My boyfriend wants the keep having threesomes but refuses to talk about what went wrong, gets mad when I try

Bustamove42086

New member
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years. We originally met on a dating app a couple years earlier, when he and his ex girlfriend were looking for a third to join them. I had no experience but was intrigued and talked to them about it for a while. I ended up getting back with my ex, so I was never a third with them. A year or two later we were both single and ended up getting together and now here we are. Side note: it was the and is the best sex of my life from night one.. I’d never cum like that in my life! It was awesome. Anyway..

We started looking for another female to join us a couple weeks after we got together. I’d never done it, but i was feeling adventurous and sexy and maybe since I’d just met him it was easy not to worry about jealousy etc. we had two threesomes that summer, with different girls. I enjoyed the dynamic, and I didn’t feel jealous at all. He made me feel like he wanted me more, and the women wanted me, it was hot.

We’ve had a few since then. During the first year, I unintentionally caught him having side conversations with the other woman a few times and he claimed it was nothing but refused to show me what they said. I would have been okay with him talking to her if he wasn’t so shady about me seeing the convo. It’s happened a few times since. And not to be a scorekeeper, but i give him full access to my phone to read convos if he’s not a part of them. I’m excited to share it all with him, I thought that was the point?

There have been other small things I’d like to talk to him about before we go into the experience with someone new. for example, I became the third wheel during one encounter and he didn’t even notice when I left the hotel room. It took 20 minutes or more for him to text asking where I went.
I understand that these things happen and don’t blame him for them. The problem I have is that if I try to bring any of this up, he immediately gets into a shitty mood (becomes defensive, asks me why I bring up stuff from the past “when we weren’t even really dating”, tells me i always want to be negative about everything, and storms off and says “I don’t want to even do it, if it’s gonna cause this much stress!”)

I end up apologizing, cuz it sucks being gaslighted and I don’t want to fight with him. And now I feel like we can’t have any sort of convo about boundaries, expectations, etc for the future (he’s definitely try got the itch, it’s all he wants to talk about-bringing in a third).

Am I the asshole, and how do I express this to him without him setting him off? it’s tough because this is all private and I can’t really talk it through with anyone but him. So I end up overthinking and internalizing it. Any advice or just confirmation I’m not crazy appreciated
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
.... errr. He's totally been the asshole here, not you. I mean that's a strong opinion but still. I don't necessarily think having total access to each others' conversations with everyone is the best plan, but refusing to talk? that's flat out not ok, and his "blowing up" to get you to apologize is manipulative, in my opinion.
 

TXretired

Active member
Howdy. Is he toxic and gaslighting. Stand your ground and don’t apologize unless something is really your problem. While my phone is open to my wife and vice versa, we honor each other with privacy. If one of us has a question, we ask. We talk a great deal.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
We originally met on a dating app a couple years earlier, when he and his ex girlfriend were looking for a third to join them.

Is this why his ex is his ex? He behaved badly toward her around this threesome thing too? Though I guess if you only hear their break up story from him and not her, he'd leave that bit out.

We’ve had a few since then. During the first year, I unintentionally caught him having side conversations with the other woman a few times and he claimed it was nothing but refused to show me what they said. I would have been okay with him talking to her if he wasn’t so shady about me seeing the convo. It’s happened a few times since. And not to be a scorekeeper, but i give him full access to my phone to read convos if he’s not a part of them. I’m excited to share it all with him, I thought that was the point?

Does the third person know that their text will be read by other people than the one they texted to? If yes, ok. It's consenting.

If not? Quit sharing other people's texts to you with him. Or vice versa.

There have been other small things I’d like to talk to him about before we go into the experience with someone new. for example, I became the third wheel during one encounter and he didn’t even notice when I left the hotel room. It took 20 minutes or more for him to text asking where I went.
I understand that these things happen and don’t blame him for them. The problem I have is that if I try to bring any of this up, he immediately gets into a shitty mood (becomes defensive, asks me why I bring up stuff from the past “when we weren’t even really dating”, tells me i always want to be negative about everything, and storms off and says “I don’t want to even do it, if it’s gonna cause this much stress!”)

So believe him that it stresses him out. And note that he doesn't like hearing feedback.

Then skip having threesomes with him. Because this is stressy for you too. And you are not obligated to share threesome sex just because he wants to. If you aren't doing threesomes with him? No need to discuss anything about threesomes you do with him then. You aren't doing them.

I end up apologizing, cuz it sucks being gaslighted and I don’t want to fight with him.

If you are apologizing to soothe his ego/stop a blow up tantrum aimed at your head? It sounds like you do it not because you did something wrong. But because it's from fear and/or to calm your bully. (Which I get, and in the moment, you do what you gotta.)

But then reflect.

Cuz what did you do wrong? Want to have a conversation so the threesome experience can go well for you too? What's so horrible about that?

If he doesn't want to talk because he's just in it for what HE gets out of the threesome? He just wants you present like his dolly who does whatever he says? Doesn't really care how the experience goes for you, just cares that HE gets two people in bed? You don't have to be one of the people. You can pass.

You can say "You told me you don't want to talk. I don't want to threesome without a talk. We don't match for threesome styles. I suggest you seek other threesome partners who match your style better than me."

Hold your personal boundary of "I only threesome if there's some calm conversation around it first so it can go well for me."

And if you know he's gaslighting you in this relationship... why stay in it?

I can't tell. You are the one there. But just in case I'll put this out there.
https://www.wikihow.com/Identify-Being-a-Narcissistic-Extension

And now I feel like we can’t have any sort of convo about boundaries, expectations, etc for the future (he’s definitely try got the itch, it’s all he wants to talk about-bringing in a third).

You do not "feel" it. You have experienced this. He doesn't want to have any sort of conversation around it. He tantrums.

If he invites you to one? And past experience has told you he is not great at sharing threesome sex? It comes with tantrums and not wanting to talk so it can go well for you and whatever else that's a drag? SKIP IT.

Say "Thanks, but no thanks. You carry on without me with other people."

You are not OBLIGATED to share threesome sex here.

Am I the asshole, and how do I express this to him without him setting him off?

You are not the asshole. You are not crazy.

You have ALREADY tried talking to him about your concerns to no avail. He won't have it or listen. So why bother trying again? Take action instead.
  • If doing a threesome without conversation first so it can go well for you is not your cup of tea? Don't participate.
  • If this relationship is more work than it is worth, causing you mental distress to where you think you are crazy, or harming you in other ways? Break up.
Keep your life simpler.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

HaloOnFire

Active member
You can say "You told me you don't want to talk. I don't want to threesome without a talk. We don't match for threesome styles. I suggest you seek other threesome partners who match your style better than me."

Hold your personal boundary of "I only threesome if there's some calm conversation around it first so it can go well for me."

And if you know he's gaslighting you in this relationship... why stay in it?


You have ALREADY tried talking to him about your concerns to no avail. He won't have it or listen. So why bother trying again? Take action instead.
  • If doing a threesome without conversation first so it can go well for you is not your cup of tea? Don't participate.
  • If this relationship is more work than it is worth, causing you mental distress to where you think you are crazy, or harming you in other ways? Break up.


All of this times 1000.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
We’ve had a few since then. During the first year, I unintentionally caught him having side conversations with the other woman a few times and he claimed it was nothing but refused to show me what they said. I would have been okay with him talking to her if he wasn’t so shady about me seeing the convo. It’s happened a few times since. And not to be a scorekeeper, but i give him full access to my phone to read convos if he’s not a part of them. I’m excited to share it all with him, I thought that was the point?

Is this the first time you guys have encountered this issue? You've been together for over three years, is this not something that has come up before?

You sound like you want a "full disclosure" sort of relationship, and not everyone is down with that. Personally I find the proposition laughable, and someone even asking to go through my personal stuff is a bright red flag.

Have you two had an honest conversation about what your expectations are with regard to disclosure? If you have, I would say you are due for a refresher convo on the topic.

The problem I have is that if I try to bring any of this up, he immediately gets into a shitty mood (becomes defensive, asks me why I bring up stuff from the past “when we weren’t even really dating”, tells me i always want to be negative about everything, and storms off and says “I don’t want to even do it, if it’s gonna cause this much stress!”

Do you guys have a relationship where you talk to each other about things? Do you guys chat about what you LIKE about threesomes and each other? I'm just wondering if this is a unique kind of communication breakdown for the two of you, or if you guys just aren't big communicators.

You've been together over three years and he considers you guys not "really dating"? Or is this a conversation you are trying to have about a threesome you had years ago? I might have the timeline screwed up.

Am I the asshole, and how do I express this to him without him setting him off? it’s tough because this is all private and I can’t really talk it through with anyone but him. So I end up overthinking and internalizing it. Any advice or just confirmation I’m not crazy appreciated

Constructive communication has a few requirements, and each person needs to be on point in order for it to work. I would let go of the idea of which one of you is the asshole who sucks at communicating, because the odds are both of you could probably stand to make some improvements.

Be clear about your boundaries. Encourage them to be clear about theirs​
Enforce your boundaries. Respect their boundaries.​
Express your actionable opinions. Encourage them to express theirs.​
Respond to their opinions and desires constructively, without blame or drama.​
They need to respect your opinions and desires constructively, without blame or drama.​

If he really is just randomly "getting in a shitty mood" at the mere mention of a threesome you had together, I'm not sure any advice I have to offer would be of any value. If what you want is a healthy relationship, this sort of interaction is going to get you the opposite.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Bustamove42086,

Don't worry, you are not crazy, your boyfriend is treating you wrong. You need to talk to him about what goes wrong in a threesome, and he needs to reciprocate.

He may have some excuse for not showing you the convo on his cell phone, namely that the woman he was texting hasn't given him permission to show what she said. So there may be an assumption of privacy there.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Bustamove42086

New member
Is this the first time you guys have encountered this issue? You've been together for over three years, is this not something that has come up before?

You sound like you want a "full disclosure" sort of relationship, and not everyone is down with that. Personally I find the proposition laughable, and someone even asking to go through my personal stuff is a bright red flag.

Have you two had an honest conversation about what your expectations are with regard to disclosure? If you have, I would say you are due for a refresher convo on the topic.



Do you guys have a relationship where you talk to each other about things? Do you guys chat about what you LIKE about threesomes and each other? I'm just wondering if this is a unique kind of communication breakdown for the two of you, or if you guys just aren't big communicators.

You've been together over three years and he considers you guys not "really dating"? Or is this a conversation you are trying to have about a threesome you had years ago? I might have the timeline screwed up.



Constructive communication has a few requirements, and each person needs to be on point in order for it to work. I would let go of the idea of which one of you is the asshole who sucks at communicating, because the odds are both of you could probably stand to make some improvements.

Be clear about your boundaries. Encourage them to be clear about theirs​
Enforce your boundaries. Respect their boundaries.​
Express your actionable opinions. Encourage them to express theirs.​
Respond to their opinions and desires constructively, without blame or drama.​
They need to respect your opinions and desires constructively, without blame or drama.​

If he really is just randomly "getting in a shitty mood" at the mere mention of a threesome you had together, I'm not sure any advice I have to offer would be of any value. If what you want is a healthy relationship, this sort of interaction is going to get you the opposite.
Thank you all for the feedback, it’s so good to get any perspective for objectivity sake! We do communicate well.. at least I think we do. We’ve both been through a lot the last two years with aging parents, I was in ICU with kidney failure for a week last Christmas. We like pot so we get into long discussions about life and joke about writing a book. But when it comes to talk about sex, he doesn’t like to hear anything that he interprets as him failing. We started dating officially like a year in (or that’s his opinion, nothing changed he just resisted “the label”, I know, big red flag I forgot about. But to be fair, I went out and met someone once during that time and told him about it not long after. He was pissed at first, even though he had encouraged me to go have sex with a guy a few times, jokingly but probably seriously. Anyway, he kinda bounced between getting turned on /jerking off hearing about it to making me feel like I wasn’t trustworthy .
 

Marcus

Well-known member
He may have some excuse for not showing you the convo on his cell phone, namely that the woman he was texting hasn't given him permission to show what she said. So there may be an assumption of privacy there.

To piggy back onto this, it's important to remember that people don't need an excuse to set their own boundaries with regard to disclosure. Some people are into full disclosure, others aren't, and they are both right.

The trick is to make sure that you discuss it and adjust expectations according to the reality of the overlap (or lack of overlap).
 

Marcus

Well-known member
Anyway, he kinda bounced between getting turned on /jerking off hearing about it to making me feel like I wasn’t trustworthy .

I've gotta tell you, the picture you paint of him is very unflattering. Is he aware of the fact that you find his communication so troublesome? Do you know how he feels about your communication style? Maybe he has some of the same struggles you do?

It sounds like there are some deep tracks of resentment in your association with this guy. Do you want to work this out with him and learn to communicate better with each other (I am including you in this as well), or are you pretty much done and are looking for some moral justification to pull the plug on it?

That's not meant to be a dig, I'm just not clear about where you are with it.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I’m excited to share it all with him, I thought that was the point?
The point of what? What ethical code are you aiming for? It's certainly not one attached to polyamory.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
But to be fair, I went out and met someone once during that time and told him about it not long after. He was pissed at first, even though he had encouraged me to go have sex with a guy a few times, jokingly but probably seriously. Anyway, he kinda bounced between getting turned on /jerking off hearing about it to making me feel like I wasn’t trustworthy .

Let me repeat that back in order.
  • He encouraged you to go have sex with a guy.
  • You did it, then told him about it.
  • So then he jerked off to it and was turned on by that.
  • And then made you feel like you weren't trustworthy.
Does he also get off on that? Not necessarily get off on that sexually. But get off on always being "right" and you always being "wrong?" Making you be "the bad one" or putting you down or something?

This doesn't sound like a great dynamic to be in. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

Bustamove42086

New member
I've gotta tell you, the picture you paint of him is very unflattering. Is he aware of the fact that you find his communication so troublesome? Do you know how he feels about your communication style? Maybe he has some of the same struggles you do?

It sounds like there are some deep tracks of resentment in your association with this guy. Do you want to work this out with him and learn to communicate better with each other (I am including you in this as well), or are you pretty much done and are looking for some moral justification to pull the plug on it?

That's not meant to be a dig, I'm just not clear about where you are with it.
I love him. Like I said, I had no real poly experience before we met, and I don’t know if he gets frustrated sometimes. I’ve told him many times he can talk to other girls if he wants, but he insists he doesn’t want to. Pretty sure he says a lot of stuff like that for my benefit even though I’ve given him so many opportunities to be open about what he wants, but he acts like I’m accusing him of talking to girls or cheating or something. We’re together almost all the time, we’ve been together through some hard times recently with me almost dying of kidney failure and his dad dying of cancer. I’m rambling, sorry
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Is this polyamory though? Mostly is sounds like casual sex threesomes.

That don't go all that great for you without conversation ahead of time.

GG
 

Bustamove42086

New member
He

no you’re right, I’m just going off what he said he wanted which was to share it and only talk in group texts
Is this polyamory though? Mostly is sounds like casual sex threesomes.

That don't go all that great for you without conversation ahead of time.

GG
I don’t know. So far it’s only been casual sex threesomes. He says he’s turned on by the idea of having a mfm with another guy and watching me, and I am definitely interested in trying that. But when I start talking to a guy I find attractive he has no enthusiasm. Seems more and more like it must just be about him getting to fuck another girl with me in the room. When I asked him if he could try to not make me the third wheel, like when he forgot I was there and didn’t notice I went outside for a cigarette until they both finished , he got frustrated like it’s just sex I can’t control what happens
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
So far it's just casual threesomes. But didn't you say he wanted to try a poly triad type thing? From your first post:
"He's definitely got the itch, it's all he wants to talk about -- bringing in a third."
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
it’s tough because this is all private and I can’t really talk it through with anyone but him.

Do you have friends and family you can turn to? Or has being in this relationship cut you off from support from other places?

I hope posting here makes you realize that things aren't so hot here. This isn't sounding like "normal poly" or "normal open relationship." This sounds more like "He gets most of the receiving."

You might not be an expert on poly or open relationship but you ARE the expert on YOU. If you don't like how you are treated here... why stay?

I’m just going off what he said he wanted which was to share it and only talk in group texts

Again... did all the participants agree to this? Or are you and him reading the texts while the third person thinks they are private only to the person they texted? That's a violation of privacy, and using people to get off.

He says he’s turned on by the idea of having a mfm with another guy and watching me, and I am definitely interested in trying that. But when I start talking to a guy I find attractive he has no enthusiasm. Seems more and more like it must just be about him getting to fuck another girl with me in the room.

Which is why I asked if your role is mostly to be his "dolly" that just does whatever he wants so he can have two people in bed. Not trying to be mean about it. Just trying to understand what you are shooting for in this relationship.

Set this guy aside for a minute. What do YOU want from your romances?

"Polyamory" means "many loves." Where you share romance and sometimes sex with another person or persons. They are like another BF or GF.

Right now, it sounds more like you are in an "open relationship" with him. Where you are open to other casual sex encounters, but you aren't seeing these people regularly or even at all after the threesome is over. I'm not reading anything about you having strong feelings for the new partners.

And really? It's starting to sound like open for him but not open for you. It's mostly you in service to him. Is that true?

Mostly I read about you being unhappy with your sex life with this BF.

Like the 1:1 sex is/was great.

But now all he wants to do is talk about the next threesome.

But he won't have discussion about it ahead of time so it can go well for you.
  • If you bring up concerns like being left out during the threesome?
    • He doesn’t like to hear anything that he interprets as him failing.
    • To get you to stop talking?
      • He blows up. (He immediately gets into a shitty mood (becomes defensive, asks me why I bring up stuff from the past “when we weren’t even really dating” or storms off)
      • He flips it around on you ( tells me i always want to be negative about everything, and says “I don’t want to even do it, if it’s gonna cause this much stress!”)
      • He minimizes/doesn't take personal responsibility (he got frustrated like "it’s just sex I can’t control what happens")
I notice he doesn't say "Thanks for bringing this up. I'm sorry about that. I'm willing to try to ___ so these experiences can go better for you. It's hard in the heat of the moment, so please remind me. But I'm willing to try."

Like why's it sooooo hard for him to demonstrate he cares about how these threesomes go for you?

Does the other guest get treated that way afterward too -- disposable? Unconsidered?

Are you actual living people to him? Or just dollies?

I’ve told him many times he can talk to other girls if he wants, but he insists he doesn’t want to.​

Are you the bait on the hook to draw the other women into threesomes? Are you the one who is supposed to set up the threesomes?

I think you could just skip the threesomes if they are meh for you. He can go set his own threesomes up himself.

If he insists he doesn't want to talk to other girls without you? Ok. That's his choice. Don't talk to them then.

Keep this WAY simpler on you.

he acts like I’m accusing him of talking to girls or cheating or something.

He sounds like he takes a lot of things personally. And/or he projects what he thinks on to what YOU do. Like he expects/thinks you to cheat on him or something if you talk to other guys. And because he's suspicious by nature, he figures all people are like that, even you.

We’ve both been through a lot the last two years with aging parents, I was in ICU with kidney failure for a week last Christmas.

I get that in the past and recent past you were both there for each other through the aging parents and the kidney thing.

But if LATELY it's just ugh? You are not obligated to stay in a relationship because they did something nice 6 months ago, a year ago, whatever.

Maybe you are outgrowing this dynamic. And you are hoping he will talk. So the dynamic can change, and then you can stay in this relationship.

But if he's not willing to talk and change some things so you can be comfortable continuing to participate here with him? The dynamic just isn't gonna change? You can just expect new blahs? Maybe you are outgrowing him and the whole relationship then.

If everything is being reduced to when he gets to have the next threesome and you are supposed to be present and play the role he wants for you and you feel uncomfortable? There's fights and gaslighting? What part of this is FUN or HEALTHY relating? :(

Don't let your soft feelings for the guy keep you in a situation that is basically blah. Just hoping one day it will magically change.

You don't HAVE to continue. Your consent to participate in things belongs to you. You could say "No, thanks. I don't want to continue here. I'm done." And walk away if you have to. Change your situation yourself.

Because you have worth and dignity. And you deserve to be treated well and like your concerns matter to your partner.

Not just putting up with a partner who blows you off all the time or messes with your head (gaslighting) or bullies you into things (fighting, tantrums, pressure. silent treatment, etc) and then this meh threesome stuff you aren't into.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

Bustamove42086

New member
Do you have friends and family you can turn to? Or has being in this relationship cut you off from support from other places?

I hope posting here makes you realize that things aren't so hot here. This isn't sounding like "normal poly" or "normal open relationship." This sounds more like "He gets most of the receiving."

You might not be an expert on poly or open relationship but you ARE the expert on YOU. If you don't like how you are treated here... why stay?



Again... did all the participants agree to this? Or are you and him reading the texts while the third person thinks they are private only to the person they texted? That's a violation of privacy, and using people to get off.



Which is why I asked if your role is mostly to be his "dolly" that just does whatever he wants so he can have two people in bed. Not trying to be mean about it. Just trying to understand what you are shooting for in this relationship.

Set this guy aside for a minute. What do YOU want from your romances?

"Polyamory" means "many loves." Where you share romance and sometimes sex with another person or persons. They are like another BF or GF.

Right now, it sounds more like you are in an "open relationship" with him. Where you are open to other casual sex encounters, but you aren't seeing these people regularly or even at all after the threesome is over. I'm not reading anything about you having strong feelings for the new partners.

And really? It's starting to sound like open for him but not open for you. It's mostly you in service to him. Is that true?

Mostly I read about you being unhappy with your sex life with this BF.

Like the 1:1 sex is/was great.

But now all he wants to do is talk about the next threesome.

But he won't have discussion about it ahead of time so it can go well for you.
  • If you bring up concerns like being left out during the threesome?
    • He doesn’t like to hear anything that he interprets as him failing.
    • To get you to stop talking?
      • He blows up. (He immediately gets into a shitty mood (becomes defensive, asks me why I bring up stuff from the past “when we weren’t even really dating” or storms off)
      • He flips it around on you ( tells me i always want to be negative about everything, and says “I don’t want to even do it, if it’s gonna cause this much stress!”)
      • He minimizes/doesn't take personal responsibility (he got frustrated like "it’s just sex I can’t control what happens")
I notice he doesn't say "Thanks for bringing this up. I'm sorry about that. I'm willing to try to ___ so these experiences can go better for you. It's hard in the heat of the moment, so please remind me. But I'm willing to try."

Like why's it sooooo hard for him to demonstrate he cares about how these threesomes go for you?

Does the other guest get treated that way afterward too -- disposable? Unconsidered?

Are you actual living people to him? Or just dollies?



Are you the bait on the hook to draw the other women into threesomes? Are you the one who is supposed to set up the threesomes?

I think you could just skip the threesomes if they are meh for you. He can go set his own threesomes up himself.

If he insists he doesn't want to talk to other girls without you? Ok. That's his choice. Don't talk to them then.

Keep this WAY simpler on you.



He sounds like he takes a lot of things personally. And/or he projects what he thinks on to what YOU do. Like he expects/thinks you to cheat on him or something if you talk to other guys. And because he's suspicious by nature, he figures all people are like that, even you.



I get that in the past and recent past you were both there for each other through the aging parents and the kidney thing.

But if LATELY it's just ugh? You are not obligated to stay in a relationship because they did something nice 6 months ago, a year ago, whatever.

Maybe you are outgrowing this dynamic. And you are hoping he will talk. So the dynamic can change, and then you can stay in this relationship.

But if he's not willing to talk and change some things so you can be comfortable continuing to participate here with him? The dynamic just isn't gonna change? You can just expect new blahs? Maybe you are outgrowing him and the whole relationship then.

If everything is being reduced to when he gets to have the next threesome and you are supposed to be present and play the role he wants for you and you feel uncomfortable? There's fights and gaslighting? What part of this is FUN or HEALTHY relating? :(

Don't let your soft feelings for the guy keep you in a situation that is basically blah. Just hoping one day it will magically change.

You don't HAVE to continue. Your consent to participate in things belongs to you. You could say "No, thanks. I don't want to continue here. I'm done." And walk away if you have to. Change your situation yourself.

Because you have worth and dignity. And you deserve to be treated well and like your concerns matter to your partner.

Not just putting up with a partner who blows you off all the time or messes with your head (gaslighting) or bullies you into things (fighting, tantrums, pressure. silent treatment, etc) and then this meh threesome stuff you aren't into.

Galagirl
I appreciate your thoughtful response so much. I haven’t talked to anyone about this aspect of the relationship. I started to with my therapist once but the second I said the word threesome she started to act concerned and judgy so I didn’t discuss it further. With the other people, I meant we agreed to have the conversations in a group text format, so everyone was in the convo. He does take things very personally and he’s really competitive about being the best, I think especially when it comes to being good in bed.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Glad it helps you some.

Some people talk about sex like "Getting laid." I prefer to say "share sex" instead.

"Getting laid" to me is like "getting some fries" or "getting a soda." You don't really care what's going on in the fast food worker's life or what's up with the soda machine so long as you get the fries or the soda. I know I don't care. I just want to give them my money at the drive thru and get the fries and get out. I'm basic polite and all, but I don't care what's going on with the worker on a deeper level. I don't expect them to care about me past bringing me the fries. They are a stranger to me.

"Share sex" implies that sex is a shared experience where you hope to be a good sharer, and expect the partner(s) to be a good sharer back. You are intersted in this person AS A PERSON. And they you. Not just treating the other person like a dispensing sex machine or like a treadmill you go for a jog on.

I started to with my therapist once but the second I said the word threesome she started to act concerned and judgy so I didn’t discuss it further.

Could seek a different therapist.

But really is it all that different? If you were talking about 1:1 sex with your partner where he's only interested in how it goes for him and doesn't really care how the experience goes for you? It's kinda the same in a threesome where he is only interested in how it goes for him and doesn't really care how the experience goes for you.

Still gonna be blah for you both ways.

He does take things very personally and he’s really competitive about being the best, I think especially when it comes to being good in bed.

Best at sharing sex? I don't know how "good" he can be if he's not willing to talk to partners to make sure they're having a good time being there.

If he's just wanting to be the "best" at getting himself off? Well... if he gets off I guess that's all that matters to him.

I don't know where the sex judges are giving the score card after each performance. In his mind, I guess. So if he's busy telling himself he's all that in his mind, he's not gonna want to hear ACTUAL feedback from partners.

You've been here long enough at 3.5 years for the NRE to have worn off and the pink fluffy lala clouds to have lifted. It's reality check time.
Do you like what you have here or not so much?

What do YOU want to be doing in your relationships? How do YOU want to be treated? Does he even make the cut? Meet your personal standards for what you seek in a partner? Or not so much?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Top