I met my now 'boyfriend' (of nearly two years) when we were both in couples and swinging. Me and him ended up exclusive with just each other and our 'primary' partners (both our partners had other exclusive partners too). I had some long standing issues with my primary partner and we have since separated. What was once a welcoming friendship with my boyfriend's primary partner became hostile once I became single. She basically said that she didn't want him seeing me any more and when he said that he couldn't do that, she started messaging me and telling me that it is now cheating. I am now 'the other woman' and I know that this has caused significant stress on their relationship. My boyfriend doesn't want me to leave and I don't either, as he says that he gets too much from our relationship/friendship. I can see the pain it is causing her and although I've tried to talk this through with her it made things way worse. I haven't tried to take him away from her - we probably see each other less now I'm single. He and her are seeing other people, which it seems is fine, as long as its not me. I'm at a loss of what to do. I don't want to leave this man, but I don't want to hurt people either.
My boyfriend's girlfriend hates me
- Thread starter easytiger
- Start date
You have a break up with your primary partner, so now she's mean to you? What kinda person does that? Kick a person when they are recently down?
She tells him he's a big ol' cheater and to dump you.
He says no, not dumping you.
So now instead of being mad at HIM for cheating on their agreements, she's gonna act out at YOU because he's cheating on his agreements with her?
What IS the agreement he is cheating on? And if he's not cheating on anything and she's just mad he won't let her be Queen Bee in charge of all his choices? Well good on him for having healthy boundaries.
She can call you a purple 3 headed alien or whatever. You aren't the one making drama and causing stress. If she sits around thinking things that crank her up? Then she's the one cranking her own self up.
If anything you sound like you've been dealing with the break up. And not seeing much of this hinge lately since you became single.
So if she's making a tempest in her own teapot? You don't have to feel bad or jump in there with her just to keep her company.
So don't break up.
Have a very separate V and let him deal with her. And tell him you are disconnecting/blocking her. You expect him to deal with his stuff with her on that side over THERE on that side and not drag you into it.
You aren't dating her. He is.
So don't talk to her. Why's it your job to be her life coach?
She can learn to stop cranking her own self up. If she needs help with that? She can ask OTHER PEOPLE for that help. It doesn't have to be from you. She can get a counselor, talk to her friends, etc.
If it's that she only wants to swing in couples and he doesn't?
Well, it's on them to decide to adjust agreements or break up. That's not your business. That's stuff on THAT side of the V. Don't get sucked in.
HOW are you hurting her by just existing and having had a recent a break up happen? That life stuff happening to you. Not you being out to get her somehow.
Let her weird be HER weird. Don't pick up her baggage for yourself. Do nothing.
Galagirl
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
She doesn't hate you for having a loving relationship, she is fearful that you will steal her man. Just because people agree to poly doesn't mean that they won't find particular individuals and situations threatening. And just because people agree to poly doesn't mean that they are emotionally able to roll with everything that comes along. She's fine with most people, but you clearly have become a threat to her security. She's not crazy to fear it. You are not trying to take him away from her, but the fact is that there are lovers that come along and become game changers in our lives. Maybe you're one for him, maybe not - but she's not irrational for fearing it. I've found that the first step in getting somewhere positive with messy feelings is to first know what I value the most and then to let others have their values. Let go of the rope. You both don't have to come to the same place for this all to work, but you do have to stop trying to make her feel OK about this - even if that effort is mostly in your own mind. Let her have her perspective and you stand unapologetically in yours. You don't need her cooperation in order to find your own peace about this - and your own peace is what will lead you forward toward what you value.
Last edited:
Hello easytiger,
It seems to me that you have two options here ... one is to keep seeing your boyfriend, and hurt his primary partner in the process ... and the other one is to leave him, and thus hurt both you and him. Either option hurts somebody. I guess if we are voting, I vote for continuing to see him, as that hurts the smaller number of people. Now I know, this is not ideal, what you are hoping for is some kind of a *third* option, some kind of win-win solution, and it makes me sad to say that I can't see such an option. I would say, try to talk this through with her, but you've already tried that. If I can think of another solution I'll let you know; in the meantime, my advice is to keep seeing him.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
It seems to me that you have two options here ... one is to keep seeing your boyfriend, and hurt his primary partner in the process ... and the other one is to leave him, and thus hurt both you and him. Either option hurts somebody. I guess if we are voting, I vote for continuing to see him, as that hurts the smaller number of people. Now I know, this is not ideal, what you are hoping for is some kind of a *third* option, some kind of win-win solution, and it makes me sad to say that I can't see such an option. I would say, try to talk this through with her, but you've already tried that. If I can think of another solution I'll let you know; in the meantime, my advice is to keep seeing him.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
vinsanity0
Active member
Such is the politics of swinging. This is why I put swinging more to the side of monogamy than non-monogamy. Everything was fine until you became "single". I put that in quotations because you didn't actually become single. You merely lost one of your partners. However, according to her mono way of thinking, you are now single and looking for a primary partner. It is fairly obvious that she is not poly, but a mono person who has fun playing around on the side, like most swingers. You and your bf seem to have grown beyond that.
Is she willing to sit down with you and talk about this? Hopefully she can be reassured that you are not looking to cowgirl "her man".
Is she willing to sit down with you and talk about this? Hopefully she can be reassured that you are not looking to cowgirl "her man".
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
This sounds eerily like some friends of mine in my area. So much so that I'm wondering if you could be them. I'm friends with who would be your boyfriend and his primary partner.
They were swingers. That's how I know them. From the kink/swinger scene. They opened their relationship to play/swing with others with the idea of limiting emotional attachment with others. As many swingers discover,there is opportunity to build friendships with the people you swing with but at this time,it worked well for them. It was just friendship other than play. They mostly opted for other coupled partners although it wouldn't always be a couple swap. Sometimes they'd mix and match.
This changed over time and they started to blur the boundaries with relationships until they got to a place where they each had a partner outside their marriage. This is where they made mistakes because they made some agreements with each other that were not wise IMO. One of those agreements were that they'd only be with people who had primary partners like they did. They felt that would avoid conflict or competition. And maybe they are right that it avoids one particular issue but it doesn't account for the fact that relationships evolve. Making the agreement made sense when everyone was in a stable primary relationship but when they didnt, issues set in.
The husband recognised that just because his girlfriend has broken up with her husband, like most people who leave a LTR, she isn't looking to replace him right away or maybe even ever. There is still copious disentanglement to get through and she needs to breathe. However his wife sees it as him breaking an agreement and his reluctance to break up with his girlfriend further convinces her that their attachment to each other has negated their rules around prioritising the primary relationship.
So this is where they are: the girlfriend and boyfriend of the married couple had no idea that their secondary relationship was hinged on the success of their primary relationship because my friends didn't think it important to tell other people the agreements they made. Even when they concerned said other people. Now the girlfriend doesn't understand why she is threatened with losing 2 partners because 1 relationship didn't work out.
They were swingers. That's how I know them. From the kink/swinger scene. They opened their relationship to play/swing with others with the idea of limiting emotional attachment with others. As many swingers discover,there is opportunity to build friendships with the people you swing with but at this time,it worked well for them. It was just friendship other than play. They mostly opted for other coupled partners although it wouldn't always be a couple swap. Sometimes they'd mix and match.
This changed over time and they started to blur the boundaries with relationships until they got to a place where they each had a partner outside their marriage. This is where they made mistakes because they made some agreements with each other that were not wise IMO. One of those agreements were that they'd only be with people who had primary partners like they did. They felt that would avoid conflict or competition. And maybe they are right that it avoids one particular issue but it doesn't account for the fact that relationships evolve. Making the agreement made sense when everyone was in a stable primary relationship but when they didnt, issues set in.
The husband recognised that just because his girlfriend has broken up with her husband, like most people who leave a LTR, she isn't looking to replace him right away or maybe even ever. There is still copious disentanglement to get through and she needs to breathe. However his wife sees it as him breaking an agreement and his reluctance to break up with his girlfriend further convinces her that their attachment to each other has negated their rules around prioritising the primary relationship.
So this is where they are: the girlfriend and boyfriend of the married couple had no idea that their secondary relationship was hinged on the success of their primary relationship because my friends didn't think it important to tell other people the agreements they made. Even when they concerned said other people. Now the girlfriend doesn't understand why she is threatened with losing 2 partners because 1 relationship didn't work out.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
vinsanity0
Active member
But if you think about it, they each have a primary and one secondary. It works for them because it's a tit for tat sort of thing. It's a very delicate balance. Now that one person has lost their primary, the jealousy and insecurities come out.
Cat and I had many friends in the swinging lifestyle. One would think they would understand poly, but not one of them did. They viewed falling in love with someone who was not your primary as cheating. One couple we knew, the guy fell in love with someone they had a threesome with. Instead of trying a triad, he left his wife for this other woman. Another pair of couples had a sort of quad going, but there was no way a man from one couple could have sex alone with a woman from the other couple. Nor could the two women have sex alone. It is very rare for swingers to have autonomous relationships outside of their marriage. We see people come here all the time who have problems because they are swingers who have fallen in love with someone who was only supposed to be a sex partner.
I have no problems with swingers or swinging. I just don't view that as anything close to poly.
FallenAngelina
Well-known member
I absolutely agree. Poly and swinging are two completely different mind sets.
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
I would say that with the swingers I know, it isnt that they forbid falling in love so much as integrating those other people you love into your life as partners.
I'll expand more later. Trying to cook this Goddamn goose
I'll expand more later. Trying to cook this Goddamn goose