My unique situation and i need advise!

L

lostone90

New member
My Introduction,
My husband and I have been together for 7 years married for 5 we have two young children ages 5 & 3 our relationship has been mono the entire time.

The hard part,
Before my husband and I started dating he was dating another girl who he was in love with. She ended up moving to another state due to school. That's about the time we started dating. She found out that my husband was dating me and was very upset due to a prior agreement that they weren't together but they were going to wait for each other. She ended up having unprotected sex and got pregnant and decided to work things out with the father of her child. That ended up not lasting and she began to lean on my husband for comfort and moral support. At this point my husband and i had our first child and i came to know this girl due to she was his 1st cousin. My husband left to go visit her and ended up cheating on me with her and didn't tell me till 2 years later. she has since moved back to the state we live in now and my husband began to reconnect with her again. He has fallen back into love with her and has brought up the idea of polyamory. Now his cousin and I our both mono so we are very uncomfortable with this situation and we don't want to share, However she has been very respectful this entire time towards my husbands and I relationship. On top of this she does not know that I know that she is the one that he wants to be with. She thinks its still a secret. My husband has been completely honest with me and completely transparent. This is a very unique situation and i do not know how to handle it. I am not for a poly relationship but i am trying to have an open mind considering its completely something new for me and something completely unique.

I am posting this because i really could use some advise on what to do, How to handle this situation, and to better learn what my husband is feeling.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you!
 
Greetings lostone90,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm afraid your husband hasn't gone about things very well, and his cousin doesn't seem so respectful of your marriage when she participates with your husband in cheating on you. It is generous of you to consider polyamory. Don't force yourself to accept it; polyamory isn't for everyone.

In addition to Polyamory.com, there's a few other resources you can turn to:

Any questions or concerns you have, you can post here. We'll help out as best we can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
She was unaware that he was with me when he cheated so I am not mad at her I was mad at him we have since then worked through it.
 
Ohhh, okay -- I misunderstood. Heh, though I can see why you were mad at him.

I don't mean to discourage you from exploring polyamory -- Polyamory is a great thing, a rare and hidden treasure in our society today. And you may find that it makes a lot of sense, and that it works out well for you.

My only caveat is that your husband must be honest. Such as telling his cousin about you! That's all I'm saying.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree, now I've always been mono but I am open minded to my husband being Poly I just have a hard time with it because he works 60 hours a week and feel that he doesn't have time for me and our children as it is. He also wants it to be sexual and I've told him that I'm not ready for that but how will I know if I will ever be okay with it? Also on that note if I tell him it's okay when I'm ready how will I know that I am really ready and won't regret saying yes afterwards? Right now I don't want to share him and she feels the same how do I get over that and get her to agree to the same?
 
This all sounds really tough. I feel for you. Just picking up on some of what you have said:

lostone90 said:
Before my husband and I started dating he was dating another girl who he was in love with. She ended up moving to another state due to school. That's about the time we started dating. She found out that my husband was dating me and was very upset due to a prior agreement that they weren't together but they were going to wait for each other.
Click to expand...

So, your husband lied to her. Told her he'd wait for her but instead started dating you.

lostone90 said:
My husband left to go visit her and ended up cheating on me with her and didn't tell me till 2 years later.
Click to expand...

Then your husband lied to you. Told you he'd be monogamous with you but instead had sex with his previous girlfriend.

lostone90 said:
On top of this she does not know that I know that she is the one that he wants to be with. She thinks its still a secret.
Click to expand...

And - your husband is now lying to her. She thinks that she is having a secret affair with him but you know all about it and in fact you and your husbands are having discussions about poly.


lostone90 said:
Any advice would be appreciated.
Click to expand...

What you've posted reads to me as if your husband has a long term habit of lying to his romantic partners. Past behaviour tends to be a good predictor of future behaviour (unless people work hard to change it) so if I were you, I would expect that whether or not you embrace poly, your husband will continue to lie to and cheat on you when it suits him.

In your shoes I'd be figuring out if I were willing to go on in a relationship that features lying and cheating rather than worrying about poly at this time.

IP
 
If neither your nor his cousin actually want a poly relationship for any reason other than to keep this man as your romantic partner, then I can't see things working out. :( Poly-mono relationships *can* work, but typically only if the hinge person (your husband in this case) has enough time and energy to spend with both partners, AND the mono partner(s) enjoy an independent lifestyle. Given what you've already said about him working 60 hour weeks, you and she are both going to have to accept a big reduction in time and attention compared to what you might hope for/already be used to. PLUS you are both raising young kids - is he going to take time away from them to be with her? Is he going to want to raise her child as well as his own? How is that going to change your family dynamic? If neither of you are interested in having more alone time, or in dating others, I can see you both feeling lonely and resentful of one another, and ultimately feeling unsatisfied in your respective relationships with him.

What is his long-term plan and expectations here? Does he even know what he wants? You and he need to be talking about way more than just whether it's okay for him to get sexual with her again. First of all, he cheated - are you recovered from that as a couple? Do you trust him? Secondly, what kind of relationship model are you looking to have here? One where you are primary and she is secondary? (Would she be happy with that?) Something where there is no hierarchy, and there is tolerance for the idea that one day he might develop a spousal type relationship with her too? Would he like to cohabit with you both? Have two separate houses? Have kids with her someday? Can he financially support you both, or can you and she support yourselves? So. Much. To. Consider.

Finally, are you okay with his choice of prospective partner? If your husband is poly, then that's one thing. You might be able to accept that, in time. Transitioning your marriage from closed to open might honestly be easier if he didn't have someone 'waiting in the wings' so to speak, or even if he wasn't interested in someone who a) he cheated on you with in the past, b) he had a serious relationship with in the past, and b) he was related to. I know that for many people, them being first cousins would not trigger any social taboos, but speaking personally this would absolutely squick me the hell out. My cousins are very much immediate family to me, and in your shoes I would feel like there is a huge risk of familial upset around this. How are your respective families and friends going to react to your (collective) relationship?

I feel really sorry for you right now. Please don't let yourself get railroaded into trying to accept his fantasy. Someone in this mess needs to have a practical head on them and bring these issues to the table. He's not going to be spending any time thinking about reasons why this might be a shitty idea, and if she's full of NRE (new relationship energy) she's probably just happy to agree to anything he says right now as long as she gets to be in some kind of relationship with him, so it's going to fall on your shoulders to try to keep discussion on important rational things. And that's going to be hard because you are dealing with your own emotional response to the cheating and the inevitable insecurities this is bound to bring up about your marriage.
 
I am so sorry you are struggling.

  • Neither of you wants to share.
  • You say you know she is the one he really wants to be with.

Rather than use poly to avoid talking about breaking up... How about talking about breaking up? Because to me it sounds like poly is hard for you and not likely to make you happy.

And breaking up is hard, but ultimately could lead to happiness because it sets you free to pursue a partner who can keep their Word, wants you and wants monogamy . Wants the things you value. And breaking up sets you free from wonky poly stuff which you do not want.

Your husband cheated with his cousin and while it is admirable that you seem to have worked past that? I don't think starting a poly V with his former cheating partner is a good idea. I have never seen that succeed.

CONS

  • He works 60 hours a week as it is and is short on time.

  • There are small kids here needing time and attention.

  • First cousins together? That would bother me. It might bother some of the rest of the family. Will your people withdraw from you as a result? Not help with childcare? Not help you if things go sour with the wonky poly? (You might want to sort that out before going there. What kind of support you can expect from your people? Because I doubt his people or her people will be eager to take you+ kids on if this explodes. )

BIGGEST CON

  • He doesn't keep his Word. That's a big problem to me.

It is not like poly is automatically "cheat proof." Why enter a poly thing you do not really want with a guy who makes agreements he does not keep? How does his inability to keep his Word make him awesome poly partner? Or mono partner?

He cheated on his agreement with her to stay true when he started with you. He cheated on his agreements with you when he took up with her. He also was not honest with her because he kept you and his new baby hidden. He kept the affair hidden for two years. I do not know how the affair came out, or how you healed from it.

But today he is telling something she thinks is secret to score "honesty points" with you to help talk you into poly. Maybe by making you afraid that since she is the one he wants to be with, this is the only way to "not lose him. " To do the poly HE wants.

Is that what is going on here? If so, that sounds kinda manipulative to me. :(

If you say ok from fear of losing him when you don't really want to share?
If she says ok for her to gain access to him even though she doesn't want to share?
If he says whatever in the moment to each of you to get his way?

That sounds like wonky consent rather than joyous full consent from all participants. In time, that could crumble into resentments.

When all choices stink, pick the less stinky. I think (talking about a peaceful split now) is less stinky than (entering into wonky poly you don't really want with his former cheating affair partner who is also is cousin).

Making an already tough situation even tougher is not a good idea.

I could respect a partner who came to me and told me they want to split because they really want to be with someone else. It hurts, but it is respectful behavior toward me. I could see where a peaceful split would benefit all so I would cooperate with that.

Telling me they really want to be with someone else while offering to keep me around in a poly model? I am ok with poly model but I am not ok with crumbs. I am also not ok with letting the other one think things are still a secret when he already spilled. It makes me complicit in the deception and I do not find that respectful toward me or toward her. I would not cooperate with that idea.

I don't know how you feel about it all but I suggest you take a time out to think that out. Then base your next choices on what is best for YOU and your preferences rather than what works out easiest for him.

Galagirl
 
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I know I'm sensitive to this as a poly straight man married to a mono woman, but it needs to be said: Polyamory is not a "get out of jail free" card for cheating. It's just not. I'd take your husband's claims that he wants to explore polyamory a whole lot more seriously if he wasn't lying to you, his cousin, and probably himself. Choosing to go poly is not a decision to make lightly. Using the concept of polyamory as a salve to absolve oneself from feeling guilty about cheating is repulsive, and he should be called out on that.

And, yes, as I say I am sensitive to feeling this way. But I've been seeing a lot of cheating guys lately trying to cover themselves by saying, "no no I'm poly!"
 
I echo sentiments already expressed by OnceAndFuture and GalaGirl here.

1. The cousin thing would bug me. Sorry. I don't think I'd be thrilled with my husband wanting to shag his cousin. Also, she's got at least one fatherless child and you have kids he barely has time for. Has he considered vasectomy? You don't have to answer that. I'm just saying.

2. I'm starting to feel like "if I had a nickel for every time..." Because I keep on hearing stories of Well, I caught my partner cheating and they came out to me as polyamorous, so I guess I have to respect their lifestyle choices now. Nuh uh. As OnceAndFuture said, poly is not a freaking "get out of jail free" card for cheaters. And believe me, polyamorous people have a hard enough time standing up for the legitimacy of our relationship habits in conversation with the monogamous majority, without them seeing it as just an excuse cheaters use to bone whoever they want.

That's now how this works. That's now how any of this works.

So. Each of these things is pretty much independent of the others....

Your husband has wronged you. And her. And himself. And his kids. Why? Because he was a coward and he lied. We lie when we are scared of the consequences of telling the truth, and too selfish to just NOT DO the thing that would lead to the necessity of a lie in the first place. And he's got to face that and people need to find some legit forgiveness. If those involved cannot have honesty and forgiveness in a very real way, then this isn't gonna work.

You, and her, have to consider if being poly is even something you can live with. What is the potential drama lurking on the horizon? Are family get togethers going to be weird? Is there going to be competitive tension, people talking about people behind backs? If it goes badly with her, or with you, in the future (a breakup) what is that likely to look like? Think it all through. CAN you share? And can you share with his cousin? And if he's determined to do so, for the love of cheez-wiz can he please not breed with her? I mean you know that's not a good idea, right?

(I am ASSUMING that they are biological, not adopted, relatives, yes?)

Are you prepared to see your marriage end if you stand your ground? If you can't share, if you can't see him divert his rare personal time to another woman? I think you're justified in leaving, to be honest, but you've got kids together and I'm not sure where you're at on the whole concept of being a single parent and all. But when it's bad...well...I used to think it was worthwhile and important to stay with my man. Now I wish I'd left sooner. Most women who eventually leave a man who is behaving badly, say they wish they'd done it sooner. Your call.
 
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