My relationships are hard, I don't know how to feel

J

JenuineAva

New member
I'm dating 2 men and a woman.

Let's call them T for the woman,
D for the one man,
And J for the second.

We have been together 3 weeks+ and we're not really hitting the stride I thought we would...
I'm super confused about the dynamics.
I feel like J and I are good and close. We have been friends 10+ years.
T and I are ok. She and I are learning each other gradually.

T and J are engaged. They have a baby and have had a relationship around 4 years now.

But D and I.... I know he has mental health issues, and so do I. We butt heads and have issues we're trying to get through. But I almost feel like D treats me 100% different then he does T. He even said he is in love with T. But, he loves us all... I feel he doesn't even really try with me...

I also find we take one step forward, he takes 3 steps away or back. And... we are physical, but he won't let it get past a certain point with me, but does with her.

Am I wrong to feel upset? I try to not upset anyone, but he makes it difficult to get anything from, him physical, or emotional or just anything.
 
After three weeks, what are you expecting? And why be anything other than casually acquainted, it sounds like you're forcing things "because poly" when that's not a requirement of poly. Just stop being physical with him or trying to be anything other than distantly respectful.
 
Evie said:
After three weeks, what are you expecting? And why be anything other than casually acquainted, it sounds like you're forcing things "because poly" when that's not a requirement of poly. Just stop being physical with him or trying to be anything other than distantly respectful.
Click to expand...
That's a pretty harsh assessment
 
Evie said:
After three weeks, what are you expecting? And why be anything other than casually acquainted, it sounds like you're forcing things "because poly" when that's not a requirement of poly. Just stop being physical with him or trying to be anything other than distantly respectful.
Click to expand...
JenuineAva said:
That's a pretty harsh assessment
Click to expand...
Maybe they'd like to talk this through first?

JenuineAva, it's very unlikely (not to say impossible) for feelings and physical attraction to develop at the same time and pace for multiple people. That's why triads and quads are so difficult and more often than not poly relationships take a shape of more loosely connected "V", "N" (or perhaps "M" :D) shapes, where A dates B and B dates C who dates D, but A doesn't date C (or D). It could be very beneficial for you all to allow for the possibility that not everyone will be physical with everyone else.
 
It really helps the members here to offer feedback if you choose actual nicknames for the people involved, not just initials. I am going to pick names, but of course, you can choose others. Then go back and plug them in, if your 24-hour edit window allows it.

You are JenuineAva.
Assuming J is a man, let's call him Jack.
T can be Tania.
D can be Dan.

To break it down:
Jack and Tania are a long-term couple. You are good long-term friends with Jack but don't know Tania well.
Dave is someone new. Maybe he's been with Tania for a while. How long?
He says he loves her. Perhaps he's in love (or lust) with her, but loves the rest of you as friends. (Or maybe he's just saying that to get in her pants?)
It seems like you think he's supposed to be your sexual partner, but he's not that into you.
You just switched 3 weeks ago from being Jack's friend to being his sexual partner?
Are you and Tania bi? The friendship seems new and barely begun. Are you having casual sex with Tania and Jack in threesomes?
How does Dave enter the picture?
Is this supposed to be an equal quad?
Do you all hang out, go out, cook together, cuddle, have overnights? Is that comfortable and relaxing, or weird?
What is the goal here, and why?
How do your and Dave's unspecified "mental illnesses" impact things?
Is everyone new to ethical non-monogamy?
How can Jack and Tania begin and sustain a complicated quad with a brand new baby in the mix?

Please don't feel overwhelmed by my questions. I just like to know more before offering advice. Take your time...
 
Hello JenuineAva,

It sounds like you have found your first three weeks of poly dating to be somewhat disappointing. Perhaps D is the main sticking point, he says he loves you but then he kind of treats you bad. I know he has mental health issues so maybe he can't help it? Is he getting professional help for it? It sounds like he treats T better than you. This has got to be upsetting for you, are you sure you want to continue in a relationship with him? He doesn't seem to have the kind of feelings for you that would justify a relationship. Like maybe you have strong feelings for him, but he has weak feelings for you. It's like he's keeping you at arm's length. That's got to hurt.

I hope I can help,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top