My boyfriend wants the keep having threesomes but refuses to talk about what went wrong, gets mad when I try

Bustamove42086

New member
Some people talk about sex like "Getting laid." I prefer to say "share sex" instead.

"Getting laid" is like "getting some fries" or "getting a soda." You don't really care what's going on in the fast food worker's life or what's up with the soda machine so long as you get the fries or the soda.

"Share sex" implies that sex is a shared experience where you hope to be a good sharer, and expect the partner(s) to be a good sharer back. Not just treating the other person like a dispensing sex machine or like a treadmill you go for a jog on.



Could seek a different therapist.

But really is it all that different? If you were talking about 1:1 sex with your partner where he's only interested in how it goes for him and doesn't really care how the experience goes for you? It's kinda the same in a threesome where he is only interested in how it goes for him and doesn't really care how the experience goes for you.

Still gonna be blah for you both ways.



Best at sharing sex? I don't know how "good" he can be if he's not willing to talk to partners to make sure they're having a good time being there.

If he's just wanting to be the "best" at getting himself off? Well... if he gets off I guess that's all that matters to him.

I don't know where the sex judges are giving the score card after each performance. In his mind, I guess. So if he's busy telling himself he's all that in his mind, he's not gonna want to hear ACTUAL feedback from partners.

What do YOU want to be doing in your relationships? How do YOU want to be treated?

Galagirl
He does take anything related to sex very personally (if He doesn’t make me cum, which is rare, he acts offended; he loves hearing he’s the best). I just want to feel like we’re on the same page and like he genuinely cares about how I feel and how comfortable I am. He’s always said he does, but actions not words.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
He does take anything related to sex very personally (if He doesn’t make me cum, which is rare, he acts offended; he loves hearing he’s the best).

So your orgasms are not about your pleasure? But are ego strokes for him? A ruler that "prove" he's the best, so if you don't cum he's annoyed because he didn't get the sex points on that round?

I just want to feel like we’re on the same page and like he genuinely cares about how I feel and how comfortable I am. He’s always said he does, but actions not words

To me when I get mixed messages? Words and actions don't match?

I believe the actions. Cuz talk is cheap, and people can lie.

Galagirl
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
(if He doesn’t make me cum, which is rare, he acts offended; he loves hearing he’s the best).
This would be a big giant flapping red flag for me.

Guys who are offended and overly attached to "making" their parter orgasm have a lot of internal conflict going on that I am in no position to help them with. In this set-up, I am not free to explore my sexuality, I exist only to perform for my partner's gratification and fragile ego. This and all of the jerking off/cold shoulder whiplash would indicate to me that this person is not a suitable candidate for a poly partnership. He's extremely conflicted. He may or may not mature beyond this, but right now he's not emotionally educated enough to be a healthy parter in a polyamorous agreement. Satisfying polyamory requires a great deal of emotional maturity and self awareness.
 
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Bustamove42086

New member
Is this why his ex is his ex? He behaved badly toward her around this threesome thing too? Though I guess if you only hear their break up story from him and not her, he'd leave that bit out.



Does the third person know that their text will be read by other people than the one they texted to? If yes, ok. It's consenting.

If not? Quit sharing other people's texts to you with him. Or vice versa.



So believe him that it stresses him out. And note that he doesn't like hearing feedback.

Then skip having threesomes with him. Because this is stressy for you too. And you are not obligated to share threesome sex just because he wants to. If you aren't doing threesomes with him? No need to discuss anything about threesomes you do with him then. You aren't doing them.



If you are apologizing to soothe his ego/stop a blow up tantrum aimed at your head? It sounds like you do it not because you did something wrong. But because it's from fear and/or to calm your bully. (Which I get, and in the moment, you do what you gotta.)

But then reflect.

Cuz what did you do wrong? Want to have a conversation so the threesome experience can go well for you too? What's so horrible about that?

If he doesn't want to talk because he's just in it for what HE gets out of the threesome? He just wants you present like his dolly who does whatever he says? Doesn't really care how the experience goes for you, just cares that HE gets two people in bed? You don't have to be one of the people. You can pass.

You can say "You told me you don't want to talk. I don't want to threesome without a talk. We don't match for threesome styles. I suggest you seek other threesome partners who match your style better than me."

Hold your personal boundary of "I only threesome if there's some calm conversation around it first so it can go well for me."

And if you know he's gaslighting you in this relationship... why stay in it?

I can't tell. You are the one there. But just in case I'll put this out there.
https://www.wikihow.com/Identify-Being-a-Narcissistic-Extension



You do not "feel" it. You have experienced this. He doesn't want to have any sort of conversation around it. He tantrums.

If he invites you to one? And past experience has told you he is not great at sharing threesome sex? It comes with tantrums and not wanting to talk so it can go well for you and whatever else that's a drag? SKIP IT.

Say "Thanks, but no thanks. You carry on without me with other people."

You are not OBLIGATED to share threesome sex here.



You are not the asshole. You are not crazy.

You have ALREADY tried talking to him about your concerns to no avail. He won't have it or listen. So why bother trying again? Take action instead.
  • If doing a threesome without conversation first so it can go well for you is not your cup of tea? Don't participate.
  • If this relationship is more work than it is worth, causing you mental distress to where you think you are crazy, or harming you in other ways? Break up.
Keep your life simpler.

Galagirl
Update, I reached out to the third and just asked woman to woman how many times they’d met up after our threesome (he was still insisting they never did). She said twice. So that answers that. Oh and he sent pictures of me going down on him to some woman on Instagram who does webcam, and he hooked up with 2 of his exes (he would talk about it them like they were so in the past and “crazy” at the time he was actually about to or just had met up with them) and a girl from work. He insists Covid changed everything thought and it’s all. In the past
 

Bustamove42086

New member
So your orgasms are not about your pleasure? But are ego strokes for him? A ruler that "prove" he's the best, so if you don't cum he's annoyed because he didn't get the sex points on that round?



To me when I get mixed messages? Words and actions don't match?

I believe the actions. Cuz talk is cheap, and people can lie.

Galagirl
I just don’t get why he lied and drove me crazy when he could have just been honest from the beginning. I slept with someone in the beginning because I sensed he wasn’t going to be exclusive to me and I told him about it and got judgement. He had so many opportunities to tell me, or he could have just dumped me. He got off on lying to me I think
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Update, I reached out to the third and just asked woman to woman how many times they’d met up after our threesome (he was still insisting they never did).

Regardless of what the answer is to your detective work, the relationship you are in has red flags all over it. The moment we have so little trust and respect for someone that we are snooping around looking for "the truth"... any chance of having a healthy relationship is over. What you have is a toxic association; note that I'm not saying that he is a toxic person, or that you are, but how the two of you relate to each other is MILES away from healthy.

My big curiosity is what you've learned from this experience? Have you learned anything about how you relate to people, how to set healthy boundaries, and what your part of this situation has been?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Oh and he sent pictures of me going down on him to some woman on Instagram who does webcam

Was that done without you knowing or your consent?

He insists Covid changed everything thought and it’s all. In the past

This relationship doesn't sound healthy or great for you to be in.

He had so many opportunities to tell me, or he could have just dumped me. He got off on lying to me I think

That's the thing. If he gets off on the lying, why would he dump you? That's the point. He gets his jollies from going behind your back.

I just want to feel like we’re on the same page and like he genuinely cares about how I feel and how comfortable I am

I'm sorry you are dealing in this. It sounds far from what you wanted in a relationship.

Have you decided to end it?

GG
 

Bustamove42086

New member
Was that done without you knowing or your consent?



This relationship doesn't sound healthy or great for you to be in.



That's the thing. If he gets off on the lying, why would he dump you? That's the point. He gets his jollies from going behind your back.



I'm sorry you are dealing in this. It sounds far from what you wanted in a relationship.

Have you decided to end it?

GG
Without my knowledge, and I only found out because after I told him I knew about him and the girl we’d had threesome with he handed over his phone for the first time ever and for like 3 minutes before grabbing it. Hed forgotten he he had the convo on Instagram still, and I also found a screenshot about meeting his ex who he called crazy and stalkerish at a hotel (she’s married). And then he came clean about another girl
 

Bustamove42086

New member
I feel like the only reason he came clean about the people he did was because there are way more things he’s hiding and lying about. And he gaslights me like crazy, I have no energy and I’m sad and keep hoping he will Give me the whole story, because I feel like I fell in love with a lie as cheesy as that sounds. I definitely wouldn’t have looked for other girls and had a couple profile of I knew he was doing his own thing
 

Bustamove42086

New member
Without my knowledge, and I only found out because after I told him I knew about him and the girl we’d had threesome with he handed over his phone for the first time ever and for like 3 minutes before grabbing it. Hed forgotten he he had the convo on Instagram still, and I also found a screenshot about meeting his ex who he called crazy and stalkerish at a hotel (she’s married). And then he came clean about another girl
He always wanted to take lots of pics of us in the beginning, just us, and I thought it was for us to watch and Send people we were talking together . I didn’t know he was taking pics for his portfolio to get laid by as many women as he could
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I feel like I fell in love with a lie as cheesy as that sounds.

Well... that's basically what happened here. You fell in love with an illusion he painted for you -- not the real dude. And now you see his true colors. And it's not a pretty picture. :(

I hope you are able to leave and things get better for you in time.

Galagirl
 
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