My feels.

Dh505

Member
Dear love.
If you ever find this please don't be hurt this is me just venting my over inflated fears and feelings. I know I leave out the crap I do. I'm sure me texting all the time and leaving you notes doesn't feel real to you but it is I do it because I love everything about you even the things I talk about here when you hurt me I remember how much I love you.





12/19/2020
Thats three nights canceled this week. I feel like you are pulling away and I'm fighting to keep you here. Maybe those hurtful things you said last weekend were real, I wish I was strong enough to let you leave. I wish you still were in love with me. I wish I didn't want to know everything about you and her but I do she makes you happy and that makes me so interested to see what about her does. Maybe I can learn to do things differently so when you are with me you don't miss being with her. Maybe you need more time with her maybe we split your time 50 50 . I don't know I wish you still wanted me the way you used to. I hope some day I can make you as happy as you make me . You are the love of my life and hold my heart in your hands at all times. I believe I it may be able to grow and let some one else in but I don't think i will ever love anyone the way I love you.

So this week I really felt like we were doing ok even after the conversation we had over the weekend where I pulled at strings that I shouldn't have. But we agreed last week to do the tie night and then since that was a sex type thing I asked for a date night on Tuesday because you said you weren't going out with her that night and I was off the next day. So Monday goes good no big bumps or fights so I think maybe the venom from the weekend was just you trying to hurt me before I can hurt you(which I really hope you learn I will never do on purpose and will destroy myself before I let that happen which is why you will probably never see this). So tueday afternoon i get a text im going out with her on our date night so I tell you have fun while I sit there dieing inside just wanting to scream when you get home you don't feel like it and I let it go still thinking about what you said on Sunday. We have dinner hang out and have a fun night but I hear you say it when you don't think I can hear you telling me I'm just here for the sex. It hurts because I try to have quality time with you and when I do you spend the whole time on your phone checking for the next text not being in the moment with me. Like when I get up during a makeout for a minute I come back and you are texting her little love yous and cuteness. We finish up and smoke and go to bed. We have a good day on Wednesday and then in the middle of the day you tell me you don't wanna do the tie thing in a zoom meeting if other people can see us so I say ok let's make up for the date we were going to have yesterday and you say ok so I get home from the doctors and you just wanna have dinner and go to bed. Again I agree but feel just dead inside but we play and it's fun we even renegotiate the water thing because we got the new toy and you kinda liked it (from my perspective). Thursday and Friday go great. We make a plan to go out on Saturday to go see everyone's lights and have special hot chocolate. But when you come home Saturday from your date you seem uninterested and distant so I asked if you wanted to go out or not and again its no. So I tried to put on a happy face and let it go but the third rejection of the week just was more than I was ready for and I let it slip to you. You took it as I was upset with you and I'm sure it came across that way and I'm sorry for that I was just hurt and not processing just dwelling. We played and had fun you apologized like you had done something wrong when really you were just being honest. I love that about you. Your straight forward this is what is makes me try harder to be honest with you.

12/20/2020

Today was a good day you felt a little distant this morning when we were laying in bed but probably just doing your own thing. I'm sorry I woke you up I didn't mean to. I was just laying here wanting to hold you its silly but I really love to wake up and pull you into me but it always wakes you up. So I just put my arm against you. But that woke you this time.
The rest of the day went well I really had a good day with you. We had a quiet afternoon until we tried to work on x mas gifts and the site we were using decided not to work with us and instead of accepting that I tried to help you like I do all the people I work with and tried all the things you just did . Then I stated I was just hoping you were having a "blonde" moment which was not cool. And you got upset. I'm glad you took off to cool down but I'm sorry I said that I never meant to imply you were messing up. I love you. But once you came back I over cooked 50 bucks woth of steaks and we had a nice night thank you.
 

Dh505

Member
12 21 2020
Today was a good day I woke up with you in my arms it was great. Got up worked out showered and had 5 mins to lay with you before I had to go. Even had a good day at work the boss let me use his high dollar printer to print the photos we needed to make xmas gifts. We had a nice night me you and the kidd watching family stone and having crunch wraps. I'm just sorry you have to be around her now that I know it hurts you but you cover it so well I forget at times because you are so good to her. And I thank you for never letting her know she bothers you. Oh the only bad thing about today was that I slipped up and told you about or anniversary trip to the spa and forgot when negotiating the info to add no getting mad about your late Xmas gift cause its the iPhone 12 pro with a blue unicorn case. But you just gonna have to take it cause I love you. But really thank you for an amazing day. I know I'm not supposed to say this to you anymore so I'm putting it here.
I would fucking burn alive for you I don't think there is anything in this world I couldn't take if I'm taking it for you. Your smile is what makes me want to wake up the way you love me makes me better. I love you baby with all my hear
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Welcome to the board. If you'd like any feedback on your blog, you can invite it. You seem kind of lost. I just can't help but share this article.

 

Dh505

Member
Welcome to the board. If you'd like any feedback on your blog, you can invite it. You seem kind of lost. I just can't help but share this article.

Feed nack is always welcome but the point of this is more or less an exercise in expressing my self and my emotions to keep this emotions in check instead of just bottling it up till it blows up all over my marriage.
Thank you for the link I will look into it
 

Dh505

Member
And lost is one way to put it but to me its more like wading through a marsh waiting for something to reach up and drag me down.
 

Dh505

Member
12 22 2020
Another great start to a good day I woke up with you in my arms stayed there a little longer than I should have but you are always worth it. Worked out and went to take the kid to her moms but her damn dog goes running in our room and then I get mad and make it worse sorry for waking you like that that wasn't cool and thats what you've been asking me to work on so major fail on my part. took the kiddo to her moms and then on my way from there to work I hit the median blew 2 tires and got pulled over and investigated for dui thankfully I don't drink so he let me go. You didn't even get mad when I pulled up making a massive racket but I swapped ot the other wheel and went to work then an hour or so later I get a good morning text from you with a photo of that ass that just don't quit damn baby girl. Thank you for that it totally re centered my day. Had a good day at work pick us up hot chocolate on the way home I know it was supposed to be coffee but I messed up the order so we could work on or xmas project and when I get home there youbare waiting for me looking fucking perfect dressed to the 9s in that red lace with your hair down and the boots you just got. It litteraly broke my heart ❤ I had been so caught up in what you had said to me a couple weeks ago that I wasn't prepared for that you showered me with affection and I'm sorry I cried I really thought you had checked out and were just keeping me from the pain but in that moment I realized you do still love me I know sex isn't everything and it wasn't even the sex it was the fact that you went out of your way to bring a smile to my face. Like when you used to send me little messages in the day just I love you im thinking of you stuff. Its been months since we were there and I miss it but that reminded me that you are still here. All I wanted to do after was tell you how much you mean to me and it all came out as thank you. Over and over. Then we had dinner from that new "ghost"kitchen which was freaking amazing.
Now I do want to thank you so much for last night that really brought me back to reality and then past it into floaty happy place I know I can't always feel this good but when I do its always because of you.
You light up my life I love you so damn much it hurts sometimes and you are going to have to accept that some day. I don't expect you to love me like that again I know I lost the right to that. I hope someday I can make you feel what you give me in these moments because you deserve the world thank you for being so damn amazing I love you.
 

Dh505

Member
Welcome to the board. If you'd like any feedback on your blog, you can invite it. You seem kind of lost. I just can't help but share this article.

I read the page last night and it hits all the points dead on I just wish I had the courage to show it to her so she could see where I'm at and what I feel. But I fear that she would take it as she's doing something wrong and she's not she is just happy with her new love and learning to balance things so ibwill try to remember that and look back at it when things get tough to remind me that no one is perfect at this and that its ok for me to feel hurt or fear abandonment but that I have to look at the context and remember we all make mistakes in this. So thank you for sharing that
 

Dh505

Member
12 23 2020

Another great start i woke up with you in my arms just you nothing between us I love that it makes me feel so close to you and I know you never liked it and probably do it for my benefit thank you. Then I'm at work just gushing over last night and youbsend me a little reminder of the beauty I saw last night and damn girl. My heart is just too overloaded with lust and love and all these hopes that we can make it all work me and you, you and her and us and the someone we find together in the future I know a thrupple is super rare and probably will never actually happen but the way you make me feel I would love to feel a small piece of that grow with some one we both care about. I don't see myself ever wanting anyone separate just for me but that could change as I grow and become more accustomed to the way all this feels and works but for me right now in this moment you are all I need (toxic i know).

So yea tonight I refound Mark I know I shouldn't have been on your insta but I wanted to see what you actually follow not the watered down version. And boy am I hot I wish I could see it all and I'm totally down to try a threesome with you both i just wish you were brave enough to have come to me with this sooner instead of me having to discover it we could have tried this so long ago I don't know how I'm going to tell you but yea I snooped and am a little embarrassed but like when I brought up the trans thing I hoped you would open up about that with me but I guess not.i don't know if I should tell you or keep my mouth shut and wait for you to trust me.

12 24 2020
We had a nice day today im sure I was way off I didn't sleep last night so I couldn't compartmentalize i was still upset you didn't tell me about him but by the end of the day I came to the realization it dosent matter I want to be with you whether or not you trust me enough to tell me about the guy you have been swapping nudes with and talking about meeting up for over a year and a half I was wrong to look but I feel like that is a bit less toxic than hiding a man on tour life for that long. Don't lie to me and stop hiding things I am ok with you doing what makes you happy as long as you let me participate in some of your happiness. Honestly hes cute and we could really have some fun. If you love him thats OK too we can fit him in to our lives God I wish we communicated better i shouldnt have to be drunk to tell you I like butt stuff.

12 25 2020
Great day nothing to share but I love you and I actually am already kinda wishing you could see this and if you are speak up because you know I'm to scared and never will. I love you baby girl you rock my fucking world.
 

Dh505

Member
12 26 2020
So I said fuck it today after you took off pushing me away as I really wanted to go with you but I realized you need your time too so I was sitting here where I always do and thought back to what I had seen and just said fuck it if I don't try she will leave and I will never have had a chance to fix this. So I nutted up and cornered you on your way in and spoke my piece. I really am not angry just hurt that you didn't think I would support you. I've always been your biggest fucking fan and have backed you up on everything including when we decided my family was cut off not like I haven't always wanted to run from them because I'm everything I was always told not to be ,

a drug using maybe into men too pussy who can't even just tell his wife I know you like fucking and I want a part of it men women trans its all fun I have never been with someone who identifies as a man but it is something I would like to try before I die and would rather try it in a shared situation with you as it would give me the confidence to try taking what I want I look at you going for it in your life doing what you feel like might make you happy and I hope it does make you feel excited and dirty and all those hidden things we never say i love the idea of watching you get it on like you want and actually feel fucking beautiful like I always try to make you feel.

Talk to me baby I love YOU not some facade that you think is all I see yes I wouldn't know what I know if I hadn't broken your trust. I did know you were lying and that there was more partners than what I was being told about I just didn't realize we had the same idea of what open meant minus the communication. I always believed its your body to do with as you want yes I claim it as mine but I am willing to share as long as you come home to me because you are home to me it could be just you and me in the little apartment we rented from nash or a big house full of kids as long as its with you and you go to the other room with our live in or take off with whomever for the week or what ever I know there will be things you just can't tell me because you feel like you are breaking rules but rules are meant to be broken not all the time but sometimes . I want to know everything but you don't trust me because I've hurt you before and can't promise I won't hurt you again.

I just want the future we sat here building multiple times me you and our third or fourth I don't know how big our hearts will grow and I doubt you do but I wanna find out with you. And if you grow away from me please feel like you can tell me and give me a chance to grow it back because I will slip up sometimes but I will always want and love you.

You are going out tonight so I hope you can get out of your head about this and enjoy yourself you deserve great things and happiness please never let me stop you from being happy. As much as I want you I would rather you be happy and me be alone than have you think you can't leave because it might hurt me. My hurt is not your concern at that point but if you love me and want to put the work in with me and build an honest as is reasonably possible relationship I want to do that with you.
 

Dh505

Member
So in a nutshell married 14 years to poly bi wife e. Personally been mono until about 3 4 months ago when she pushed for me to try dating and see if I like it. (In response to her guilt for dating a man for the first time since married per her) taking her word. Well I started with tinder but non mono is not very welcome so tried ok cupid got nowhere but finally about a month ago I met two women on fet. Well one b. was looking for a smoke buddy per her post and the other d. was litterally I stumbled on to your profile and thought I'd say hi. D turned out to be in a relationship with a bad dom (kept breaking their rules agreements) and b. said she wanted a friends with benefits type situation I enjoyed both there conversation and they stayed online until about a week ago when I had my first meet with b.

Coffee and smoke in the parking lot then a tacos about a four hour hang out not touching kissing anything but great convo good time. Second meet was a 30 min smoke at my home with permission from the wife who kept saying at least get a bj come in. No touch again just hang out. But by that point felt ready but time and not the type to push. Finally Sunday this week we met up at my home again late afternoon again permission from e was first and she pushed again and said just go for it. I had stated I didn't want to be the first to fuck in our house as per her when her current partner c. hangs out its only been bjs. Well in the middle of hanging out we started making out one thing led to another and I got out of my head long enough to say yes when she tried. Hearing the fucking go for it in the back ground while the alarms are going off this is gonna hurt e but I trusted the go ahead and did it my decision.

When e came home I told her about it and she said she was good but felt sick from dinner so I took off to get the kid from her friends when I get back she is cold and won't talk to me. Won't let me touch her and the journals we pass back and forth are gone. Love notes my issues with her relationship . One for each as to make it easy to be prepared for what she might see. B. And is friendship is really good we talk about everything her issues with her self and relation ship and me as well. Very good friend with a bit of attraction.


My friendship with d started as I said above her in a bad relationship and then on top of that she had a family member pass whom she was really close with. And her bf/dom left her hanging no support no contact. So I told her to talk to him and a real world friend convinced her to walk away from him. I wanted her to wait partially because she was in distress partially because I wasn't trying to split them up so I could move in already talking about play woth b and happy at home ish. Read other posts to understand.
But we really hit it off and I'm guessing big feels on my end probably nre but either way we really hit it off back and forth on kik and turns out she's an artist and a teacher and needed a real friend so I checked my wants and was the friend it seemed she needed. Kept it there and would call her on it if she started sending inappropriate photos or talking about fun made it clear I wanted to stay in the friend zone till she got her rebound over and as ready to build a real relationship but we hit it off and I got real attached.

Back to Monday morning e still won't talk to me other than saying she did it to herself.. in person but atleast responds you too when I text her that I love her. In my head she read the sad journal hence why they were both missing and wasn't happy about something I felt about her relationship with c but let it go and when I get home try to talk. She won't say much still won't let me touch her and so I ask are we over. She says yes. The flood hits me in the chest and I go into panic mode but stop my self as this happenens when she's hurt it seems like a knee-jerk reaction she goes to when bad stuff happens so I try to talk again and she atleast talks back says that I told her I wouldn't be the first in our home so I lied. I reminded her I said didn't want to be first but she kept pushing and thats what gave me the final bit of go for it in my head. She backs off on the being done but I can tell she feels like I cheated on her. So I contact b let her know it went like I had told her I feared it would on Sunday and we would have to end things as I had warned her might happen. She's pissed as she has every right to be.

D on the other hand totally gets it as she's always been mono herself and understood from the start that if e says no ibwould back off as e is and will always be my #1 priority. Toxic I know. But honest.

I hate hurting any of them but I did and now I am stuck here with this feeling of being an ass because this is exactly how it's not supposed to go and happy because it turns out all the fear of not being wanted by e is flat out gone.
Please judge me and tell me how and where I fucked up.
Because I deserve to be flattened for all this.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Why do you deserve to be flattened?

E told you to go for it and share sex with B. You gave E. every "out" to change her mind. She kept pushing for you to "go for it." You decided to believe her. You shared some kind of sex with B. You were honest and up front about it with E.

You are NOT a mind reader. You have to believe people at their word. And if E. said for you to go ahead and consented without actually MEANING it? And now she feels upset? Well, tough lesson for E. to learn. That people are gonna take her words at face value so best she pick her words with care. Stop expecting mind reader-ing where people have to guess what she REALLY means.

You also warned B it might play out like this. She could have just skipped getting involved with you sexually. But she didn't. And E got jealous and you broke it off like you said you might. So B can be pissed or disappointed. But she can't say it was without any warning or like it was a surprise. You were honest and up front about it with her too. She took the chance and it came out how it came out.

D seems to accept that at best this would be a primary-secondary situation for you and her if there ever IS a you and her. E comes first. D would come second. You are being up front and honest with D about your situation.

So why do you deserve to be flattened for being up front with all these people?

The only thing I would say is that for you? YOU could come first.

Keep trying to treat E. decently, but stop with the mind reader crap. And when she's in a mood? Accept she's in a mood and says mean things when she's like that. You ignore it as best you can and don't pay it any mind. It's her talking crap.

Cuz there's the door. You can walk out of this situation any time you want to. So can E. You don't have to keep seeing each other if this dynamic is getting old for you.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

Dh505

Member
Thanks Galagirl. You are always so nice.

I feel like I shit on everyone here. I went after what I want and 4 people were in tears because of me. Honest and upfront or not I hurt all of us. Only one in this whole situation that didn't get hurt was c. And I fear e is gonna hurt him becuase she thinks it's only fair to me and I don't want that either if they go their separate ways I wouldn't want it to be triggered by my actions.
I'd rather them both still be happy together but I worry it's only so I can say you two are still together so I should get to chase d and see if it ever goes where I want it to which is a permanent connection.

I want to keep e no matter what. But now I want d as well and I fucking told e I would and did break it off with both b and d. How do I reconcile my need to take care of e and my want to chase d. I won't chase her. D deserves better than a man who at anytime could walk away because his primary feels threatened.

How do I negotiate what I want when I've spent my life checking myself so I can be there for everyone else.

How do I get past feeling like I don't deserve the same happiness everyone else does. Especially when it seems like everytime I do chase it I hurt someone. Why does me being happy have to hurt someone. I'm sure that's just in my head but it really feels that way atleast right now.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I mean this kindly ok?

You have to be responsible for the world?

Just because you've been with E the longest and she tries to make you be a mind reader and responsible for her feelings? Doesn't mean the rest of the world does.

You were honest and up front with both B and D. B took a chance. D also took a chance. However they feel after picking their behavior choices? That's their job to manage their feelings. Not your job.

Even if you are used to trying to do that job for E because she tries to make it be that way? It's still NOT REALLY your job to manage E's feelings for her. Or to make the world cushy so she NEVER gets upset like trying to appease the Volcano Goddess or something.

It's ok to want to be with D. But if you overreacted to E having a cow? And ended it with D? You can either ask D to take you back now. Or you wait til you are in better mental health before you try to have something with D.

How do I negotiate what I want when I've spent my life checking myself so I can be there for everyone else.

Could change it so it is you first. Just like on a plane you put your own oxygen mask on first before helping other people with theirs. Because if you keel over from lack of air? How many can you help really? Where if you put yours on first? You could help more.

It is not selfish to look after your own self. It is your responsibility.

  • Selfish is "Memememe! Screw everyone else!"
  • Self Full is the place in the middle. "I take care of my reasonable things first. Then I try to help others."
  • Selfless is "Themthemthem! Screw me!"

Aim for the middle. Then everyone gets some attention, you included.

How do I get past feeling like I don't deserve the same happiness everyone else does. Especially when it seems like everytime I do chase it I hurt someone. Why does me being happy have to hurt someone. I'm sure that's just in my head but it really feels that way atleast right now.

Because you are partnered to E. And you have been there so long listening to this stuff from her that you have absorbed it. And any time you try to do something on your own, E rains on your parade to bring the attention back on her.

I get that you want to stay with E. even though she really treats you poorly sometimes and you walk on eggshells around her. Since you don't want to end it with E?

You will have to do some work to at least detach emotionally when she goes off having a cow and not take her rantings on board for yourself. I'd encourage you to see a therapist.

I'd also encourage you not to be afraid of E having a cow. From what I read? There's no such thing as "cow free" here. It's a volatile dynamic. Sooner or later there's always gonna be some other cow. So if you choose to live in the land of cows? Accept there will be cows. And change how you react/respond to the cows.

happy because it turns out all the fear of not being wanted by e is flat out gone.

See? You have noticed that after all this time of her yelling and threatening to dump you... she stays? Cuz there's the door. She can go.

It's pretty much verbal abuse to get you to fall back in line. She's not going anywhere.

You cannot keep living like if you do something, E will dump you and "OH NO!"

If you decide to be here with E riding this out? You could change your mind about it. If you ever decide to leave E? "Oh well" rather than "OH NO!" If E does dump you? "Oh, well" rather than "OH NO!"

Because there was life before E. There will be life after E.

So how about for now in this middle time where you ARE with E? You don't have to be mean to her, but you also don't have to listen to all the cow having stuff and taking it on board personally.

You can just decide something with no chances. Or you could give her 3 chances to take the "out" when you decide to so something.

You start taking her at her word when she's not in a mood. No more mind readering.

When you recognize she IS in mood... you take nothing she says while in that state as serious.

Exercise better personal boundaries with E.

I don't know if anything here would help you any. I'm no doctor, but you def have some mood swings going on with E.


If you aren't going to change your staying-ness yourself and walk away from this dynamic? Then you have to change how you deal with it.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

Dh505

Member
3621

Well thank you for saying that this morning. it really made it clear where we are. Why should I wear a condom you never did and sure as fuck never gave two seconds thought to what it might do to me. So you keep talking to him all you want and do as you wish I'm no longer gonna let it affect me I'm not the one you want and I'm not the man you want me to be. I will always be your door mat and when you do something shady I know it's my fault obviously I'm nothing to you I won't touch you anymore without you initiating and I will keep on giving you everything I can. You think I would do to you what you've done to me but that's not who I am. I haven't done anything you seem to think I have and I would never do to you what you've done to me. I'm not perfect. I'm not ever going to be perfect but I don't fuck around and I don't lie to you so I don't know what to do here you act all surprised when you find things i told you about my journals my posts etc. I told you I had made a second fet for posting in the poly channels for help so you wouldn't see them immediately and get hurt. You said the same thing about the poly site forums but then you finally look at something I put out there months ago and now I'm fucking some one and lieng to you.

3821
I deleted all my outside contact for you yesterday. This will be the second time I've closed the world off for you now let's see if that will be enough.

31021
I want the real poly life I hate to say it but you've pushed me here now I've tried it and I don't know if I can go back. You have dated how many people since we got married and have done what you want with no care about how bad it hurts me. Until you felt what I feel everytime and remember how you told me my being jealous was just a problem with me even though you were litterally leaving me for him and playing like I was the bad guy for feeling left out of your life. Maybe it's my turn. I'm angry hurt and really want to feel what you got to when you had both of us there for your needs and then I got a fucking friend and you act like I betrayed you and did everything you've been doing to me except I respect you. Wouldn't do it if I wanted to

So you just have to ruin my relationship with veron huh. Why because she listened to me or because she told me I should be treated fairly. I just don't get it how is it ok in your head. I haven't done any of the things you punish me for yet I went to her after the first time I tried to kill myself since I sure as fuck couldn't come to you. and found some kind of help with the way I felt with my wife lieng through her teeth to me for months. Being set aside for some guy who what wrote little stories and played video games and ignored you unless he wanted to get off. And what does she do tell me to stick it out not tell you it's bothering me if I really agreed to you dating women why does it matter it was a guy. So what you accepted his want to get married and have all the things I ever wanted with you. Miss bellinger. She told me to be there for you, support you, not to let my anger ruin the one thing I had that I wanted even if it wasn't the way I wanted it. If ibwant you to be happy I had to find a way to be ok with it. but no I'm the bad guy that's fucking you over left and right. I've had your back from the start and when I hit that point you were nowhere to be found and even when I would try to talk about what it was doing to me you wpould shut it down with the if you're jealous that's your problem speech like losing my wife to some fuck was something I just had to accept. I'm not sure I will ever be "the same" again. You've proven what I'm worth which is nothing. Can be tossed aside for the next new thing at a whim.

Oh well guess I need to buck up and accept this new dynamic too. When I feel down and ready to cave just take it because you dont like me asking for help from the only person I could trust not to judge me. And she didn't meddle in anything she only gave me encouragement to go after something I wanted. Instead of setting all my wants aside for someone who hadn't even considered me when making decisions that would change the way we see eachother for the rest of our lives. She's my fucking sister has seen me at my worst. But you're right I had no right to go to anyone about any of it. I have to learn to just accept all the feelings I have about things and just be ok.





31621
Fuck sleepy time tea.
So I dreamed for the first time in months last night and I woke up in an existential crisis
did you lie to me about everything did over the years. Did you really go to the retreat, did you never invite me to the weddings because I wouldn't fit in or because you were going to see some one. I'm so fucked up by all this. And now when I think about those weddings in my head when I asked if I could or should come your response was always if you don't trust me come with so I would back off. I feel like I'm trying to convince my self you ever loved me. That hole in my chest is so huge right now I can't hardly breath I had an anxiety attack in the shower and again when I got to work what's wrong with me. I feel as bad now as I did the day I saw the Mrs. B text. I couldn't leave the gun behind when I know I should have and now all I can do is sit here and think would it make you happy. Would the fear go away. Will I ever be able to be happy again. Everytime I start to feel better the demon inside just grabs me and drags me back down. Why am I so messed up. Then the other side of me is like yea she did all that that's exactly what happened you know it's true why don't you go get yours do what you want not like anyone's ever held back to make sure you are OK. Fuuuucccck.

31721
So you got upset because I sit here from 3 when I wake up. I'm still upset about yesterdays dreams and I got mad you were there for lunch because I hadn't even tried to check my self when I came out because I intended to just sit in it and figure out what's going on with me then I came out and big surprise you're sitting there in my truck so it threw me. Then you put on movie to keep me occupied while you play on your phone probably not but that's how it feels when you throw one of those movies on since that's all it was for the last 6 months. I'm just jealous. You got to experience real poly and showed me how good it felt to you and then I found I would like to try and someone i was willing to wait and see if it ever became something even though she wasn't poly. So I made made real friend of her and you shut it down flat. " Too bad D I watched you go through fucking hell and never tell me to stop" but the second you felt icky instead of trying to talk with me or make an effort to be supportive you fucking slammed me back in my corner where I can just sit and wait for when you feel like doing the fun stuff. That you've also shut down. But you are doing the baby thing the same was as you did poly you just go and decide how it's gona work and don't talk to me about any of it. Like I'm just along for the ride. Oh here I need help managing my pee sticks I got obsessive about it. Ok thanks for including me I guess. We don't talk about the future anymore its like oh he's out of our lives so the future will just come atvus as it sees fit. I thought we wanted to build something. But I get it. That future was only a good idea since it kept me quiet while you were getting what you wanted but since you ended it "for me" even though I never asked. And now you resent me for it. Acting like it's all fine that it all went the way it did. I know you never respected me and I'll never get fair. I just want those things and so now I sit up in the morning wishing that any of it was real. But I know I don't get what i want. I don't get to have what you've had because accepting me as I am was or want to be isn't who you are.
 
Top