Is this why his ex is his ex? He behaved badly toward her around this threesome thing too? Though I guess if you only hear their break up story from him and not her, he'd leave that bit out.
Does the third person know that their text will be read by other people than the one they texted to? If yes, ok. It's consenting.
If not? Quit sharing other people's texts to you with him. Or vice versa.
So believe him that it stresses him out. And note that he doesn't like hearing feedback.
Then skip having threesomes with him. Because this is stressy for you too. And you are not obligated to share threesome sex just because he wants to. If you aren't doing threesomes with him? No need to discuss anything about threesomes you do with him then. You aren't doing them.
If you are apologizing to soothe his ego/stop a blow up tantrum aimed at your head? It sounds like you do it not because you did something wrong. But because it's from fear and/or to calm your bully. (Which I get, and in the moment, you do what you gotta.)
But then reflect.
Cuz what did you do
wrong? Want to have a conversation so the threesome experience can go well for you too? What's so horrible about that?
If he doesn't want to talk because he's just in it for what HE gets out of the threesome? He just wants you present like his dolly who does whatever he says? Doesn't really care how the experience goes for you, just cares that HE gets two people in bed? You don't have to be one of the people. You can pass.
You can say "You told me you don't want to talk. I don't want to threesome without a talk. We don't match for threesome styles. I suggest you seek other threesome partners who match your style better than me."
Hold your personal boundary of "I only threesome if there's some calm conversation around it first so it can go well for me."
And if you know he's gaslighting you in this relationship...
why stay in it?
I can't tell. You are the one there. But just in case I'll put this out there.
https://www.wikihow.com/Identify-Being-a-Narcissistic-Extension
You do not "feel" it. You have experienced this. He doesn't want to have any sort of conversation around it. He tantrums.
If he invites you to one? And past experience has told you he is not great at sharing threesome sex? It comes with tantrums and not wanting to talk so it can go well for you and whatever else that's a drag? SKIP IT.
Say "Thanks, but no thanks. You carry on without me with other people."
You are not OBLIGATED to share threesome sex here.
You are not the asshole. You are not crazy.
You have ALREADY tried talking to him about your concerns to no avail. He won't have it or listen. So why bother trying again? Take action instead.
- If doing a threesome without conversation first so it can go well for you is not your cup of tea? Don't participate.
- If this relationship is more work than it is worth, causing you mental distress to where you think you are crazy, or harming you in other ways? Break up.
Keep your life simpler.
Galagirl