Dear love.
If you ever find this please don't be hurt this is me just venting my over inflated fears and feelings. I know I leave out the crap I do. I'm sure me texting all the time and leaving you notes doesn't feel real to you but it is I do it because I love everything about you even the things I talk about here when you hurt me I remember how much I love you.
12/19/2020
Thats three nights canceled this week. I feel like you are pulling away and I'm fighting to keep you here. Maybe those hurtful things you said last weekend were real, I wish I was strong enough to let you leave. I wish you still were in love with me. I wish I didn't want to know everything about you and her but I do she makes you happy and that makes me so interested to see what about her does. Maybe I can learn to do things differently so when you are with me you don't miss being with her. Maybe you need more time with her maybe we split your time 50 50 . I don't know I wish you still wanted me the way you used to. I hope some day I can make you as happy as you make me . You are the love of my life and hold my heart in your hands at all times. I believe I it may be able to grow and let some one else in but I don't think i will ever love anyone the way I love you.
So this week I really felt like we were doing ok even after the conversation we had over the weekend where I pulled at strings that I shouldn't have. But we agreed last week to do the tie night and then since that was a sex type thing I asked for a date night on Tuesday because you said you weren't going out with her that night and I was off the next day. So Monday goes good no big bumps or fights so I think maybe the venom from the weekend was just you trying to hurt me before I can hurt you(which I really hope you learn I will never do on purpose and will destroy myself before I let that happen which is why you will probably never see this). So tueday afternoon i get a text im going out with her on our date night so I tell you have fun while I sit there dieing inside just wanting to scream when you get home you don't feel like it and I let it go still thinking about what you said on Sunday. We have dinner hang out and have a fun night but I hear you say it when you don't think I can hear you telling me I'm just here for the sex. It hurts because I try to have quality time with you and when I do you spend the whole time on your phone checking for the next text not being in the moment with me. Like when I get up during a makeout for a minute I come back and you are texting her little love yous and cuteness. We finish up and smoke and go to bed. We have a good day on Wednesday and then in the middle of the day you tell me you don't wanna do the tie thing in a zoom meeting if other people can see us so I say ok let's make up for the date we were going to have yesterday and you say ok so I get home from the doctors and you just wanna have dinner and go to bed. Again I agree but feel just dead inside but we play and it's fun we even renegotiate the water thing because we got the new toy and you kinda liked it (from my perspective). Thursday and Friday go great. We make a plan to go out on Saturday to go see everyone's lights and have special hot chocolate. But when you come home Saturday from your date you seem uninterested and distant so I asked if you wanted to go out or not and again its no. So I tried to put on a happy face and let it go but the third rejection of the week just was more than I was ready for and I let it slip to you. You took it as I was upset with you and I'm sure it came across that way and I'm sorry for that I was just hurt and not processing just dwelling. We played and had fun you apologized like you had done something wrong when really you were just being honest. I love that about you. Your straight forward this is what is makes me try harder to be honest with you.
12/20/2020
Today was a good day you felt a little distant this morning when we were laying in bed but probably just doing your own thing. I'm sorry I woke you up I didn't mean to. I was just laying here wanting to hold you its silly but I really love to wake up and pull you into me but it always wakes you up. So I just put my arm against you. But that woke you this time.
The rest of the day went well I really had a good day with you. We had a quiet afternoon until we tried to work on x mas gifts and the site we were using decided not to work with us and instead of accepting that I tried to help you like I do all the people I work with and tried all the things you just did . Then I stated I was just hoping you were having a "blonde" moment which was not cool. And you got upset. I'm glad you took off to cool down but I'm sorry I said that I never meant to imply you were messing up. I love you. But once you came back I over cooked 50 bucks woth of steaks and we had a nice night thank you.
If you ever find this please don't be hurt this is me just venting my over inflated fears and feelings. I know I leave out the crap I do. I'm sure me texting all the time and leaving you notes doesn't feel real to you but it is I do it because I love everything about you even the things I talk about here when you hurt me I remember how much I love you.
12/19/2020
Thats three nights canceled this week. I feel like you are pulling away and I'm fighting to keep you here. Maybe those hurtful things you said last weekend were real, I wish I was strong enough to let you leave. I wish you still were in love with me. I wish I didn't want to know everything about you and her but I do she makes you happy and that makes me so interested to see what about her does. Maybe I can learn to do things differently so when you are with me you don't miss being with her. Maybe you need more time with her maybe we split your time 50 50 . I don't know I wish you still wanted me the way you used to. I hope some day I can make you as happy as you make me . You are the love of my life and hold my heart in your hands at all times. I believe I it may be able to grow and let some one else in but I don't think i will ever love anyone the way I love you.
So this week I really felt like we were doing ok even after the conversation we had over the weekend where I pulled at strings that I shouldn't have. But we agreed last week to do the tie night and then since that was a sex type thing I asked for a date night on Tuesday because you said you weren't going out with her that night and I was off the next day. So Monday goes good no big bumps or fights so I think maybe the venom from the weekend was just you trying to hurt me before I can hurt you(which I really hope you learn I will never do on purpose and will destroy myself before I let that happen which is why you will probably never see this). So tueday afternoon i get a text im going out with her on our date night so I tell you have fun while I sit there dieing inside just wanting to scream when you get home you don't feel like it and I let it go still thinking about what you said on Sunday. We have dinner hang out and have a fun night but I hear you say it when you don't think I can hear you telling me I'm just here for the sex. It hurts because I try to have quality time with you and when I do you spend the whole time on your phone checking for the next text not being in the moment with me. Like when I get up during a makeout for a minute I come back and you are texting her little love yous and cuteness. We finish up and smoke and go to bed. We have a good day on Wednesday and then in the middle of the day you tell me you don't wanna do the tie thing in a zoom meeting if other people can see us so I say ok let's make up for the date we were going to have yesterday and you say ok so I get home from the doctors and you just wanna have dinner and go to bed. Again I agree but feel just dead inside but we play and it's fun we even renegotiate the water thing because we got the new toy and you kinda liked it (from my perspective). Thursday and Friday go great. We make a plan to go out on Saturday to go see everyone's lights and have special hot chocolate. But when you come home Saturday from your date you seem uninterested and distant so I asked if you wanted to go out or not and again its no. So I tried to put on a happy face and let it go but the third rejection of the week just was more than I was ready for and I let it slip to you. You took it as I was upset with you and I'm sure it came across that way and I'm sorry for that I was just hurt and not processing just dwelling. We played and had fun you apologized like you had done something wrong when really you were just being honest. I love that about you. Your straight forward this is what is makes me try harder to be honest with you.
12/20/2020
Today was a good day you felt a little distant this morning when we were laying in bed but probably just doing your own thing. I'm sorry I woke you up I didn't mean to. I was just laying here wanting to hold you its silly but I really love to wake up and pull you into me but it always wakes you up. So I just put my arm against you. But that woke you this time.
The rest of the day went well I really had a good day with you. We had a quiet afternoon until we tried to work on x mas gifts and the site we were using decided not to work with us and instead of accepting that I tried to help you like I do all the people I work with and tried all the things you just did . Then I stated I was just hoping you were having a "blonde" moment which was not cool. And you got upset. I'm glad you took off to cool down but I'm sorry I said that I never meant to imply you were messing up. I love you. But once you came back I over cooked 50 bucks woth of steaks and we had a nice night thank you.