Thanks for more info.
I did step away. I did take some time. We had lots of discussions and arguments. Yet... I'm still in it.
I'm not sure that is stepping away, if you were still interacting to have discussions and arguments.
Are you able to take a vacation or something for a week or two, have ZERO contact with him, and get a taste of what THAT life is like?
He has apologised for many things, past and present, says he wants to be better, wants to be free in how he feels, wants to move forward. He has plans.
Cool. He can do that on his own, in his post-break-up life, and just be polite exes and coparents with you
He said he has blown apart his relationship with the other woman to bring me in. He has told his family and his kin. He wants me by his side. Mentioned a hand-tying ceremony with me, having another child. He wants to do the same with her, BUT he wants something from me-- commitment. He said he loves two women for completely different reasons. He also asked me to be a guardian for his daughter with his girlfriend.
Cool. He can want things. That doesn't mean you have to agree to his plans. You can say "Thanks, but I am not interested in all that. I prefer being polite exes and coparents."
His family and his GF's family have people that could be guardian for that child. It does not have to be you. You are no relation to that kid. Don't be mean to the kid -- after all, she's just a kid. But you also don't have to sign up to be that kid's guardian. There are other people for that.
He also tells me his girlfriend now accepts the situation and wants to see him happy.
Awesome. They can go do a poly V with some other person, then. It does not have to be YOU.
I am told she wants to meet me and for me to meet their daughter. I am very skeptical and unsure of the motives here when it was the polar opposite in recent months.
"Thanks for the invitation. At this time, I'll pass." If you coparent kids with him, eventually you might have to meet and see who your kids are going to be spending time with, but it's okay to be VERY slow about it. You do not have to be in any hurry, especially if he's pushing for a V.
In fact, if you do decide to meet her, you and she could meet
without him there. Just go for coffee or something. You can tell her you have no interest in being in a poly V with the two of them. You just want to be peaceful coparents for the kids, and you hope she's willing to do same. Just keep it on the kids.
He claims neither of them are my enemy, but so much 'drama' has happened that could only come from her, through jealousy, etc. Up until now, I have refused (as part of my hard boundary) to meet his girlfriend, or go to the house. I have stated I do not think it's appropriate to be a guardian for their daughter.
Yup to all of that. Good for you in sticking to your boundaries and not letting him bully you/manipulate you into new stuff that he wants.
I have been working with him via paired app on our issues together and having meetings to talk.
Good. Apps let you be at a distance.
We have a good time together and laugh and joke. I feel happy and loved in these moments.
Not good. Don't treat these meetings like an online date.
We have both stated we see a future together.
That future could be called "polite exes and peaceful coparents." It does not have to be you and him together romantically again.
I just don't know if I can accept her in it, with all the history. Ideally I would like a future with just me and him.
She is his other coparent/partner. You can't get rid of her. Even if they break up, he's still coparents with her, and that child is half sibling to your kids.
I am not against poly or open relationships. I am just very wary about this dynamic and his girlfriend.
Rightly so. Getting into a poly V with him and her would be WEIRD.
If you want to poly-date, you can. Pick out dating potentials who are not at WAR with you, who don't lie, make messes, etc. Choose people who DO respect your "no."
You do not have to date HIM.
Many raised their concerns last time I posted. I do take everything on board and I am trying to be careful. I am still trying to figure this all out.
I think he's a
Darth Vader BF type. Very captivating, but too messy. He wants you to do things YOU do not want. He's still playing on your old soft feelings and using his charms on you.
I don't think he's going to quit. Until the kids are 18, and you can STOP interacting with him as coparent, and reduce it to just seeing him as a guest at your kids' important events, like graduations, weddings, etc., you have to be the one to hold strong personal boundaries and keep saying "No."
To help you say "No" you might have to NOT coparent, and do parallel parenting instead. Use coparenting apps. Or even
ask the court for a parenting plan, supervised visitation, or whatever it has to be.
I feel like I can't walk away.
You CAN. You don't have to date him again.
I know he doesn't respect your "No," but YOU can respect your own "No."
Your only duties here are parenting related. So keep it that way.
If he's bugging you all the time, and you let this app chatting time become like some pseudo-online date thing, where he's buttering you up, and keeping your soft feelings for him going, nip all that in the bud. As soon as he starts flirting, tell him, "No flirting. Meeting over. If there's anything else, email me. Otherwise, I'll see you at the next meeting."
You have to reduce interactions to pleasant and polite, "all business." No going down memory lane. No paying you compliments. No telling you his poly-V dreams. None of that.
You get to learn how to
grey rock and be pleasant, flat and BORING when he hits on you.
"No, thanks. I won't be doing that. No, thanks. No flirting. No compliments on my looks."
Just play the broken record. Fully expect him to get mad, throw a pity party for himself, or flip it around like you are "too sensitive" or "too rigid," hopping around, trying to see which one works, to get his way.
You AGREE:
"I see you are mad and my presence bothers you. I'll give you the room." And you leave.
"I see you are sad and upset. I'll give you privacy so you can gather yourself." And you leave.
"Yep. I'm too sensitive. So please stop doing that around me."
"Yep. I'm rigid. I am just doing parenting things with you. This is not a parenting thing, so stop doing that around me."
Keep it on the present day and the coparenting stuff:
- "Thanks for being punctual when you pick up the kids. I appreciate that."
- "Here... the teacher wants both parents to sign the report card. Please sign here."
- "Here are the backpacks for the overnight. The kids have their Xmas money in there, in an envelope, in case you want to take them shopping at the toy store."
You might think about a counselor, if you don't have one yet, so you get help with boundaries and break-up support. This is all very fresh.
Honestly, if there's a granny or auntie or some other relative who is saner, like someone from his side, and someone from yours, to be buffer people? They could be the kid-drop-off point.
You leave them with your mom and he gets them and drops them off there. Or the other granny (his mom) drops them off and gets them there. The kids get some extra Granny time. And that way you get to skip him hitting on you and trying to get to you do poly with him. If somehow you cross paths at Granny's home, you stick with Granny. Never be in a room alone with him. Or don't even get out of the car and go inside that home. Just let the kids out and let them run over to Granny at the front door (depending on their ages).
I doubt he's going to try hitting on you and talking about poly in front of Granny. And if he does, there's your witness for later, when you want to talk in court about a different parenting plan because he's making things difficult.
Have you told your friends and family what's been going on, that he's trying to get back together and suggesting polyamory with his gf, and that you don't want that?
Have you asked for their support in holding the line? You don't have to do this alone.
I completely understand why you say that. I feel like I can't walk away.
