My new Ai-jin
- Thread starter ramfish
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ramfish
New member
Thanks, mono. This is just as hard as it was when we started talking about poly a year ago, which seems most like years ago now.
My inner turmoil hurts must when it makes me look at the choices I made when I married my husband. I wonder why I really wanted it, if I did it because I really did want to marry him, or if it was because it seemed like the thing to do. More of something I wanted regardless of who with. It hurts to think about those things, but I would be doing a disservice to myself and my husband to ignore them.
My inner turmoil hurts must when it makes me look at the choices I made when I married my husband. I wonder why I really wanted it, if I did it because I really did want to marry him, or if it was because it seemed like the thing to do. More of something I wanted regardless of who with. It hurts to think about those things, but I would be doing a disservice to myself and my husband to ignore them.
ramfish
New member
Thanks to some unfortunate circumstances, my poor J- was forced to move out of his apartment this past weekend. I can say it is sad, since it means no more convenient place to go and hang out off campus during the day, but it has its advantages. Now he has internet! (yay!) My husband was laughing at me as I chatted with him over the face of the books and got him to download skype so I could send him some files. I cannot imagine how he lived without the internet.
It's the last week of classes and luckily all of these positive feelings will keep me from being too distracted to complete all the assignments and studying I have to do before Friday. >.>
It's probably kinda late, but I am also going to start going to the free counseling clinic on campus starting today. I think I need something like this so I don't keep relying too much on my friends for emotional support. They're way too good to me, but they shouldn't have to be my psychologists ^_~
It's the last week of classes and luckily all of these positive feelings will keep me from being too distracted to complete all the assignments and studying I have to do before Friday. >.>
It's probably kinda late, but I am also going to start going to the free counseling clinic on campus starting today. I think I need something like this so I don't keep relying too much on my friends for emotional support. They're way too good to me, but they shouldn't have to be my psychologists ^_~
ramfish
New member
I'm still being dumb. I guess I can't expect myself to be able to instantly change the way I look at things and be able to just go with the flow while I've come to question a lot of the choices I've made from recently to the last few years.
More and more I find that I love J- a lot, but sometimes I'm not sure that we would be right together. (if that makes sense) Then again I think a lot of the things he does that I don't like I don't like for different reasons than why he does them. A good example of this takes a little explaining, but I need to get this out of my head so I can get my ass to some schoolwork and stop thinking about it...so here goes.
He's not the kind of person to always call you right back (or, subsequently, text you back). He has even told me, if he's busy, he won't respond, if he isn't he will. It's simple, but it doesn't keep me from getting anxiety over not seeing or hearing from him for a few days. This week was a good example of this, and it's the second week in a row it happened this way. J- is busy with school and a third shift job and he doesn't sleep and just had to move back in with his dad. While I talked to him a little Sunday and Monday morning, he was awol from class Monday night and all day Tuesday. As it is the last week of classes, I got really worried, especially since last night was the last official Japanese class this semester, and he wasn't there.
So I texted him, then called him, worried. Since I got dumped right into voicemail I knew that his phone must be dead. And while I didn't fear the worst, I was still a little more concerned. When I got home I sent him a message via skype and then waited to see if I heard back from him. I worried in my typical paranoid depressive manner that he was avoiding me until he messaged me back, laughing, and saying he overslept.
What's stupid is I should have known that. Every time this happens, this is what it is. He's asleep, or busy, or working...that kind of stuff. I am working to try and get out of this habit. My husband is constantly reminding me that it's a byproduct of my condition, but I don't like taking that excuse. Even if that's true, I shouldn't have to live with it. There has to be a way to change it, or learn a better way to cope. And that, ladies and gents, is why I'm going back to counseling again, because I'm sick of feeling like this at the most illogical and most inconvenient times.
I have another problem.
More and more I keep thinking about whether or not I made a mistake getting married when I did. I love my husband, I can't see any reason why I would stop, but I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do. I was supposed to graduate the spring before our wedding and even though I walked and did all of that, I ended up not passing a class and not being able to get my degree. So I took time to get married, work, and just ... i guess...be an adult for a while. Eventually when I started to seriously start to think about going back to school again it always becomes an issue of if my husband could follow me. Can he get a job there, can we afford it...etc.
In retrospect, I often feel like we have just been playing house for the last three years, from the time right before our wedding up until now. My husband has worked a string of dead-end factory jobs during this whole time...and he has a bachelors degree. Even if he has difficulty getting a job in his field (TV production) it still feels wrong that he has the jobs he has had. We barely make ends meet...and we've essentially been in a funk for the last few years.
(ok right now I feel a lot like crying but can't really do that in the student center can we?)
We've talked about this, he knows it. What it comes down to is that I'm going back to school because my first choice of degree was the wrong one and I'm pursuing something I really love and that I could make a solid career off from. But then, here I am...married...25...and something about that makes me feel...constrained. I have to study abroad as a part of the program. My plan is to go next year for two semesters...it's what I want to do. I guess I'm kinda tired of letting myself be limited by my relationships. But I can't keep putting it off. I want to have kids someday, and the longer I wait the harder it will be...so I can't. keep. putting. school. off.
So a serious question I find myself asking ... myself ... is "Why did I get married?"
It breaks my heart that I think about this, but pretending I don't wont solve anything. It just hurts a lot to admit.
More and more I find that I love J- a lot, but sometimes I'm not sure that we would be right together. (if that makes sense) Then again I think a lot of the things he does that I don't like I don't like for different reasons than why he does them. A good example of this takes a little explaining, but I need to get this out of my head so I can get my ass to some schoolwork and stop thinking about it...so here goes.
He's not the kind of person to always call you right back (or, subsequently, text you back). He has even told me, if he's busy, he won't respond, if he isn't he will. It's simple, but it doesn't keep me from getting anxiety over not seeing or hearing from him for a few days. This week was a good example of this, and it's the second week in a row it happened this way. J- is busy with school and a third shift job and he doesn't sleep and just had to move back in with his dad. While I talked to him a little Sunday and Monday morning, he was awol from class Monday night and all day Tuesday. As it is the last week of classes, I got really worried, especially since last night was the last official Japanese class this semester, and he wasn't there.
So I texted him, then called him, worried. Since I got dumped right into voicemail I knew that his phone must be dead. And while I didn't fear the worst, I was still a little more concerned. When I got home I sent him a message via skype and then waited to see if I heard back from him. I worried in my typical paranoid depressive manner that he was avoiding me until he messaged me back, laughing, and saying he overslept.
What's stupid is I should have known that. Every time this happens, this is what it is. He's asleep, or busy, or working...that kind of stuff. I am working to try and get out of this habit. My husband is constantly reminding me that it's a byproduct of my condition, but I don't like taking that excuse. Even if that's true, I shouldn't have to live with it. There has to be a way to change it, or learn a better way to cope. And that, ladies and gents, is why I'm going back to counseling again, because I'm sick of feeling like this at the most illogical and most inconvenient times.
I have another problem.
More and more I keep thinking about whether or not I made a mistake getting married when I did. I love my husband, I can't see any reason why I would stop, but I'm wondering if it was the right thing to do. I was supposed to graduate the spring before our wedding and even though I walked and did all of that, I ended up not passing a class and not being able to get my degree. So I took time to get married, work, and just ... i guess...be an adult for a while. Eventually when I started to seriously start to think about going back to school again it always becomes an issue of if my husband could follow me. Can he get a job there, can we afford it...etc.
In retrospect, I often feel like we have just been playing house for the last three years, from the time right before our wedding up until now. My husband has worked a string of dead-end factory jobs during this whole time...and he has a bachelors degree. Even if he has difficulty getting a job in his field (TV production) it still feels wrong that he has the jobs he has had. We barely make ends meet...and we've essentially been in a funk for the last few years.
(ok right now I feel a lot like crying but can't really do that in the student center can we?)
We've talked about this, he knows it. What it comes down to is that I'm going back to school because my first choice of degree was the wrong one and I'm pursuing something I really love and that I could make a solid career off from. But then, here I am...married...25...and something about that makes me feel...constrained. I have to study abroad as a part of the program. My plan is to go next year for two semesters...it's what I want to do. I guess I'm kinda tired of letting myself be limited by my relationships. But I can't keep putting it off. I want to have kids someday, and the longer I wait the harder it will be...so I can't. keep. putting. school. off.
So a serious question I find myself asking ... myself ... is "Why did I get married?"
It breaks my heart that I think about this, but pretending I don't wont solve anything. It just hurts a lot to admit.
ramfish
New member
That was what I thought would be happening ... but I'm getting the feeling J- isn't sure what he wants to do. Mostly, I don't think he's had the chance to talk to this girl about what kind of relationship they're going to have (open vs exclusive)
However, J- hasn't given me any indication that he actually wants to pursue anything romantic. He does however often tell me he cares about me and will say things like "I heart you" and call me sweetheart. Now, don't get him wrong, he's told me he doesn't want to lead me on, and he was pretty clear that the fact that I'm married, to him, means he doesn't/can't/wont think about (one of those) anything more with me.
It's all extremely complicated.
However, J- hasn't given me any indication that he actually wants to pursue anything romantic. He does however often tell me he cares about me and will say things like "I heart you" and call me sweetheart. Now, don't get him wrong, he's told me he doesn't want to lead me on, and he was pretty clear that the fact that I'm married, to him, means he doesn't/can't/wont think about (one of those) anything more with me.
It's all extremely complicated.
MonoVCPHG
New member
When he becomes clear on what he wants, it might be good to have a chat about the use of words with him. Try to identify what words trigger you to thinking maybe there is a chance although he indicates there is none. It's about saying things that match what you are doing. If the word sweet heart makes your pulse race and your heart beat faster than perhaps he could avoid that.
Also if your relationship is a platonic friendship, perhaps you are somewhat overzealous in your expectation for such routine and obligatory communication? Try not to reach out so much as perhaps this is pushing him away a little?
Just my thoughts
lipsnlace
New member
Sounds like you're having a rough time of it. Studying abroad is really exciting, though, and if it's for an area of study that you love and will help in your future, your husband will likely be supportive; he sounds like a supportive, wonderful husband.
I lived away from my fiance for 5 months when I studied abroad in Spain, and it was terrible and wonderful in many ways. I learned how to communicate more with my guy and how to share my life with him when he wasn't living it with me. It was really hard experiencing such wonderful things without him, and not having him there when I was having a bad day. But it's doable if you have a strong, supportive partner, which is sounds like you do.
Breathe. It'll be okay. Sometimes making sacrifices-- like living away from your husband for a while-- can strengthen your relationship in ways you wouldn't expect.
Studying abroad is really exciting, though, and if it's for an area of study that you love and will help in your future, your husband will likely be supportive; he sounds like a supportive, wonderful husband. I lived away from my fiance for 5 months when I studied abroad in Spain, and it was terrible and wonderful in many ways. I learned how to communicate more with my guy and how to share my life with him when he wasn't living it with me. It was really hard experiencing such wonderful things without him, and not having him there when I was having a bad day. But it's doable if you have a strong, supportive partner, which is sounds like you do.
Breathe. It'll be okay. Sometimes making sacrifices-- like living away from your husband for a while-- can strengthen your relationship in ways you wouldn't expect.
ramfish
New member
When he becomes clear on what he wants, it might be good to have a chat about the use of words with him. Try to identify what words trigger you to thinking maybe there is a chance although he indicates there is none. It's about saying things that match what you are doing. If the word sweet heart makes your pulse race and your heart beat faster than perhaps he could avoid that.
Also if your relationship is a platonic friendship, perhaps you are somewhat overzealous in your expectation for such routine and obligatory communication? Try not to reach out so much as perhaps this is pushing him away a little?
Just my thoughts
This is most true. I'm really really getting the feeling that he isn't sure what he wants, which is why he's sending me mixed signals.
This is not the first time I have expected more from someone who has no obligation to reciprocate regularly. It has a lot to do with the way it think, how my depression can affect me when I'm worried ... etc.
I have been tempted in the past to delete his phone number from my phone, give it to a friend, and tell them not to give it back to me for X amount of time...it probably sounds extreme...but it would remove the temptation, wouldn't it?
MonoVCPHG
New member
Admit it..you know it by heart
Try to cut back...wait fot his reply as you know he will respond it sounds like. That would be a big step
ramfish
New member
Admit it..you know it by heart
I don't! Cell phone address book has made it so I only know immediate family numbers by heart!
ramfish
New member
Hmm....where do I even start? Last week was the last week of classes, so it was hectic. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep in favor of studying...but I think it was an all together productive week.
J- was my partner for the oral exam we had today so we spend last night and this early afternoon practicing for it. Also, we spent a lot of time last night having some fun time...which I don't want to get into.
I guess the point is that J- was worried about what my husband thought. He told me today he didn't kiss me as much as he would have wanted to last night because he felt weird doing it in front of my husband. My husband doesn't mind...he even left us alone for a while because he wanted to just let us be alone ... but J- doesn't get that.
Also...with the girl he's 'seeing' he has made it pretty much clear that he isn't interested in being exclusive, which is good for me I guess. I guess she has had a wild side in the past and he feels a little put off that with him she suddenly wants to settle down and be exclusive and 'normal'. Also, I get the feeling that he's still trying to figure out what to do with he and I. I know he has feelings for me, but the situation gets in the way.
And yet, after our exam he still took me out to dinner as a good job reward and we went on a little adventure around town just talking. I enjoy being with him so much. Sometimes I want to just fuck pretense and kiss him in front of everyone we know, say yeah, something's going on. It's none of your damn business anyway, so get over it.
Yet everything else is coming into question with the rest of my life. I guess it's just part of the growing experience. Right now I'm not sure what is going to happen, but I think I need to take my own advice. Today when J- was telling me he was worried about being 'that guy' the one who stole another guy's wife (or something) and about what was going on with me and my husband...I just said don't worry about it. Just, don't worry about it. Really that's something that I have to worry about, not him. And for now, just take things as they come, enjoy the moment, and do whatever feels right.
J- was my partner for the oral exam we had today so we spend last night and this early afternoon practicing for it. Also, we spent a lot of time last night having some fun time...which I don't want to get into.
I guess the point is that J- was worried about what my husband thought. He told me today he didn't kiss me as much as he would have wanted to last night because he felt weird doing it in front of my husband. My husband doesn't mind...he even left us alone for a while because he wanted to just let us be alone ... but J- doesn't get that.
Also...with the girl he's 'seeing' he has made it pretty much clear that he isn't interested in being exclusive, which is good for me I guess. I guess she has had a wild side in the past and he feels a little put off that with him she suddenly wants to settle down and be exclusive and 'normal'. Also, I get the feeling that he's still trying to figure out what to do with he and I. I know he has feelings for me, but the situation gets in the way.
And yet, after our exam he still took me out to dinner as a good job reward and we went on a little adventure around town just talking. I enjoy being with him so much. Sometimes I want to just fuck pretense and kiss him in front of everyone we know, say yeah, something's going on. It's none of your damn business anyway, so get over it.
Yet everything else is coming into question with the rest of my life. I guess it's just part of the growing experience. Right now I'm not sure what is going to happen, but I think I need to take my own advice. Today when J- was telling me he was worried about being 'that guy' the one who stole another guy's wife (or something) and about what was going on with me and my husband...I just said don't worry about it. Just, don't worry about it. Really that's something that I have to worry about, not him. And for now, just take things as they come, enjoy the moment, and do whatever feels right.
MonoVCPHG
New member
I think this is common if your partner cares about the other loves in your life. I certainly worried about it.
Sounds like you are doing pretty good, moving forward. It's good to hear
Peace and Love
Mono
ramfish
New member
Ok well my hubby is signed up on here now because these forums are private now, so ... I'm going to start calling him HP. Now back to your regularly scheduled Ramfish insanity.
Wahhhhhh
I freaked out yesterday because J- told me that we could hang out and then I couldn't get a hold of him. I KNEW that he was probably sleeping, but then I started to worry as the afternoon wore on and on and I was becoming convinced that he was avoiding me.
Well he wasn't, he had just forgotten and was, indeed, sleeping all day. When he didn't understand why I was so upset until he realized we were supposed to have plans, apologized, and then we had a long conversation about our relationship.
It pretty much came down to talking about us after I said that this is all very difficult and everything is really complicated. He said "i'm dumb, spell it out for me," so I did. Hon, I'm in love with you, but I'm married. You don't want the kind of relationship I want because I'm married. In addition, being with you has caused me to question my marriage, wonder if I did it for the right reasons, etc. It's all very confusing and extremely frustrating because you don't know how often on campus I want to jump you right in the middle of the student center and kiss you. But I'm married. Everyone we know knows that. Thus, it's very very stressful.
Yes well he knows all this, but he wants to hear me say it so he knows what I'm talking about/what I'm upset about. His feelings on the issue are...that he kinda has a girlfriend, but it's been a little weird and he already knows that it couldn't be a long term thing because of her lifestyle choices. He cares about me a lot, which is why he's talking to me about this. In a lot of ways, we already do have that kind of relationship I want without the label. He really likes me, thinks I'm really cool, but he hates that he's that guy. He hates that he came into my life and that I've fallen for him and that he's caused me to question my marriage. He feels like if he hadn't shown up, HP and I would be fine and nothing would have changed.
He doesn't want to be the rift between me and my husband, because he doesn't feel like it's fair. He says that HP has put in all this time with me, all the effort and love that goes into having a long term relationship and he doesn't like that he's causing that. He wants to step back and get out of the way until HP and I figure things out, but he really enjoys my company, so even though he wants to stand firm I can hear in the way he says it that he doesn't really want to do it.
Meanwhile, he's convinced that HP hates my relationship with J-. He thinks that when we are all together, HP is really jealous and that he's angry when he sees us flirt or kiss or even get intimate. However, when I tell HP that J- thinks this is his reaction, he gets annoyed and asks me if they need to have a conversation. I say yes, but then HP brings up a good point...if J- would even believe him if he told him that he's okay with our relationship.
So...this is where I'm at.
Has anyone else ever had a problem like this? I need to hear from a few people who have done this before...I'm scared of the shitstorm that might be coming someday.
Wahhhhhh
I freaked out yesterday because J- told me that we could hang out and then I couldn't get a hold of him. I KNEW that he was probably sleeping, but then I started to worry as the afternoon wore on and on and I was becoming convinced that he was avoiding me.
Well he wasn't, he had just forgotten and was, indeed, sleeping all day. When he didn't understand why I was so upset until he realized we were supposed to have plans, apologized, and then we had a long conversation about our relationship.
It pretty much came down to talking about us after I said that this is all very difficult and everything is really complicated. He said "i'm dumb, spell it out for me," so I did. Hon, I'm in love with you, but I'm married. You don't want the kind of relationship I want because I'm married. In addition, being with you has caused me to question my marriage, wonder if I did it for the right reasons, etc. It's all very confusing and extremely frustrating because you don't know how often on campus I want to jump you right in the middle of the student center and kiss you. But I'm married. Everyone we know knows that. Thus, it's very very stressful.
Yes well he knows all this, but he wants to hear me say it so he knows what I'm talking about/what I'm upset about. His feelings on the issue are...that he kinda has a girlfriend, but it's been a little weird and he already knows that it couldn't be a long term thing because of her lifestyle choices. He cares about me a lot, which is why he's talking to me about this. In a lot of ways, we already do have that kind of relationship I want without the label. He really likes me, thinks I'm really cool, but he hates that he's that guy. He hates that he came into my life and that I've fallen for him and that he's caused me to question my marriage. He feels like if he hadn't shown up, HP and I would be fine and nothing would have changed.
He doesn't want to be the rift between me and my husband, because he doesn't feel like it's fair. He says that HP has put in all this time with me, all the effort and love that goes into having a long term relationship and he doesn't like that he's causing that. He wants to step back and get out of the way until HP and I figure things out, but he really enjoys my company, so even though he wants to stand firm I can hear in the way he says it that he doesn't really want to do it.
Meanwhile, he's convinced that HP hates my relationship with J-. He thinks that when we are all together, HP is really jealous and that he's angry when he sees us flirt or kiss or even get intimate. However, when I tell HP that J- thinks this is his reaction, he gets annoyed and asks me if they need to have a conversation. I say yes, but then HP brings up a good point...if J- would even believe him if he told him that he's okay with our relationship.
So...this is where I'm at.
Has anyone else ever had a problem like this? I need to hear from a few people who have done this before...I'm scared of the shitstorm that might be coming someday.
MonoVCPHG
New member
Speaking as the third, the "other guy" so to speak, I can tell you based on experience that what J is feeling is very normal. I still feel like this at times. More than I usually admit in fact. I sometimes wonder if Redpepper's husband really has a choice as far as me being involved in "his" life and "his" family. I don't resent this idea, I respect it.
I check in with him pretty regularly, and although he says things are fine, there is always a part of me that thinks he isn't? Why is that? Because I wouldn't be fine. This is a product of me reversing the situation and thinking about it as him. I am projecting. This creates a false sense of understanding in me because there is a huge flaw in my approach; he is different then me. He is not me.
So to move past this I have to put faith in his words and push my own self generated doubt aside.
If Redpepper and him were to split up I would be devastated, I would take it all on and point a finger at myself and say those four words everyone hates to hear "I told you so". (I would add in "fucking" so it would actually be five words LOL. "I fucking told you so".
Is it reasonable to take on all that guilt? No, I would not be the sole factor in their split if it occurred. But convincing myself of that would take a long time. Especially as I seem to love assuming responsibility for most of the shitty stuff that happens to people in my life.
Get them to talk. If J and you are going to have something J is going to have to challenge himself in this area and he will have to find acceptance in your husband's words on some level.
Peace and Love
Mono
I check in with him pretty regularly, and although he says things are fine, there is always a part of me that thinks he isn't? Why is that? Because I wouldn't be fine. This is a product of me reversing the situation and thinking about it as him. I am projecting. This creates a false sense of understanding in me because there is a huge flaw in my approach; he is different then me. He is not me.
So to move past this I have to put faith in his words and push my own self generated doubt aside.
If Redpepper and him were to split up I would be devastated, I would take it all on and point a finger at myself and say those four words everyone hates to hear "I told you so". (I would add in "fucking" so it would actually be five words LOL. "I fucking told you so".
Is it reasonable to take on all that guilt? No, I would not be the sole factor in their split if it occurred. But convincing myself of that would take a long time. Especially as I seem to love assuming responsibility for most of the shitty stuff that happens to people in my life.
Get them to talk. If J and you are going to have something J is going to have to challenge himself in this area and he will have to find acceptance in your husband's words on some level.
Peace and Love
Mono
HPLoveshaft
New member
Greetings and Salutations
Hey. I'm a write some stuff here on Sunday. Meanwhile, work.
EDIT: Didn't get home until late Sunday, had a double date with my secondary and the wife and her J-Kun, it was a total blast. Have to go to bed early tonight so I'm not exhausted again tomorrow, I get up at 4a to be to work at 6a. Will try to write something more before Christmas, no promises.
Hey. I'm a write some stuff here on Sunday. Meanwhile, work.
EDIT: Didn't get home until late Sunday, had a double date with my secondary and the wife and her J-Kun, it was a total blast. Have to go to bed early tonight so I'm not exhausted again tomorrow, I get up at 4a to be to work at 6a. Will try to write something more before Christmas, no promises.
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ramfish
New member
The holidays have pretty much eaten me alive, and it's been a looooong week. However J- and I finally got to meet up today briefly for a movie. We didn't get to do much more than sit next to each other since my brother is visiting this weekend. He did, however bring my Christmas present which was extremely surprising and thoughtful.
Let's just say he kept saying he got me something that was supposed to kinda me a joke...but this is really more sweet than anything.
Let's just say he kept saying he got me something that was supposed to kinda me a joke...but this is really more sweet than anything.
ramfish
New member
Lol I think it's cute the way he tries to downplay things. It's a very 'guy' thing. "Oh I got you something it's kinda a joke you know. haha" But it was sweet when he gave it to me he was like "oh um there are three because you have more love than just for one heart. You know the polyamory thing." I can't get over it. It gives me a lot of confidence that he's opening up his mind to things and it makes me all giddy.