My partner of three years are both poly and had a threesome but he broke a big rule and i don't know how to move on with my kink life.

[high heel queen]

Did you talk about that?
I don't think she's cuter or something, but sometimes when there is a problem it's perceived as a mutual breach of trust. I don't want to be unnecessarily negative, but he may well be insecure around you (because he got a scolding) or reconsidering the relationship.
Also, is he still seeing your threesome partner? Could there be NRE going on?

Yeah we did talk about. I straight up ask him why he hasn't finished like he used to lately and how I thought maybe it's because I can't do the things she can.

He is still seeing her, yes. I haven't asked how their relationship is going because honestly, I'm afraid to, but also I never really ask because I see that just between them.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm so sorry. I am taking your advice seriously, and putting it in my kink notebook, but I did laugh out loud at 3 "Lube." I don't know why. It just made my day. lol

I'm glad you found it funny!

But yes, I'll go forward with this once I feel ready to try again.

Yeah we did talk about [it]. I straight-up asked him why he hasn't finished like he used to lately, and how I thought maybe it's because I can't do the things she can.

Well, if he used to cum with you for three years, it's probably not that you're doing something physically different. I am guessing it's emotional. It sounds like you two had a really bad fight, yelling and screaming on your part, to the point where he offered you to hit him!

He is your dom, you said. So he's used to being protective, perhaps. Since he fucked up and let you down, suggested you and he have shower sex, but then didn't join you and had sex with the other woman instead, had an orgasm and left you hanging, he might be feeling ashamed and weak. I have found that men who consider themselves doms can have weak egos, and when they feel a shift in the power dynamic, they just crumble. It sounds like he's feeling insecure and therefore can't get into his usual groove.

When you asked him point blank why he doesn't cum anymore, what did he say? It's been months since the incident!

Rather than the new woman being somehow "better" than you, it's probably something in his head, his shame at breaking a promise, sad that he hurt your feelings, and therefore escaping into the arms of the other woman to avoid the whole subject, instead of facing it head on.

He is still seeing her, yes. I haven't asked how their relationship is going, because honestly I'm afraid to, but also I never really ask because I see that just between them.

Well, getting a general idea of how things are going is fine, I think. But this issue is between you and him, and probably stems from the botched threesome, and that now you don't want to do any kink because you don't trust him. Rather than focusing on his inability or refusal to orgasm, ask about his feelings, and tell him yours as best you can, without being accusatory.

Have you two been getting along fine otherwise? Or is there a general distance and lack of ease now?

 

[high heel queen]

When you asked him point blank why he doesn't cum anymore, what did he say? It's been months since the incident!

You have no idea how helpful you have been (and everyone else). It helps having a clear conversation without having to worry about being judged, and just straight to the point advice.
When I asked him, he has said long hours from work, new meds, being tired, or alcohol. But without going into details, I know he has cum with her since then. So saying he probably feels insecure/ashamed.

 

[high heel queen]

Have you two been getting along fine otherwise? Or is there a general distance and lack of ease now?

Kinda, yeah. We live about an hour away from each other, but we still text every day. Have felt some disconnect, to be honest.

 

[Tinwen]

Well, even without a breach of trust, I think the third year of a relationship can often bring some distance that needs to be consciously bridged. Your own NRE is probably over, you are not new to each other anymore. Partners have to think about the foundations of their relationship and maybe redefine them... for some, their NRE heightened sex-drive goes down...

In addition, he has at least one (newer) partner.

In addition, there has been the accident you describe, which has harmed your trust, your sex life in general, and pretty much erased the kinky side of your relationship. (I don't know how important kink is to you. For me, that's no minor loss.)

I encourage you to look at the bigger picture and assess the value of this relationship in your life. Then, if you want to keep it, work together on the quality. Think about the foundations it has been built on, the things that bring you both joy. Reconnect. Strengthen your foundation. Bring back trust (by looking at all the things that consistently work, and by daring to try step by step what you weren't sure you two could handle). Bring back kink. Bring back the courage to explore together...

I hope it all works out for you.

Btw., I'm not sure if you said it somewhere, are you also dating others?

 

[silver-genie]

You've been getting a lot of good feedback as to how to repair trust, but I wanted to address the part of your post where you express sadness that you can no longer explore your threesome kink. Have you considered exploring threesomes as a third to other couples? While that can come with its own host of problems, you would be far less likely to have to deal with jealousy or feeling left out.

 

[high heel queen]

Btw., I'm not sure if you said it somewhere, are you also dating others?

Thank you. We're spending a weekend together so hopefully we can talk about what steps to take. Kink is important to me and also how we met. On a kink base dating app. Everyone including you have been very helpful and I want to thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

I am I have two other partner and I've seen them for also three years. The one in my post is my primary partner.

 

[high heel queen]

You've been getting a lot of good feedback as to how to repair trust, but I wanted to address the part of your post where you express sadness that you can no longer explore your threesome kink. Have you considered exploring threesomes as a third to other couples? While that can come with its own host of problems, you would be far less likely to have to deal with jealousy or feeling left out.

I honestly think that the safest way for me to approach a threesome again in the future. I won't get hurt because honestly, for me, if they go off and do something one on one, I'll be like "Awww." Also, I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I have. So I definitely will be making sure what happened to me doesn't happen to another person.

Thank you for that advice. Definitely going to try that.

 

[high heel queen]

Hello. I'm still new to this site, but thought maybe I can get some answers and helpful tips here.

My primary partner of three years asked me if there was anything I'd always wanted to try. I was reluctant, since I am a very shy person and haven't told anyone certain kinks about me before. I told him I wanted to try a threesome. We talked for a few days about it. Rules, what I want to feel during it, what kind, etc. I was shy, but pretty comfortable during it. But now I regret ever telling him that side of me.

What happened was we had a very important rule-- that I am not left out at all. I don't want it to feel like it's just them (and of course not just us, like, I wanted the three in THREEsome). But long story short, we had fun with her, then went to the club for a few hours, then headed back to the hotel.

Now, I was on my period, but we all still found a way for me to be included while having fun. He did said something along the lines of, "Hey, let's shower together, since it won't be messy, and we can have a little us moment, since you couldn't be included completely before." I was happy and went to the bathroom. While I started the shower, he had sex with her for 30+ minutes. I showered, took off my makeup, did all the skin and body care, and just heard their moans repeatedly over and over again. I felt sick and completely forgotten.

Fast forward to a few months, I've forgiven him, but now I'm struggling with the fact that maybe I can never explore my kinks. I'm trying to learn how to live with the pain. I still love him, but I just can't forget little me in the corner of the bathroom, hearing a man I love making love to another woman, completely forgetting what he said to me 5 min beforehand. I've been crying a lot more lately. There is some more to the story, but I'm already at my mental limit, typing this out. Will add clarification, if needed, in the comments. Thank you for reading.

Update: Everyome has been so helpful and I am forever grateful for the advice and conversations. We talked for hours. I asked him how he felt when everything and about happening, told him how I felt. Explained to him that years of trust needs to be built to even think about doing something like that again, how I am still his girlfriend and I love him but won't be his sub until I feel like there's more trust, and that I'll be doing threesomes as a third to other couples I know. He didn't like it but he also understands that this is what is happening and it's my choice. We are doing a lot better now. The pain is still there but more of a paper cut with lemon juice in it rather than a knife through the heart, hurts but its more livable. Again I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read and reply.

 

[kdt26417]

Thanks for that update, it sounds like the two of you have a better understanding, although he still doesn't completely get how serious his misbehavior was. I think you'll need him to get a better grasp of that concept before you can trust him again.

 

[Tinwen]

... he still doesn't completely get how serious his misbehavior was. I think you'll need him to get a better grasp of that concept before you can trust him again.

Where do you read that?

 

[kdt26417]

"Explained to him that years of trust needs to be built to even think about doing something like that again, how I am still his girlfriend and I love him but won't be his sub until I feel like there's more trust, and that I'll be doing threesomes as a third to other couples I know. He didn't like it but he also understands that this is what is happening and it's my choice."

Just sounds to me like he takes his own role in the situation less seriously than he should.

 

[Tinwen]

Hm ok, I guess you could think he should be actively offering repairs and reassurance. I was thinking we know almost nothing about his reaction or what they have already done (after all, it's been months), and it's a good sign to take something you don't like as it is.

I feel it's a pitty that the DS part of the relationship is being cast asside entirely instead of worked on, but whatever high heel queen (and the couple) needs to do needs to be done.

 

[kdt26417]

To clarify a bit more, what I am hearing high heel queen say, is that he is granting her the right to make her own decisions. Which is good as far as it goes. But what I am not hearing, is that he *understands why* she is choosing to set aside D/s and threesomes with him for the time being. Granted I could be reading too much into what high heel queen is and isn't saying here, but such is a bit of clarification on what I was thinking.

 

[high heel queen]

Hm ok, I guess you could think he should be actively offering repairs and reassurance.

I had the same thoughts. Its hard because we're far waya from eachother. Not trying to argue, reading your post had my questioning and thinking on things. (Which is good so I don't keep spiraling on the negative thoughts)

 

[high heel queen]

I feel it's a pitty that the DS part of the relationship is being cast asside entirely instead of worked on, but whatever high heel queen (and the couple) needs to do needs to be done.

Not completely tossed aside. I still want him to be my Dom, its just hard to be his sub if I can't trust that he'll follow rules and boundaries when any type scenes (and I tend to like hard-core ones)

 

[high heel queen]

To clarify a bit more, what I am hearing high heel queen say, is that he is granting her the right to make her own decisions. Which is good as far as it goes. But what I am not hearing, is that he *understands why* she is choosing to set aside D/s and threesomes with him for the time being. Granted I could be reading too much into what high heel queen is and isn't saying here, but such is a bit of clarification on what I was thinking.

Just adding some clarification I told him I felt forgotten and unloved during the time of the even and very much after. (I really hope that didn't come across as me like being rude or something if it did I apologize)

 

[Tinwen]

Not completely tossed aside. I still want him to be my Dom, its just hard to be his sub if I can't trust that he'll follow rules and boundaries when any type scenes (and I tend to like hard-core ones)

As far as I understand, it was the only consent violation/accident you had, and it wasn't exactly in a DS scene or context. Would it help to remember the long history where he DID respect your agreements? Are there other reasons for mistrust?

We can also take the kink talk to pm if you'd like, I sure would not want my consent accidents (on either side of the rope) discussed publicly.

 

[kdt26417]

Re: "Just adding some clarification: I told him I felt forgotten and unloved during the time of the even and very much after. (I really hope that didn't come across as me like being rude or something if it did I apologize)" ... not at all, no apology necessary. I just thought he should be more understanding, based on what I've read so far.