Red is being a lazy hinge.

I would love to have both my guys under one roof for convenience sake. But my husbands would be miserable and probably murder each other under the same roof.

So I split my time 50/50 between homes i share with each. I wake up next to both of them.

 

[Magdlyn]

I hear that housing is so expensive in your area, that 3 people sharing rent can't even afford to have separate spaces in the same apartment. That sucks!

There are going to be issues around privacy when a V wants to cohabit. The best solution of course, is what Bluebird has manifested. She lives with her 2 husbands, and each of their V has their own bedroom and their own workspace/playspace as well. So she can go sleep or have sex with each man in his own room/bed. And each person can retreat to their own space when they just need me time.

But not everyone is able to do this, depending on income and how much rent costs. It's rather an ideal to be worked towards.

I'm a big advocate of not moving in together too soon. I know some people do it anyway, sometimes even before they are lovers, for financial reasons, and the lover part happens next.

But if you are finding living together as 3 to be too challenging, you go ahead and do what you need to do. Red may prefer you do not move out. He is thinking of his own desires to wake up next to you, etc. But you are allowed to have desires and needs of your own!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi doglover0217,

I could be wrong, but my best guess at this time is that you should move (into a place of your own). Looking at your other two threads, I see that you have been wanting to move out for a long time. Like GalaGirl said you can give couples therapy a chance before you move; that would be reasonable. But I say don't even wait that long. You've already waited long enough.

Just my thoughts on the matter,
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Bluebird]

I am sorry you are having such difficulty. Is it possible for you to get a place nearby, or for you guys to move? I cohabitate with my V, and it would not be possible if my guys couldn't have their own space! They are both very introverted, and so need their downtime without me, and without each other. A separate bedroom is an absolute must, as is a different private space, so they don't feel trapped in a bedroom when they want alone time! So my husband DarkKnight has both a bedroom and a home office, and PunkRock has a bedroom and an art studio. We just bought a house together, and it was actually a downsize for us, but those private spaces were a must-have. A small apartment would never work, and it doesn't sound like it is working for you here.

I would speak to Red again, and tell them that this must happen. Maybe the polycule can relocate as a whole, if not to a larger space, but to an apartment complex so you can be close neighbors.

Early in my relationship with PunkRock, I split my time between his rental and my house with DarkKnight, and they lived an hour and a half apart and I was homeschooling my teenager! It is absolutely possible for you to have a successful relationship without cohabitating with your metamour, but Red has to be willing to do the work, and the travel.