hi all. after almost a year of back & forth between me, my bf, and his fiancee (she was vehemently against a polyamorous situation but also didnt want to leave him), things seemed to have smoothed out, at least enough for he & i to have the relationship i want. she & i actually have a (platonic) connection and get along pretty well. we've all hung out a few times and its pleasant, but i do connect to him much more strongly and there's probably no chance of this becoming a triad. they continue to have a lot of the same issues they had before me, but they're still willing to work on them.
the problem is that he & i have a much stronger emotional connection than they do, and it's particularly noticeable when we all hang out. because of this and the fact that they're having issues and arguments that basically come down to not connecting to each other, i feel very self-conscious about behaving the way with him in front of her that i would if we were alone. we are extremely in love and their connection seems a lot more lukewarm, at least lately. he insists that its ok for me to "act natural" but im worried about hurting her, causing more issues for them or being seen as rubbing it in her face, making her feel like the third wheel, etc. it just feels somewhat cruel to be staring in his eyes and rubbing on him while she's there and they aren't nearly as engaged. from my perception, he has also been much more loving towards me than her which has also made me feel bad. she hasn't specifically mentioned this as an issue, but as i said, i have also spent a lot of time during our time together downplaying the strength of our connection.
i guess my question is whether or not i have a responsibility or whether its reasonable to be mindful of the issues they are having. is there such a thing as poly etiquette regarding hanging out as a hinge group that is generally-accepted? i know technically its "not my problem" but because she and i have at least somewhat of a friendship, i feel guilty about the potential of making her feel worse at a time when i know she's already having insecurities about the strength of their relationship. i think of it as akin to telling a friend how well you're doing in your career when you know they've just been fired or something along those lines, and he & i have enough alone time where i dont feel like im sacrificing too much by just toning it down a little when all of us are together. he seems to think this concept is ridiculous. is my instinct to "lay low" when its all 3 of us reasonable?
the problem is that he & i have a much stronger emotional connection than they do, and it's particularly noticeable when we all hang out. because of this and the fact that they're having issues and arguments that basically come down to not connecting to each other, i feel very self-conscious about behaving the way with him in front of her that i would if we were alone. we are extremely in love and their connection seems a lot more lukewarm, at least lately. he insists that its ok for me to "act natural" but im worried about hurting her, causing more issues for them or being seen as rubbing it in her face, making her feel like the third wheel, etc. it just feels somewhat cruel to be staring in his eyes and rubbing on him while she's there and they aren't nearly as engaged. from my perception, he has also been much more loving towards me than her which has also made me feel bad. she hasn't specifically mentioned this as an issue, but as i said, i have also spent a lot of time during our time together downplaying the strength of our connection.
i guess my question is whether or not i have a responsibility or whether its reasonable to be mindful of the issues they are having. is there such a thing as poly etiquette regarding hanging out as a hinge group that is generally-accepted? i know technically its "not my problem" but because she and i have at least somewhat of a friendship, i feel guilty about the potential of making her feel worse at a time when i know she's already having insecurities about the strength of their relationship. i think of it as akin to telling a friend how well you're doing in your career when you know they've just been fired or something along those lines, and he & i have enough alone time where i dont feel like im sacrificing too much by just toning it down a little when all of us are together. he seems to think this concept is ridiculous. is my instinct to "lay low" when its all 3 of us reasonable?
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