My intro because my wife suggested poly

M

MrL

New member
Mid 40s male, 15+ year marriage with 2 kids. Very traditional marriage/relationship, up till this point. The other day my wife suggested to me, out of the blue, that we have a polygamous relationship to fulfill my sexual needs. She apparently has no interest in being with another man.

Our sex life has been on the rocks for years now, and is always the main reason for conflict in our relationship. I’ve held out hope that it would turn a corner and improve, but it just seems to be getting less frequent, and my wife is less interested. She never initiates, is never in the mood, but does seem to enjoy it when it does happen. Now that perimenopause is in the mix, I can see things getting worse.

I’m pretty confused at this point. All the reading I’ve done with people in this same situation says it’s the final nail in the coffin and divorce is solidified if this scenario were to happen.

I love her, and told her that I wanted a healthy and strong sexually intimate relationship with her, not someone else. I hope we can have this again some day.

I guess the things I’m thinking are:

- Did she suggest this because this is something she wants for herself? (She told me it wasn’t.)

- Would this lead to our marriage being ruined, and a divorce?

- Are there any scenarios where this agreement actually worked and made a relationship stronger? (She suggested this might happen.)

I’m curious to hear from people that have had this happen to them. Some would say I’ve gotten the golden ticket, but all I'm feeling is apprehension.
 
She wants to outsource sex, but it's unclear if she's considered how she would react if (when) you catch feelings for a new sexual partner. How much research has she really done into polyAMORY? I know one of my metas pestered my partner for years about outsourcing sex. But she found it really confrontational when he told her he had developed feelings for me. And this is even though she eventually decided to lead by example and has/had had her own extramarital relationships that involve feelings. Goose, gander, hard.
 
Evie said:
She wants to outsource sex, but it's unclear if she's considered how she would react if (when) you catch feelings for a new sexual partner. How much research has she really done into polyAMORY? I know one of my metas pestered my partner for years about outsourcing sex. But she found it really confrontational when he told her he had developed feelings for me. And this is even though she eventually decided to lead by example and has/had had her own extramarital relationships that involve feelings. Goose, gander, hard.
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How much research has she done? I think none would be a safe assumption.

I let her suggestion soak for a couple days before we actually discussed it. I felt at the time she suggested it, it wasn’t coming from a clear mental state. I thought emotions were playing a role. However after talking she still seemed to have the same mindset. It seemed like this scenario would be fine for her.

I told her I thought it be a bad idea and it would be the end of our marriage. She expressed that she felt “relief” that I wasn’t interested in the idea. Which tells me she never was 100% ok with it.

She had also said that she wouldn’t know how she would feel until it happened. Not a road I think is worth taking.
 
I felt at the time she suggested it, that it wasn’t coming from a clear mental state. I thought emotions were playing a role. However, after talking, she still seemed to have the same mindset. It seemed like this scenario would be fine for her.
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How is her mental health? Since your sex life has been rocky for a whilem is she feeling some kind of way about that? Is perimenopause affecting things? Does she feel shame or guilt or something?

I told her I thought it be a bad idea, and it would be the end of our marriage. She expressed that she felt “relief” that I wasn’t interested in the idea, which tells me she never was 100% ok with it.
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Is she giving you a loyalty test?

Galagirl
 
Good on you for not taking the bait.

So, why are you here? Seems pretty open and shut. Or did she inadvertently plant a seed?
 
Many couples have unequal libidos. I've never seen studies, but I'd hazard a guess that almost every couple goes through this, at least temporarily.

A lot of things can get in the way of a fulfilling sexual relationship and/or emotional intimacy:

Familiarity breeding contempt
Taking each other for granted
Neglecting to go on romantic dates together, but just doing the same old routine every night, chores, screen time, bed
KIDS
Poor communication, lack of trust
Getting married (too) young, and growing apart
Hormonal changes (the menstrual cycle when fertile, or lessening of testosterone [even in women] as we age)
Changes in sexual identity-- coming to terms with being asexual or greysexual, or realizing you're gay, etc.
Changes in physical health-- e.g., long-term illness, dealing with injuries, arthritis, etc.
Mental health struggles
Side effects of antidepressants or other medications
A stressful or exhausting job or career
Doing elder care or other kinds of caregiving
Needing to live apart because of work traveling
Etc.

Then, often a couple is hot for each other during NRE (new relationship energy, infatuation, the honeymoon phase), but after a couple years, when that fades, the spark lessens or disappears. We may find we aren't long-term compatible (in enough ways) and so intimacy is lacking.

If communication is not good, we can feel a lack of trust and safety with our partner, and this will lead to a lack of emotional intimacy, which can kill the desire for physical intimacy.

Simply outsourcing the sex to random others could make your relationship even worse.

Now, all that said, my female partner has a much lower libido than I do. (Some of the reasons why are on my above list, mostly health and medication related.) This has been an issue for all the time we've been together. Even her NRE horniness diminished before you'd expect. We get along super-great in all other ways. I adore her, our communication and emotional support is top notch, we share hobbies and interests galore, and we do kiss and cuddle, so there is some bonding touch. However, having a sexual outlet with others has helped me a lot. I am not sure if my relationship with Pixi, as a life partner, would have survived if I'd had to depend on just her, or mere masturbation to deal with my needs. But we are polyAMOROUS, and were well prepared to have sex AND feelings with and for others, from the start of our relationship.
 
Evie said:
Good on you for not taking the bait.

So, why are you here? Seems pretty open and shut. Or did she inadvertently plant a seed?
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Why am I here? I guess just looking for clarity. Her words were “polygamous relationship” which started my investigation. I have had no real understanding of what this meant beforehand, now learning through this platform.

I agree. It does seem like it may be open and shut at this point. It still is a bit of a question mark for me. Did she offer this arrangement because it’s something that she’s interested in for herself? She tells me it isn’t.
 
Magdlyn said:
Many couples have unequal libidos. I've never seen studies, but I'd hazard a guess that almost every couple goes through this, at least temporarily.

A lot of things can get in the way of a fulfilling sexual relationship and/or emotional intimacy:

Familiarity breeding contempt
Taking each other for granted
Neglecting to go on romantic dates together, but just doing the same old routine every night, chores, screen time, bed
KIDS
Poor communication, lack of trust
Getting married (too) young, and growing apart
Hormonal changes (the menstrual cycle when fertile, or lessening of testosterone [even in women] as we age)
Changes in sexual identity-- coming to terms with being asexual or greysexual, or realizing you're gay, etc.
Changes in physical health-- long-term illness, dealing with injuries, arthritis
Mental health struggles
Side effects of antidepressants or other medications
A stressful or exhausting job or career
Doing elder care or other kinds of caregiving
Needing to live apart because of work traveling
Etc.

Then, often a couple is hot for each other during NRE (new relationship energy, infatuation, the honeymoon phase), but after a couple years, when that fades, the spark lessens or disappears. We may find we aren't long-term compatible (in enough ways) and so intimacy is lacking.

If communication is not good, we can feel a lack of trust and safety with our partner, and this will lead to a lack of emotional intimacy, which can kill the desire for physical intimacy.

Simply outsourcing the sex to random others could make your relationship even worse.

Now, all that said, my female partner has a much lower libido than I do. (Some of the reasons why are on my above list, mostly health and medication related.) This has been an issue for all the time we've been together. Even her NRE horniness diminished before you'd expect. We get along super great in all other ways. I adore her, and we do kiss and cuddle, so there is some bonding touch. However, having a sexual outlet with others has helped me a lot. I am not sure if my relationship with Pixi, as a life partner, would have survived if I'd had to depend on just her, or mere masturbation to deal with my needs. But we are polyAMOROUS, and were well prepared to have sex AND feelings with and for others, from the start of our relationship.
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A lot of what you’ve stated I can relate to. Your list of things getting in the way of being fulfilled sexually/emotionally have multiple items that are current factors. I do agree that if the sex was outsourced then the relationship would simply get worse and inevitably lead to divorce.

I feel like we have a hard road ahead of us, but one worth taking. Putting in the work will hopefully bring us both to a spot where we are content in the relationship.

Outsourcing sex just seems like it may be a rash Band-Aid solution that isn’t addressing the root cause.
 
MrL said:
Outsourcing sex just seems like it may be a rash Band-Aid solution that isn’t addressing the root cause.
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That may very well be true.

Ask her if she's feeling inadequate and/or pressured by you when she can't fulfill your needs. Maybe these feelings have grown to a point where putting up with another woman seemed almost like a lesser discomfort. I fantasize that this is the reason why she suggested it.
 
After searching the net for the term “outsourcing sex” and reading up on it I feel like this is more of an accurate representation of what was offered. There seems to be lots of the information available and real life scenarios in this specific topic. Maybe polyamory isn’t actually what my wife meant.
 
Did she offer this arrangement because it’s something that she’s interested in for herself. She tells me it isn’t.
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Is there any reason you can't just believe her?

I think that her show of relief when you said no is pretty telling. She doesn't actually want you to meet other women for sex, but she could be feeling pretty bad about not wanting sex and her waning sex drive basically meaning no more sex for you for the rest of your life. At least she's caring enough to think about your perspective.

I hope you can have some constructive conversations around this topic and that this isn't a single offered and rejected solution. It's tough to be in a sexless and monogamous relationship at your age.
 
MrL said:
A lot of what you’ve stated I can relate to. Your list of things getting in the way of being fulfilled sexually/emotionally have multiple items that are current factors. I do agree that if the sex was outsourced then the relationship would simply get worse and inevitably lead to divorce.

I feel like we have a hard road ahead of us, but one worth taking. Putting in the work will hopefully bring us both to a spot where we are content in the relationship.

Outsourcing sex just seems like it may be a rash band-aid solution that isn’t addressing the root cause.
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I do think you two could address the issues you say you have, maybe with the help of therapy, either individual or couples.

In the meantime, I'd recommend reading the book Opening Up, not necessarily because you do want to open your relationship to having other sex partners, but just to see how and why others have done it, the mistakes they've made, their successes, etc. This book addresses swinging, open relationships and polyamory. It really covers all the bases.
 
Hello MrL,

You can have sex with other people of course, but that will not fulfill your wish to have your wife want you. Polyamory doesn't necessarily solve everything. On the other hand I don't tend to think polyamory would ruin your marriage, it just would demonstrate what I am saying, that you need more than poly. You need your wife.

Anyway your wife is not 100% behind this. She just thought it would be something to suggest as a last resort. I think a better idea would be for you and your wife to see a sex therapist. There must be specific things that are making your wife lose interest. Concentrate on your marriage, and don't worry about things like polyamory.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi MrL. Welcome to the forum.
MrL said:
Our sex life has been on the rocks for years now, and is always the main reason for conflict in our relationship. I’ve held out hope that it would turn a corner and improve, but it just seems to be getting less frequent and my wife is less interested. She never initiates, is never in the mood, but does seem to enjoy it when it does happen. Now that perimenopause is in the mix I can see things getting worse.
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How many years has it been on the rocks? On the rocks means what, once a quarter, once a year, or sexless for years?

In those years, has there been any interest on her part in discovering the root cause, whether it be medical or psychological? Has she been treated for anything else, and this could be a side effect? Any childhood traumas that you've heard whispers of that are now bubbling to the surface?

MrL said:
I’m pretty confused at this point. All the reading I’ve done with people in this same situation says it’s the final nail in the coffin and divorce is solidified if this scenario were to happen.
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I think that depends on the people involved. There are a lot of moving parts to look at.
MrL said:
Did she suggest this because this is something she wants for herself? (She told me it wasn’t.)
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It sounds like she’s given you years' worth of excuses/lies to not be sexually intimate, so trust has been eroded. Any chance she’s having an affair, emotional or physical, already? I know of a few cases here on the forum where poly was introduced to cover an ongoing affair.

MrL said:
Would this lead to our marriage being ruined and a divorce?
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Not sure about divorce, but the old marriage would be over and something new would be built in its place. The marriage would be dead and gone.

MrL said:
Are there any scenarios where this agreement actually worked and made a relationship stronger? (She suggested this may happen.)
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Did she give an example of how she thought that would happen? Once resources (time, energy, money) start being diverted away from her or the marriage/household, she might change her mind on that.
 
In my personal experience, I had a lousy sex life with my partner. He was not interested in sex with me. We had it maybe twice per year. We researched polyamory and BOTH agreed it was what we wanted. I found out very quickly that getting sex from others did not magically take away my desire, my need, to have sex with my partner.

What did actually help me was for me to make a conscious decision to end our sexual relationship. I verbalized that it was over and that I would never want it again, would never ask again, and I mourned the loss of that part of the relationship. A weight was lifted off of me and him, and we got to focus on other parts of our relationship. Eventually it did end, but it had nothing to do with no sex. There were other problems in our relationship that had a magnifying glass held up to them once we started seeing others, and realized we were missing a lot more than sex in our relationship. We tried to work through it, but one person was ready for big growth, and the other wasn't, and the difference was suffocating. After another year of growing so far in different directions, we ended it. We're still best friends and still living together, but the romantic relationship is over.

I suggest doing a lot of reading and research. Poly might not be what you want. Maybe a weekly massage with a happy ending, or another professional that won't get emotionally involved, or a friend with benefits. But you and your wife need to really talk about what it would mean and the possibility of feelings developing. It happens. Swingers have certain rules to try to prevent that. Swinging is an option too. Sometimes swinging together wakes up the libido. It could be something you slowly explore together.

Sometimes a low libido is hormonal. (There are meds for that. Made a HUGE difference to me.) Sometimes it's boredom or even not getting the right stimulation from your partner. (Women are complicated. Many don't even understand their own bodies enough to teach their partners, or are too shy to speak up) There are so many reasons. Maybe you can work to find them out and work on them one by one.

Do I automatically think your marriage is over? Not in the traditional sense, but the WAY your marriage is now has to end if you want to change it into something new and better. It seems neither of you are happy with it now, so that change might just be what you need. You have nothing to lose to get super honest and try different things. After all, if you don't, it probably will be over.
 
MrL said:
After searching the net for the term “outsourcing sex” and reading up on it I feel like this is more of an accurate representation of what was offered. There seems to be lots of the information available and real life scenarios in this specific topic. Maybe polyamory isn’t actually what my wife meant.
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No, what she means is that she wants all the benefits and security of a marriage to you, without having to focus on being a fulfilling intimate partner. So she will use someone else to give you the bits she doesn't want to give you, but God forbid you and that other person ever actually develop the kind of holistic intimacy you lack with her.

This is about her keeping her husband/lifestyle, and you getting to "do sex" to someone. She sees your sex drive like she would see your desire to play tennis - it would be nice if you did it with your wife, but it's quite typical to have a tennis mate that you go and play with that isn't your spouse. Go and play a bit on a Saturday morning, and then come home and do your real husband duties which are basically chores, providing and/or childcare.
 
Evie said:
Is there any reason you can't just believe her?

I think that her show of relief when you said no is pretty telling. She doesn't actually want you to meet other women for sex, but she could be feeling pretty bad about not wanting sex and her waning sex drive basically meaning no more sex for you for the rest of your life. At least she's caring enough to think about your perspective.

I hope you can have some constructive conversations around this topic and that this isn't a single offered and rejected solution. It's tough to be in a sexless and monogamous relationship at your age.
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I do believe her but just need to exhaust all possibilities and have some time to process and evaluate things.

Since she has suggested outsourcing sex I’ve gone down a bit of a rabbit hole on various topics (polygamy, ethical non-monogamy, sexless marriages, and most recently asexuality). From pages such as this and others I’ve found it very beneficial to see that I’m not alone in my situation. I’ve suffered in silence for a while now and only now feeling like I may be understanding the “why” and possibly options I may have.

Constructive but tough conversations have taken place recently. Not sure where we will end up with these conversations but it’s better than what has previously transpired.
 
Magdlyn said:
I do think you two could address the issues you say you have, maybe with the help of therapy, either individual or couples.

In the meantime, I'd recommend reading the book Opening Up, not necessarily because you do want to open your relationship to having other sex partners, but just to see how and why others have done it, the mistakes they've made, their successes, etc. This book addresses swinging, open relationships and polyamory. It really covers all the bases.
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Thanks for the book recommendation, I’ll check it out. I know personally I could not be part of a truly open marriage. I’m still attracted to my wife and the thought of someone else being with her doesn’t sit well. I’d rather be divorced than in that scenario.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello MrL,

You can have sex with other people of course, but that will not fulfill your wish to have your wife want you. Polyamory doesn't necessarily solve everything. On the other hand I don't tend to think polyamory would ruin your marriage, it just would demonstrate what I am saying, that you need more than poly. You need your wife.

Anyway your wife is not 100% behind this. She just thought it would be something to suggest as a last resort. I think a better idea would be for you and your wife to see a sex therapist. There must be specific things that are making your wife lose interest. Concentrate on your marriage, and don't worry about things like polyamory.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Thanks Kevin. I do agree that she isn’t totally ok with this. I do need my wife. I need my wife to want me the way I want her. I just don’t know if it will ever get to where I want it to be. Last time she initiated sex I would guess was 10ish years ago. Interesting enough in one of the responses asexuality was mentioned. After researching this subject it was like they were describing my wife. I think this is a very realistic possibility.
 
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