The girlfriend, Ana has a kid that is 21. And my boyfriend, Sam is not the father. If we get something bigger we will live together. I think Sams mom will be there for the move and the baby if she has one. But I agree on holding off on the baby situation.
My partner's other partner
- Thread starter Nay
- Start date
Hello Nay,
I would assume that just as Ana would get more attention while she was pregnant and then had a newborn, that you would then get more attention while you were pregnant and then had a newborn. Would you consider that a fair exchange? Are you just worried that you will not be able to cope during the time that she is getting the extra attention? This does seem like the wrong time for having babies.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
I would assume that just as Ana would get more attention while she was pregnant and then had a newborn, that you would then get more attention while you were pregnant and then had a newborn. Would you consider that a fair exchange? Are you just worried that you will not be able to cope during the time that she is getting the extra attention? This does seem like the wrong time for having babies.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
Are you actually happy now? Has this relationship run its course?
You want marriage. It sounds like he doesn't.
Do you even want to triad with Sam and Ana? Or would this be better a poly V?
How did he answer that?
On family planning, he's ok making babies with Ana, the ex who came back. Not taking time to see if they still have anything in common. Just jump right back in and start TTC.
Sam doesn't seem to get how much attention pregnant ladies/newborns need and you don't want to take a backseat to that. Sam also figures his MOM will take care of his new baby and Ana herself. And he doesn't seem to have a plan once he's done with school.
What makes this a great partner choice for you? I get you've been together 6 years but if you met Sam TODAY... what makes this a great choice? Would you still pick Sam out?
I see you are working to be an RN and want to have a child, but does it have to be with Sam?
And do you really want one at graduation when you are starting out as an RN?
Everything is about him and what he feels? What about what YOU want and what YOU feel?
Would you prefer your own place?
Ana has a 21 yr old kid. Now she wants this new baby by your BF. And you want a baby by your BF. Do you really want to create a family with all these half siblings so far apart in age? How does the 21K feel about all that? Is the 21K independent yet? If something happens to Ana, 21K doesn't have to take charge of their sibling if Sam is a flake, do they?
If Sam's Mom ages / gets sick/ dies... are you going to be dealing with your child and this other baby and trying to finish raising the 21K? Sam's not just passing the child raising buck around to others right?
I hope that's not like they made some plan and you are expected to just fall into line with it with no voice of your own.
I'm not sure you are actually happy here. I could be wrong but you sound like you are on "damage control" trying to hang on to the relationship with Sam when all these things have come up.
You might be better off finishing your RN degree, keeping your own place and holding off on your pregnancy plans. NOT putting any money into any house with Sam and Ana. They can buy it themselves. You have a place, Ana has a place. Sam the hinge goes back and forth.
Because if things get even worse? You can walk away easier when you ALREADY have a place. You don't have to deal in breaking up AND having to set up a new flat for yourself. You don't get stuck living with exes because you don't have the funds to move back out just yet. You don't get childcare just dumped on you because you live there and they have a baby. That new baby is NOT your project. And it is easier to maintain that boundary from your own home.
This doesn't sound like a good time to create more entanglements with Sam.
Again... Are you actually happy? Is this a healthy relationship?
You don't have to answer here. But I STRONGLY suggest you think about that. Might read these and reflect.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
Galagirl
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LaminarFlow
Active member
Thank you for responding cause I never actually thought about some of these questions. I will definitely bring them up. I am happy with him but having mixed feelings about the baby situation. He didn’t want to propose to me cause I am still currently married. There has been issues trying to get a divorce but he has no problem marrying me. Anas 21k is independent but I haven’t asked her how he would feel about another child. I did ask has anyone considered my feelings about the situation which will all be addressed when we meet up again. I actually think it’s a poly V. She is really ok and all and I do prefer to finish my degree and work a bit. Samdoes have a plan for after school with computer engineering. They get along well when they are together but I think they still need time and to also see if Ana and I will still get along.
I agree with this because no one asked me. Sam said when she was in the picture before that they talked about having a baby. Me and Sam had a slight falling out when she came along the first time. I said, "That was before. Now that Ana lives here and is back, is that still on the table?"
Glad it helped you some.
You might want to wrap up your divorce and enjoy life being NOT married for a while, even if you keep dating Sam.
There can only be one legal marriage. You might not be in a hurry to do that with Sam right now, or EVER. You might prefer no such legal entanglements. It would really suck if he wound up being a drag/deadbeat with Ana's baby, and YOU with a nice nursing job ended up paying HIM alimony. Slow things down.
And would she even get the truth from 21K? Or tell you the truth?
Call it a poly V then. Sam is the hinge, you and Ana are metas, and that's it. You don't date her, you don't do group sex with them, you do nothing. There is nothing wrong with parallel poly and just being "basic polite" to your meta if you run into her somewhere.
Being an okay person is fine. But it is not a reason for you to create bigger life entanglements here with Sam and Ana, especially when you are still untangling from your STBX.
You are facing huge changes soon -- divorce, graduating as an RN. Why should you pile on MORE things in your life right now? Just because Sam wants to make babies with Ana, and have you and her move in with him in a brand new house mortgage, how's that got to be your problem or on your plate right now? It doesn't. If they want to take on a mortgage they can do it without you. If they want to make babies, they can do that without you, too. And no, you don't have to help with her pregnancy, or the childcare, or any of it.
THEN SLOW THINGS DOWN. You could deal in your divorce and get to graduation first. Maintain your own flat. Live life for a while like that.
There's no rush to live with Sam and Ana and their new baby. See how all that shakes out from the sidelines before you jump in there with it. You aren't involved in that. You aren't this baby's coparent. It's not your biz.
They also broke up before. Do they have the skills to stick with it this time, or will there be another break-up down the road, this time with a baby and joint custody issues and more mess?
That is my suggestion to you. SLOW DOWN. Stay off to the side. Clean up your old STBX stuff before starting new stuff. That way you get to see what this is gonna be. If it's a mess, you can get out easier if you are already off to the side and not in the thick of it.
Be cautious with your well-being. The divorce process is already going to ding you some. That needs time to settle. While joyful, graduating will also ding you some, because it's changing your routine from "nursing student" to "go find a nursing job." That will need time to settle, too.
You don't need to take on new projects or new dings you could AVOID or POSTPONE. Spread some of this out.
Galagirl
You might want to wrap up your divorce and enjoy life being NOT married for a while, even if you keep dating Sam.
There can only be one legal marriage. You might not be in a hurry to do that with Sam right now, or EVER. You might prefer no such legal entanglements. It would really suck if he wound up being a drag/deadbeat with Ana's baby, and YOU with a nice nursing job ended up paying HIM alimony. Slow things down.
And would she even get the truth from 21K? Or tell you the truth?
State where you stand super clear. You don't have to do what they are doing.
Call it a poly V then. Sam is the hinge, you and Ana are metas, and that's it. You don't date her, you don't do group sex with them, you do nothing. There is nothing wrong with parallel poly and just being "basic polite" to your meta if you run into her somewhere.
Being an okay person is fine. But it is not a reason for you to create bigger life entanglements here with Sam and Ana, especially when you are still untangling from your STBX.
You are facing huge changes soon -- divorce, graduating as an RN. Why should you pile on MORE things in your life right now? Just because Sam wants to make babies with Ana, and have you and her move in with him in a brand new house mortgage, how's that got to be your problem or on your plate right now? It doesn't. If they want to take on a mortgage they can do it without you. If they want to make babies, they can do that without you, too. And no, you don't have to help with her pregnancy, or the childcare, or any of it.
THEN SLOW THINGS DOWN. You could deal in your divorce and get to graduation first. Maintain your own flat. Live life for a while like that.
There's no rush to live with Sam and Ana and their new baby. See how all that shakes out from the sidelines before you jump in there with it. You aren't involved in that. You aren't this baby's coparent. It's not your biz.
They also broke up before. Do they have the skills to stick with it this time, or will there be another break-up down the road, this time with a baby and joint custody issues and more mess?
That is my suggestion to you. SLOW DOWN. Stay off to the side. Clean up your old STBX stuff before starting new stuff. That way you get to see what this is gonna be. If it's a mess, you can get out easier if you are already off to the side and not in the thick of it.
Be cautious with your well-being. The divorce process is already going to ding you some. That needs time to settle. While joyful, graduating will also ding you some, because it's changing your routine from "nursing student" to "go find a nursing job." That will need time to settle, too.
You don't need to take on new projects or new dings you could AVOID or POSTPONE. Spread some of this out.
Galagirl
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Thank you so much. This has really helped me out I this situation.