My feels.

Dh505

New member
Dear love.
If you ever find this please don't be hurt this is me just venting my over inflated fears and feelings. I know I leave out the crap I do. I'm sure me texting all the time and leaving you notes doesn't feel real to you but it is I do it because I love everything about you even the things I talk about here when you hurt me I remember how much I love you.





12/19/2020
Thats three nights canceled this week. I feel like you are pulling away and I'm fighting to keep you here. Maybe those hurtful things you said last weekend were real, I wish I was strong enough to let you leave. I wish you still were in love with me. I wish I didn't want to know everything about you and her but I do she makes you happy and that makes me so interested to see what about her does. Maybe I can learn to do things differently so when you are with me you don't miss being with her. Maybe you need more time with her maybe we split your time 50 50 . I don't know I wish you still wanted me the way you used to. I hope some day I can make you as happy as you make me . You are the love of my life and hold my heart in your hands at all times. I believe I it may be able to grow and let some one else in but I don't think i will ever love anyone the way I love you.

So this week I really felt like we were doing ok even after the conversation we had over the weekend where I pulled at strings that I shouldn't have. But we agreed last week to do the tie night and then since that was a sex type thing I asked for a date night on Tuesday because you said you weren't going out with her that night and I was off the next day. So Monday goes good no big bumps or fights so I think maybe the venom from the weekend was just you trying to hurt me before I can hurt you(which I really hope you learn I will never do on purpose and will destroy myself before I let that happen which is why you will probably never see this). So tueday afternoon i get a text im going out with her on our date night so I tell you have fun while I sit there dieing inside just wanting to scream when you get home you don't feel like it and I let it go still thinking about what you said on Sunday. We have dinner hang out and have a fun night but I hear you say it when you don't think I can hear you telling me I'm just here for the sex. It hurts because I try to have quality time with you and when I do you spend the whole time on your phone checking for the next text not being in the moment with me. Like when I get up during a makeout for a minute I come back and you are texting her little love yous and cuteness. We finish up and smoke and go to bed. We have a good day on Wednesday and then in the middle of the day you tell me you don't wanna do the tie thing in a zoom meeting if other people can see us so I say ok let's make up for the date we were going to have yesterday and you say ok so I get home from the doctors and you just wanna have dinner and go to bed. Again I agree but feel just dead inside but we play and it's fun we even renegotiate the water thing because we got the new toy and you kinda liked it (from my perspective). Thursday and Friday go great. We make a plan to go out on Saturday to go see everyone's lights and have special hot chocolate. But when you come home Saturday from your date you seem uninterested and distant so I asked if you wanted to go out or not and again its no. So I tried to put on a happy face and let it go but the third rejection of the week just was more than I was ready for and I let it slip to you. You took it as I was upset with you and I'm sure it came across that way and I'm sorry for that I was just hurt and not processing just dwelling. We played and had fun you apologized like you had done something wrong when really you were just being honest. I love that about you. Your straight forward this is what is makes me try harder to be honest with you.

12/20/2020

Today was a good day you felt a little distant this morning when we were laying in bed but probably just doing your own thing. I'm sorry I woke you up I didn't mean to. I was just laying here wanting to hold you its silly but I really love to wake up and pull you into me but it always wakes you up. So I just put my arm against you. But that woke you this time.
The rest of the day went well I really had a good day with you. We had a quiet afternoon until we tried to work on x mas gifts and the site we were using decided not to work with us and instead of accepting that I tried to help you like I do all the people I work with and tried all the things you just did . Then I stated I was just hoping you were having a "blonde" moment which was not cool. And you got upset. I'm glad you took off to cool down but I'm sorry I said that I never meant to imply you were messing up. I love you. But once you came back I over cooked 50 bucks woth of steaks and we had a nice night thank you.
 

Dh505

New member
12 21 2020
Today was a good day I woke up with you in my arms it was great. Got up worked out showered and had 5 mins to lay with you before I had to go. Even had a good day at work the boss let me use his high dollar printer to print the photos we needed to make xmas gifts. We had a nice night me you and the kidd watching family stone and having crunch wraps. I'm just sorry you have to be around her now that I know it hurts you but you cover it so well I forget at times because you are so good to her. And I thank you for never letting her know she bothers you. Oh the only bad thing about today was that I slipped up and told you about or anniversary trip to the spa and forgot when negotiating the info to add no getting mad about your late Xmas gift cause its the iPhone 12 pro with a blue unicorn case. But you just gonna have to take it cause I love you. But really thank you for an amazing day. I know I'm not supposed to say this to you anymore so I'm putting it here.
I would fucking burn alive for you I don't think there is anything in this world I couldn't take if I'm taking it for you. Your smile is what makes me want to wake up the way you love me makes me better. I love you baby with all my hear
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Welcome to the board. If you'd like any feedback on your blog, you can invite it. You seem kind of lost. I just can't help but share this article.

 

Dh505

New member
Welcome to the board. If you'd like any feedback on your blog, you can invite it. You seem kind of lost. I just can't help but share this article.

Feed nack is always welcome but the point of this is more or less an exercise in expressing my self and my emotions to keep this emotions in check instead of just bottling it up till it blows up all over my marriage.
Thank you for the link I will look into it
 

Dh505

New member
And lost is one way to put it but to me its more like wading through a marsh waiting for something to reach up and drag me down.
 

Dh505

New member
12 22 2020
Another great start to a good day I woke up with you in my arms stayed there a little longer than I should have but you are always worth it. Worked out and went to take the kid to her moms but her damn dog goes running in our room and then I get mad and make it worse sorry for waking you like that that wasn't cool and thats what you've been asking me to work on so major fail on my part. took the kiddo to her moms and then on my way from there to work I hit the median blew 2 tires and got pulled over and investigated for dui thankfully I don't drink so he let me go. You didn't even get mad when I pulled up making a massive racket but I swapped ot the other wheel and went to work then an hour or so later I get a good morning text from you with a photo of that ass that just don't quit damn baby girl. Thank you for that it totally re centered my day. Had a good day at work pick us up hot chocolate on the way home I know it was supposed to be coffee but I messed up the order so we could work on or xmas project and when I get home there youbare waiting for me looking fucking perfect dressed to the 9s in that red lace with your hair down and the boots you just got. It litteraly broke my heart ❤ I had been so caught up in what you had said to me a couple weeks ago that I wasn't prepared for that you showered me with affection and I'm sorry I cried I really thought you had checked out and were just keeping me from the pain but in that moment I realized you do still love me I know sex isn't everything and it wasn't even the sex it was the fact that you went out of your way to bring a smile to my face. Like when you used to send me little messages in the day just I love you im thinking of you stuff. Its been months since we were there and I miss it but that reminded me that you are still here. All I wanted to do after was tell you how much you mean to me and it all came out as thank you. Over and over. Then we had dinner from that new "ghost"kitchen which was freaking amazing.
Now I do want to thank you so much for last night that really brought me back to reality and then past it into floaty happy place I know I can't always feel this good but when I do its always because of you.
You light up my life I love you so damn much it hurts sometimes and you are going to have to accept that some day. I don't expect you to love me like that again I know I lost the right to that. I hope someday I can make you feel what you give me in these moments because you deserve the world thank you for being so damn amazing I love you.
 

Dh505

New member
Welcome to the board. If you'd like any feedback on your blog, you can invite it. You seem kind of lost. I just can't help but share this article.

I read the page last night and it hits all the points dead on I just wish I had the courage to show it to her so she could see where I'm at and what I feel. But I fear that she would take it as she's doing something wrong and she's not she is just happy with her new love and learning to balance things so ibwill try to remember that and look back at it when things get tough to remind me that no one is perfect at this and that its ok for me to feel hurt or fear abandonment but that I have to look at the context and remember we all make mistakes in this. So thank you for sharing that
 

Dh505

New member
12 23 2020

Another great start i woke up with you in my arms just you nothing between us I love that it makes me feel so close to you and I know you never liked it and probably do it for my benefit thank you. Then I'm at work just gushing over last night and youbsend me a little reminder of the beauty I saw last night and damn girl. My heart is just too overloaded with lust and love and all these hopes that we can make it all work me and you, you and her and us and the someone we find together in the future I know a thrupple is super rare and probably will never actually happen but the way you make me feel I would love to feel a small piece of that grow with some one we both care about. I don't see myself ever wanting anyone separate just for me but that could change as I grow and become more accustomed to the way all this feels and works but for me right now in this moment you are all I need (toxic i know).

So yea tonight I refound Mark I know I shouldn't have been on your insta but I wanted to see what you actually follow not the watered down version. And boy am I hot I wish I could see it all and I'm totally down to try a threesome with you both i just wish you were brave enough to have come to me with this sooner instead of me having to discover it we could have tried this so long ago I don't know how I'm going to tell you but yea I snooped and am a little embarrassed but like when I brought up the trans thing I hoped you would open up about that with me but I guess not.i don't know if I should tell you or keep my mouth shut and wait for you to trust me.

12 24 2020
We had a nice day today im sure I was way off I didn't sleep last night so I couldn't compartmentalize i was still upset you didn't tell me about him but by the end of the day I came to the realization it dosent matter I want to be with you whether or not you trust me enough to tell me about the guy you have been swapping nudes with and talking about meeting up for over a year and a half I was wrong to look but I feel like that is a bit less toxic than hiding a man on tour life for that long. Don't lie to me and stop hiding things I am ok with you doing what makes you happy as long as you let me participate in some of your happiness. Honestly hes cute and we could really have some fun. If you love him thats OK too we can fit him in to our lives God I wish we communicated better i shouldnt have to be drunk to tell you I like butt stuff.

12 25 2020
Great day nothing to share but I love you and I actually am already kinda wishing you could see this and if you are speak up because you know I'm to scared and never will. I love you baby girl you rock my fucking world.
 

Dh505

New member
12 26 2020
So I said fuck it today after you took off pushing me away as I really wanted to go with you but I realized you need your time too so I was sitting here where I always do and thought back to what I had seen and just said fuck it if I don't try she will leave and I will never have had a chance to fix this. So I nutted up and cornered you on your way in and spoke my piece. I really am not angry just hurt that you didn't think I would support you. I've always been your biggest fucking fan and have backed you up on everything including when we decided my family was cut off not like I haven't always wanted to run from them because I'm everything I was always told not to be ,

a drug using maybe into men too pussy who can't even just tell his wife I know you like fucking and I want a part of it men women trans its all fun I have never been with someone who identifies as a man but it is something I would like to try before I die and would rather try it in a shared situation with you as it would give me the confidence to try taking what I want I look at you going for it in your life doing what you feel like might make you happy and I hope it does make you feel excited and dirty and all those hidden things we never say i love the idea of watching you get it on like you want and actually feel fucking beautiful like I always try to make you feel.

Talk to me baby I love YOU not some facade that you think is all I see yes I wouldn't know what I know if I hadn't broken your trust. I did know you were lying and that there was more partners than what I was being told about I just didn't realize we had the same idea of what open meant minus the communication. I always believed its your body to do with as you want yes I claim it as mine but I am willing to share as long as you come home to me because you are home to me it could be just you and me in the little apartment we rented from nash or a big house full of kids as long as its with you and you go to the other room with our live in or take off with whomever for the week or what ever I know there will be things you just can't tell me because you feel like you are breaking rules but rules are meant to be broken not all the time but sometimes . I want to know everything but you don't trust me because I've hurt you before and can't promise I won't hurt you again.

I just want the future we sat here building multiple times me you and our third or fourth I don't know how big our hearts will grow and I doubt you do but I wanna find out with you. And if you grow away from me please feel like you can tell me and give me a chance to grow it back because I will slip up sometimes but I will always want and love you.

You are going out tonight so I hope you can get out of your head about this and enjoy yourself you deserve great things and happiness please never let me stop you from being happy. As much as I want you I would rather you be happy and me be alone than have you think you can't leave because it might hurt me. My hurt is not your concern at that point but if you love me and want to put the work in with me and build an honest as is reasonably possible relationship I want to do that with you.
 
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