My boyfriend is upset, can you overcome jealousy issues?

[dingedheart]

I commend you for your recent honesty and efforts. It must be a huge weight off, having things out in the open, and the ability to discuss more openly topics generally skirted in the past. I bet that feels much better for both of you.

The only problem I see is that Geoff is still in a lose-lose position. If he can't cope, if he has to tap out, he's going look weak and feel weak, being responsible for forcing you to give up something/someone you love and need, a lifestyle that he was okay with and agreed to when he signed on. The guilt, shame, failure from that, and the fear of resentment, let alone any actual resentment you may feel if he taps out. Gets what he wants, yet feels like a loss. Might get sole custody of a vagina, but lost the heart and mind that accompanied it.

If he does continue to struggle, never getting used to the idea of sharing his gf/future wife sexually, never taps out because of the things listed above, tolerates it because of the box he put himself into, and the pain and resentment slowly eats his soul, lose again.

Would you like to be married someday, to him or anyone?

BTW, I do have the results from the impromptu poll, if anyone wants it.

 

[AnnabelMore]

The only problem I see is that Geoff is still in a lose-lose position.

Um, or, third option, the work that he and Aurelie do together, their experimentation, the trust and honesty, etc., actually help him to become a more fulfilled and secure and less jealous person, which serves him well as a human being, while also negating the problem posed by his reaction to the other guy?

I'm not saying that scenario is a guarantee by any means, but there are more than two possible outcomes here! Seriously. Why assume it has to be lose-lose?

 

[redpepper]

I am wondering what the reason is that these two men have not met. I find that often times people get all into the fantasy image they have about others simply because they are not around them. Ewan could easily slip into the attitude that he is the top dog that will get the girl in the end if he has not seen his metamour, let alone talked to him. Geoff could easily hold on to his jealousy around the sex you have with Ewan, and the size of his cock, if he has not seen him, talked to him or had a chance to develop some kind of relationship with him.

I am not saying they have to be best buddies, but from what I have known in my own life and through spending years on here and other places of poly chat, the best medicine for jealousy and other fantastical thoughts is spending time together. Often people become way more, well, human and unthreatening when they are around us in real life. Why not invite them out for dinner and just shoot the shit? See how the conversation goes. Its been 2 1/2 years, for goodness sake. High time, I think.

 

[km34]

The only problem I see is that Geoff is still in a lose lose position. If he can't cope, if he has to tap out, he's going look weak and feel weak, being responsible for forcing you to give up something /someone you love and need, a lifestyle that he was ok with and agree to when he signed on, the guilt, shame, the failure from that, and the fear of resentment, let alone any actual resentment you may feel if he taps out. Gets what he wants, yet feels a loss. Might get sole custody of a vagina, but lose the heart and mind that accompanied it.

Or since he had done some legitimate work on himself, trying to be okay with the situation, she would mourn the loss of the relationship with Ewan, and put in the effort to get over him so she and Geoff could move on and have a happy, healthy relationship. Would it be hard? Yes. Would she feel resentment? Probably, for a while. But overall I think she very much understands where Geoff is coming from and will do what is necessary to make their relationship work.

If he does continue to struggle, never getting use to the idea of sharing his gf/future wife sexually, never taps out because of the things listed above, tolerates it because of the box he put himself into, and the pain and resentment slowly eat his soul... lose again.

Or he will continue working on his jealousy issues, they will continue working on the relationship in general, and eventually he will feel secure enough that he will even enjoy the fact that she has someone else!

Your scenario is possible, but not probable, based on the information we've been given, I think.

Aurelie, I did have a question. Did you and Geoff talk about the possibility of him meeting Ewan? If so, was he open to it? I could see it either going really well (the two guys liking each other, or at least recognizing that the other is good for you), or really badly (Ewan's arrogance showing up, Geoff feeling insecure from the beginning and letting it affect his personality, etc.). Just curious if you two had thought about further. I remember you mentioning it early on, but I didn't remember much discussion on here stemming from that.

 

[Aurelie26]

I commend you for your recent honesty and efforts. It must be a huge weight off, having things out in the open, and the ability to discuss more openly topics generally skirted in the past.

Yes, thank you. It does feel like we made progress at the weekend, and that’s good.

The only problem I see is that Geoff is still in a lose-lose position. If he can't cope, if he has to tap out he's going look weak and feel weak, being responsible for forcing you to give up something/someone you love and need, a lifestyle that he was ok with and agree to when he signed on, the guilt, shame, the failure from that, and the fear of resentment, let alone any actual resentment you may feel if he taps out. Gets what he wants, yet feels a loss. Might get sole custody of a vagina, but lose the heart and mind that accompany it.

I realise that I have painted a picture of Geoff being kind and gentle and sensitive, and this is all true. However, just because he is a laid-back nice guy, does not mean that he is in any way weak. He is not, and I don’t think that he could ever think of himself that way either. He will not force me to do anything. I am not weak either. It is possible that I will realise that this is causing too much hurt for him (that's not how it is at the moment), and want to give Ewan up for Geoff's happiness.

I will never resent Geoff. I could only resent him if I thought he was being selfish and inconsiderate. He is neither. If the day comes that he asks me to be his, and his alone, I will know it’s because our relationship needs it.

He is jealous at the moment. Not all the time though. He has told me that most of the time he is fine with it, it’s only when he thinks of my lover and I having sex that he can get a bit uncomfortable. Things were fine today, we were affectionate towards each other before I went to see my lover and he was very affectionate when I got back, more affectionate than usual even. Why? It’s because what I told him about him not waiting up for me when I see my lover. Even though he said that I was being silly and over dramatic, he knew that I was upset about it, so he made sure that he made me feel better, and he did. He does this because he loves me the same way I love him.

He might get sole custody of my vagina, but he will never lose my heart, mind, or soul. I stress again, our relationship is not in question here. I cannot imagine my life without him. He feels the same and we will now communicate more, to make sure we know how we are doing at all times. We will never allow things to get to the point where our relationship would be at risk.

The only thing at risk is my relationship with Ewan. I don’t want to give him up. His emotions and feelings count as well. He is not just a big dick for me to play with, and throw away, as if what we have shared over the last two and a half years means nothing. It does, it means a lot! I’m not going to pretend I care about him in the same way as Geoff. I don’t, but there is love there, and it’s not easy to throw that away.

Would you like to be married someday, to him or anyone?

My mother has been married and divorced three times, so that has kind of put me off. Never say never though, and if I do, it will be to my lovely bf.

 

[Aurelie26]

"The only problem I see is that Geoff is still in a lose-lose position."

Um, or, third option -- the work that he and Aurelie do together, their experimentation, the trust and honesty, etc., actually help him to become a more fulfilled and secure and less jealous person, which serves him well as a human being, while also negating the problem posed by his reaction to the other guy.

I'm not saying that scenario is a guarantee, by any means, but there are more than two possible outcomes here! Seriously. Why assume it has to be lose-lose??

Yes, I agree with you Annabel. We can work together to make this right for everyone. We have worked together before. I remember when we first got together, I was used to Ewan, and my Geoff was so different in bed, very soft and gentle and caring, and it did not take long for me to fall in love with him. He would have bad oops moments though, and he would get so embarrassed about it, but I soon stopped that because I would always hug and kiss him and tell him it was okay. Truth is, I thought it was incredibly sweet, and I told him that, and he would be less conscious about it, and from there, we worked on it together, and still do, and he is able to last much longer now and it's good.

So because we have that trust, he has now asked me to work on something else with him. He wants me to tell him about things we haven't tried, and teach him things that I like to do. We have made a start on this, and it's going well. He likes it, and we are going to talk more about what we both like from now on.

We have even talked about what he said about being turned on by the thought of me being with my lover. As I said, I would have bet anything on him not feeling this way, I need to stop doing this. That's why we will be talking more.

 

[Aurelie26]

I am wondering what the reason is that these two men have not met. I find that often times people get all into the fantasy image they have about others simply because they are not around them. You lover could easily slip into the attitude that he is the top dog that will get the girl in the end if he has not seen his metamour, let alone talked to him. Your bf could easily hold on to his jealousy around the sex you have with your lover and the size of his cock, if he has not seen him, talked to him or had a chance to develop some kind of relationship with him. I am not saying they have to be best buddies, but from what I have known in my own life and through spending years on here and other poly places of chat, the best medicine for jealousy and other fantastical thoughts is spending time together. Often people become way more, well, human and unthreatening when they are around us in real life. Why not invite them out for dinner and just shoot the shit. See how the conversation goes. Its been 2 1/2 years for goodness sake. High time, I think.

Well, they have never expressed an interest in meeting each other. Geoff has only asked about Ewan a few times, I mean, about his life, job or what he is like. He has recently asked about the sex things, but that's not the same, I don't think.

Ewan knows more about Geoff, but that is because he will ask me how things are with me, and what I've been up to, and because my day to day life is made up of Ewan and Max, they they often come up.

Also, what if they don't get on or fight? I don't think that will happen, but if it did, that would be the end of my relationship with Ewan. Geoff has been okay about me seeing him, but if he met and disliked him, that that would be less likely. I remember I had butterflies in my stomach before meeting Ewan's wife. It was good though.

I now think the benefits outweigh the risks, and agree with what you say.

So I'm thinking that if Ewan, his wife and I can go out for dinner, there is no reason we can't add another and invite Geoff. I would be much more comfortable with her there. If things were awkward at first, I would panic and it might be terrible. If she is there I know she will make it more comfortable.

 

[IndieSolo]

So I'm thinking that if my lover, his wife and I can go out for dinner, there is no reason we cant add another and invite my bf. I would be much more comfortable with her there. If things were awkward at first, I would panic and it might be terrible. If she is there I know she will make it more comfortable.

I think this is a good idea!!

 

[Aurelie26]

Or since he had done some legitimate work on himself trying to be okay with the situation, she would mourn the loss of the relationship with her lover and put in the effort to get over him so she and her boyfriend could move on and have a happy, healthy relationship. Would it be hard? Yes. Would she feel resentment? Probably for a while, but overall I think she very much understands where her boyfriend is coming from and will do what is necessary to make their relationship work.

I would be sad if I gave up Ewan. I would miss him, and although our relationship consists of mainly sex, that is not all I would miss. I dont have a great time doing things with him (apart from awesome sex), and he is not loveable like my bf, I cant pretend that we are all hugs & kisses like I am with my bf. We dont stare into each other's eyes, and hold each other and tell one another how much we are in love, he could never have a relationship with my son like Geoff does. He does not know how to express himself in that way. He can't.

As I say though, there have been times that I have needed him, and he has never come up short when it came down to it. He has been a huge part of my life for over two years, and his feelings deserve to be thought about in all this. A kiss on the cheek, and a quick "You know I love you," doesn't sound like much, does it? I know he means it though.

You're right. I will do what I have to do for my relationship with Geoff.

Or he will continue working on his jealousy issues, they will continue working on the relationship in general, and eventually he will feel secure enough that he will even enjoy the fact that she has someone else!

Well, I wanted to raise what Geoff said about me being with Ewan "turning him on sometimes." I brought it up with him in a teasing kind of way, he seemed bashful when he said it, so I didn't want to take it to far, but yes, he admitted again that SOMETIMES it does. It cant hurt our situation. Might be a good thing.

Did you and Geoff talk about the possibility of him meeting Ewan? If so, was he open to it? I could see it either going really well (the two guys liking each other or at least recognizing that the other is good for you) or really badly (Ewan's arrogance showing up, Geoff feeling insecure from the beginning and letting it affect his personality, etc.). Just curious if you two had thought about further. I remember you mentioning it early on, but I didn't remember much discussion on here stemming from that.

No, I haven't asked him yet. I will, but not yet. I think we did well at the weekend. I'll leave it a few weeks before asking him.

Will they be okay with it? I think so. Cant tell for sure. I really want Ewan to meet my bf, so he can see for himself why I love him so much. My bf can get on with just about anybody, and they do support the same football team, so that's something they have in common.

Ewan does not mean to be rude. He just can be. He doesn't even realise he has been until you tell him. He has that kind of sense of humour. That's why I want his wife to be there. I like her, she's funny, they are funny together. If it is a bit uncomfortable to start with, it wont be when she gets going. She will break the ice. I will talk to her about it.

 

[Aurelie26]

I think this is a good idea!!

Me too!!

Thanks everyone for your ideas and thoughts. It does really help me, in fact just typing it all out and knowing that at least one person will read it helps a lot.

 

[Anneintherain]

I'm glad to hear your updates as I obviously had my curiosity about things earlier. I do wonder if Geoff or Ewan think about posting on this site. Perhaps I just don't understand NOT participating in an online forum for help or advice. Then again, men often make no sense to me, so that's not surprising.

I am glad things seem to be on a positive path. I hope that you and yours will feel free in the future to post for suggestions if other things come up. I'd love to think everything will be smooth sailing, but I've been married twice, so I know better.

 

[dingedheart]

If he can't take it and absolutely has to tap out, you think he's going to feel empowered? You think telling Ewan that Geoff can't bare the imagines in his head of the two of you having sex is an empowering feeling? "I have to quit because he can't handle his emotions." How does he not feel like he let you down, let himself down? Meaning he thought he was stronger.

At the heart of the lose-lose scenario is you saying, "It's up to him. If he can't handle it and says, stop I will." The responsibility, the enormity, all the associated questions surrounding such an action, and yet it's a decision you want to or are willing to hand off.

There could be several happy outcomes. He may learn to cope perfectly, and never have a another jealous thought. He may embrace the cuckold/turned-on/hotwife thing. He may be invited to watch or participate and really get off that way. Who knows how things could turn out once a dialog gets started? Hell, maybe he could hook up with Ewan's wife. She might enjoy a young sensual sensitive guy she could teach all her wisdom to. Crazier things have happened.

In an effort to step up his game, learn more, last longer, he desperately wants to close the gap between his sexual performance and Ewan's. Good for him insofar as he will have more tools in the tool box to carry through life. However is the motivation/expectation that he could quench or diminish your thirst and thus it will no longer be a driving need? This too could be a crushing blow. "You've come a long way, gotten much better. I'm so proud of you, but I am still not going to voluntarily give up my Tue/Thur sex romps. Sorry."

 

[IndieSolo]

I'm noticing a pattern here. It seem like only guys are saying things like, "Watch out, he can't really be happy; he's only agreeing to please you; it's lose-lose; something will snap; what will you do when it all falls apart?" and so on. And the women here are all, "Good for you for having the conversation; what a positive step; glad you two are working on it; how can it be losing when you're all making the effort and being honest? He is making his choice and handling it well," etc. I wonder why this situation has sparked such a divide in responses.

 

[dingedheart]

Let's not let the facts get in the way. Geoff has not been happy with it. He went so far as to pretended to be dating also, to make her happy. He's stated he's mono. I think he's also stated in his heart of hearts he'd prefer she was solely with him and didn't have the need to have other sexual partners. I said from the beginning he should be told the truth. And in addition, please read post 121, in which I congratulated her on having that difficult conversation.

Annabelle constructed a military career example. I'd say if she was given the same "power," if you can't handle me being in the military, just say so and I'll go and quit tomorrow, it would put her in a similar lose-lose situation.

And really, wouldn't you want the perspective of men, considering he's a man? Ask a brother, father, uncle these questions. How about Ewan? Oh wait, he's already on record with this. NYCindie, are you counting Ewan's point of view?

I do think it is good that they are both being honest and I always maintained he entered this relationship knowing the dynamic. As for how he's handling it, we don't actually know. He's not talking to us and he's pretty good at hiding this kind of stuff. Also, a week or 2 isn't a very good predictor or marker.

 

[Mudita]

Dinged,

If I were to go on Survivor and then realise half way through I couldn't hack it, I'd be faced with 3 choices.
- quit the game (either explicitly or by getting myself voted off)
- continue on in misery
- suck it up and try and find a way to prosper and maybe win the million

So we have the lose/lose (+win) scenario.
Survivor didn't put me in this position, I did.
Being responsible for my own happiness, it would be up to me decide my own future.
It's not Aurelie's decision to hand-off in the first place.
The bf has both the right & the responsibility to make this decision.

In addition, Aurelie already has a circuit breaker established of splitting with Ewan, which should preclude Geoff getting stuck between leaving and staying, and not seeing a way out.

 

[dingedheart]

Mudita, in post 121 I say this is a box he put himself into. No argument there. And he does have every right to make any decision about his happiness in regards to his own actions. Whether to go or stay, what he wants from a relationship and partner and what he doesn't want. The difference is that each side has an unpleasant consequence tightly tied to such decisions. What I'm saying is he's making a de facto decision on a separate sexual relationship, a veto, if you will, not to stay or go, but these are so closely tied that one can argue both ways.

You're saying because he entered the box of his own free will that this precludes her from having to hand off that decision, which I would agree with, and yet she did in a conciliatory or negotiating gesture, which may, in fact, have complicated things from an emotional point of view.

 

[zylya]

I'm noticing a pattern here. It seem like only guys are saying things like, "Watch out, he can't really be happy; he's only agreeing to please you; it's lose-lose; something will snap; what will you do when it all falls apart" and so on. And the women here are all, "Good for you for having the conversation, what a positive step, glad you two are working on it, how can it be losing when you're all making the effort and being honest, he is making his choice and handling it well," etc. I wonder why this situation has sparked such a divide in responses.

I'm a guy and I just wanted to point out that as soon as they started getting honest with each other, things started feeling better, and she found out that he was interested in some of the things which she swore blind that he wasn't interested in. And his reason? Because he thought she wasn't into it. Makes me want to bash myself in the head, because most of these problems could've been solved with more honesty and communication. And as she said, she did something with him that she hadn't done with him before and enjoyed it more than any other time she'd done it!

And I disagree with the assertion that all the guys are saying that he hates it, because getting honest is what I said back in the beginning. Long may it continue!

 

[Mudita]

You're saying because he entered the box of his own free will that this precludes her from having to hand off that decision.

To me, the key word is "having." I would substitute "being able to."

Aurelie cannot hand off the decision to Geoff anymore than she can hand off my rust bucket of a car to me, as neither are hers to begin with.

and yet she did [hand it off]

To my mind, she has just put another option on the table. Geoff is not obliged to take her up on this option any more than the others.

Which may have complicated things from an emotional point of view.

No doubt. But then love, kids, sex and multiple partners can get complicated, right?

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

 

[Aurelie26]

I'm glad to hear your updates as I obviously had my curiosity about things earlier. I do wonder if Geoff or Ewan think about posting on this site. Perhaps I just don't understand not participating in an online forum for help or advice. Then again, men often make no sense to me, so that's not surprising.

I am glad things seem to be on a positive path. I hope that you and yours will feel free in the future to post for suggestions if other things come up. I'd love to think everything will be smooth sailing, but I've been married twice, so I know better.

I could get Geoff to post here, but I wouldn't want him to read this thread, I don't think. Anything I have said on here I have now told him, but I did not put it so bluntly as it reads on this thread. I'll ask him sometime, not just yet, though.

 

[Aurelie26]

I think he's also stated in his heart of hearts that he'd prefer she was solely with him and didn't have the need to have other sexual partners.

No, he has never said that.

If he can't take it, and absolutely has to tap out, you think he's going to feel empowered? You think telling Ewan that Geoff can't bare the imagines in his head of the two of us having sex is a empowering feeling? "I have to quit because he can't handle his emotions." How does he not feel like he let you down, let himself down? Meaning he thought he was stronger.

Geoff knows that he has never let me down. I have asked him if he wants me to give up Ewan. It was not put to him in as "If you cant handle it, I'll force myself to drop him." I asked him in a loving way, not a threat or ultimatum, a question, one that he knew he was free to answer in any way he wanted. He choose to answer it by saying that he didn't want me to, although he can't say if he will always feel this way. Anytime he has doubts he knows we can talk again. He knows the truth, and all his questions have been answered. He did not run off or sulk. He was upset, but not for long. We are still very happy in our day to day lives, and will work through any problems that arise.

He has helped me with lots of my problems and difficulties, most of which are unrelated to this thread. I know he has helped me far more than I have helped him. The only thing I have been able to help him with was his sexual shyness and premature ejaculation, we have had fun with me teaching him how to get me off, and now we are having more fun as I'm teaching him other stuff.

As you can imagine, P.E is a difficult thing for a guy to ask for help with. We have worked through it, and made it good. That's what we do, work hard to put things right for us and our family. What my son and I have done for him is give him our unconditional love. He returns it. I think you forget that in your posts, the love we have is why we will never split.

There could be several happy outcomes. He may learn to cope perfectly and never have a another jealous thought. He may embrace the cuckold/turned-on/hot wife thing. He may be invited to watch or participate, and really get off that way.

I really do appreciate everyone's help. But would you please stop calling my bf a cuckold or a babysitter? I don't like it, and don't think it is very nice.