My GF of 6.5 years wants to open relationship/go poly

[someone]

First time writing in any sort of forum, but I don't know what to do.

First of all, I know the difference between an open relationship and being poly, not sure my GF does completely.

The title is pretty self-explanatory. My GF was in an open relationship when we met, but stopped believing in it after it didn't work out. We have now been together for 6.5 very good years. We both have the same dreams and wants in life. Or so I thought. Because a few weeks ago she sprung on me that she wants an open relationship/being poly, or we break up. She has previously said that she never wanted to ask me for it because she knew I wasn't into it and because she didn't believe it could work. But after she has been talking to a few people in happy open/poly relationships she has changed her mind. She doesn't want us to break up because of the life we have built, but she also says that something is missing. And I know our sex life hasn't been the greatest lately, mostly because she hasn't been much into having sex and she doesn't know if she has the energy to try to make it better. She is missing the excitement of falling in love and having experiences with new people while she is still "young and pretty" (I am telling her every day how beautiful she is) but still wants the safety of our relationship. I now feel forced into opening up or breaking up. And at the same time, I feel disrespected that she wants to have physical and emotional intimacy with other people when she is not willing to try to get those things back in our relationship. I feel like she has lost desire for me, while I still have it for her, and now she wants to keep me as the safe option while exploring desire with others.

I know I am not interested in that kind of relationship. And I know the sensible thing is to break up. But I don't want to lose her. since she is the love of my life.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts and advice on the matter.

 

[dingedheart]

First time writing in any sort of forum, but I don't know what to do.

Hi. Welcome to the forum.

First of all, I know the difference between an open relationship and being poly, not sure my GF does completely.

The title is pretty self-explanatory. My GF was in an open relationship when we met, but stopped believing in it after it didn't work out.

How long was she in that poly relationship before it blew up?
How many poly relationships has she been in?
Any idea on how much research or education she did prior to and/or during said poly/open experience?

We have now been together for 6.5 very good years. We both have the same dreams and wants in life. Or so I thought. Because a few weeks ago she sprung on me that she wants an open relationship/being poly, or we break up. She has previously said that she never wanted to ask me for it because she knew I wasn't into it and because she didn't believe it could work. But after she has been talking to a few people in happy open/poly relationships she has changed her mind. She doesn't want us to break up because of the life we have built, but she also says that something is missing. And I know our sex life hasn't been the greatest lately, mostly because she hasn't been much into having sex and she doesn't know if she has the energy to try to make it better.

Has the drop off in your sex life directly coincided with her talking to these people who allegedly have happy poly relationships? Are these people friends or acquaintances or are they off the internet that she went looking for? I’m not sure it makes a difference, but I wonder if this was something brewing in the background, or that popped up in front of her that got her missing that?

She is missing the excitement of falling in love and having experiences with new people while she is still "young and pretty" (I am telling her every day how beautiful she is), but still wants the safety of our relationship.

How old are you guys? I take it that the above sentence is essentially a quote of how she’s feels like she wasting her good yrs being stuck with you?

I don’t know the right or perfect way to have poly-bomb-dropping conversation, but I’d say this ranks as one of the worst. "Poly or break up" usually means they either don’t really care, or think that the relationship dynamic is so lopsided that their SO will cave.

I now feel forced into opening up or breaking up. And at the same time, I feel disrespected that she wants to have physical and emotional intimacy with other people, when she is not willing to try to get those things back in our relationship.

And guess what? There’s a high probability when NRE kicks in that the situation will get worse. You'll become even more annoying, especially if you display any type of negative emotion. There are loads of threads here on NRE BEHAVIOR. I encourage you to read through as many as you can stomach to get an idea of what could lie ahead, if you choose to continue down this path.

I feel like she has lost desire for me, while I still have it for her, and now she wants to keep me as the safe option while exploring desire with others.

Yes, it looks that way to me, too-- poly as an exit strategy. It’s been referenced with married couples where a spouse wants to monkey branch, using poly as a soft exit. In your case, it’s agree or fuck off, and/or agree and let me screen suitable replacements, and then when the situation becomes unbearable, let you decide to fuck off.

I know I am not interested in that kind of relationship. And I know the sensible thing is to break up.

GOOD. Hold on to that thought.

Do you live together and have any children? How messy will breaking up and separating be?

But I don't want to lose her, since she is the love of my life.

One-sided love of life is only going to make you a sucker/victim.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts and advice on the matter.

Good luck.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello someone,

It sounds like your girlfriend has a kind of vague idea of what she wants. She wants something that vaguely fits in the combined open/poly category. This uncertainty is likely to cause you some stress, you need her to do some research and get more solid about what she wants. You also need her to show more dedication to fixing her waning sexual relationship with you. I guess she figures if she had some NRE, some of the excitement would spill over into her interest in you. It's clear that she wants open/poly, and you don't. I don't know what to do about that. I guess you need to convince her to stop wanting open/poly, or alternatively, get yourself on board with it?

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[someone]

How long was she in that poly relationship before it blew up? How many poly relationships has she been in?
Any idea on how much research or education she did prior to and/or during said poly/open experience?

About 6 months, I think. That was an open relationship, not poly, the only one she has been in. She left her home country and wanted to explore, and her BF at the time said yes. They had been together for about 1 year at the time. Then she met me and we fell head over heels for each other and she stayed in my country with me.

I don't think she did any research at all. I think I have done more research since she asked me about it than she has done at all.

Has the drop off in your sex life directly coincided with her talking to these people who allegedly have happy poly relationships?
Are these people friends or acquaintances, or are they off the internet that see went looking for? I’m not sure it makes a difference, but I wonder if this was something brewing in the background, or that popped up in front of her that got her missing that?

So, I have always had a higher sex drive than her. And it has stressed her out that she didn't want it as much as me, or couldn't "give me what I needed," as she said. So I don't think it has directly coincided with it. Her drop off in drive has happened mostly because of depression, stress and anxiety because of school. But she is now saying that part of her depression is/was fuelled by feeling stuck in a monogamous relationship, and her therapist is telling her that some people are just hardwired to not be monogamous.

One of my best friends is in a poly relationship and then she has met a few people where we live that are also in poly relationships.

How old are you guys? I take it that the above sentence is essentially a quote of how she’s feels like she's wasting her good yrs being stuck with you.

She is 28 and I’m 27. She never said it like that, and I honestly don't think that she thinks she is wasting her good years stuck with me. She just wants more deeper connections and sexual experiences. But I agree that it feels like it's what she is saying.

Do you live together? Have any children? How messy will breaking up and separating be?

We live together in a rented place, no kids. So separating wouldn't be messy in that way.

One-sided love of life is only going to make you a sucker/victim.

I know. But the thing is, she keeps saying she doesn't want to lose me either, because she does love me and cares deeply for me. And I don’t doubt that she is telling the truth. But I don’t want to be chosen as the safe second option that is nice to have. I want to be chosen because she desires me and is excited about having a future with me.

 

[Tinwen]

It's rather atypical that a partner would make an ultimatum right away.

Does the sudden shift mean she already has someone in mind? Feels a bit "in love"? Ask her, if you haven't.

 

[Tinwen]

There's nothing wrong with wanting new experience, and indeed opening up can benefit relationships and bringing back some lost sex drive etc.
But if she isn't willing to work on the lack of intimacy and keep your coules' relationship healthy, a crutial element of what makes poly possible is missing. Plus, you indicate she hasn't done much reading into the different enm relationship styles (although she has real life role-models, which is a good thing).

You should most definitely discuss both these issues with her further. Maybe it isn't that she's not willing, maybe she just doesn't see a way.

 

[dingedheart]

About 6 months, I think. That was an open relationship, not poly, the only one she has been in. She left her home country and wanted to explore, and her BF at the time said yes. They had been together for about 1 year at the time. Then she met me and we fell head over heels for each other and she stayed in my country with me.

So essentially, they were dating just non-exclusively, and maybe remained in contact after she left for school, and got together on breaks and holidays?

I don't think she did any research at all. I think I have done more research since she asked me about it than she has done.

Does she acknowledge her lack of education on this shift in dating strategies, and how that could be a real issue/problem?

I have always had a higher sex drive than her, and it has stressed her out that she didn't want it as much as me, or couldn't "give me what I needed," as she said. So I don't think it has directly coincided with it. Her drop off in drive has happened mostly because of depression, stress and anxiety because of school. But she is now saying that part of her depression is/was fuelled by feeling stuck in a monogamous relationship, and her therapist is telling her that some people are just hardwired to not be monogamous.

It sounds like she’s got a lot going on. Is there some long underlying issue she’s seeing a therapist for, or just depression and stress of her current situation? Maybe this onion is really thick with lots of interconnected layers.

From up here in the cheap seats, I can’t see how adding new lovers into this equation will help, long term. It might mask those issues in the moment, while you're getting your back blown out, but the stress and chaos created will make things worse, IMO.

She is 28 and I’m 27. She never said it like that, and I honestly don't think that she thinks she is wasting her good years stuck with me. She just wants more deeper connections and sexual experiences. But I agree that it feels like it's what she is saying.

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being honest and not wanting to settle down and have new experiences. In my college and early professional life, I had to say that a few times. It’s a hard reality, and not fun on either end of that.

She keeps saying she doesn't want to lose me either, because she does love me and cares deeply for me. And I don’t doubt that she is telling the truth.

I think the determinative question is: is she IN LOVE with you? Over the yrs, we’ve seen countless people come here and say this exact thing-- they love their spouse or SO, but aren't in love with them.

But I don’t want to be chosen as the safe second option that is nice to have. I want to be chosen because she desires me and is excited about having a future with me.

And at your age, I don’t think you should settle. Ethically, I don’t think any age people should settle for that, but situationally I can see why some do.

 

[someone]

So essentially they were dating just non exclusively and maybe remained in contact after she left for school and got together on breaks and holidays

No, proper couple. I meant 2 years, not 1. And the half year when they were open was long distance. They were living together at the time she left.

Does she acknowledge her lack of education on this shift in dating strategies and how that could be a real issue/problem?

In the beginning, I don't think so. But after I talked to my friend, who is poly, and told her what he said, I think the realised. She has said we should do research together on it when I get home from traveling. But she also said she needs an answer in not too long, maybe a few months. She said she can't wait 6 months.

Is there some long underlying issue she’s seeing a therapist for, or just depression and stress of her current situation?

There is a lot of stuff from her childhood, having a hard time with commitment, feeling like it's wrong for her to be happy.

 

[MoPoly]

Our sex life hasn't been the greatest lately, mostly because she hasn't been much into having sex and she doesn't know if she has the energy to try to make it better.

She is missing the excitement of falling in love and having experiences with new people while she is still "young and pretty" (I am telling her every day how beautiful she is), but still wants the safety of our relationship.

Her drop off in drive has happened mostly because of depression, stress and anxiety because of school.

She is now saying that part of her depression is/was fuelled by feeling stuck in a monogamous relationship, and her therapist is telling her that some people are just hardwired to not be monogamous.

She just wants deeper connections and more sexual experiences.

She said she needs an answer in not too long, maybe a few months. She said she can't wait 6 months.

I now feel forced into opening up or breaking up. At the same time, I feel disrespected that she wants to have physical and emotional intimacy with other people, when she is not willing to try to get those things back in our relationship.

There is a lot of stuff from her childhood, having a hard time with commitment, feeling like it's wrong for her to be happy.

She seems to have a lot of issues and a big sense of entitlement, but that might just be from a short amount of text and me not knowing the situation. It also sounds as if she isn’t currently investing in your relationship, which doesn’t bode well for her managing multiple ones as a good hinge, helping you to feel loved and secure while she’s in the throes of NRE, etc.

One thing is clear though: if you are monogamous and want monogamy, you’ll just make yourself miserable trying to be polyamorous. Equally if she is truly polyamorous, she will be miserable trying to be monogamous. So it may be less painful in the long run to call it quits now. I know that sounds harsh, but don’t be coerced. By all means, do the research, but that doesn’t mean you have to come to the same conclusions she has.

 

[dingedheart]

No, a proper couple,. I meant 2 years, not 1. And the half year where they were open was long distance. They were living together at the time she left.

In any event, what they did or had in the 6-month LDR is not even in the same galaxy of what she’s proposing now. IMO, it’s essentially starting from scratch.

In the beginning, I don't think so. But after I talked to my friend, who is poly, and told her what he said, I think the realised. She has said we should do research together on it when I get home from traveling. But she also said she needs an answer in not too long, maybe a few months. She can't wait 6 months.

How long have you been traveling and been gone? Has being apart helped or changed anything with her, like clear your thoughts and feelings without distraction? I can’t remember when I've heard of someone dropping a poly bomb and then demanding a relatively quick decision, either/or. IMO, this sounds like there is person or persons she doesn’t want to keep waiting too long, in fear of them losing interest.

There is a lot of stuff from her childhood, having a hard time with commitment, feeling like it's wrong for her to be happy.

A healthy dose of childhood stuff doesn't make me think there’s a smooth, quick or easy resolution to her mental issues.

As the therapist said, some people aren’t cut out for monogamy, and, equally true, some people use the realigning of hips and NRE to self-medicate too. If she is demanding an answer in 2 months or less, would it be fair to ask for a mental-health report matching the same timeline, so you really have an idea what you’re committing to?

 

[Tinwen]

Mental health issues always make everything more complicated, yes, but I don't think that is the focus of this story. There is no need to pathologise her desire to open up, or the way she went about it. People want to do poly, or feel an internal time pressure, for any number of reasons.

It sounds like either she met someone, or it's just thinking in line with the typical "relationship broken, add more people" approach.

 

[dingedheart]

Mental health issues always make everything more complicated, yes, but I don't think that is the focus of this story.

Agreed those issue will severely make things more complicated for a Plethora of reasons. And I think the timing should make it noteworthy and something to be sharply focused on. The timing and change in mood push this toward the focus.

There is no need to pathologise her desire to open up, or the way she went about it.

Would it be better to ignore her mental issues / state and the run up while theirs a gun to his head ? And if you’re suggesting pathologising is the idea of using NRE as a way of self medicating I’m sure that’s a super far fetched idea and has never been done before.

People want to do poly, or feel an internal time pressure, for any number of reasons.

100% right. I’m not saying she’s wrong for any particular reason she might choose either. Self medicate …hell I did my share along the way.

It sounds like either she met someone, or it's just thinking in line with the typical "relationship broken, add more people" approach.

You make it sound simple

I wasn’t aware there was a “ typical add more people “ to a broken relationship thing to help solve the issue. Does the op know the relationship was broken ? What’s the typical gestation period for this because he caught wind ( in hindsight ) when their sex life took a dip. Then was officially told when poly bombed. People tend to look for answers and causes for this stuff. For all we know she was unhappy for a yr or longer and was just a great actress.

 

[someone]

How long have you been traveling and been gone? Has being apart helped or changed anything with her, like clear your thoughts and feelings without distraction?

We have been apart for 3 months now and there is a month more until I get back. She came to the decision that she wants/needs this while being apart. But before I left she also said she would like some time apart to try to get better at managing her mental health by herself, because she felt like she was relying too much on me. I was the whole time just looking forward to coming back and seeing her feel better to hopefully mend what didn't work in the relationship.

 

[someone]

This is obviously not the full picture, just my side of what is going on, since I don’thave her full point of view not being home and having discussed everything with her yet. I just kinda panicked when she told me and really needed someone to talk to who knew more about the subject than me.

So thank you very much for replying.

 

[GalaGirl]

Because a few weeks ago she sprung on me that she wants an open relationship/being poly, or we break up.

That's where you get to say, "Okay, let's break up," because you no longer want the same things, and she doesn't even know the difference between open and polyamory. You don't need to sign up for things you don't really want, much less with a near newbie who is clueless.

You are not obligated to do things you don't want, or feel forced into, just to be her "safety-net back-up plan."

It's okay to break up, with sadness and regret, but break up all the same.

I feel disrespected that she wants to have physical and emotional intimacy with other people when she is not willing to try to get those things back in our relationship. I feel like she has lost desire for me, while I still have it for her, and now she wants to keep me as the safe option while exploring desire with others.

You see clear enough. So let it end. Then you can spend your time processing and healing, and when ready, move on to date someone who respects you, is more compatible, and actually DOES want the things you want.

I know I am not interested in that kind of relationship.

Honor your own self and your own wants and your own well-being.

And I know the sensible thing is to break up.

GOOD.

But I don't want to lose her. since she is the love of my life.

You are grieving the breakup/pending breakup. That is NORMAL. This is JUST started to happen. It caught you by surprise.

Gently... she is/was "A" love of your life. You will have many. Your life is not over yet. There is more yet to come. It's okay that she is/was ONE of your loves. But she was not compatible in the end.

Avoiding a breakup that you know is the correct and sensible thing to do? Why add self-abandonment, by abandoning your values and dragging things out, on top of the breakup grief?

For what purpose? Do you like signing up to do a double or triple load of grief, rather than a single load?

Sometimes you have to pick your hard.

Pick the smaller loads that honor your values and well-being -- breaking up because you two are not longer compatible. Do it as peacefully as possible under the circumstances. Quick and clean.

Do not pick complicated loads that move you away from your values and ding your well-being even more.

It stinks to burn your finger on the stove. You don't follow that up by throwing the scrambled eggs you were making on the floor, and hitting yourself in the face with the hot pan. Why do extra ugh you could skip?

Breaking up is sad, but it's not mean or unheard of in dating. Sometimes people have to part ways, because love alone is NOT enough to create a sustainable relationship. There have to be shared values and deep compatibility.

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

I know. But the thing is, she keeps saying she doesn't want to lose me either, because she does love me and cares deeply for me.

That's her doing HER stages of grief thing, just like you are doing yours. Maybe it helps to read that.

https://www.csn.edu/sites/default/files/documents/caps-counseling-and-psychological-services/stages_of_grief_after_a_breakup_0.pdf

But it isn't a reason to stay together as a dating couple.

I'm not being mean, okay? But people kinda get weird or crazy or "emotional roller coaster" during breakups. It's the grief upon them coming out however it is that it comes out. When, really, if people break up and are plain exes for a year or so, calm down, heal from grief, then want to change AGAIN to "exes and friends," because a friendship shape is more compatible than a dating shape, they CAN do that. They CAN change again, and nobody is "lost."

Even "plain exes" -- they aren't "lost." People usually know where the exes are or went. They just don't want to do any more changes. "Plain exes" is good enough.

It can be hard to listen to the "thinking you" while the "feeling you" is crying inside and grieving and making a lot of noise on the brain channel.

Try to be kind to yourself and to her... but don't change anything about grief or the fact that this needs to break up because... not compatible. Dragging a breakup out never helps anyone.

Take the time apart to come to calm. Then end it as peacefully as possible once home. There are going to be a lot of feelings to process and get through. But in ACTIONS and COMPATIBILITY you see clearly enough that this "new deal" she is suggesting is NOT a deal you want to sign up for.

You want monogamy. And you don't want to be her back-up safety-net plan.

The "old deal" is over. But you don't have to sign up for this "new deal."

GG