My (new) girlfriend is crushing on my nesting partner (bf of 3 years)

Topiary

Topiary

New member
I've been w J for 3 years. We had a 8mth friendship during covid after matching on Tinder Dec 2019.

Before dating I was solo poly, it was hard for him as he wasn't dating anyone, we eventually acknowledged we loved each other, but weren't ready to date.

Then he started dating and I realized I wanted to be his gf. For good, for life. I opted to bc monog, as he had never been non-monog before, and I have ADHD and didn't want our relationship to be starting while I was seeing others, and at risk of being swamped by NRE.

It's 3 years in this Sept.

We had a conversation this past month, and decided I can be solo poly again. I started seeing people casually.

I began talking to a cute girl (C). We went on a date but haven't been intimate bc for both of us, intimacy w another woman has always been for a man's gaze/pleasure. We're shy(ish) despite both being very experienced.

J and I set important boundaries such as:

1. for me to see people I need to either bring my dog or board her - she's a lot, and he doesn't want resentment from looking after her while I'm with other people.

2. I need to clean the apartment and keep things manageable if I want to be able to host and have someone come over

3. I need to let him know where I am and w who

4. Be regularly tested for STIs, not fluid bonded w partners (esp initially), inform him of any risk of sti/broken condom etc.

My schedule is nuts. I work days and nights at two different jobs, one of which is a 40min commute away from home.

C Lives 5min from my work. J was absolutely the sweetest and when they drove me to work one day, drove me to C's house so we could briefly hug and kiss and introduce C to J. The meeting went very well, J said they are comfortable and happy for me.

my schedule had an unexpected opening. I messaged J (I was at work) about having C come over two days in the future for a date at our apartment. He set a list of cleaning tasks that needed to be done for that to happen.

I agreed, I struggled through my ADHD and poor sleep quality/fibro symptoms and migraine from a barometric pressure change and soldiered on. I got some of it done, he helped me with some of it and before I knew it we had a clean apartment - and two separate beds made up with clean sheets.

bc he offered to let her stay the night.

C's plans were more open, she arrived Wed night. It's Sat night now and she may go home Mon.

Wed, her and I slept together.
Thurs her and I went on a date to a greenhouse and dinner a few towns over.
Thurs evening the three of us watched tv together

Thurs at bedtime J told me he's developing a crush on C

Fri I was at work all day *( Fri morning I clear the air w C and tell her about J's crush, which she reciprocates. I tell J I told C)

I set the boundary of - I would like to be sexually intimate w C before J is, bc our relationship is brand new and I want to explore our connection.

Fri during the day - J and C send me cute things about each other. They're both introverted, and sat beside each other working on their own things in the living room.

They worked on the dishes together, and shared the dog care.

I hear cute tidbits like how she went to do dishes and he walked over and rubbed her back to say thanks. 🥰

Fri evening I invite the 3 of us to cuddle together on a bed and watch tv. It's lovely. We're all happy. We take turns being in the middle of the pile.

Fri I fall asleep in the pile, C goes to the bedroom. J goes as well. They cuddle then J returns to me while I'm asleep. (I have no problem w this)

I wake up alone (normal as my sleep schedule is weirrrrrd)

Sat morning I cuddle with C. I cuddle separately w J. J and I almost have sex, I'm very interested, so is he, but my ADHD gets in the way and I fixate on work worries.

We go out to brunch together in public. It's wonderful.

Sat afternoon I sleep before my night shift. C tries to help me sleep, J comes in and shows her what works, C cuddles in and strokes my hair.

C leaves before I'm asleep. I nap before work and get up.

I get ready and as I am I reiterate that I think they're very cute together but restate the boundary of "I want to be intimate w my gf C before J is intimate w C"

They agree to this. J is very affectionate, he initiates soft touches, clothed shoulder rubs, hand holding etc. w C. C kisses him on the cheek while I'm at work, hours later he is still glowing. - I think this was Thurs.

While I'm at work they tell me that they are watching a movie and cuddling. J tells me they keep separating to different rooms to "take the edge off" lol. So that they don't cross my boundary.

I had just adjusted to my bf J wanting to get onto tinder and start meeting people.

I am still adjusting to my relationship w my gf C, it developed quickly and organically through long conversations and a date.

Advice - how do I make this work? What do you do when your nesting partner wants to date your new partner?

I'm more accustomed to being the hinge, and in my longer term poly relationships i am a unicorn - is that why I'm most comfortable when the three of us are together?

I am considering having group sex w the 2 of them tomorrow to process all the sexual tension, and "reward" the 3 of us for making it through this week in this little dynamic that has started. My thought is for my gf C and I to make out and maybe have sex beforehand, so that the boundary is still respected and our first encounter isn't performing for a male gaze.

Is that a bad idea?

Thoughts??
 
If you and C are ready to have sex then have at it. Clearly there's tension between her and J, and you're all setting yourselves up for failure if this holding out (I realise it's just because of work schedules) continues any longer. And I agree it would likely be much happier for you to have that opportunity to be intimate with C the first time away from the male gaze rather than heading straight for a threesome. Are you comfortable if they have 1-1 sex later in the same day that you and C have 1-1 sex, or is your boundary actually a little bigger than you currently have said?

As for a nesting partner wanting to date your new partner...well, chemistry happens. You all may be suited to a triad, or one of the connections may fizzle out once NRE wears off. Too early to tell. It seems like the communication all around is strong, great! I hope you all enjoy these growing relationships.
 
Yes we are ready.

Definitely - I've been the leg partner when the hinge wasn't able to communicate to the other leg the needs of our relationship (inc sexual intimacy) and it was awful
^ in response to it's going to be a failure

I'd like to have 1 on 1 sex with C

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with them having 1 on 1 sex, and I feel like it's because they just met on Wed.

Ya chemistry definitely hit this situation lol. I'm much more accustomed to solo poly, so having my nesting partner date others is new to me, and bc of their connection it went from "I'm going for coffee with tinder girl x" to "your gf and I have a crush on each other" very suddenly.

I feel I am also apprehensive bc C has several other partners, of various types. She has dabbled in poly, we have talked about our past relationships and she has never had a positive poly experience. We are both bringing baggage to this dynamic.

Also, J has me. I'm worried that she may lose interest in him, that it's a shiny ADHD phase and not NRE (C and I both have ADHD), and that he'll be hurt.

I'm comfortable seeing her and dating her bc my baggage and hers is compatible, but I'm struggling with needing to "control" this situation, inc these relationships bc it's making me feel powerless and wo an anchor.

J is pretty much my rock. And while I enjoy seeing them together, and how happy they make each other. I am (irrationally?) fearful that I'm not cut out to be the hinge in this relationship.

The plan was for J and I to date different people, and I know poly and human hearts don't follow a plan, but I'm still feeling lost at how quickly this developed.
 
Some of these boundaries feel more like rules. I know it's a fine line, but a boundary is something you don't feel comfortable doing. A rule is a restriction you place on other people. Rules tend not to work in poly because they lead to resentment and stifle natural feelings. I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm warning you about the difference. "I'm not sure I can feel the right intimacy with you if you have sex with my partner before you have sex with me" is a boundary. "Don't have sex with my partner before you have sex with me" is a rule. Why does the difference matter? Well, the first one still provides the other person with agency. It says "I'm telling you my feelings and letting you act accordingly." The second says "You better not do X". The result in this particular case will likely be the same, because it sounds like your new gf wants to make you happy and wants to have sex with you in a safe space.

So, I guess I'm recommending you reframe how you word some of these "boundaries" so that everyone sees them as such. As written, they sound like rules, which breeds resentment in my experience.

Everything else sounds like the beginning of a good thing, except you are worrying a bit too much about other people's safety (emotionally). That's not really up to you. You can express concerns, of course! But it's not really your job to protect other people's emotions with regard to others. That road leads nowhere good.
 
I've had long experience (14 years) with having a female nesting partner. Back in our earlier days/years, we dabbled with her having sex with my bfs. (I also had sex with her F ex when she came to town for a visit one time. That was fine. We all knew it was a "one off." Her ex was a swinger and didn't have any expectations.)

After trying it (sharing a man), we decided we didn't like it. My bfs would always get crushes on my gf (Pixi). And of course, most men have that old FMF sexual threesome fantasy. So they were always willing to go for it. And since Pixi and I were into kitchen table poly, she'd often meet and hang out with my bfs, talk, watch TV, eat with them, when they came to visit me, and she didn't have other plans to go out.

However, this got to the point where it was no longer working. It was too complicated. We never had an equal triad. It was always this uneasy place where the guy was my bf, but Pixi was his FWB. There was tension. Did he really like her, or was he just using her to fulfill a fantasy? She also didn't want to "move in on my territory" and cause resentment or jealousy issues.

We started to move away fast from this whole idea of kitchen table poly and threesome sex when one of the guys I was dating started touching her inappropriately even after she told him she wasn't interested. (He had seemingly moved on to "conquering" her after his NRE for me began to wear off.) He would try to get her drunk. I even realized one time he was touching her ass inside her pants when she was fast asleep! (He told me he thought she was awake and consenting by not moving. She was obviously asleep since she'd been up all night with her critically ill dog. I broke up with him right after that.)

Anyway, I am not a fan of triads for many reasons, mostly because 99% of the time they may start out seemingly well, because of NRE, but soon become inequal and cause pain and resentment for the person who gets left out.

Now, we both may get crushes on the other's partner, but we keep it to ourselves. We don't water it and try to get it to flower. I try to think of her bf as my brother, a "hands-off" person. (Yes, he's cute and nice and I have felt lust towards him, but I can control it!) She has her own bf, I have mine, and that's that. My current bf is new to poly and dating women. One of them showed interest in dating both of us, and I told him no way. I am not into unicorns or triads of any kind. She then refused to date him unless she could have both of us!

So, I'd say that your brand new potential gf and your long term bf are potentially causing trouble. You may think their crush on each other is cute. But what are the long-term consequences of possible imbalance and resentment going to be? Maybe she is just swept up in lustful feelings for both of you (and vice versa) and there will be no long-term compatibility anyway. You barely know her. Why complicate things right out of the gate?

Letting them be alone, just the two of them, is going to cause lust just from proximity. If I were you I'd just send her home before any more tomfoolery happens. Then have serious talks with both of them about how triads can go wrong unless handled very carefully. We have tons of stories on here about failed triads. You can do a search for the term.
 
I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with them having 1 on 1 sex, and I feel like it's because they just met on Wed.
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Um, bit of an issue here. There doesn't have to be any given length of time passing before people share sex. What beliefs do you need to deconstruct to become comfortable? Note: you can deconstruct these beliefs after the fact, too.

Also, J has me. I'm worried that she may lose interest in him, that it's a shiny ADHD phase and not NRE (C and I both have ADHD), and that he'll be hurt.
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As Openbook mentioned, this isn't your thing to manage. Just like them having 1-1 sex isn't actually yours to manage.
 
Evie said:
Are you comfortable if they have 1-1 sex later in the same day that you and C have 1-1 sex,
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This was the only helpful advice, and led to no hurt feelings and a good experience for everyone.

Thanks for helping me reframe how to approach these multiple relationships all at once.
 
That's disappointing that you didn't get more out of this thread, there are some really important comments throughout.
 
Hello Topiary,

It seems to me that you have been handling the situation pretty well so far, and your communication is good which is an important factor. It sounds like J and C honored your boundary, and now you and C have had sex? and after that J and C had sex? Just making sure I am following that correctly. You did not expect J and C to develop a crush on each other, but we can't always predict these things, and now you just have to figure out the best way to handle the unexpected situation. If you now have a triad (and it sounds like you do), then there are no legs nor hinges, just three people who are all three romantically involved with each other. You have shared responsibility for making the triad work.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
Evie said:
That's disappointing that you didn't get more out of this thread, there are some really important comments throughout.
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I am intending to read more of the thread, but there are definitely some off putting comments here
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Topiary,

It seems to me that you have been handling the situation pretty well so far, and your communication is good which is an important factor. It sounds like J and C honored your boundary, and now you and C have had sex? and after that J and C had sex? Just making sure I am following that correctly. You did not expect J and C to develop a crush on each other, but we can't always predict these things, and now you just have to figure out the best way to handle the unexpected situation. If you now have a triad (and it sounds like you do), then there are no legs nor hinges, just three people who are all three romantically involved with each other. You have shared responsibility for making the triad work.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
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It's not a triad

I have a relationship with my bf

I have a relationship with my gf

They have a relationship w each other

The three of us cuddle, interact, watch tv etc but there is not intimacy between us when the three of us are together.
 
Topiary said:
I am intending to read more of the thread, but there are definitely some off putting comments here
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When you read something "off putting," that is usually an indicator that you potentially have a deep seated belief about relationships or about yourself that is being challenged.
 
Topiary said:
It's not a triad

I have a relationship with my bf

I have a relationship with my gf

They have a relationship w each other

The three of us cuddle, interact, watch tv etc but there is not intimacy between us when the three of us are together.
Click to expand...
Group intimacy isn't a requirement of a triad, the three relationships you describe are.
Where have you been getting your information about polyamory? It sounds like you have been given some definitions that aren't quite accurate.
 
Group sex is not a requirement for a triad.

You have a 3 year relationship with J. You and he have just started getting to know C. It sounds like you're enjoying yourselves. If you have any more problems, feel free to ask for help.
 
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