I'm sorry for my ignorance, but isn't low to non-existent sex drive the very definition of asexuality? I mean, if internal, not caused by exhaustion and other external factors.
My intro because my wife suggested poly
- Thread starter MrL
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I watched the video, but just not able to split hairs between "somebody who does not experience sexual attraction or an intrinsic desire to have sexual relationships" (the definition at the start of the very video) and "low to non-existent sex drive", so unfortunately, you will have to be way more explicit if your educational efforts are to be effective with me. How does a "asexual" person with an average sex drive look like? I know some people are reactive in their desire (and I very much relate), but it doesn't seem you mean that.
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Bobbi
Well-known member
I'm not sure if this helps, but someone I dated, who was asexual, said he could have all the sex, no problem, but would get nothing from it. So the only time we would have sex is when I wanted it, knowing it held no meaning or pleasure for him. It was just an act. I'm not sure if everyone is that way, but that's how he described it for himself.
Might be semantic. An asexual person wanting children or under the influence of NRE may have a sex drive. A person on the outside cannot tell the difference.
Bouncing off of what @Bobbi said, sex has no intrinsic intimacy value, it's an activity like playing cribbage.
If you've read "Come as You Are," there are no pedals, no brakes, no gas.
Bobbi
Well-known member
What a creative way to show that!
Some people define asexuality as never experiencing sexual attraction towards other people. For example, gay people are attracted to the same sex, straight people are attracted to the opposite sex, but asexual people are attracted to neither/no one.
With that definition, asexual people can still have a libido, as in an ability and desire to have orgasms, to be sexually stimulated, etc. They may enjoy masturbating, but have no interest in partnered sex.
With this definition, however, I am not clear on what asexual people might think about/fantasize about when they are horny/masturbating.
The other definition of asexual I have heard is people who do not have any libido or sexual desires. Never get horny, never masturbate, etc. Maybe they can have orgasms, but the orgasm is not especially pleasurable or something they seek out.
I'm not asexual, but I have heard people who identify as asexual/ace define it either way, depending on the person.
Both "types" of asexuals may still engage in partnered sex for various reasons (such as they love someone sexual, they want to have a child, etc.).
Of course, asexuality is a spectrum and many people identify as gray-asexual, for both definitions, I assume.
With that definition, asexual people can still have a libido, as in an ability and desire to have orgasms, to be sexually stimulated, etc. They may enjoy masturbating, but have no interest in partnered sex.
With this definition, however, I am not clear on what asexual people might think about/fantasize about when they are horny/masturbating.
The other definition of asexual I have heard is people who do not have any libido or sexual desires. Never get horny, never masturbate, etc. Maybe they can have orgasms, but the orgasm is not especially pleasurable or something they seek out.
I'm not asexual, but I have heard people who identify as asexual/ace define it either way, depending on the person.
Both "types" of asexuals may still engage in partnered sex for various reasons (such as they love someone sexual, they want to have a child, etc.).
Of course, asexuality is a spectrum and many people identify as gray-asexual, for both definitions, I assume.
That would probably vary from person to person, but I can well understand masturbating without a person fantasy. Just be mindful of the body, or call previously experienced pleasure / the endgoal to memory, or imagine a really nice relaxing place to be if that helps.
I hardly ever fantasise anything specific like a story or a person, I just go into the feelings.
Seems like there’s been a deep dive into asexuality. Although my wife does present some characteristics and traits of an asexual person we don’t think this is the case.
We’ve had some very open productive conversations over the last week or so. It seems like we’ve connected in a way that we haven’t in quite some time. Spirits are high and the future is brighter!
On a side note, funnily enough my wife actually found this thread I started. She had a strong suspicion it was me and called me out on it. I told her it was me. After explaining to her that the advice and insite provided by the individuals that contributed to this discussion helped me immensely she understood why I did it.
Just wanted to thank everyone involved that helped me navigate through a strange and confusing moment in my life.
All the best
We’ve had some very open productive conversations over the last week or so. It seems like we’ve connected in a way that we haven’t in quite some time. Spirits are high and the future is brighter!
On a side note, funnily enough my wife actually found this thread I started. She had a strong suspicion it was me and called me out on it. I told her it was me. After explaining to her that the advice and insite provided by the individuals that contributed to this discussion helped me immensely she understood why I did it.
Just wanted to thank everyone involved that helped me navigate through a strange and confusing moment in my life.
All the best
Bobbi
Well-known member
The intimacy that can come from very vulnerable, open conversations where you truly listen and understand each other is stark. Polyamory gave me that. I don't know your future. Polyamory or monogamy, if you two can be so open to discuss your most vulnerable thoughts and feelings with understanding and without judgement, your relationship will grow in wonderful ways.