My Intro (Quad)

Z

Z3r0Cool

New member
Hey all, new to the forum, not the LS. My husband and I (20 years) have been swingers off and on pretty much the whole time. We recently began our poly journey (like a little over a month ago) and thought I’d come here to find like souls.

I think we have a pretty unique setup since it’s hard to find info on anything like it. I call it a quad. There are four of us, two happily married couples in what I guess would be closed poly quad since no one wants to add any other poly partners, but each couple still swings with other couples. We all met about a year ago and just clicked right off the bat. Things progressed over time and here we are. Officially having a BF and GF but still swingers as well.

The relationship paradigm
Me (F) + My spouse(M)
Her + Her spouse (M)
Me + Her spouse
Her + My Spouse
Me + Her (as friends and occasional play partner)
My spouse + Her spouse (as friends, a bro-mance if you will)

We all love each other and love hanging out together. The men are not bi but we do couple swap same room and occasionally her and I will play. We also do our separate dates and separate playtime/overnights. We live a good hour away from each other so seeing each other is once a week at best and several weeks in between at most.

Would be interesting to see if anyone else has a similar dynamic and what were some of the pitfalls you had to overcome.

Anyway, that’s my intro! Thanks for reading!
 
Hi, welcome to polyamory and to polyamory.com. :)

What you're describing is a transition from swinging to poly through the form of a quad. It is actually a well-known phenomenon in the poly world. I am surprised you're having a hard time finding info on it. We have lots of ex-swingers who come here who have realized they love their former play partners and want to learn how to negotiate deep feelings, and not just the casual sex of swinging.

You can do a search on here with the keyword quad and probably find out some of the joys and pitfalls of this form of relationship(s). (We have 10s of thousands of posts here, since the board has been very active since about 2009.) Overall, I'd say that most seasoned poly folks date one-on-one, with no expectations to like, love, or have sex with their metamours (their partner's partner). I see you're aware that in a quad (or indeed a triad) there are several dyads of two partners. It can be hard to balance these dyads, when your partners are also each other's metamours.

It's important to be discreet and not get all up in the relationships others are having, giving advice, "tattling," taking sides, trying to lay down boundaries and guidelines for others. That's one pitfall.

Vetoes are definitely not recommended and actually rarely work.

Probably the most common problem is when one partner drops out of the group. Say you, Xmigo, are realizing you're not that into the guy from the other couple, while your husband is still really into the woman of the other couple. Maybe you want to break up with this guy... But you go along with dating him, and even having sex with him without enthusiasm, so that your husband and the other woman feel free to keep their relationship going. This can feel awkward and painful, and you might even feel exploited and dehumanized.

Ideally you would break up with the other guy and hopefully remain friends, so the two original couples can continue to have "double dates," friendly hangouts, without awkwardness and resentments. But it can be hard to remain friends with an ex-lover, of course.

Often these kinds of group situations can start out well, while the sex is hot, but once the NRE begins to wear off, things can go south. This can take weeks, months, or even a year or two. I hope your quad lasts and everyone remains friendly! It is possible, of course. And you four seem to have been friends for about a year and doing well. This is the ultimate form of "kitchen table polyamory." But sometimes "parallel poly" works better, where the metas don't have much at all to do with each other.

Please check out our list of resources, especially the book Opening Up, which goes into details about the different kinds of ENM, swinging, open, and full-on polyamory.

 
Thanks for all the info, I’ll do some digging in the forums. Your examples are very helpful. I have read a few of the books in the list of resources but I’ll def check out opening up and the other resources!
 
Greetings xXmigoXx,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like the four of you (quad is the right word) are both poly and swing. Those are two distinctly different things, but there is overlap, as you have found. Things seem to be going well for you, I am glad you have come here to find like souls. Keep reading and posting, and let us know if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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