Moving too fast?

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XJskyboy

Member
Ok, I really hate to do this, as I know this site isn't a source of free therapy, it's a forum. But You all have been helpful and friendly, particularly with questions for those less experienced in this area.

Of course, our first crack at Poly crashed and burned hard core and we're still dealing with the fallout from that. Also, I never saw myself (Liam) as being interested in Poly for me, but was enthusiastic for my husband (Adam) when he came out as being Poly.

So basically, after the crash and burn, we agreed to give it some time before we tried again. Now, Adam had lunch with an indirect coworker/friend (we'll call him Ethan) and explained everything that went down with the previous situation. Ethan is bisexual (as am I) and has always been very flirty with me when we've hung out in the past.

Well, he tells Adam at lunch that he and his girlfriend are both poly and both bi and that he's "always had a thing for both of us, but especially Liam." He then went on to explain that his girlfriend has encouraged him to explore more in the way of side relationships.

Ethan wants to have dinner tonight the three of us, but asked Adam if it would be ok if he asked me on a one-on-one date, to which Adam said he's cool with that if I am. Again, I never foresaw myself doing so, but I can't say I'm at all closed to the idea of trying it.

I feel like we're so fresh off the last situation, it might be too soon. However, in the limited capacity we know each other, Ethan and I have always gotten along and he's super cute. I also don't know what kind of Poly he's interested in. I still am a bit timid to be the hinge for sure. Adam is encouraging me to just go on the date and see what happens. I just don't want to be that moron that takes things too fast and crashes and burns yet again.

Any thoughts? Sorry guys, just trying to figure things out.
 
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It isn't Ethan's fault that Braden was/is insane. Go to dinner. Don't accept his offers to take care of your pets and stay at your house while you're 2000 miles away.

Remember, these things happen in monogamous relationships, too (people pretending to be something they're not or being a certain way when you meet them and turning into something else for the worse).
 
ref2018 said:
It isn't Ethan's fault that Braden was/is insane. Go to dinner. Don't accept his offers to take care of your pets and stay at your house while you're 2000 miles away.
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True story on every level. I just don't want to move too fast and into territory I didn't originally intend to enter. I appreciate the feedback and advice. It is very helpful.
 
XJskyboy said:
True story on every level. I just don't want to move too fast and into territory I didn't originally intend to enter. I appreciate the feedback and advice. It is very helpful.
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If he's already in a stable relationship and they treat each other well (like you and Adam seem to do), that's a good sign. It doesn't have to "go" anywhere. You can just hang out if there's no chemistry.
 
ref2018 said:
If he's already in a stable relationship and they treat each other well (like you and Adam seem to do), that's a good sign. It doesn't have to "go" anywhere. You can just hang out if there's no chemistry.
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That makes perfect sense. I didn't think of it that way. And when we've been at the same events (which doesn't happen particularly often, but here and there), he and I have always gotten along well (and I like his GF a lot too, on a friendship level of course). So, maybe it's worth a try. Just makes me nervous lol.
 
I just don't want to be that moron that takes things too fast and crashes and burns yet again.
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If this is the thing you want to honor? You honor it.

"Ethan, thanks for asking me out. I'm flattered, but I'm not ready at this point in time. Still dealing with creepy Braden fall out. Ask me out again in 6 mos if you are still interested then. We can check in and see if things align better at that point in future."

There. Done.

Things may or may not pan out with Ethan, but it isn't gonna crash and burn because you hopped on it too fast. You took a pause.

Galagirl
 
PS: All this stuff--

Now, Adam had lunch with an indirect coworker/friend (we'll call him Ethan) and explained everything that went down with the previous situation. Ethan is bisexual (as am I) and has always been very flirty with me when we've hung out in the past.

Well, he tells Adam at lunch that he and his girlfriend are both poly and both bi and that he's "always had a thing for both of us, but especially Liam." He then went on to explain that his girlfriend has encouraged him to explore more in the way of side relationships.

Ethan wants to have dinner tonight the three of us, but asked Adam if it would be ok if he asked me on a one-on-one date, to which Adam said he's cool with that if I am. Again, I never foresaw myself doing so, but I can't say I'm at all closed to the idea of trying it.
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It sounds like Ethan told it to Adam, who then told it to you. If you and Ethan do decide to coordinate a dinner date, even just as friends, don't you want Ethan to talk to you directly, rather than through Adam?

Even if Ethan is a perfectly ordinary person, and not anything like Braden, just because Ethan is willing and ready to become better friends, or asks to poly date you, doesn't mean YOU are ready to become closer friends or poly date Ethan. It's okay if things don't line up for that for that right now, or you have no actual interest in Ethan.

You didn't see yourself going there. You aren't closed off to poly dating, but do you want to be doing it RIGHT NOW, in general? It sounds like you don't.

And doing it with Ethan, in particular, sounds like a no, or a "not right now." It mostly sounds like, "No, I don't want to rush into stuff when I am still cleaning up the Braden wackiness." Honor your own things first.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Ethan told it to Adam, who then told it to you. If you and Ethan do decide to coordinate a dinner date, even just as friends, do you want Ethan talking to you directly, rather than through Adam?

Even if Ethan is a perfectly ordinary person, and not anything like Braden, just because Ethan is willing and ready to become better friends, or asks to poly date you, doesn't mean YOU are ready to become closer friends or poly date Ethan. It's okay if things don't line up for that for that right now or you have no actual interest in Ethan.

You didn't see yourself going there. It mostly sounds like, "I don't want to rush into stuff when still cleaning up the Braden wackiness." Honor your own things first.
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This is all great advice. I have a lot of thinking to do. You're spot on right that I'm still very stressed and anxious about the cleanup of the other situation. However, Ethan has never been anything but friendly and sweet (if not a little flirty, but not in a bad way) when I've been around him. So he's definitely not part of the problem.

I did agree to do dinner with the three of us this evening, and I guess we'll see where it goes from there. But I appreciate your point about honoring my own things first. I feel like if I rush into it and am not ready, I may be the one to royally screw things up.

I like your idea to coordinate a dinner date, just as friends. That may be helpful to ease into any potential deeper situations that may develop. I think the talking through Adam only happened because Ethan and I don't know each other well enough to have each other's contact info, and Adam and Ethan happened to be having lunch together at work. Perhaps we'll exchange contact information this evening. So I'm not too concerned on that front. Thanks again.
 
Hi Liam,

There's no way to be sure of course, but my initial impression is that Ethan is a cool dude, and not like Braden. This doesn't mean you should throw caution to the wind, but it does mean that dinner with the three of you (you, Adam, and Ethan) is probably okay. While at dinner, you might want to explain to Ethan that you are dealing with some difficult stuff from Braden, and that you may not be ready for a new relationship for a while yet (six months perhaps). I think Ethan would be understanding of that.

Sometimes in life, things don't happen on a timetable that makes sense, you have to take some chances sometimes. I know it seems kind of rushed, but I feel better about Ethan than I did about Braden. My vote is to take it slow with Ethan, but to go ahead and not shut it down right from the beginning. You have to trust your instincts, of course.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Give yourself some time to process before you go on a date. The guy has been around for years, he can wait one more month.
 
Thanks all. The feedback is appreciated. We had a nice dinner.

Ethan’s GF actually made it on an earlier flight home and joined us for dinner (no objection, as she’s super sweet and fun and non-judgmental). We had really nice conversation and food and it was a nice opportunity to kind of unwind from the previous situation.

At one point, Ethan very gently asked if we could talk. He said he assumed that Adam and I had already talked about their lunch convo, but that he would love to go on a date and “get to know me better... once I’m ready.” He was very respectful of the situation. He was very sweet, actually.

I told him we were still dealing with a particularly difficult situation, but that I would be interested in going on a date with him, just that it might be a minute. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and said he “Looks forward to that minute.” Then we went back to the table and had great conversation, all four of us, and enjoyed the evening. Maybe there is some hope for the future of all this. :)
 
Glad to hear you had a nice dinner. Ethan's girlfriend sounds really cool too.
 
Ethan and I talked at happy hour tonight and he asked if we’d possibly “come to the minute yet (see above for reference lol).” His GF is traveling for work next week (they prefer to do dates when they’re geographically separated and she travels to Las Vegas for work about every other week) and he said he’d really like to take me to my favorite sushi place next Wednesday for our first “date.” Maybe I was a little smitten with his charm but I said I’d be down. We’ll see where this all goes. I’m excited on one hand, but feel a little guilty on the other because the whole poly thing was supposed to be Adam’s area. So I hope I’m not hurting him or making him jealous, although he has said he really supports me doing this. I guess we’ll see how it goes.
 
XJskyboy said:
I’m excited on one hand, but feel a little guilty on the other because the whole poly thing was supposed to be Adam’s area
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I had those types of conflicts inside me in the beginning too, and I was the one who initiated poly. Its typical response to monogamy programming. You will bump against that monogamous programming as you go along. Once you get past one thing, another pops up. poly is a continuous growth life. Get support from your partner and take what he says at face value and go for it. Second guessing will drive you crazy. You’ll get past it with supportive conversation and experience. If you need more support, then a good poly counselor can help.
 
Hi Liam,

I assume your poly agreement is still open to both of you -- that is, Adam still has the green light to seek out (an) additional partner/s. He just doesn't happen to have one right now. You can't predict who's going to have a new partner and when. All you can do is say that both you and Adam are free to take on (a) new partner/s, when the opportunity arises. You didn't mastermind a situation where you would have the extra partner and Adam wouldn't. I presume Adam realizes that. He does seem to be supporting you.

Glad to hear things are going well with Ethan so far.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Liam,

I assume your poly agreement is still open to both of you -- that is, Adam still has the green light to seek out (an) additional partner/s. He just doesn't happen to have one right now. You can't predict who's going to have a new partner and when. All you can do is say that both you and Adam are free to take on (a) new partner/s, when the opportunity arises. You didn't mastermind a situation where you would have the extra partner and Adam wouldn't. I presume Adam realizes that. He does seem to be supporting you.

Glad to hear things are going well with Ethan so far.
Regards,
Kevin T.
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Hey Kevin, yeah, thanks for the point of clarification. The agreement is definitely still that either of us can have other partners. And you are totally right that Adam is being supportive. That said, I would be thrilled if Adam met someone tomorrow who fit his fancy. I guess I'm just stressing about the fact that I never foresaw myself utilizing said agreement and always just figured it would be Adam and somehow the tables have turned at the moment. lol. Guess I'll just have to continue to grow my knowledge in that area. As Bobbi said, there's a lot of monogamous programming to be unraveled there. My family growing up was very much a "you graduate high school, you go to college, you get married (and are monogamous), you get a job, you have kids, and that's that" sort of operation lol. So I've been unraveling for a while ;) Thank you for your kind comments.
 
No problem, I hope Adam gets his turn too, I believe he will, in due time.
 
XJskyboy said:
My family growing up was very much a "you graduate high school, you go to college, you get married (and are monogamous), you get a job, you have kids, and that's that" sort of operation lol. So I've been unraveling for a while.
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That's what is known as the relationship escalator (minus the education part). Of course, being gay, having kids is not as automatic. So you're already skipping that floor, or at least will need to make more effort to stop on the floor than a hetero couple would.

In poly, we can avoid the escalator. "Where is this going? What are our intentions?" are questions with different answers than "Marriage and kids, of course, or else I'm getting off!"

What is the Relationship Escalator? – Off the Relationship Escalator

offescalator.com offescalator.com
 
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