my wife and I have differing non monogamous sexual preferences
- Thread starter Swinger604
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Swinger604
New member
Yes exactly and now she doesn't have the flight option because she doesn't want to leave our kids.
She's actually left us more than a few times and the one time I didn't try to stop her as I didn't want to be controlling. She was very upset with me and led to much more fighting. She's threatened suicide almost every time she leaves us. Which is the biggest factor in me just kinda giving her what she wants.
She's actually left us more than a few times and the one time I didn't try to stop her as I didn't want to be controlling. She was very upset with me and led to much more fighting. She's threatened suicide almost every time she leaves us. Which is the biggest factor in me just kinda giving her what she wants.
Marcus
Well-known member
This is my assessment as well. Unfortunately it seems that what we have here is an issue of two people really not being on the same page in a fundamental way. While they may have disagreements about "what does poly look like?", that question seems irrelevant considering where they are as people trying to relate to one another.
Lots of people have advice on what to do with a busted up relationship, and most of it is useless. I also have advice... it's probably useless.
It must be really draining to live with an unstable partner who periodically threatens suicide. I am sorry you deal with this. You've taken on loads of her problems - consider to give her back some responsibility for her own life.
She needs serious psychological help (if she becomes willing, that is), but consider that maybe you do too - the situation sucks, and (as long as she doesn't bring home a disease) non-monogamy is just the smallest part of it.
She needs serious psychological help (if she becomes willing, that is), but consider that maybe you do too - the situation sucks, and (as long as she doesn't bring home a disease) non-monogamy is just the smallest part of it.
This particular thing is maybe not as much a threat as her only logical option, as she can't support herself and has her family there. But otherwise, I agree.
I am very sorry you struggle. 
You have a LOT going on.
If you prefer to break up? Then I suggest you go for it so you can stop experiencing all this drama. You sound drained.
Whose choice was it to be with you rather than play the field? Hers. She's blame shifting.
All this other stuff that sticks out from your posts to me?
This sounds like up and down drama. Push-pull stuff.
Well, you don't have to choose to live your life with a closed off person who treats you poorly and doesn't sound all that compatible for how you want to do Open relationships. Just because people are Open, doesn't mean they agree on the same KIND of open model to practice together. The "Open stuff" takes a backseat to the mental health stuff.
I suggest you ask her to see a therapist to get her up-and-down under control. It def sounds like a problem affecting the marriage.
Suicide gestures are a serious problem. I def place that as a higher concern than the "open stuff."
Have you called 911 or Baker Acted to get her to care when she is this way? Does it affect the children? Do you think she has a personality disorder? Maybe browsing http://outofthefog.website helps you list what you have been experiencing. Then you can take that list to a counselor for YOU so you get professional support and advice in figuring out next steps.
I strongly encourage you to seek professional care for yourself. I hope venting here helped you some but you have a LOT of layers going on here. More than internet people can help with.
In the end? If she is not willing to take personal responsibility for her mental health so being together isn't some up and down roller coaster turmoil?
You have to take personal responsibility for your mental health. That may mean contemplating a different future without her as your wife because being with her that way sucks you dry. If being divorced co-parents could work out better for your well being? Then you could go there and create the peace in your life that you want to have.
I think you could seek a counselor to support you emotionally while you file for divorce. Set it in motion and begin making co-parenting arrangements. If the children are old enough, ask them what they prefer in the event of a divorce. If she wants to live with the children in another country make the plan for visits and so on. Make your child and alimony support arrangements as needed. Offer to take full custody of the children if she wants to live more "free" so she can do whatever swinging she wants. But however you make the arrangements? Get on with making them.
You cannot be living like this forever. You seem extremely unhappy.
I'm truly sorry for that.
Galagirl
You have a LOT going on.
If you prefer to break up? Then I suggest you go for it so you can stop experiencing all this drama. You sound drained.
Whose choice was it to be with you rather than play the field? Hers. She's blame shifting.
All this other stuff that sticks out from your posts to me?
- now she feels tricked because now we have children and she cant leave me.
- She says its OK if I leave her.
- she's saying it's all my fault if we break up.
- She's even mentioned if we break up she will take our children away from me and move to another country where her family is so they can be her support system.
- she says she can't (break up) because she is going through clinical depression and anxiety and is afraid she will not be able to survive on her own.
This sounds like up and down drama. Push-pull stuff.
Well, you don't have to choose to live your life with a closed off person who treats you poorly and doesn't sound all that compatible for how you want to do Open relationships. Just because people are Open, doesn't mean they agree on the same KIND of open model to practice together. The "Open stuff" takes a backseat to the mental health stuff.
I suggest you ask her to see a therapist to get her up-and-down under control. It def sounds like a problem affecting the marriage.
Suicide gestures are a serious problem. I def place that as a higher concern than the "open stuff."
Have you called 911 or Baker Acted to get her to care when she is this way? Does it affect the children? Do you think she has a personality disorder? Maybe browsing http://outofthefog.website helps you list what you have been experiencing. Then you can take that list to a counselor for YOU so you get professional support and advice in figuring out next steps.
I strongly encourage you to seek professional care for yourself. I hope venting here helped you some but you have a LOT of layers going on here. More than internet people can help with.
In the end? If she is not willing to take personal responsibility for her mental health so being together isn't some up and down roller coaster turmoil?
You have to take personal responsibility for your mental health. That may mean contemplating a different future without her as your wife because being with her that way sucks you dry. If being divorced co-parents could work out better for your well being? Then you could go there and create the peace in your life that you want to have.
I think you could seek a counselor to support you emotionally while you file for divorce. Set it in motion and begin making co-parenting arrangements. If the children are old enough, ask them what they prefer in the event of a divorce. If she wants to live with the children in another country make the plan for visits and so on. Make your child and alimony support arrangements as needed. Offer to take full custody of the children if she wants to live more "free" so she can do whatever swinging she wants. But however you make the arrangements? Get on with making them.
You cannot be living like this forever. You seem extremely unhappy.
I'm truly sorry for that.
Galagirl
Last edited:
Emm
Stealth Mod
If she credibly threatened to kill a neighbour would you cave in to her demands, or would you call the police? Why is it any different just because it's herself she's threatening to kill?
Threats are honestly a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. If she's doing that, you have to stop and consider the impact that has on both your and your children's mental health.
I apologize if it seemed like we jumped on, but poly is something we can be sensitive about, especially when people appear to use it as excuses for behavior that doesn't fit poly at all.
I think at the least if you aren't in therapy you should be, so you can get help sorting out these issues. Threats that make you feel forced to act in a certain way are no less ethical than anything else I've mentioned.
Good luck.
I apologize if it seemed like we jumped on, but poly is something we can be sensitive about, especially when people appear to use it as excuses for behavior that doesn't fit poly at all.
I think at the least if you aren't in therapy you should be, so you can get help sorting out these issues. Threats that make you feel forced to act in a certain way are no less ethical than anything else I've mentioned.
Good luck.
The next time she threatens suicide, call the cops.
Start keeping records. It will help later in child custody issues.
Your wife has cheated on you multiple times. She is depressed and suicidal and threatening to take the kids to another country, and refusing to go to counseling for talk therapy and probably an anti depressant med regimen? Yet, you come here asking about SWINGING and voyeurism and "sperm competition"?
Wake up! Sexing others will not heal your wife's depression or your marital woes or the (possible/probable) psychological issues you yourself have.
Go get professional help and stop with the swinging.
Start keeping records. It will help later in child custody issues.
Your wife has cheated on you multiple times. She is depressed and suicidal and threatening to take the kids to another country, and refusing to go to counseling for talk therapy and probably an anti depressant med regimen? Yet, you come here asking about SWINGING and voyeurism and "sperm competition"?
Wake up! Sexing others will not heal your wife's depression or your marital woes or the (possible/probable) psychological issues you yourself have.
Go get professional help and stop with the swinging.
Ravenscroft
Banned
I'm not seeing a whole lot of polyamory here. It's like bad afternoon melodrama, set in some writer's uninformed sketch of a "swinger club."
Either knock off ALL the distractions & work on the relationship, OR admit you're not going to work on the relationship, role-play how it'd feel to be a responsible, sane adult, & end it.
Either knock off ALL the distractions & work on the relationship, OR admit you're not going to work on the relationship, role-play how it'd feel to be a responsible, sane adult, & end it.