My husband recently came out to me, and I need support....

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graffitiartist52

New member
I am new to this world. My husband just recently came out to me. We have been together for nearly 13 years and have done non-monogamous acts before, but never truly had a romantic relationship with a third.

I want to pre-empt this by saying that I am so proud of him for discovering this about himself, and for being able to talk with me about it. We don't have much figured out, and he is still working through exactly how polyamory is for him.

I want to give him that time and space to figure things out in a kind and supportive environment. The issue that I am running into is that I am monogamous. I enjoy including others in the bedroom, but outside of that, prefer them to be friends. I am not sure what this will look like for our future, and there are things I feel I need to talk through and get off my chest, but I cannot come to him with those topics because he is already struggling with an immense amount of guilt.

I am looking for any reading recommendations, advice on processing, and examples of how different poly couples work things out. I am truly open to learning anything and everything. At the end of the day, I want him to be as happy as he possibly can be without holding him back.

Thank you to everyone in advance.
 
It sounds like your desired outcome is a smooth transition into a sort of open/poly "mixed marriage," where--

- You date on your side for casual sex, but are monoamorous, and only want to share romance/love with your husband.
- Your husband dates on his side for casual sex and polyamory. He wants to share casual sex with some, and then have more than one romantic partner, as well.

Is that true?


I want to give him that time and space to figure things out in a kind and supportive environment.
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How much time is that? A year? Two years?

At the end of the day, I want him to be as happy as he possibly can be without holding him back.
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What do you need for your happiness? I notice you write lots about him, but little about yourself.

At the end of the day, if this trial period doesn't pan out, are you both willing to break up as peacefully as possible, so he is free to pursue poly things he wants, and you are free from poly things you do not want?

Maybe you will choose to make an emergency break-up plan before either of you starts dating other people. Then if you need it, it's there, and it's not like you'll be trying to make this plan when you're all upset or feeling hot-headed. But if the plan is not needed, it's not needed. Like, people don't want their plane to crash, but they still pack parachutes ahead of time, anyway.

There are things I feel I need to talk through and get off my chest, but I cannot come to him with those topics because he is already struggling with an immense amount of guilt.
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There are a lot of things to think about. You might consider talking with a poly counselor and not just reading resources.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

There are many links in the Golden Nuggets section here.


Galagirl
 
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Hello graffitiartist52,

It sounds like you are really trying to support your husband in his poly journey, I commend you for that. There is a lot of good reading material on these boards, I encourage you to invest some time reading, exploring, and posting questions along the way. The Golden Nuggets board is a good place to start. Also you may want to get the book "Opening Up," by Tristan Taormino, there are lots of poly books out there but that one is a good place to start.

I get the impression that you are working from the assumption that polyamory means you and your husband will share a girlfriend. That is one shape polyamory can assume, but be aware that there are many other shapes in polyamory. In my case for example, I am in what's called an MFM V, somewhat open to acquiring more partners but none of us are looking. The three of us share a home, also we have three fur babies: two dogs and one cat. We've been together as a V since 2006, you can read more about my story in my blog thread.

Hope that helps for starters,
Kevin T.
 
I don't know what exactly the desired outcome is, if I am being honest. I told him when we were talking this weekend that I am open to being here with him while he figures things out, and that I want to be in his life, even if, at the end of this, we wind up just being close friends. He doesn't want that; however, he wants me to be his nesting partner, as far as he understands himself right now.

I know for a fact that he wants to have casual sex with others, as we were exploring inviting others into the bedroom, which was a difficult discussion for me, and something to work up to when it comes to trust. What he is feeling at the moment is actually falling in love with others and dating. He said in a perfect world, he would love to move a third into our home. At the moment, that feels so painful for me.

In terms of a timeline, I have no idea what is fair for him or for me. I know so much more about other dynamics, none of which are healthy and end well like this. I brought up something that began to bother me very deeply this weekend, and granted, this may have been far too soon to bring it up, but he felt as though there is this heavy pressure on him to have everything figured out right now.

I have a hard time putting myself first; I always have. There is also some distrust here due to past issues, which I now know he didn't even understand within himself. I just want to make sure I navigate this so he feels supported, but for once I don't lose myself.

I am honestly terrified of bringing up having a break-up plan... We have been together for so long, and made so many plans, and built such a life together. Now everything feels like it is on hold and potentially going to disappear for me. I also don't want him to feel like he has some sort of responsibility to me, so he gives himself up.

I told him that I want him in my life, and if at the end of the day that means we just end up close friends, so be it, but he doesn't want that. He says he loves me and wants to be with me. It's just so hard for me to understand where he's coming from, because, while I am pansexual, I am not polyamorous. I can have sexual encounters without the emotional connection, but he wants to genuinely have more than one person. Sometimes now with our thirds, I still feel like a third wheel, even in conversation....

I will definitely be reading those resources and bring up a counselor to him. Thank you so much.
 
Hi graffitiartist52,

It sounds like you have had quite a few struggles in the past, and are now struggling with poly scenarios in the present. Meanwhile, he is struggling with guilt and perceived pressure, you are not trying to pressure him, but he sees it as pressure. I think you could both benefit from a poly-friendly counselor, definitely look into that. Also you need to determine if you have run up against a wall of incompatibility, I know he wants to stay married to you, but I think your perspective is more realistic when you suggest that you and he could end up as just friends. I know that's not the ideal outcome, but sometimes letting go is the most loving thing you can do. I hope it doesn't come to that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello.

You are not alone. We have former swingers coming here every week who are dealing with suddenly feeling actual romantic love for former more casual-sex play partners. The line between swinging and polyamory is very thin. Most people, humans on our planet, associate sex with romantic love. This isn't just a social construct, it is built into our very bodies, as our hormones fire during sex play and intercourse, causing us to feel bonded to, obsessed with, fond of, calmed by, excited about, passionately interested in a new sex partner who really gets our motor running.

Some people, like you, it seems, can have sex casually without falling in love. But remember, you just might not have met the right person yet.

Anyway, I third the recommendations about the books and articles and links to earlier threads in Golden Nuggets, on transitioning from swinging to polyamory. There's no need to reinvent the wheel. Thousands of others have posted here about this very issue since 2009.

By the way, take the idea of moving a shared third into your home off the front burner for at least a couple of years. It's purely a twitterpated man's fantasy. First of all, there's a slim to none chance you're going to find a woman to share whom you will love, since you feel emotionally monogamous. There is even very little chance your husband will find a woman he loves, who is even attracted to you long term enough to want to move in with him and you.

There are very few polyamorous triads out there, period. It's not unusual to start one, but they rarely last beyond a few weeks, or months, two years at most, ending in flames and breakups all around. But I won't go on and on. This is all to be found in Golden Nuggets.
 
I don't know if it helps you any. Here are some thoughts. Take your time reading it.

I don't know what exactly the desired outcome is, if I am being honest. I told him when we were talking this weekend that I am open to being here with him while he figures things out, and that I want to be in his life, even if, at the end of this, we wind up just being close friends.
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Honestly, it sounds like you are being more realistic than him at this time. Even if the nitty-gritty logistics of breaking up are scary to think about, since you've been together a long time, breaking up and changing to being "exes and friends" is on the table for you. He's not even ready to think about that yet.

He said, in a perfect world, he would love to move a third into our home. At the moment, that feels painful for me.
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This sounds like early-stage, fantasy thinking — the “just like us, but with three” idea. It’s easy to imagine a hypothetical person who fits perfectly and makes everything feel better. But real poly relationships involve real people with their own needs, boundaries, and incompatibilities.

It’s also completely valid to say “I don’t want to live with a 'metamour' [my partner's partner].” Cohabitation is not a requirement of polyamory. Plenty of healthy poly structures involve separate homes, or a hinge moving between spaces. You don’t have to solve that question today. Some things might be a soft "no" for you, like, "No, not at this time. Could change over time." It is also okay to know that some options are a hard "no" for you, like, "No, not ever."

In terms of a timeline, I have no idea what is fair for him or for me. I know so much more about other dynamics, none of which are healthy and end well like this. I brought up something that began to bother me very deeply this weekend, and granted, this may have been far too soon to bring it up, but he felt as though there is this heavy pressure on him to have everything figured out right now.
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Well, you aren't going to hang around waiting for 25, 50, 75 years, right?

You don't have to have everything figured out this minute, but some reasonable benchmarks and initial shared agreements can be figured out now. Then tweaks can happen later.
  • Like agreeing to work with a poly counselor for at least a year before actually opening up.
  • Making sure you both have separate banking, if you don't already, so dating money comes out of one's "personal account" and not a "joint account." The joint checking account is for shared home bills, not for you or for him to take someone out to dinner and a movie. Dating expenses can come out of personal checking accounts.
  • Agreeing not to date the same people -- you each date your own other person(s). Then you aren't competing with each other for the attention of the new person, and entering triad or quad dynamics, which are more complex (esp when both of you are poly newbies).
  • Deciding you aren't up for group sex anymore because you end up feeling like a third wheel. Casual group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. Some people want casual group sex only, some want polyamory only, some want both.
  • Could decide what your dealbreakers are and articulate them. You might figure out more along the way, but it sounds like no cohabitation with a metamour is one of yours.

I just want to make sure I navigate this so he feels supported, but for once I don't lose myself.
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Yes, do not lose yourself in service to him/the relationship. Do not abandon yourself just to please people. He could not lose or abandon himself either.

I am honestly terrified of bringing up having a break-up plan. We have been together for so long, and made so many plans, and built such a life together. Now everything feels like it is on hold and potentially going to disappear for me. I also don't want him to feel like he has some sort of responsibility to me, so he gives himself up.
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You don’t have to present him with an “emergency breakup plan” right now, if he’s overwhelmed. But you can think about one on your own, or with a counselor. You thinking about an emergency plan doesn't mean you don't love him or gave up. It just means you want to be prepared and want your bases covered no matter how this plays out. You want to pack a parachute if you are going to get on a plane.

Do think about individual and/or couples poly-friendly counseling. Keep asking yourself these thoughtful questions that honor your own well-being. It sounds like you are trying to be supportive and present, while not losing or abandoning yourself. Kudos.

Galagirl
 
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I am poly and would NEVER live with a metamour in my home. It's okay to tell your husband that that idea is off the table.

Many serious poly partners never live together because they (or one of them) have other nesting partners.

Do you actually enjoy being sexually non-monogamous? As in, casual sex with other people? Threesomes, etc, with your husband?

Or were you just going along with that because it was what your husband wanted and what you felt okay with agreeing to? Were you doing threesomes because you felt you could tolerate your husband being with others if you were involved in some way? Or is it something you genuinely find delightful?

If you and your husband end up splitting up, do you imagine being non-monogamous at all, yourself, in a life you choose?
 
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