My ex approached me about being in a poly relationship with him after a year apart

GreenT

New member
My ex and I ended our relationship terribly, with lots of high intense emotions. There was no cheating; we had just reached a breaking point with each other and we ended it suddenly, for many reasons, to elaborate on later, if needed.

After being at war for 10 or so months (child custody issues) he approached me to say he still loves me deeply, I am his soulmate, his twin flame, he missed me, etc. The difficulty was that he had gotten with another woman during our separation, moved her into our previous home and got her pregnant within 2 months.

We spoke at length after he told me this. Things happened. It's been a whirlwind. He decided the only way he could 'have it all,' i.e., me and her, would be to have a poly relationship with us.

I didn't want this, but I wasn't sure about a future, either. I want nothing to do with the other woman. She also doesn't want this, so I am told, but doesn't want to let him go.

I cant deny the connection my ex and I have. It's been a few months now. I said I would try. We have been working together to repair our issues. I have set a hard boundary with him that I want nothing to do with his other woman, at all.

However, things seem very turbulent in their relationship, and me coming back into the picture has only made things worse for them. They now have a newborn and lots of other issues. I am not holding out in hope it falls apart for them. I am selfishly exploring how I feel with my ex and enjoying the time we do spend together. I don't know if we have a future together, or in this dynamic, but I didn't want to let it slip away if there was a chance.

However, because I won't have anything to do with his other side it is creating more tensions for him. Recently she has caused trouble for me in a few ways, social media, etc. But today I received a message from him, that he is getting it in the neck because I won't talk to her. I don't see this as my problem and him spouting off to me about it is him venting. But I've just repeated my boundary to him.

I am new to this. I don't know if its something I want to continue. But I wondered if anyone out there had any views or advice for me.

Thanks.
 
Hello GreenT,

There are a lot of red flags in this situation, but I do see that you still love your ex, and you are not ready to let him go. You want a parallel poly situation with him and that is perfectly okay, he shouldn't try to push you into a kitchen poly situation where you have all kinds of dealings with his other partner. That is a boundary for you and you have repeated it to him more than once. That's the best you can do. If he continues to push, you just keep repeating that boundary. He needs to realize that it's not going to change.

I don't know what else to advise at this time. Maybe if you'll keep us posted on your situation as it evolves, I might get more ideas of things that would be helpful to you. I guess one thing that comes to my mind is to be careful not to get too involved with him. Don't put yourself in a situation where you can't pull out, in case the drama gets to be too much. Also consider asking him to stop telling you so much about his other partner. Instead, he should keep things with his other partner on that side of the equation. Hearing about her is just making you more upset.

Just some thoughts, I hope things work out for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. This doesn't sound healthy. :(


After being at war for 10 or so months (child custody issues) he approached me to say he still loves me deeply. I am his soulmate, his twin flame. He missed me. The difficulty was that he had gotten with another woman during our separation, moved her into our previous home and got her pregnant within 2 months.

The timing there is tight. He moved this women in and got her pregnant 2 months after the separation with you? I'd wonder if he was already seeing her before you and he separated.

Does he want you back to either help her with the newborn, or as his "escape" from his newborn? Is she left dealing with it all?

We spoke at length after he told me this. Things happened, its been a whirlwind He decided the only way he could 'have it all' i.e., me and her, would be to have a poly relationship with us.

I don't know if that means he love-bombed you and got you into bed to share sex, or what. But he doesn't get to just decide things for the whole group. Each person gets a vote. A consenting, ethical poly V would require a " three-person yes" for it to happen.

I didnt want this but i wasn't sure on a future either. I want nothing to do with the other woman. She also doesn't want this, so i am told, but doesn't want to let him go.

I am hearing you and she both voting "No" on being in a poly V with this guy. It's not a three-person yes.

If he wants to break up with her, it doesn't matter if she wants to let him go or not. He could break up with her, and make decent coparenting arrangements to support the kid they made together. I'm not keen on him "blaming" her like that. Is he allergic to taking personal responsibility?

I can't deny the connection my ex and I have. It's been a few months now. I said i would try. We have been working together to repair our issues. I have set a hard boundary with him that I want nothing to do with his other woman at all.

This is not ethical poly. :( If she was saying no the whole time and he went there anyway with you, you basically agreed to become his cheating affair partner. The affair is out in the open and she knows about it. It's happening in front of her face. Are you cool with helping him do kind of behavior? Why help him cheat?

I am not holding out in hope it falls apart for them. I am selfishly exploring how I feel with my ex and enjoying the time we do spend together. I don't know if we have a future together, in this dynamic, but I didn't want to let it slip away, if there was a chance.

I'm not sure there is a real chance. He is okay stepping out on his partner and NEWBORN. I'm not sure what there is to admire about that behavior. It sounds like you let your old soft feelings for him lead you into mess, even though you told yourself you didn't want poly and wanted nothing to do with this woman. He is okay with that too, using your old soft feelings in his favor. I'm not sure what there is to admire about that behavior either. If he's one of those smooth talkers, who gets you all turned around and "giving in" to whatever he wants, I am not sure you are safe with him. Some people do not respect a person's "No." They view it as a challenge and a thing to break down.

I would dump him and tell him this is too weird and messy. I'd ONLY deal with him as coparent, and stop dating him. But that is me. You have to figure out what you want to do here.

Galagirl
 
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The timing there is tight. He moved her in and got her pregnant 2 mos after the separation with you? I'd wonder if he was already seeing her before you and he separated.
Or is he getting back with you to maybe circumvent paying child support to you? I have known men to try to get back together because splitting is expensive. Now he suddenly has another child to support. It would be so much easier if you all could raise the kids together.

I could be way off base, but you need to know.

You went through hell, so I’m wondering why you suddenly think it will work now, when it hasn’t in the past, now with an added girlfriend and a new baby in the mix? And wanting polyamory? Adding people and babies to a relationship doesn't make them easier.
 
I appreciate all your responses. Thank you. I will keep updating the thread.

I have gone through all of these thoughts and feelings over and over. There have been arguments and it's certainly not been plain sailing. The fact I haven't told my family or my friends about this either-- I know they would not approve and would state a lot of the points you mention.

I guess one thing that comes to my mind is to be careful not to get too involved with him. Don't put yourself in a situation where you can't pull out, in case the drama gets to be too much.

I really appreciate the honesty in this and it has been something I am very wary of. This is part of the reason I want nothing to do with this woman, as there has already been drama and lies told. As I said above, no one else knows about this in my circle, except me, and I haven't said anything. I am not even on social media and stuff is still being made up.

The timing there is tight. He moved her in and got her pregnant 2 mos after the separation with you? I'd wonder if he was already seeing her before you and he separated.

This wasn't the case. He declared his love to me in the January, regretting the decision to split and wanted to put things right between us. We were in court, fighting over child custody. I was very angry and ill at the time and not in a position to talk to him. There had been a lot of wrong decisions he made, and lies told, that I could not accept. I just wanted space and time away from him. My family insisted on me keeping my distance from him. I even told him I needed time away, but he can be the kind of person to not accept 'No' as an answer.

After our court appearance, he spun out and then met this new woman, via a mutual 'friend,' I am told. Within a month he moved her in and then the pregnancy was announced. This really hurt and betrayed me. This lead to the 10 months of no contact unless through a solicitor, until he approached me to talk.
 
I appreciate the complexity of what you're feeling. I'm truly sorry that you are going through this, but from the information you have offered it truly seems like this person is not a caring individual with whom to have a relationship, let alone a polyamorous one, with all that entails. I agree with Galagirl's assessment of the situation.

Seeing you add this:
he can be the kind of person to not accept 'No' as an answer
just confirms it.

I hope you can open up to your friends and family soon, so they can offer (hopefully compassionate and judgement-free) support, so that you can avoid this situation. Best of luck to you.
 
I even told him I need time away but he can be the kind of person to not accept 'No' as an answer.
This whole situation is full of red flags, but this is probably the biggest one. Not being able to take no for an answer is not great for a monogamous relationship, but even worse when you start bringing multiple people into into it.
 
In my view, if you feel unable to tell the people you love and trust about this relationship, and you know they would be concerned for you, maybe you have your answer.

Run and don't look back. Keep your communication about your children only. Work on your own life without him. To me it sounds like he enjoys manipulating two women. That's not poly.

So sorry. Good luck. XX
 
Hi GreenT,

I hear you saying that your ex can be the kind of person to not accept "No" as an answer. I want to point out that even if he refuses to accept "No" as an answer, that doesn't mean you have to change your answer to "Yes." It just means that you will have to be the one to enforce your answer. If you tell him you need time away, and his response is, "No, you need time with me," then you say, "If you won't stay away from me, then I'll call the police." And then of course don't make that an empty threat. Make it a promise you will keep, if he puts you in that position.

Such is my perspective,
Kevin T.
 
This lead to the 10 months of no contact unless through a solicitor, until he approached me to talk.

You could go back to no contact, unless through a solicitor.

The fact I haven't told my family or my friends about this either-- I know they would not approve and would state a lot of the points you mention.

It sounds like you know this is not a healthy relationship, since you hide it from your friends and family.


I encourage you to talk to them and get some support, if he sucked you back in. You might also consider a counselor if he's messing with your head.

There had been a lot of wrong decisions he made, and lies told, that I could not accept. I just wanted space and time away from him. My family insisted on me keeping my distance from him. I even told him I needed time away, but he can be the kind of person to not accept 'No' as an answer.

He sounds pushy and abusive. I worry about him hurting you, hurting your shared kid, or threatening to, just to get you to do what he wants. None of this sounds okay.

If you are not ready to talk to family and friends, I get it. But please consider calling a hotline, talking to your lawyer, talking to a counselor, etc.

Things here are not ok.

US: https://www.thehotline.org/

Other countries: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines

Galagirl
 
Thank you, everyone. I have decided to take a time out on it all and think on things. You all make very valid points. I think I needed to hear from independent people. I am limiting contact with him for the meantime, until I decide what is best to do.

He has since messaged to say I have hurt him for not speaking to his other woman in a situation when it mattered. I have refused to speak on it and will not apologise. In my opinion, regardless of the situation, I do not have to engage with anyone, let alone her. I am sure there will be other developments in days to come.
 
Thank you, everyone. I have decided to take a time out on it all and think on things. You all make very valid points. I think I needed to hear from independent people. I am limiting contact with him for the meantime, until I decide what is best to do.

He has since messaged to say I have hurt him for not speaking to his other woman in a situation when it mattered. I have refused to speak on it and will not apologise. In my opinion, regardless of the situation, I do not have to engage with anyone, let alone her. I am sure there will be other developments in days to come.
That is some emotional blackmail right there. You really need to *think* about whether to get back together with this guy? You should be glad you got rid of him while you still have a (hopefully) long life to live! Find someone who treats you *right*.
 
Why did you walk away from the house?

Did he have her consent when he originally re-hooked up with you?

If it is polyamory he wants, is he OK if you saw other people?

What would it be like if you shared about these developments with your social circle?

It sounds like all three of you to some degree are playing the “victim.” That is, until you really walk away. If you tell him to go to hell, will you take no for an answer?

Good luck.
 
I didn't walk away. He kicked me out of the house and took our child off me. The house was in his name and is military even though it was filled with all of the contents of my house! I never got any of it back.

I started court proceedings against him over custody of our child as he was acting very strange at the time. He took on a new religion and became very intense with it. He accused me of trying to kill our child and said I was having a mental breakdown along with alcohol addiction - which was all complete nonsense.

I was in process of selling my own home at the time (which was empty and 350 miles away) so once that was sold I then got my own house close by and very quickly started building my life again.

I took him on in court, got residency and reduced his contact time to 8 days a month.

Our "relationship" since it all started up again has never been about our child and its been made clear the arrangements stay the same unless circumstances require change. It has been about me and him and working through what went on and so badly wrong so quickly, why communication stopped etc.

Once upon a time we were besotted and happy 🤷🏻‍♀️
 
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When he approached me, it was in complete secret. She knew nothing at all. This went on for a few weeks maybe. By this time we were sleeping together daily. He was making excuses to leave the house to see me. Then he told her - he still loves me and wants to explore his feelings for me. He said if she didn't accept it she could walk away but it was something he needed to do. She didn't accept it. She doesnt now.

I didnt except it either. I said i didnt want a poly relationship. But i said i would try after much arguing and stress to explore how i feel selfishly.
 
Wow. That is frankly awful. The way the relationship imploded is not, in my view, love. But being besotted in my view is not necessarily love either.

I feel empathy for his other partner too.
 
I have mentioned dating others while we did this. He said he wouldn't stop me but he wouldn't like it and would hurt if i did.
 
I hope you feel better for the vent, GreenT. It sounds like you know things aren't great here.

How do you need forum people to listen this point? Like just to air out? Or offer more suggestions?

GG
 
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GG,

blogs are for venting. Forums are for discussion. And anyone offering suggestions is subject to criticism.

GreenT,

you are in a vulnerable situation. Your ex sounds like he is starting a cult and harem (which in my opinion is not Polyamory). Do not go at it alone. It is important right now that you surround yourself by those that truly love you. If you do not know what I am talking about, take a minute of silence and listen to find out who is trying to help you in that quiet space but you could not hear for the otherwise conflict around you. Find someone you trust sharing in person with. Get a reality check that way. Only so much can be conveyed on a keyboard or screen. Nevertheless, we are here to offer support to the degree possible. I admire your bravery and ability to take care of yourself.

Best wishes.
 
I didn't walk away. He kicked me out of the house and took our child off me. The house was in his name and is military even though it was filled with all of the contents of my house! I never got any of it back.

I started court proceedings against him over custody of our child as he was acting very strange at the time. He took on a new religion and became very intense with it. He accused me of trying to kill our child and said I was having a mental breakdown along with alcohol addiction - which was all complete nonsense.

I was in process of selling my own home at the time (which was empty and 350 miles away) so once that was sold I then got my own house close by and very quickly started building my life again.

I took him on in court, got residency and reduced his contact time to 8 days a month.

Our "relationship" since it all started up again has never been about our child and its been made clear the arrangements stay the same unless circumstances require change. It has been about me and him and working through what went on and so badly wrong so quickly, why communication stopped etc.

Once upon a time we were besotted and happy 🤷🏻‍♀️
That’s ton of information there! This history is downright scary. I wouldn’t ever get involved with this person ever again, but that’s me. Looking at this history I really don’t know what desire it is you have to possibly rekindle this relationship. I hope you walk away and find somebody else to love and have a fabulous life with. I wish you the best.
 
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